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Posted: 8/27/2004 5:37:23 AM EDT
Dems, PLEASE don't read this!

When they ask you why you're voting for George Bush give them the old "aw shucks" routine. Agree, as so many of us do, that we differ with Bush on stem cell research and women's rights and the environment and the religious right. Then look them in the eye and say, "Of course the single biggest issue in my life and my children's lives is terrorism and Kerry frankly looks like a simpering wimp." Now, almost every Democrat will then play the Michael Moore card.

Democrats will insist that it is your duty as a living, breathing human being to go see Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11. "YOU MUST SEE IT. YOU MUST SEE IT," they scream.

Republicans, I urge you, remain calm — although I must admit it's a frightening moment because their eyes roll back in their head and a few drops of spittle come out of the sides of their mouth. It is not drooling; it is just a few harmless drops that jump out of their mouths with the fervor of their love for the disgusting Mr. Moore. Please remember, most Democrats are harmless. Of course, Charles Manson was a Democrat but that was many years ago.

How do you answer them? Just look down and say almost everything in Michael Moore's movie was a lie. They will then insist that you see the 7-minute spot on 9/11 when Bush was notified of the attack while he was reading to children in a nursery school. You just answer that he did indeed looked stunned and ask them how they thought Franklin D. Roosevelt looked when he heard the Japanese had bombed Pearl Harbor. Then tell them that you have it on good authority that upon hearing of the Japanese air strike, Franklin D. Roosevelt jumped up and ran 50 feet before he remembered he was paralyzed. Compliment them on the fact that apparently no Democrats looked stunned when they heard that planes had crashed into the Twin Towers and tell them you wish you were as cool as they were. Assure them that you are well aware that Michael Moore was not stunned at the news of the terrorist attack, after all, didn't he say about the World Trade Center tragedy:

"Only 3000 Americans were killed. There are 290 million Americans. All right? Osama bin Laden should be considered innocent until proven guilty. The intervention in Afghanistan was unjustified. The American lives lost in Afghanistan have been wasted."

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