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Posted: 3/5/2008 7:34:39 AM EST
Sunday my Brother in law called up. He needed a favor.
He is the (only) good brother in law, not the crack head, nor the pathological liar, nor the felon, nor the drama queen. The other one. The one that owns/runs his own business, lives on the water, has a wife nearly as hot as her sister. He likes imported beer too. So. He needs me to drive out to his house and help him launch his floating dock thing. Something like a floating boat trailer, mounted to his dock (rather common 'round these parts). "No problem" says I, "It will be a few, as I am messing around here, give me half an hour and I'll be on my way". I planned on popping smoke right then, but as I had spent the day before in the garage working on my boat, and drinking, I ran it past the wife unit. I'm a thoughtful and generous kind of guy. Turns out, she wants to tag along. It seems that she wants me to buy her a house near her sister (the hot one, married to the rich dude, who I am going to help), and the realtor told her of two houses about to go on the market. So we begin loading up the Bug out Vehicle (BOV) with my platoon of children, and as we are still potty training John Moses (he' up to 50/50 accuracy), she packs a change of clothes for him. Thirty minutes later we are off. The trip was pretty normal, the standard near "draw down" at a few traffic lights, and once at a stop for beer, threats of "I'll turn this car around", "don't make me pull over" and "be quiet, you'll wake up the kids", we arrived some 20 minutes later. I ran out to the dock, as that is where Jessica Alba's husband was, only having to stop for breath once. Have you all ever seen a concrete barge? The USS Ronald Reagan could back up on this thing to scrape the hull down. I guess he could have over built it a little more, but the Corps of Engineers would have been needed for the launch effort. After a while, we pushed it in. It turns out that he is not a super handy guy, despite constructing something that could float an Abrams, it is 'top heavy'. That means it wants to flip over. And the tide is running, and the wind is blowing at 15 mph at 3/4 value. Oh yeah, he still has to bolt up the mounting plate. For the next 30 minutes I am laying on the dock, trying to keep the contraption from a)floating off, b) flipping over, and c) getting blown off. After ten minutes, my arms were shivering like a dog shitting peach seeds. My wife then comes down to see how things are going (screw with us). I ask her to grab the 'tag line' that we had somehow thought to tie to the end of the floating dry dock. "pull it tight... ah!, that's it!" I exclaim, a second before total muscle failure and loss of bowel control. "Now just throw a clove hitch around that post" I may as well have asked her the relative humidity on Mercury. She had that blank stare on her face that normally I only see during sex. I am obviously both a failure as a husband and a father for neglecting a Ropes and Knots class for this long. Heed my warning, fellow lovers of the Black Rifle and pie. Don't let such a fate befall you, before you tie the knot, make sure she can too. |
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What the hell is a clove hitch? I don't know knots. I mean I can tie some decent knots I guess. I don't know any of them by name though or anything.
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The clove hitch is a type of knot. It consists of two identical half hitches made successively around an object. It is most effective used as a crossing knot. Although it can be used as a binding knot, it is not particularly secure in that role. A clove hitch made around the standing part of the line is known as either Two half-hitches or Buntline hitch, depending on whether half-hitches progress away or towards the hitched object. Used as a traditional hitch, that is loading only one end, the clove hitch is liable to slip. It requires a load in each direction in order to be effective, such as when being used as a crossing knot. It should not be relied on with rope that is thin or very slippery, as it can work itself loose, especially under a swinging or rotating load. However, for this very reason, the knot is useful in situations where a the length of the running end needs to be adjustable. It can also jam and become difficult to untie under some situations. To tie a clove hitch, first place a loop around the pole, with the working end of the rope on top. Run the working end round the pole once more until you meet the place where the ropes cross, then pass the working end under the cross. Pull to tighten. |
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Damn, I do not even need pics to see it all. That was so well written and funny as hell. Alba, barge, peach pits. 10/10 sir.
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Don't be too hard on yourself. Most "men" today couldn't tie a clove hitch without Google to help them.
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holy chit you just wrote about my life...down to the 50/50 potty training
10/10 |
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I don't know how to tie a clove hitch either, and I was a Sea Cadet as a youth.
10/10. |
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Exceptional.
Super extra bonus for this line:
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9.5/10
A little more anger and you would have scored a perfect 10. |
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The dog shitting peach pits was a nice touch.
Such euphimisms must only be found in Bat. Well struck.[clap] 9/10 (and i don't give 10s) |
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That is a dressed & polished rant of the highest order.
You could go ahead and over achieve a bit AND POST PICS OF SAID HOTTIES! |
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Intructions within- |
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Well done, Sir. Great and varied references throughout, and a terrific ability to paint a picture with words.
I salute you. |
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in the C 1/75 parking lot. Meetings are for quitters. |
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So you're saying she's as good when it comes to sex, as she is at clove hitches?
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10/10
Most women do not know knots though. ETA: what was she suppose to secure the line to? |
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Good rant! Knowing how to properly tie knots is something that a lot of people just don't know anymore. Thank God it was drilled into my head as a young man as both a scout and a 12B.
A little bit of vindication happened a few weeks ago when my son was home for leave from the USCG (he was an Eagle Scout too). We were hoisting a Jeep hardtop and he had the end of a the rope, it a two part one handed movement he tied a clove hitch quicker than anyone I've ever seen! Just smacked the rope against the tie down and grabbed the end to tighten with his hand. Nothing like being a dad and looking at your son and thinking "Damn kid, you're the shit!" |
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What? secure that shit with a half hitch and it ain't going anywhere! ~Dg84 |
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8.5/10
Lack of the creative use of F-words. Other than that its a 10/10. |
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you, sir, are a man to make Samuel Clemens spit his bourbon all over his monitor and ROTFL.
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10/10 for ability to pull off a rant like that without exessive use of the "F" word.
That aint easy! |
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