are there programs that automaticly send a response telling me that the recipient has read it with out he recipient knowing??

www.didtheyreadit.com

How does one defeat it?

I just glanced at the link but I would guess that it used a script that any good e-mail program is going to prevent from running because it looks very much like spy-ware that sends info to a remote server.
Most e-mail programs will have an option to automatically send a return receipt request with each e-mail.   There should also be an option to manually attach a receipt request.  The othe person's e-mail program should have settings to send receipts automatically, pop up a yes or no box, or deny all receipt requests.
These are standard e-mail options that most e-mail programs have.

It works and works good. I used it for awhile. It isnt easy to get around. Yes it can be done, but not my normal email people.