TOPEKA, KS—As the debate over the teaching of evolution in public schools continues, a new controversy over the science curriculum arose Monday in this embattled Midwestern state. Scientists from the Evangelical Center For Faith-Based Reasoning are now asserting that the long-held "theory of gravity" is flawed, and they have responded to it with a new theory of Intelligent Falling.


Above: Rev. Gabriel Burdett (left) explains Intelligent Falling.

"Things fall not because they are acted upon by some gravitational force, but because a higher intelligence, 'God' if you will, is pushing them down," said Gabriel Burdett, who holds degrees in education, applied Scripture, and physics from Oral Roberts University.

Burdett added: "Gravity—which is taught to our children as a law—is founded on great gaps in understanding. The laws predict the mutual force between all bodies of mass, but they cannot explain that force. Isaac Newton himself said, 'I suspect that my theories may all depend upon a force for which philosophers have searched all of nature in vain.' Of course, he is alluding to a higher power."

Founded in 1987, the ECFR is the world's leading institution of evangelical physics, a branch of physics based on literal interpretation of the Bible.

According to the ECFR paper published simultaneously this week in the International Journal Of Science and the adolescent magazine God's Word For Teens!, there are many phenomena that cannot be explained by secular gravity alone, including such mysteries as how angels fly, how Jesus ascended into Heaven, and how Satan fell when cast out of Paradise.

The ECFR, in conjunction with the Christian Coalition and other Christian conservative action groups, is calling for public-school curriculums to give equal time to the Intelligent Falling theory. They insist they are not asking that the theory of gravity be banned from schools, but only that students be offered both sides of the issue "so they can make an informed decision."

"We just want the best possible education for Kansas' kids," Burdett said.

Proponents of Intelligent Falling assert that the different theories used by secular physicists to explain gravity are not internally consistent. Even critics of Intelligent Falling admit that Einstein's ideas about gravity are mathematically irreconcilable with quantum mechanics. This fact, Intelligent Falling proponents say, proves that gravity is a theory in crisis.

"Let's take a look at the evidence," said ECFR senior fellow Gregory Lunsden."In Matthew 15:14, Jesus says, 'And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch.' He says nothing about some gravity making them fall—just that they will fall. Then, in Job 5:7, we read, 'But mankind is born to trouble, as surely as sparks fly upwards.' If gravity is pulling everything down, why do the sparks fly upwards with great surety? This clearly indicates that a conscious intelligence governs all falling."

Critics of Intelligent Falling point out that gravity is a provable law based on empirical observations of natural phenomena. Evangelical physicists, however, insist that there is no conflict between Newton's mathematics and Holy Scripture.

"Closed-minded gravitists cannot find a way to make Einstein's general relativity match up with the subatomic quantum world," said Dr. Ellen Carson, a leading Intelligent Falling expert known for her work with the Kansan Youth Ministry. "They've been trying to do it for the better part of a century now, and despite all their empirical observation and carefully compiled data, they still don't know how."

"Traditional scientists admit that they cannot explain how gravitation is supposed to work," Carson said. "What the gravity-agenda scientists need to realize is that 'gravity waves' and 'gravitons' are just secular words for 'God can do whatever He wants.'"

Some evangelical physicists propose that Intelligent Falling provides an elegant solution to the central problem of modern physics.

"Anti-falling physicists have been theorizing for decades about the 'electromagnetic force,' the 'weak nuclear force,' the 'strong nuclear force,' and so-called 'force of gravity,'" Burdett said. "And they tilt their findings toward trying to unite them into one force. But readers of the Bible have already known for millennia what this one, unified force is: His name is Jesus."

Whatever.

Have your little fun.

Quoted: Whatever. Have your little fun.

Excellent point.

These people made it through college and have degrees??

That's rich!

ETA: "'God' if you will, is pushing them down"

I always knew I was being pushed down by The Man!

Quoted: "Anti-falling physicists have been theorizing for decades about the 'electromagnetic force,' the 'weak nuclear force,' the 'strong nuclear force,' and so-called 'force of gravity,'" Burdett said. "And they tilt their findings toward trying to unite them into one force. But readers of the Bible have already known for millennia what this one, unified force is: His name is Jesus."

The Force is strong is this one...

I am quite comfortable with Classical Mechanics, Kepler's Laws, and Mechanics in general.

Screw You HIPPIE!  

Is this shit for real?

that's good...  
what is that smell?  oh yea, its your soul burning in hell

Quoted: These people made it through college and have degrees??

This article isn't real.

It is supposed to be "satire".

Though in reality it is just silly.

Quoted:

"Much drugs in youth, this crazy has done, yes."

It's called satire, folks. Look into it.

That explains why witches float... but leaves me puzzled as to why farts rise, unless HE is collecting flatulence.....

They are really reaching.  If it werent so sad, I would be laughing.

Quoted: Is this shit for real?

No.

It is "satire".

Quoted: Quoted: These people made it through college and have degrees?? This article isn't real. It is supposed to be "satire". Though in reality it is just silly.

In that case it's a pretty good satire. Sounded kinda like The Onion work to me. Have a link to the article?

Quoted: Quoted: These people made it through college and have degrees?? This article isn't real. It is supposed to be "satire". Though in reality it is just silly.

only silly because you're not foolish enough to think its true.

Its how a lot of people view ID

/shrug

Quoted: Quoted: Is this shit for real? No. It is "satire".

ahh, then I can laugh.  But it still wouldnt suprise me if some would push that

Quoted: Whatever. Have your little fun.

But there's so much about gravity we don't understand, so 'Intelligent Falling' must be true.

Right?

www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4133&n=2&id=4309


Why didnt he post the link?  Want to hide the fact it was a onion article?

LMFAO!

This reminds me of the article in The Onion where they were saying one of the laws of thermodynamics (the second I think) couldn't be taught in school because is was inconsistent with creationism.

ETA
Oh shit, here it is:


link

Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: These people made it through college and have degrees?? This article isn't real. It is supposed to be "satire". Though in reality it is just silly. In that case it's a pretty good satire. Sounded kinda like The Onion work to me. Have a link to the article?

Is the Onion. www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4133&n=2

Quoted: Quoted: In that case it's a pretty good satire. Sounded kinda like The Onion work to me. Have a link to the article? Check where the photo is hosted.

Didn't even think of that.. DOH!

Quoted: www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4133&n=2&id=4309 Why didnt he post the link?  Want to hide the fact it was a onion article?

I think just about anyone that reads for entertainment on the internet would know that.

Quoted: Quoted: Whatever. Have your little fun. But there's so much about gravity we don't understand, so 'Intelligent Falling' must be true. Right?

Big difference between the observable nature of gravitation and the UNOBSERVABLE nature of abiogenesis.

Huge.

Monster.

But that, of course, won't stop people from equating not believing in evolution with not believing in gravity.

Quoted: www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4133&n=2&id=4309 Why didnt he post the link?  Want to hide the fact it was a onion article?

If someone can't tell that as satire, then they need their head checked.

Cripes, at *least* make it funny...



ETA: The Onion has gone from one of the best places to find humor (even pre-Internet days) to a place I go to every few months to get a chortle. They're a long way from "Alzheimers sufferers demand a cure for pancakes".

Yeah, the Onion is famous for that.

Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Whatever. Have your little fun. But there's so much about gravity we don't understand, so 'Intelligent Falling' must be true. Right? Big difference between the observable nature of gravitation and the UNOBSERVABLE nature of abiogenesis. Huge. Monster. But that, of course, won't stop people from equating not believing in evolution with not believing in gravity.

Who's talking about evolution?  This thread is about gravity.

Quoted: Why didnt he post the link?  Want to hide the fact it was a onion article?

It was a gullibility test. As expected, we have a
few members who failed miserably.

eta: The picture in the background showing God
flicking a ball off of a table is comedy gold.

dx/dt = 1 Cor 1:10  

Quoted: Who's talking about evolution?  This thread is about gravity.

Sure it is.

Quoted: Who's talking about evolution?  This thread is about gravity.

It's about dogma versus reason.

Quoted: Quoted: Is this shit for real? No. It is "satire".

You shouldn't have told 'em.

They would have gone for 8 pages ridiculing those "stupid Christians".

Quoted: You shouldn't have told 'em. They would have gone for 8 pages ridiculing those "stupid Christians".

I know.

But quite frankly, I don't want to bloody see it.

There is enough of that crap floating around now as it is.

If some people had thick enough skins and/or more finely honed senses of humor, they'd see the Onion makes fun of everyone.

Quoted: Quoted: Why didnt he post the link?  Want to hide the fact it was a onion article? It was a gullibility test. As expected, we have a few members who failed miserably. eta: The picture in the background showing God flicking a ball off of a table is comedy gold. dx/dt = 1 Cor 1:10

I'm just tired of this stupd article every other  board I've seen it posted at ineveitably turns into the "dumbass Christians thread".    

Quoted: You shouldn't have told 'em. They would have gone for 8 pages ridiculing those "stupid Christians".

But then it would have gone to the Religion forum and who knows what'll happen in there.

Quoted: I'm just tired of this stupd article every other  board I've seen it posted at ineveitably turns into the "dumbass Christians thread".

A thread about BATFE abuses can become a "dumbass Christian" thread.

Welcome to ARFCOM.

That's just how stuff goes around here.

More Onion headlines re: religion - watch out if these pop up in the GD (cuz theys nots real):

Non-Controversial Christ Painting Under Fire From Art Community Judge Orders God To Break Up Into Smaller Deities Black Gospel Choir Makes Man Wish He Believed In All That God Bullshit All Seven Deadly Sins Committed At Church Bake Sale Mistranslated Myths Of Nomadic Desert Shepherd Tribe Taken At Face Value Apartment Full Of Jesus Stuff Brings Date To Screeching Halt Family That Prays Together Suffers Through Long Hellish Marriage Together Christ 'Categorically Denies' Speaking To Lutheran-College Administrator Spoiled, Doughy Brat Makes Local Parent Feel Spiritually Whole Horribly Awkward First Sexual Encounter 'Worth The Wait' For Christian Newlyweds First-Amendment Bug Removed From Bill Of Rights 2.0 73 Percent Of Americans Unable To Believe This Shit Tenth Circle Added To Rapidly Growing Hell Church Group Offers Homosexual New Life In Closet Vatican Rescinds 'Blessed' Status Of World's Meek: 'Screw The Meek,' Says Pope Pope Calls For Greater Understanding Between Catholics, Hellbound

Quoted: More Onion headlines re: religion - watch out if these pop up in the GD (cuz theys nots real): Non-Controversial Christ Painting Under Fire From Art Community Judge Orders God To Break Up Into Smaller Deities Black Gospel Choir Makes Man Wish He Believed In All That God Bullshit All Seven Deadly Sins Committed At Church Bake Sale Mistranslated Myths Of Nomadic Desert Shepherd Tribe Taken At Face Value Apartment Full Of Jesus Stuff Brings Date To Screeching Halt Family That Prays Together Suffers Through Long Hellish Marriage Together Christ 'Categorically Denies' Speaking To Lutheran-College Administrator Spoiled, Doughy Brat Makes Local Parent Feel Spiritually Whole Horribly Awkward First Sexual Encounter 'Worth The Wait' For Christian Newlyweds First-Amendment Bug Removed From Bill Of Rights 2.0 73 Percent Of Americans Unable To Believe This Shit Tenth Circle Added To Rapidly Growing Hell Church Group Offers Homosexual New Life In Closet Vatican Rescinds 'Blessed' Status Of World's Meek: 'Screw The Meek,' Says Pope Pope Calls For Greater Understanding Between Catholics, Hellbound

Anybody else notice a theme there???

Quoted: More Onion headlines re: religion - watch out if these pop up in the GD (cuz theys nots real): Non-Controversial Christ Painting Under Fire From Art Community Judge Orders God To Break Up Into Smaller Deities Black Gospel Choir Makes Man Wish He Believed In All That God Bullshit All Seven Deadly Sins Committed At Church Bake Sale Mistranslated Myths Of Nomadic Desert Shepherd Tribe Taken At Face Value Apartment Full Of Jesus Stuff Brings Date To Screeching Halt Family That Prays Together Suffers Through Long Hellish Marriage Together Christ 'Categorically Denies' Speaking To Lutheran-College Administrator Spoiled, Doughy Brat Makes Local Parent Feel Spiritually Whole Horribly Awkward First Sexual Encounter 'Worth The Wait' For Christian Newlyweds First-Amendment Bug Removed From Bill Of Rights 2.0 73 Percent Of Americans Unable To Believe This Shit Tenth Circle Added To Rapidly Growing Hell Church Group Offers Homosexual New Life In Closet Vatican Rescinds 'Blessed' Status Of World's Meek: 'Screw The Meek,' Says Pope Pope Calls For Greater Understanding Between Catholics, Hellbound

Oh, shoot...you missed the one where the Sept 11 hijackers were surprised to find themselves in hell, not paradise.  That one was awesome.


Hijackers Surprised To Find Selves In Hell

"We expected eternal paradise for this," say suicide bombers.

JAHANNEM, OUTER DARKNESS?The hijackers who carried out the Sept. 11 attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon expressed confusion and surprise Monday to find themselves in the lowest plane of Na'ar, Islam's Hell.

"I was promised I would spend eternity in Paradise, being fed honeyed cakes by 67 virgins in a tree-lined garden, if only I would fly the airplane into one of the Twin Towers," said Mohammed Atta, one of the hijackers of American Airlines Flight 11, between attempts to vomit up the wasps, hornets, and live coals infesting his stomach. "But instead, I am fed the boiling feces of traitors by malicious, laughing Ifrit. Is this to be my reward for destroying the enemies of my faith?"

The rest of Atta's words turned to raw-throated shrieks, as a tusked, asp-tongued demon burst his eyeballs and drank the fluid that ran down his face.

According to Hell sources, the 19 eternally damned terrorists have struggled to understand why they have been subjected to soul-withering, infernal torture ever since their Sept. 11 arrival.

"There was a tumultuous conflagration of burning steel and fuel at our gates, and from it stepped forth these hijackers, the blessed name of the Lord already turning to molten brass on their accursed lips," said Iblis The Thrice-Damned, the cacodemon charged with conscripting new arrivals into the ranks of the forgotten. "Indeed, I do not know what they were expecting, but they certainly didn't seem prepared to be skewered from eye socket to bunghole and then placed on a spit so that their flesh could be roasted by the searing gale of flatus which issues forth from the haunches of Asmoday."

"Which is strange when you consider the evil with which they ended their lives and those of so many others," added Iblis, absentmindedly twisting the limbs of hijacker Abdul Aziz Alomari into unspeakably obscene shapes.

"I was told that these Americans were enemies of the one true religion, and that Heaven would be my reward for my noble sacrifice," said Alomari, moments before his jaw was sheared away by faceless homunculi. "But now I am forced to suckle from the 16 poisoned leathern teats of Gophahmet, Whore of Betrayal, until I burst from an unwholesome engorgement of curdled bile. This must be some sort of terrible mistake."

Exacerbating the terrorists' tortures, which include being hollowed out and used as prophylactics by thorn-cocked Gulbuth The Rampant, is the fact that they will be forced to endure such suffering in sight of the Paradise they were expecting.

"It might actually be the most painful thing we can do, to show these murderers the untold pleasures that would have awaited them in Paradise, if only they had lived pious lives," said Praxitas, Duke of Those Willingly Led Astray. "I mean, it's tough enough being forced through a wire screen by the callused palms of Halcorym and then having your entrails wound onto a stick and fed to the toothless, foul-breathed swine of Gehenna. But to endure that while watching the righteous drink from a river of wine? That can't be fun."

Underworld officials said they have not yet decided on a permanent punishment for the terrorists.

"Eventually, we'll settle on an eternal and unending task for them," said Lord Androalphus, High Praetor of Excruciations. "But for now, everyone down here wants a crack at them. The legions of fang-wombed hags will take their pleasure on their shattered carcasses for most of this afternoon. Tomorrow, their flesh will be melted from their bones like wax in the burning embrace of the Mother of Cowards. The day after that, they'll be sodomized by the Fallen and their bowels shredded by a demonic ejaculate of burning sand. Then, on Sunday, Satan gets them all day. I can't even imagine what he's got cooked up for

Quoted: Oh, shoot...you missed the one where the Sept 11 hijackers were surprised to find themselves in hell, not paradise.  That one was awesome.

Then there's "U.S. Blowjobless Rate At All-Time High" - but you've got to remember they're HQ'd out of the liberal Mecca of Madison, WI - so while funny some of the time - they can be really grating most of the time.

Quoted: Quoted: I'm just tired of this stupd article every other  board I've seen it posted at ineveitably turns into the "dumbass Christians thread".     A thread about BATFE abuses can become a "dumbass Christian" thread. Welcome to ARFCOM. That's just how stuff goes around here.

LOL I'm assuming your referring to the thread about the atf activity at the Henrico gunshow.  I remember thinking wtf as it took that turn.  I know what your saying about welcome to ARFCOM but it wasn't always like this.

Quoted: Quoted: More Onion headlines re: religion - watch out if these pop up in the GD (cuz theys nots real): <snip> Anybody else notice a theme there???

Yes. All of the Onion headlines referring to religion seem to coincidentally refer to religion. Must be a conspiracy. In related news, over 98% of red cars are painted red.

Fransisco Franco is still dead, too.

Quoted: Yes. All of the Onion headlines referring to religion seem to coincidentally refer to religion. Must be a conspiracy. In related news, over 98% of red cars are painted red. Fransisco Franco is still dead, too.

Not what I meant and you know it.

Quoted: Quoted: You shouldn't have told 'em. They would have gone for 8 pages ridiculing those "stupid Christians". I know. But quite frankly, I don't want to bloody see it. There is enough of that crap floating around now as it is.

Then don't look. It doesn't bother me.

Apartment Full Of Jesus Stuff Brings Date To Screeching Halt

Quoted: Then don't look. It doesn't bother me.

I tried that arguement.

It doesn't work.

I can't figure out who is/should be upset by this.  I have a hard time keeping up with this ID stuff.  Does that stuff come from believers or non-believers?  It's all just too silly for me to follow.

Quoted: LMFAO! This reminds me of the article in The Onion where they were saying one of the laws of thermodynamics (the second I think) couldn't be taught in school because is was inconsistent with creationism. ETA Oh shit, here it is: graphics.theonion.com/pics_3631/christian_protestors.gif link

Actually, it is evolution that is inconsistant with the 2nd law of thermodynamics.  It basically says that (complex) breaks down to (simple) over time with the release of energy.  Hardly consistant with (simple) plus time equals (infinitely complex) which is what evolution is theorizing.