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1/25/2018 7:38:29 AM
Posted: 7/2/2002 8:55:36 AM EST
A couple of famous last words before going to the Iron Bar Hotel...... "I knows my rights!" "2 beers." Anybody got some other good ones?
Link Posted: 7/2/2002 9:12:36 AM EST
Got in trouble for this one: Car thief: You can't put chains on me! My grandaddy was a slave! (do the math. He's 18.) Me: Well, that's interesting, because my Great, Great, grandaddy was a slave owner in Houston. (True. He had 6 slaves and ran a small bakery) Thief gets one of those carp out of water looks, (Lots of gasping and gurgling sounds.) Actually had to go to IA on this one.
Link Posted: 7/2/2002 10:04:27 AM EST
Link Posted: 7/2/2002 10:42:32 AM EST
Personal Favorites: "You can't do this!" "But,...I'm sorry." "I don't know how that 300 pounds of marijuana got in the trunk!" "You mean you can arrest me just for lying to a Fed?" "A guy I don't know just came up to me on the street in Tijuana and just gave me that white powder, so I put it in my sock." (1oz of heroin). "Aww, Man, do you have to do this?" And I used to play the theme from Beretta on the way to the slammer..."Don't do the crime if you can't do the time.."
Link Posted: 7/2/2002 10:53:27 AM EST
The all time no. 1.... "You ain't shit without that badge and gun"
Link Posted: 7/2/2002 1:49:00 PM EST
Driver of car stopped for speeding has no ID. Says his name is Steve Johnson. Registered owner of car, Mike Wilson, has a big bag of outstanding warrants. "So your name is Steve Johnson?" "Yes, sir." "Do you know Mike Wilson?" "Yup. He loaned me his car while he's up in the oil fields in Alaska." "OK. I guess you can go." Steve starts to walk away. "Yo, Mike!" Steve stops, turns back and says, "Yeah?... Aw Sh*t!"
Link Posted: 7/2/2002 1:56:32 PM EST
Link Posted: 7/2/2002 2:03:09 PM EST
Link Posted: 7/2/2002 2:41:34 PM EST
Originally Posted By shotar: " she said she was 18" me- " how long have you known her " 25 yr old Pervert- " since she was 3, about 12 years " " awww sh*t "
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God, that's priceless! Keving67
Link Posted: 7/2/2002 4:39:40 PM EST
How about? "I ain't did nuthin'" "Always keepin' a brutha down!" "It's 'cause I'm black ain't it?"
Link Posted: 7/2/2002 5:31:47 PM EST
Originally Posted By Sukebe: The all time no. 1.... "You ain't shit without that badge and gun"
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What about "if these cuffs weren't on me I'd kick your ass." My experience that even when they come off they don't do shit.
Link Posted: 7/2/2002 10:57:16 PM EST
While searching a guy's coin pocket on his Levi pants: me: "Why didn't you tell me you had this baggie of speed on you?" badguy: "Ohhhh, these aren't my pants sir!" ******************************** Another search: me: "Where'd you get this little rock from?" badguy: "Ahh man, whyz its gots to be my cocaine, deputy????" ********************************* 0300hrs, nobody else out on the streets for miles except one "badguy" all by himself as I pull up in my black/white... me: "hey, get over here!" badguy: "who, me?" ********************************** Another search of a suspect in his pants pockets...again... me: "ah, dude, why didn't you tell me about this little dime baggie of speed you had on you?" badguy: "ahhh, deputy that's not mine, what is that stuff?!!!!" or answer #2.. badguy: "ahhh, deputy, I found that in the street and I was heading straight to the Sheriff's station to turn that in to you guys."
Link Posted: 7/3/2002 1:56:56 AM EST
This may not be one of things your arrest says to you things, but I almost had to pull the car over when this guy said this! Im transporting this guy to jail after he lost a foot chase and this lady is flapping her arms and jumping up and down signalling me to pull over. I pulled to the side of the road and cracked the rear passenger side window by accident, then rolled down the front passenger side window to see what her "emergency" was. She starts telling me about this lost dog she had seen on a sign was about a mile up the next street and wants me to go catch it and then go across town to get the number off a flyer and contact the owner and bla, bla, bla. Im trying to kindly explain to her that we are "blacked out" and Im attempting to tranport a prisoner and she keeps talking over me telling me I have to go rescue this dog. All of a sudden the prisoner in the back, who now has a partially rolled down window (accidentally) yells "Listen bitch can't you see this cop is busy, he's taking my ass to jail, go catch the f**king dog yourself!" Man that shut her up, I wish you could have seen the look on her face. I laughed all the way to detention!
Link Posted: 7/3/2002 2:14:05 AM EST
When I worked at the county jail, one of my partners had finished booking in a prisoner and was giving him his phone call. Bruce dials the number for him and passes the hand set under the window. The prisoner picks it up and asks the guy he called, " Hey, where you at?" Bruce bangs on the window and yells' "You called him, dumb*ss." Overhearing this, I end up ROTFLMAO.
Link Posted: 7/3/2002 2:14:29 AM EST
Ha Ha Ha, those are funny. You beat all Barney, you know that?
Link Posted: 7/3/2002 2:39:48 AM EST
My favorite was "It's my cousin's car."
Link Posted: 7/3/2002 7:49:58 AM EST
"where were you born?" from my mother's vagina! "Okay, what city and state was your mother's vagina in when you were born?" That's not my mine,YOU put it there!
Link Posted: 7/3/2002 11:03:48 AM EST
A few more from the memory banks: "I have no idea how that got there" (3 packs of steroids in his underwear) "You can't take me to jail, I'm a Juvenile!" (16 year old who had be taken by the locals several times, his first brush with the Federal Gov.) Later, after constantly cursing me, as we pass the offramp to his home heading for the Fed. jail...."But SIR..." He cried when the cell door slammed shut! "It's just for personal use" 600 pounds of green leafy plant matter. "But this guy said it was legal" Steroids smuggling. "We were kidnapped at gunpoint by a guy who made us drive into Mexico and loaded this stuff in our truck - he just ran away when you stopped us!" 500 pounds of Marijuana And the laughs just keep on comming.
Link Posted: 7/3/2002 8:26:52 PM EST
On a public intox: Her: "But I'm a christian, I read the bible. Do you want me to tell you about John Hagy's minestry". Me: "No, I don't, because I'm a satanist." Every time I see this poor lady, her eye's get wide, her mouth drops open, and she say's "oh god, it that satanist cop." She's scared out of her mind of me, but at least she doesn't give me any more lip.
Link Posted: 7/5/2002 8:15:35 PM EST
I gotta agree with SF 46....... "I only had 2 beers" another favorite is " Do you know who I am? "I got a Jewish lawyer, you hear me?, a Jewish lawyer!!" (add in your favorite New Yawk accent) Steven
Link Posted: 7/5/2002 8:33:05 PM EST
[Last Edit: 7/5/2002 8:33:32 PM EST by Citabria7GCBC]
Originally Posted By mike410: On a public intox: Her: "But I'm a christian, I read the bible. Do you want me to tell you about John Hagy's minestry". Me: "No, I don't, because I'm a satanist." Every time I see this poor lady, her eye's get wide, her mouth drops open, and she say's "oh god, it that satanist cop." She's scared out of her mind of me, but at least she doesn't give me any more lip.
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thats funny!!! some crazy blessed my dad with eternal life. then just before he retired another crazy said he was the devil incarnet and gave him eternal damnation. so now my dad figures its even and he can just be a regular guy now. LOL its sad when people dont take their meds!
Link Posted: 7/6/2002 8:05:14 AM EST
[Last Edit: 7/6/2002 8:10:29 AM EST by AR15fan]
"I have money..." "I'll kill you!" "Is there ANYTHING I can do to get out of this?" "I left my Drivers license at home."
Link Posted: 7/6/2002 1:26:19 PM EST
Well, after having a couple of margaritas last night....then getting pulled over (for a right turn on red where restricted of all things) believe me it was nothing but yes sir, no sir, sure I'll take an eye test sir - no problem. I wasn't drunk but that doesn't mean you can't get a DUI. The officer was kind enough not to persue DUI and suggested that my alternative was to just leave my truck parked there and take a cab. I was more than happy to oblige. Thank you sir. Mike
Link Posted: 7/6/2002 3:29:34 PM EST
"you have no jurisdiction over me." "but, i only hit her once." "you can do that?" "that wasn't me driving." - this is after i took her out of the vehicle and put her in the rear of the squad and showed her the video. "why don't you catch some real criminals instead of picking on us drunks?" reply: well, because the criminals that i do catch start out as drunks, so i figure i am doing you a favor." "if i wasn't so drunk, i'd kick your ass." reply: well, you'll have your chance tomorrow because tonight you'll be staying in jail and i work tomorrow too!" oh, it never ends. i guess this is why i keep coming back every day to this job! stay safe, watch your back.
Link Posted: 7/7/2002 9:48:53 PM EST
"you know what osifer, your right, I shouldn't be driving, I'm fucked up" "no officer dez be my brothers pants" (trying not to breathe hard, can feel heart pounding through chest) "officer I just came out my house to see what was going on, I wasn't runnin from nobody"
Link Posted: 7/8/2002 6:54:25 PM EST
At the intake door of the detention center: "You'll never get me out this car!" Seconds later, two CO's come out to assist: "Hey, I was just kiddin man!"
Link Posted: 7/8/2002 7:16:14 PM EST
"take these damn handcuffs off of me and I will show what I can do to you" "that's not mine"
Link Posted: 7/9/2002 4:50:47 AM EST
Him- But what I said happened and what she said happened are the same! Me- Yes, but that doesn't make it legal. Him- Oh. ---- But I havn't drank since last night! (at 0430, after getting up to go take a friend to work)(he blew just under a .1, and had 13 previous restraints on his license) ---- I can't be under arrest, you havn't read me my rights! ---- Do you know who I am! I'm a remote viewer for the FBI! I have an FBI number! ----- Him- I know (supervisor/chief/city manager, etc.)! I want to talk to him! Me- If you know his number, you can call him from the jail. ------ dp [0J]
Link Posted: 7/9/2002 4:59:57 AM EST
My three favorites. All happened in booking: This guy tells me, " I just burned down my house. When do you think insurance is going to cut me a check?" I was booking in a very small woman. I was going to take the backup Polaroid. As I raised the camera up I noticed through the glass how badly beaten up she was-and I mean she looked like a bowl of Fruit Loops. I sort of lowered the camera to get a better look and she realized what I was thinking. She said," Yeah, well he's in the fucking hospital." Third guy comes in bleeding from a huge gash in his forehead. I asked what happened. "That fucking cop hit me in the head with his flashlight."
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