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Posted: 4/19/2017 8:06:09 PM EDT
When I was a short timer, they stuck me in the motor pool. Had no business being there. At the end of a bullshit day the motor pool sgt. handed me a swing blade. He ordered me to remove a large patch of three foot tall dry grass that ran between the parking lot and the roadway. He told me I had ten minutes. My mission could not be accomplished In the time allotted, with the equipment provided. I improvised. I pulled out my Zippo and set the thing ablaze. Flames were fifteen feet high, they burned out within a few minutes. Long before the fire trucks arrived. I was standing at attention at the COs desk the next morning. Don't really remember my words. I said things like mission, task at hand, time to completion. I think I said oohrah a couple times. My CO grinned turned his back too me and said, get the fuck out of my office.  Anyone else do something really stupid when you were in?
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 8:07:33 PM EDT
If true that's awesome.
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 8:12:17 PM EDT
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If true that's awesome.
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2nd AD motor pool. Ft. Hood Tx. August 1984. Many whiteness.
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 8:15:28 PM EDT
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2nd AD motor pool. Ft. Hood Tx. August 1984. Many whiteness.
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witnesses, stupid autocorrect.
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 8:17:37 PM EDT
You said "oorah" while with 2AD?

Link Posted: 4/19/2017 8:18:23 PM EDT
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witnesses, stupid autocorrect.
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Quoted:
2nd AD motor pool. Ft. Hood Tx. August 1984. Many whiteness.
witnesses, stupid autocorrect.
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 8:19:32 PM EDT
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Quoted:
You said "oorah" while with 2AD?
Every day, it was part of our cadence.
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Link Posted: 4/19/2017 8:22:14 PM EDT
Hypothetically, someone who may or may not have looked a lot like me was standing fire watch at the front door of a Navy "A" School barracks late one weekend night not to far from his graduation date.

A classmate who had just graduated came and asked if he could sneak out after curfew to see his girlfriend because he wasn't going to get the chance to be with her again before he had to head to his next assignment.

He was told no, there was no way he would be allowed off the deck, but also that the guard may be looking off in the distance for a prolonged period of time in the near future and his hearing wasn't so good.

Of course, Mr. Have to See My Girlfriend totalled the car he was driving and got arrested and brought back by Security.  Not much happened to him. They must never have asked him how he got out, or else he refused to tell them. Never heard anything about it.

Didn't find out until years later that the accident happened. Ran into the guy on a base somewhere.
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 8:23:01 PM EDT
So, like, Ooorah, master chief?
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 8:30:28 PM EDT
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So, like, Ooorah, master chief?
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WTF is a Master chief?
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 8:33:32 PM EDT
In between deployments I would work with sister units as a driver for different things, but not be directly attached to units. Basically to keep my young jarhead ass out of trouble from drinking. I'd drive water trucks during road marches, drive injured Marines back to Gieger or Lejuene and just stay in the field during their work ups, like I said to keep my ass out of trouble.
 One time a Co Commander asks me to drive some maps back to Lejuene to the map section to make some corrections or something and the piece of crap S-10 I'm driving slides off a gravel road, down a ravine over a shit ton of rocks and gets stuck. I try to get it out and pretty much do a burn out one wheel style on a rock and blow the tire.
 I walk miles back to the area check in station and report in what happened. Needless to say everybody is pissed as hell and I have to pay for the fucking tire. It could've been a lot worse.
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 8:36:12 PM EDT
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 8:39:55 PM EDT
What's a swing blade?
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 8:42:00 PM EDT
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What's a swing blade?
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like a Kaiser blade mmmm- hmmmm.
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 8:43:56 PM EDT
this never happened

please seek professional help
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 8:44:15 PM EDT
A manual tool to cut grass with.  Most people call it a sling blade - at least where I grew up.  Google sling blade tool pics.

jd1
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 8:46:03 PM EDT
Hmm. I think I'll stick with using Mexicans.
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 8:47:27 PM EDT
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like a Kaiser blade mmmm- hmmmm.
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Quoted:
What's a swing blade?
like a Kaiser blade mmmm- hmmmm.
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 8:51:02 PM EDT
Our unit guidon bearer was a dirt bag, dragging the guidon around like he was practicing for the duffle-bag drag. Left it in the corner, threw it onto chairs, etc.
After I'd had enough, one morning just before formation I saw the guidon (staff in 2 parts screwed together) laying on the floor, bearer nowhere to be seen. So I stashed the bottom half.
Formation is called, everyone scrambled to fall in, commander steps up to his position, looks around the 1SG to see the missing spot in formation where our bearer should be. We wait. And wait.
Finally the guidon bearer comes out with only the top half and gets to his place, trying to act like nothing is wrong.
Unit to Attention. Report in. Prepare to Dismiss, Stand at...
The commander says he doesn't appreciate the joke and instructs Top to find the perpetrator and no one leaves until the person is in the Commander's office.
Top starts in on what he's going to do to find the perpetrator and I hold up my hand, March into?the Commander's office. After a few minutes of screaming, he asked why I did it. I explained about the guidon bearer and my concerns. He dismissed me and sent Top out to get the guidon bearer in there ASAP.
Bottom line, I got off with a grin, and we got a new guidon bearer!
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 8:54:11 PM EDT
Many times.  

I am a master of almost though...  managed to squeek by every time.
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 9:01:54 PM EDT
Smacked a E-7 across the face with a steak and shake bag filled with the empty fry and hamburger wrappers inside. It was during a yard period and they had us in town in commercial lodging. One of the MK3's and I made it a short night at the club and stopped at steak and shake on the way back to the hotel and ran into the XPO on the walk back. He started fucking with us asking where his was and I asked him if he was sure he wanted it? He said yeah so I took this puffed up empty bag and swung it across his face. The look on his and the MK3's face was priceless for a second because neither of them expected it and were totally off guard for it.

It wasn't until I and the MK3 started laughing did he realize how ridiculous and harmless my "assault on a superior" was. It wasn't until I got back to the hotel that I realized how bad that could have been with the wrong group of people.
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 9:03:02 PM EDT
Pleading the 5th.  I have instructed my attorney that upon my death to release a dossier file to arfcom containing many potentially incriminating stories.  Until then you have to wait.

I will share that I was once accused of causing the miscarriages of all the pregnant women in a small city in Afghanistan due to blowing up a 60lb IED in the town traffic circle.  That should be a company level article 15 at least.
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 9:05:04 PM EDT
Flat out lied on a "Risk Assessment" sheet the command made everyone fill out that asked if I kept firearms in my house.

I was less than a month from separating and didn't much care for the chubby, pencil-pushing O-3 who was asking, so I DGAF.
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 9:05:28 PM EDT
Lol

You were no where close to being court martialed.

And yes I have. Got a field grade instead.

If someone didn't at least get an article 15 then they really had no chance of getting court martialed.
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 9:09:48 PM EDT
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 9:11:57 PM EDT
Driving Tracks through a forest in one of the training sites in Germany.  Our not so smart LT. gives the command for a wedge.

All the Tracks stopped with the TC in each one saying "WTF, Say again ". " WEDGE GOD DAMMIT", came back.

OK, so we followed a path of no trees and promptly lost sight of everybody.    


Four days later we showed up.  We stole fuel, we stole chicken eggs, and we stole beer.  When the Capt. wanted to hear what happened
we mentioned about the insane orders of the LT. , but not of our stealing and pillaging.  He already knew we attacked the Opposing forces from the rear
and threw CS Gas into some of their Tracks.
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 9:14:35 PM EDT
While going through the ditch the Flight Deck Handler a "Captain" was up for an auction to get hit with a pie. I being an e3 won the auction and had a fist in the pie. I was a little fucker then and almost made him take a knee. I still can't believe he didn't kill me.
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 9:15:35 PM EDT
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2nd AD motor pool. Ft. Hood Tx. August 1984. Many whiteness.
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Link Posted: 4/19/2017 9:15:44 PM EDT
Choked out my Sgt.  I even asked him if he'd surrender the fight if I let him go.  He said no.  So he went to sleep.

I really fucking hated that guy.  Had the worst case of little man/boy syndrome I've ever seen.  Took being a dick for no reason to a whole new level.

He once asked me why I didn't like him (I avoided him at all costs unless I couldn't).  I said "I don't want to respond because I didn't want to get in trouble (for insulting a superior)."  He took that as I was avoiding threatening him, and had me go to a psych eval to see if I was a threat.  By the time I was done, the psy guy was 100% convinced within about 30 mins that I had no intent to do harm to him.  I just didn't want to tell him that I thought he was a petty little man who got off being an asshole to less ranking troops he supervised and then hit their EPRs when they didn't care for his treating them like shit in stupid ways.  But you can't say that to a NCO, especially one who loves to go crying to leadership about everything.  So I didn't.  

After that, a couple weeks later....after he didn't get what he wanted from trying to hem me up via his imagined implied threat......him and his buddy drag me out back for what I'm thinking is an ass-beating.  I demand they release me numerous times.  Buddy gives up and walks when he realizes I'm not going to just take it.  Sgt was a foot shorter than me, 10 years older, fatter, and 60lb lighter.  

A short wrestle later, I had him in a choke hold and asked him (knowing that I had him to rights.....both legally and physically) if he would give up the fight.  he said no.  
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 9:17:26 PM EDT
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Quoted:
Driving Tracks through a forest in one of the training sites in Germany.  Our not so smart LT. gives the command for a wedge.

All the Tracks stopped with the TC in each one saying "WTF, Say again ". " WEDGE GOD DAMMIT", came back.

OK, so we followed a path of no trees and promptly lost sight of everybody.    


Four days later we showed up.  We stole fuel, we stole chicken eggs, and we stole beer.  When the Capt. wanted to hear what happened
we mentioned about the insane orders of the LT. , but not of our stealing and pillaging.  He already knew we attacked the Opposing forces from the rear
and threw CS Gas into some of their Tracks.
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You had a better time in the Box than I ever did.
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 9:18:49 PM EDT
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 9:21:28 PM EDT
Yep.  Got found guilty on 1 of 2 counts....summary CM.
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 9:23:46 PM EDT
Telling a full bird Colonel to get fucked as an E-4 is probably the closest I ever came. Was on patrol in Iraq and another squad was taking fire from a house. We were sitting on a road on the other side of it. The other squad called in arty on the house and messed up the coordinates and were basically requesting 155's right on top of us. Somehow the rounds landed way off...

We all came into the Defac afterwards to eat and we all sat down together. The other squad leader started cracking jokes about it and I flipped shit saying the only reason we were alive was because of their incompetence. I threw my food at him at proceeded to leave the defac. I walked right by a full bird and he told me to cool it and I told him to "get fucked" without turning around and kept on booking it out of there. The whole defac went silent. The full bird yelled at me after that but I'm not sure what was said. I later learned the squad leader told him him why I was pissed and I assumed that saved my ass.

After I cooled down I realized I was wrong with the full bird but nothing short of tackling me would have stopped me from leaving that place I was so fired up. Still gets me worked up thinking about it.

That squad leader still won't look me in the eyes 10 years later...
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 9:24:05 PM EDT
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 9:26:13 PM EDT
I had an extremely distinguished career in the SEAL Teams until Panama. That is, until most of my SEAL Team was killed at the airport due to poor intelligence. I was a warrior, the best there was. When I got back from Panama I punched out my Officer in Charge. My security clearance got revoked and I could only hold a job as a Yeoman or Cook. Captain Adams took my aboard his ship as his personal chef so I could finish out my 20.
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 9:28:14 PM EDT
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You had a better time in the Box than I ever did.
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We were the only Infantry Battalion in our Brigade, just us and two Tank Battalions.
The LT. was the only officer in the Battalion that wasn't Ranger tabbed and my Col. hated that he wasn't tabbed.

There were times where we would get the German girls on mopeds have races and do beer runs for us.  I got caught in a barn once
with a girl that was spying on the OP 4 for us.
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 9:32:02 PM EDT
Closest I've been was stopping a very drunk friend from assaulting our battalion CO at a ball. He threw a punch that was pitifully aimed, and missed it's mark completely. The CO shrugged the attempt off.

Would have likely been a CM for him, had he connected though.
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 9:33:20 PM EDT
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I did some things that would have justified some NJP, but nothing court martial worthy.
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Yea, CM is reserved for sketchy shit, or if you are a dumbass and insist on it.

Came close to an article 15 once, drinking at a bar I wasnt supposed to be in, at a time when we were not supposed to be drinking. I wanted a liquid lunch and that was the closest place, what the hell was I supposed to do
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 9:37:41 PM EDT
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 9:38:23 PM EDT
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We were the only Infantry Battalion in our Brigade, just us and two Tank Battalions.
The LT. was the only officer in the Battalion that wasn't Ranger tabbed and my Col. hated that he wasn't tabbed.

There were times where we would get the German girls on mopeds have races and do beer runs for us.  I got caught in a barn once
with a girl that was spying on the OP 4 for us.
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Those sorts of shenanigans would've gotten us chaptered 04-10
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 9:38:30 PM EDT
I didn't get threatened with UCMJ but I did get threatened with violence for farting in MRAPs.
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 9:39:04 PM EDT
When the 101st first got HMMWV's we got a class on their awesome fording abilities.

On a trip out to the range after a week of down pours one of the creeks you would normally just drive over on the road was particularly swollen.

The guy in front of me decided he would test the awesome fording abilities of the new HMMWV.

He really under estimated the depth of the aforementioned creek.

Do you remember those two seater hummers with the really tall cargo canvas? The troop carriers?

Well.  All you could see was about 1 foot of the very back top of the canvas sticking out of the water.

The driver and a passenger made it out. They swam to the bank. Luckily all their gear stayed in the vehicle when it was fished out.

After drying out for a few days and changing all the filters and fluids the truck started right up.

Sgt Scuba as he came to be know only had to pay for all the stuff that was replaced.
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 9:56:51 PM EDT
Could it have been pushed to judicial punishment, yup.
Somehow I got out of it with just an epic ass chewing and a loss of 1 night's sleep researching.
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 9:57:03 PM EDT
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I had an extremely distinguished career in the SEAL Teams until Panama. That is, until most of my SEAL Team was killed at the airport due to poor intelligence. I was a warrior, the best there was. When I got back from Panama I punched out my Officer in Charge. My security clearance got revoked and I could only hold a job as a Yeoman or Cook. Captain Adams took my aboard his ship as his personal chef so I could finish out my 20.
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Then you beat your beautiful wife Kelly LeBrock,ducked Chuck Norris for years,hide from the Mafia, and got choked out by Gene LeBell and crapped your skivies?
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 10:04:46 PM EDT
No UCMJ action, but it got me fired as an E5 section leader while in Iraq.

Came in off of roving Bradley OP. Told my crew to take it to the fuel point and top it off, then park it and clean out the trash.  Specifically said, "I'm going to drop my gear off at the CHU and come back out to help.  Left my CHU not 3 minutes later to an ever expanding 3" deep lake.  My dumbass crew had decided to drive the brad over to the trash point, and in the process,  pivot steered into the JSS's water tank for our showers.  Fired on the spot and re-assigned as the LT's gunner.
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 10:05:13 PM EDT
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this never happened

please seek professional help
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I did... nothing they could do.
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 10:05:30 PM EDT
Government vehicle, TAD to Seattle. Someone found a couple of empty 12 pack boxes and empty beer cans in the van. No idea how it got in there.
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 10:08:30 PM EDT
No NJP, didn't even see BNCO, but almost court martialed?

How long were you an E-4 for? Probably felt like forever huh.

I'm 5/5 beating charges, but the last one killed my dream job and I left the service even though I came out unnscathed. That one i hadn't actually done anything, so I took my ball and went home.
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 10:09:09 PM EDT
I did things that could have got me in a lot of trouble if I got caught. I didn't get caught most of the time.
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 10:10:47 PM EDT
As boat officer, we truck a coral reef with the prop on the motor whale boat going into a port in Fiji. What saved my ass was that I followed the hand drawn map made by the XO.
Link Posted: 4/19/2017 10:14:03 PM EDT
When I am on my death bed get back with me....
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