Do any of you feel like you have messed up your spouse's life by marrying them? It's a bad feeling.

No, I felt like she messed up my life.

Quoted: No, I felt like she messed up my life.

x6

I think I really helped mine out. More income and better role models in my family than hers.

probably goes both ways

Don't let her put the guilt on you, boy.  First of all, it was her choice, second of all, if she didn't marry you, she might have married OJ.

Just getting even..

Seriously though , I think we have helped each other a lot over the years.I was a whiskey swilling hellion , she was a hell raiser in her own right. In 20 years of ups and downs we have come to a balance, calmed down, now have a nice home, nice cars , 3 kids and a pretty Ok life.

No she thanks God every day she has me!

Sorry, marriage is a two way street.

Buy Dr Laura's book 10 stupid things men do to screw up their lives.  It will be the best thing you can do for yourself and your wife.

She hates where we live. Complains there is no other asians. Everyone is prejudice against her. We live in a pretty big city with asians but she doesn't make any attempt to meet them. Wants to travel the world but makes no attempt to do so. Dislikes my family and has little to do with them.

Run, Forrest. Run!

Quoted: She hates where we live. Complains there is no other asians. Everyone is prejudice against her. We live in a pretty big city with asians but she doesn't make any attempt to meet them. Wants to travel the world but makes no attempt to do so. Dislikes my family and has little to do with them.

DREAM KILLER

Quoted: She hates where we live. Complains there is no other asians. Everyone is prejudice against her. We live in a pretty big city with asians but she doesn't make any attempt to meet them. Wants to travel the world but makes no attempt to do so. Dislikes my family and has little to do with them.

+1 on the run comment.

She's not happy and you're to blame in her mind.

In your mind, thinking logically, if she wanted to meet other asians she could do so. If she wanted to travel she could do so. But she isn't, so it's your fault.

How is it your fault? That's really not certain how the blame connects to you. But it does.

Maybe she'd rather be in some place else where it's easier to meet other asians or travel. But in that city, it would just be a different complaint.

It's not your fault or the fault of where you live. It's her state of mind that is to blame. She is chosing to be unhappy and using you or some other external factor as the scapegoat, instead of taking responsibility for her own happiness.

Either she snaps out of it on her own or she flakes out and wants a divorce or does other things to destroy the marriage in order to make you unhappy as well (and then you want a divoce with out it being 'her fault')

Don't worry, that's just how most women think.

You can't reason her out of this because she didn't reason her way into this. The only hope you have of making it better is her coming around (unlikely) or doing something on your own to break the pattern. The second option is your best bet because it puts YOU back in control instead of just being a passenger.

Was she clear about these desires before marrying you?It sounds as though she didn't think things through.

Quoted: Buy Dr Laura's book 10 stupid things men do to screw up their lives.  It will be the best thing you can do for yourself and your wife.

Dr. Laura is a Fraud.
What is she a Doctor of?


MS, M Phil, Ph.D. (Physiology), Columbia University (College of Physicians and Surgeons), NY

What the fuck does that have to do with relationships?

She is a Marriage and Family Therapist but her doctorate is in Physiology?

What a Fraud.
Sorry for the Hijack.



Back to normal thread topic!

I wouldn't be around if it wasn't for my daughter. She means the world to me. Ironically, all the negativeness and unhappiness from my wife started after my daughter was born. And yes she wanted to have a baby.

My woman [for 13 years] is Fillipino, so I have a bit of experience here.

#1  There is no fault here, not yours not hers, none.  

#2  Start making a VISIBLE effort to make her happy.  If you are like me you do 100 little things for her to make her happy, but you do them silently, expecting her to just notice.  It sounds crass, but make a point to tell/show her every little thing you do, bring her attention to them.  Even if it's something small and you feel stupid saying something, do it anyway.  Be careful that you don't even hint that you are wanting anything because of whatever, approach it like a little kid showing off that they accomplished something to a teacher.  Fall all overyourself trying to make her happy.  This should be easy, you love her and want her to be happy anyway, just be more obvious in the manner you operate.

#3  YOU seek out other Asian or mixed asian couples or groups, and "drag her along" because you want to go.  Don't expect her to make contacts, because from her perspective it seems like an insurmountable task.    If you see another couple out, make a point of politely asking the asian partner where they are from, mentioning that your wife is from [wherever she is from].  Strike up conversations with them based on the premise that your wife is homesick [or whatever] and how do they "deal with it?"   You will be amazed at how many people literally jump at the chance to "help out".  

#4 YOU plan trips to places that she has never been, "drag her along" because you want to go.  If $$ is an issue, make the trips small, maybe to a park in another town, or maybe some type of performance somewhere else.  If she's into shooting, go find ranges to shoot at that are at least an hour away, go shoot, and then take time to go have a nice dinner before you go home.  If she's into something else, find a place to do it out of town.   If you Do have the resources, bigger trips are good too, but always aim for quantity over quality, 10 small weekend trips will do more for her happiness than a week somewhere that costs so much you can only swing it every couple of years...

#5  DO not force the family issues with her, if she dislikes her inlaws, let her.   Try to arrange to let her have a safety valve, say, get her to go shopping or something while you spend time with your family.  

Feel free to Email me for more...

Quoted: No, I felt like know she messed up my life and our son.

Fixed it for me.

Try having one with bipolar AND delusional disorder.

My ex told me I ruined her life.  Hurt like heck to hear that.

But then, if she could have married better, why didn't she?

I have felt like my ex spouse *tried* to mess up my life.... but it didnt work.

Quoted: Quoted: Buy Dr Laura's book 10 stupid things men do to screw up their lives.  It will be the best thing you can do for yourself and your wife. Dr. Laura is a Fraud. What is she a Doctor of? MS, M Phil, Ph.D. (Physiology), Columbia University (College of Physicians and Surgeons), NY What the fuck does that have to do with relationships? She is a Marriage and Family Therapist but her doctorate is in Physiology? What a Fraud. Sorry for the Hijack. Back to normal thread topic!

My father has a degree in human biology yet worked as a cop for 30 years.  So what?

She tells it right most of the time, don't give a fuck if she doesn't have a piece of paper verifying that she tells it right.

Quoted:But then, if she could have married better, why didn't she?

Yeah. I told mine the same thing once.




The look I got was total shock.

Duh.

Quoted: Sorry, marriage is a two way street.

Anyone who believes THAT steaming pile has obviously never been through a divorce.

Quoted: I wouldn't be around if it wasn't for my daughter. She means the world to me. Ironically, all the negativeness and unhappiness from my wife started after my daughter was born. And yes she wanted to have a baby.

That's because she didn't want a husband - she wanted a Sperm Donor.  And now that you've fulfilled that role, you're going to be nothing but a Meal Ticket.  Your days as a Husband with a wife who cares for you and gives you pie are over and will never return.  Your best bet now is hiding your assets so you can keep a little after the divorce and running up so much debt that she'll get less than she expects.

Quoted: Quoted: Sorry, marriage is a two way street.

Anyone who believes THAT steaming pile has obviously never been through a divorce.

I believe in it still, and I'm getting a divorce.

I got accused of that by my ex.

In truth neither of us ruined the other's life.

I made up my mind,  just yesterday,  to ruin my Ex-wife's life.  

After 15yrs of peaceful divorce,  open pockets,  full-time babysitter,  shoulder to cry on,  friend when she needed or didn't have one,  Dad to our 2 sons...I could go on and on and on...ect.

The Gloves are OFF!!

Quoted: Quoted: Buy Dr Laura's book 10 stupid things men do to screw up their lives.  It will be the best thing you can do for yourself and your wife. Dr. Laura is a Fraud. What is she a Doctor of? MS, M Phil, Ph.D. (Physiology), Columbia University (College of Physicians and Surgeons), NY What the fuck does that have to do with relationships? She is a Marriage and Family Therapist but her doctorate is in Physiology? What a Fraud. Sorry for the Hijack. Back to normal thread topic!

Off topic I know, but the few times I've stumbled onto Dr Laura on the radio, all her callers prefaced with "I am my kid's mom"......wtf is up wid dat?

Quoted: She hates where we live. Complains there is no other asians. Everyone is prejudice against her. We live in a pretty big city with asians but she doesn't make any attempt to meet them. Wants to travel the world but makes no attempt to do so. Dislikes my family and has little to do with them.

Sounds like she has a LOT of problems, sounds like you have one problem.

Try having one with bipolar AND delusional disorder

Seen it,  done it,  own the T-shirt.  

My daughter  understands.  She was talking about about a tiresome client at her work,  "This person isn't just crazy, she's "Mom" crazy!"

I had to laugh!

Quoted: She hates where we live. Complains there is no other asians. Everyone is prejudice against her. We live in a pretty big city with asians but she doesn't make any attempt to meet them. Wants to travel the world but makes no attempt to do so. Dislikes my family and has little to do with them.

Victim, huh.

Good luck, that is a LOT of negativity to deal with.

You are not ruining HER life, she's already doing a good job of that.

No real good advice except if you don't have kids, wait.....you may save them some real grief.

Curious, where did she live and what did she do before you got married?  

Quoted: She hates where we live. Complains there is no other asians. Everyone is prejudice against her. We live in a pretty big city with asians but she doesn't make any attempt to meet them. Wants to travel the world but makes no attempt to do so. Dislikes my family and has little to do with them.

Did you get her mail order? If so, contact the dealer and see what the return policy is, at  the least they should offer you store credit minus depreciation and shipping costs.

Quoted: No, I felt like she messed up my life.

+87 I don't feel this way. Seriously. No, really. I don't.

Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Sorry, marriage is a two way street. Anyone who believes THAT steaming pile has obviously never been through a divorce. I believe in it still, and I'm getting a divorce.

You are obviously a girl.  Your poor husband is probably bent over grabbing his ankles right now.

I married a filipina, and had to deal with similar issues early in our marriage.  My older brother, who did not learn from my mistake, goes and marries a Korean lady.  I suspect similar issues...

My wife came from a third world dung heap.  Her life, by any stretch of the imagination, would have sucked big time if she were to have never met me.  Occasionally, it is beneficial to indirectly remind her of that.  The problem initially had a lot to do with her expectations of her new life in the U.S..  American TV had something to do with that.  She was perhaps expecting a "Bay Watch" lifestyle

How old is your spouse?  Early twenties, maybe?  Give it about ten years, and tell us how it works out.

The only advice that I can offer is some that I didn't follow myself:  Do not, under any circumstances, marry a woman barely out of her teens.  I think that thirty would be a good lower limit...

Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Buy Dr Laura's book 10 stupid things men do to screw up their lives.  It will be the best thing you can do for yourself and your wife. Dr. Laura is a Fraud. What is she a Doctor of? MS, M Phil, Ph.D. (Physiology), Columbia University (College of Physicians and Surgeons), NY What the fuck does that have to do with relationships? She is a Marriage and Family Therapist but her doctorate is in Physiology? What a Fraud. Sorry for the Hijack. Back to normal thread topic! Off topic I know, but the few times I've stumbled onto Dr Laura on the radio, all her callers prefaced with "I am my kid's mom"......wtf is up wid dat?

Its Dr. Laura's statement that you do not send your children to childcare.  When a parents says "I'm my kids Mom or I'm my kids Dad" that means the kid isn't sent to day care.

I don't know exactly what her creditials are but I stand behind her books that I've read.  I've read:

10 stupid things women do to screw up their lives
10 stupid things men do to screw up their lives
10 stupid things couples do to screw up their relationship

and I'm reading "Proper feeding and care of husbands"

I recommend all 4 highly.

Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Sorry, marriage is a two way street. Anyone who believes THAT steaming pile has obviously never been through a divorce. I believe in it still, and I'm getting a divorce. You are obviously a girl.  Your poor husband is probably bent over grabbing his ankles right now.

Just so I can get him with the strap on.

Quoted: Its Dr. Laura's statement that you do not send your children to childcare.

well I don't know anyone who sends there kids to childcare that doesnt have to because both parents work just to make it, so isn't her statement bullshit or is she just referring to those really rich people who don't work but have there kids baby sat?

Quoted: Quoted: Its Dr. Laura's statement that you do not send your children to childcare. well I don't know anyone who sends there kids to childcare that doesnt have to because both parents work just to make it, so isn't her statement bullshit or is she just referring to those really rich people who don't work but have there kids baby sat?

So who watched Dr Laura's kids when she was going to college and breaking into the talk radio biz?

Quoted: Just so I can get him with the strap on.

So you've decided to reconcile.  

Quoted: Quoted: Just so I can get him with the strap on. So you've decided to reconcile.

No, it'll just make me feel better.

Quoted: Try having one with bipolar AND delusional disorder Seen it,  done it,  own the T-shirt.   My daughter  understands.  She was talking about about a tiresome client at her work,  "This person isn't just crazy, she's "Mom" crazy!" I had to laugh!

There is no way in hell anyone else can understand what we (you and me) are/have gone through. You understand what I am going through right now. She is so whacked out that she has to have a conservator appointed for her for our divorce.

Quoted: Do any of you feel like you have messed up your spouse's life by marrying them? It's a bad feeling.

Agreed.

Quoted: She hates where we live. Complains there is no other asians. Everyone is prejudice against her. We live in a pretty big city with asians but she doesn't make any attempt to meet them. Wants to travel the world but makes no attempt to do so. Dislikes my family and has little to do with them.

You my friend have a filipina princess.
Dont blame yourself its her moms and dads fault. She needs some tough love. I tried with mine for years but I had to give her boot because she just expected everything handed to her. She contacted me a few years later wanting to get back together , she said she changed. She thanked me for trying to help her out and being honest about her short comings back in the day.  They are fun to be around but I wouldnt marry one.
Good luck

Quoted: She hates where we live. Complains there is no other asians. Everyone is prejudice against her. We live in a pretty big city with asians but she doesn't make any attempt to meet them. Wants to travel the world but makes no attempt to do so. Dislikes my family and has little to do with them.

Bummer.
My wife has Lupus and is sick all the time.
The rare times she's not sick, she can't go out in the sun for longer than 10 mins... and we live in Texas.
She can't live where it gets cold because it hurts all the time.
She doesn't like shooting all that much.
She does like camping, so long as its from a comfy trailer and not actual camping.
Bitch & complain...
Complain & bitch.
My choice, my wife, my life.

Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Just so I can get him with the strap on. So you've decided to reconcile.   No, it'll just make me feel better.

An eye for an eye, perhaps?

Quoted: She hates where we live. Complains there is no other asians. Everyone is prejudice against her. We live in a pretty big city with asians but she doesn't make any attempt to meet them. Wants to travel the world but makes no attempt to do so. Dislikes my family and has little to do with them.

Wow that sucks , I know a South Korean girl that thinks the same thing.