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Posted: 6/4/2008 2:09:03 PM EDT
Yesterday was my day off. Yes, my third in four months. I had figured that I have time off, and I will go and wash my clothes. Early morning is usually best, with low traffic in the laundry mods, and mostly available dryers. So began, quite unknowingly, my introduction to the unknown military art of “How Assholes Wash Clothes”. The insertion & application of my intended load of laundry into the washer went well. As I finished loading up the washer, I couldn’t help but notice the 5 empty washers, and how my ABUs needed to be washed. So I headed back to get 2 sets of ABUs. Well, as I returned to the laundry mod, I noticed an Army fellow inserting his clothing into some washers. Not a problem I thought, as there would be four remaining. Well, Mr. Asshole had a different thought. He had enough laundry to fill up two (as I had estimated) washing machines, and decided he needed my “in-use” washing machine. These washers lock when you turn them on, so pulling one open, while it’s in use is impossible without it being deliberate. He pulled mine open, removed my clothes, and threw them out a window on to the dirty dusty ground outside. He looked over at me; quite unknowing that he had just thrown out my stuff, and said “Fucking assholes taking up all my space”. “Huh”, I said, “I will have to remember that”. He gave me a strange look and continued about his “exploits”, saying that he had done the same thing repeatedly to “some other Air Force assholes” and some Bulgarian “<racial-slurs>“. My mid-brain when into overdrive, with it saying “You must kill this fucker for what he has done”, but my forebrain said “Patience is a virtue, Karma will get him sooner or later”, and thankfully the forebrain won the internal argument. I took a few deep breaths to calm down, and walked outside to pick up my discarded laundry. When I left the mod, he ran out right past me. Fuck knows where he was going, I don’t care, nor will I ever care. After throwing my ABUs into the washer, and my other load back into the washer, I paused a second to think what it was I could do, but decided being the person to take the high road was better, but if the opportunity came I would take it.

Well a half-hour passes, and I go to retrieve my clothing from the washers and place them in the dryers. I grabbed a water bottle, one of those Kool-Aid packets meant for 2.5 gallons, and my box of dryer sheets, and preceded back to the laundry mod. My only hope was that Mr. Asshole hadn’t thrown my stuff out again. Well upon arrival I discovered my washers were not done washing yet, and sat on top of them to wait until they were done. I was happily content that there were 4 dryers open, and unless fate (being naturally cruel) stepped in, I would have one for my usage. Well as luck would have it Mr. Asshole come back in for his stuff, and take it out and puts it in a dryer. He then puts some more in to the washers he was using. As I was waiting, I added some of the Kool-Aid mix into my water, and once again was content for the time being. When the asshole left I found fortune struck me that exact moment in multiple ways.

How fortune strikes:
1) Asshole leaves his M4, and a fully loaded magazine
2) Asshole leaves his Military ID card & Afghanistan ID card
3) Asshole forgets to push the start button for both his washers

I had noticed that the jackass had left his M4 unattended, and I felt sorry for him if someone found out. Then it hit me. Colt M4. Kool-Aid. My attention immediately shifted to the asshole’s unstarted washers, and my mind correlated the washers with the kool-aid. Never the less, I waited for my stuff to get done washing and put my stuff in the dryer. 10-minutes had passed from the asshole’s departure. In those 10-minutes that he had been gone, I had thought of those all three ways fortune had hit me, and had noticed a fourth.

4) Asshole left his dryer unattended

“Now or never” was the last thought of the planning stage. Actions will be taken, people will get hurt, and I started executing my evil plan. I could have thought of hundreds of way to say the “vengeance is mine” bullshit as my heart pounded away in my chest. I remember thinking “I better not get PTSD from this shit…”

Actions against the Laundry Asshole:
1) Red Kool-Aid in both washers. Kool-Aid stains like a motherfucker
2) His identification was placed in my pocket
3) His M4 was slung around my shoulder
4) His clothes (which included 2 sets of ACUs) were taken out of the dryer

His ACUs were brought to an adjacent laundry mod, and placed on a table there. I will not fuck with someone’s uniforms no matter how large the asshole is, but moving them is something I will do. His IDs and carbine were brought to the Security Forces front desk, where they were quite surprised by those items, and that they both had been left unattended. Once I had dropped off his weapon & IDs, it was around time for my laundry to be done in the dryer, and I headed back to the laundry mod hoping sincerely that the asshole would not be there. As fate would have it, as it is naturally cruel, he would be there when I arrived. I went back to my mod to get my laundry bag, and headed to the laundry. Once I got there, Mr. Asshole and two of his compatriots were looking under the washers for something. The first thing I heard was “Where did you last see it?”, quickly followed by “In here you dumb fuck!”. I quietly chuckled thinking “You are the dumb fuck. You left your shit out. At least you will get it back sooner or later.” One of them said “What if hadji took your IDs?” Another said “You could be in some deep shit for losing your ID”. The whole time I was in there, they were looking for the ID with no mention of a M4. Once I finished retrieving my stuff from the dryer, I glanced over at them, chuckled, and left. I guess the asshole had realized his load was done in the washer, because when I had cleared the door by about 15-feet, I heard him exclaim “What the fuck happened to my clothes!!!” I burst into laughter, quite loudly I might add, feeling no regret at having found the asshole that had fucked with quite a few of my brethren, and paid him back for his quite obnoxious behavior. Writing this I now realize that sometimes for Karma to work, it needs to be helped along a little.
Link Posted: 6/4/2008 2:13:06 PM EDT
Oh my God, this is the best story I've read all month.

Link Posted: 6/4/2008 2:13:37 PM EDT




You, sir, are a god among men.

Link Posted: 6/4/2008 2:13:44 PM EDT
10 !    epic win, and rant of the year.
Link Posted: 6/4/2008 2:13:51 PM EDT
Never leave laundry unattended, this is why. Nice job.
Link Posted: 6/4/2008 2:16:51 PM EDT
Solid Work.

Link Posted: 6/4/2008 2:19:58 PM EDT
LOL.  Wait a few hours someone will be posting their story here about how some asshole stole their m4/ id/ and somehow kool aid stained their clothes in thewash in afghanistan.
Link Posted: 6/4/2008 2:22:20 PM EDT

I hate motherfuckers who believe that their laundry is sooooo important that they will just remove someone elses still damp stuff from a running dryer instead of waiting a few min for it to finish drying.
Link Posted: 6/4/2008 2:22:57 PM EDT

 Bump for Epic Ownage

Link Posted: 6/4/2008 2:23:11 PM EDT
Nice work Darkstar!

I always wanted to catch one of those laundry ruing fucks in the act.  You are my new hero!



Next time shit on his ACUs and leave them in the street.
Link Posted: 6/4/2008 2:27:20 PM EDT
You are my hero.

At Camp Fallujah, we had Filipinos do our laundry for us...24 hour turnaround time...
Link Posted: 6/4/2008 2:29:29 PM EDT
I think it would be a good thing if we never fuck with Darkstar117...EVER.

BTW, was the guy's name Tenorman?

NICE WORK!  Kool Aid?  That is mean but not as bad as military gear oil.  Kool Aid stains come out with Biz Bleach, a non-chlorine bleach that won't hurt BDUs/ACUs and the like.  No optical brightners either.
Link Posted: 6/4/2008 2:31:43 PM EDT
That shit used to happen to me when i was deployed. Some asshole would take my cloths out of the dryer mid cycle, throw them on a table wet, and then put their shit in.

Every single time It happened I took their cloths out of the dryer and threw that shit outside in the dirt. That is one thing I would go to blows for. If I saw some asshole fucking with my shit, its on. Nothing worse then wearing the same cloths for 4 days and trying to get 1 rare off day to clean your shit only to have some asshole disrepect your shit.

Dont fuck with another mans clothing. If his shit is done and you need the dryer, pull his stuff out and neatly put it together or fold it for them.
Link Posted: 6/4/2008 2:32:58 PM EDT
Link Posted: 6/4/2008 2:35:45 PM EDT
You don't leave your laundry unattended, you just don't. People are assholes and thieves and will steal your undies or throw your shit out. Karma's a bitch.
Link Posted: 6/4/2008 2:37:11 PM EDT
Best thread i have read EVER!!

Stay safe down there and good one to be this guys karma. Hope you have an AAR for what happened for
him losing his ID's and M4.
Link Posted: 6/4/2008 2:39:38 PM EDT
Link Posted: 6/4/2008 2:48:04 PM EDT
Darkstar117, when i passed through and hung out with you last month, I did a load of laundry as I'd been on the road for 7 days at that point and only had 4 days of clothes with me.  Yes, my socks stunk hardcore.  Well, i left them unattended but monitored my watch.  I came back about 10 minutes later than I should have and someone had put them in the dryer.  I came back about 10 minutes after the dryer was supposed to have finished and someone had folded them!!!

Oh, and in with the obligatory Darkstar + Disco Charlie's Angels pic.  

Fuck it... some minigun goodness too.  I can't believe you guys kept that chainsaw pointed at my cranium

Link Posted: 6/4/2008 2:58:40 PM EDT
Totaly awsome. Yeah nothing pisses you off more than deing deployed trying to do laundry and some shitbag pulling this shit.
Link Posted: 6/4/2008 3:03:19 PM EDT
One Soldier I work with had somebody take his shit out and throw theirs in.  He went back to his room, got his bleach and emptied the bottle into their machine.  Dude was called Casper at next formation.

Link Posted: 6/4/2008 3:05:50 PM EDT
Here at Anaconda, there is a laundry service with a 3-day turnaround.  I REALLY wish I could wash my own stuff, but it's impossible.

When I wash my ACUs, I put my tops inside out and zip them up to keep the velcro from sticking to itself and other items of clothing and getting twisted and frayed.  I continued to do that when I got to Anaconda - one time.

I dropped off my clothing at the laundry place, including two sets of ACUS with the tops inside out and zipped as is my custom.  Three days later I checked on my clothing, and found that BOTH tops had been forcibly separated somehow, and three or four teeth were gone from a section of the zipper.  BOTH ACUs.  I still can't imagine how that happened, unless the workers zipped the top and bottom zippers towards the middle until they were together and gave it a really good yank.
Link Posted: 6/4/2008 3:09:32 PM EDT

Communal anything in the military is going to get fucked up.

We had guys getting underware stolen. What kind of nasty creature would steal someones underwear to use as their own?

Link Posted: 6/4/2008 3:09:55 PM EDT
Darkstar, FTMFW
Link Posted: 6/4/2008 3:13:20 PM EDT
YOU SIR, ARE FULL OF WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!­!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!­!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!­!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!­!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!­!!

Link Posted: 6/4/2008 3:15:24 PM EDT
Pay back's a BITCH sometimes........
Link Posted: 6/4/2008 3:16:14 PM EDT
Epyk.  Win.
Link Posted: 6/4/2008 3:16:32 PM EDT
+100 for Teh Winz!!!!!!11!1!!

To the everlasting glory of the infantry US Air Force
Link Posted: 6/4/2008 3:17:29 PM EDT
Link Posted: 6/4/2008 3:17:36 PM EDT


I hate motherfuckers who believe that their laundry is sooooo important that they will just remove someone elses still damp stuff from a running dryer instead of waiting a few min for it to finish drying.

That type of shit was grounds for a beatdown when I was in korea.... when someone left their wet shit in the washer, you either put it on top of the wash when you put your stuff in or (if you were a really nice guy) you threw it into a dryer for em.  We caught a HHC fag in our laundry room throwing some dudes shit on teh floor, I took back every nasty thing I'd ever said about scouts after the fucking kick-in that the HHC kid recieved.

A man who'd rat fuck another mans laundry is about a half step above a fuckin chow thief.
Link Posted: 6/4/2008 3:30:39 PM EDT
+1 on the Win......>"scribbles red kool-aid in notebook"
Link Posted: 6/4/2008 3:34:57 PM EDT

Link Posted: 6/4/2008 3:35:27 PM EDT
Link Posted: 6/4/2008 3:39:59 PM EDT
Don't fuck with teh Darkstar!!!!!!!!!!!
Link Posted: 6/4/2008 3:40:50 PM EDT

10 !    epic win, and rant of the year.

Link Posted: 6/4/2008 3:43:09 PM EDT
Good stuff, mang.  

I'd be very interested in hearing how leaving his M4 and ID cards unsecured treated him.

At KAF in 2004, I just pretty much resigned myself to spending 3-5 hours at the laundry tent when I could get there.  The Subway trailer had just gone in, so I'd grab a sandwich and bring a book or two, and stay there in the tent until all my stuff was done.  

Link Posted: 6/4/2008 3:43:17 PM EDT
lol, should have put a boltface logo on his M4
Link Posted: 6/4/2008 3:45:51 PM EDT
Sucks to be him
Link Posted: 6/4/2008 3:47:24 PM EDT
Good Job.
Link Posted: 6/4/2008 4:06:12 PM EDT
Classic AF attack.  Identify weakness, stay off the radar, score quick kill, and don't break a sweat doing it.    Well done my man!
Link Posted: 6/4/2008 4:33:30 PM EDT
Link Posted: 6/4/2008 5:05:19 PM EDT
Nicely done.  I never left my laundry unattended and found that was the best approach.  
Link Posted: 6/4/2008 5:31:11 PM EDT

Not a deployed laundry rant....

In the barracks the washers and dryers were non-commercial units, they could be stopped and reset.

There were three washers and 4 dryers.

I put my stuff into two washers, set the timer and left.

About 5 minutes later I came back into the laundry room to add bleach and fabric softner to my clothes.

I opened up the machine where my whites "had been" and found it full of someone elses dark clothing.

Same with my other machine.

I looked around for my clothes and found them inside the dryer, still with undisolved soap on them.  

I took my clothes out of the dryers and took them back to the room, then I went back to the machine and dumped the entire gallon jug of bleach into both of the washers and then left.

About 20 minutes later I heard someone screaming and yelling in the laundry room about how their clothing had been ruined.

I never left my laundry alone after that.
Link Posted: 6/4/2008 5:31:16 PM EDT
very very nice Big win . It must suck to be him
Link Posted: 6/4/2008 5:35:23 PM EDT
Nice. I'll remember this when I go over there.
Link Posted: 6/4/2008 5:47:09 PM EDT

Link Posted: 6/4/2008 5:47:21 PM EDT
Link Posted: 6/4/2008 5:58:23 PM EDT
I love it, but just out of curiosity, why didn't you stop him or say something when you first saw him opening the washer with your clothes in it?  Sounds like you stood there while he threw your stuff out the window.
Link Posted: 6/4/2008 11:51:19 PM EDT
Washers? Overseas...

No KBR laundry service for the Air Force?

Having hadji wash & fold my laundry for free was quite useful.... Also ensured none of the 'fun and games' described above WRT communal laundry machines...

That said, the asshole deserved what he got...

And he'll be quite well fucked once his command has to help him get his ID/weapon back... You just may well have helped him make Fuzzy (E-1 = no rank = fuzzy velcro patch)....
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 12:52:23 AM EDT
I think this is about the 3rd time in 3 months that you have won the internets.
Link Posted: 6/5/2008 12:58:34 AM EDT

Oh my God, this is the best story I've read all month.

Link Posted: 6/5/2008 7:45:20 AM EDT
Any word on what happened to the Army dude yet?  I would imagine an Article 15 at least.
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