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11/22/2017 10:05:29 PM
Posted: 10/19/2004 7:42:41 PM EST
[Last Edit: 10/26/2004 7:45:39 PM EST by Gr8Santini]
I'm currently dating a woman who has two daughters (ages 5 and 9) from a previous marriage. I absolutely love being around all three of them, and hope to become a big part of their lives. The oldest daughter has a wish on her Christmas list that her mommy marries me! I have a "rule" that when I'm with my girlfriend and her daughters that none of us can walk anywhere. We must skip together anywhere we go (I'm 6'4" tall and about 240lbs, so imagine the sight!). It's a lot of fun and the girls love it!
Well, the girls told their dad what a great skipper I am, and he in turn told them that I need to call him and arrange a skipping contest! He's also asked them all kinds of questions about me that really don't sit well with me. I don't want to compete with this fellow for status as the girls' dad, but as things continue to evolve with my relationship with their mother, I know that my status in their lives will change. I guess I'm looking for advice on how to deal with the ex and how to talk to the girls if and when he gets petty enough to try and compare himself to and compete with me. This is very awkward as I want the girls to love an admire their father, but also love and accept me too.
Link Posted: 10/19/2004 9:17:22 PM EST
Alright, this is the womens forum, so I shouldn't throw in my two cents, but I will anyways.

This is an awkward situation you put yourself into. You can't blame the father for what hes doing. The questions he asked about you are probably okay, after all you are trying to be the father of his own flesh and blood. If you had kids would you let just anyone raise them? These children might be the most important thing in his life and he wants to know how competent you are for the job. As for the skipping contest, he might just want to see how well you interact with the kids. Since you didn't say the reason your gf/the fathers ex split, I'm assuming it was for neutral reasons. The guy just probably wants to see what kind of father you would be.
Link Posted: 10/20/2004 2:55:54 AM EST
what you are wanting can be accomplished. You will need moms help in it though, IMHO. The most important thing that needs to get across to the girls and their father is You are not their father, you do not want to take their fathers place. If things develop past a dating relationship, you will be playing the father role while they are with you and their father is concerned about this. If you see things are going to go past the dating relationship, you will want to meet the father, to help ease his mind.
From a divorced mom of 2 girls, I have seen both sides of this. My husbands side and my exhusbands side. All they both wanted was for the girls to have a good home, good parental figures etc.
They don't like each other, but they both know that they are both good fathers (father figure) to the girls. They get along with each other for the sake of the girls. If I haven't answered anything specific enough, please IM me..
BTW, I'm sitting here giggling thinking about a man your size skipping along with the girls. (my husband is 6'2 and 240, so the image I can see)
You sound like a great guy and I hope this works out for you, just remember, if things do get or are serious, you can't be "fun" all the time.
Link Posted: 10/20/2004 5:31:01 AM EST
[Last Edit: 10/20/2004 5:33:19 AM EST by Zoub]
It is not a contest. so don't get drawn in to one. He either gets use to you or he doesn't. She either supports you or she doesn't. Keep it between the parents. If the Dad is jealous, it is soley his problem.

But I would say based on your arfcom name, if you act all "Santini" with his kids, you may get your ass kicked regardless of your size. I am going through a divorce right now, I managed to raise my daughter to age 10 without laying a hand on her, and I am the only parent that brings any discipline into her life. So while I would expect my child to do as she is told by adults in her life, I would also expect no one to lay a hand on her. If she is disrespectful to a male friend of my ex-wife's, I would fix it myself, if I were told about it.

What I would want to hear from you is you will always treat the mother with respect in front of my child. Never hit my Daughter and that you would always put her safety first AKA no drunk driving, no dumbass friends, the rules always enforced. Basically either work with me in terms of my child or stay out of my way, but don't fuck up.

In my case, if you are with my wife, chances are good you are a substance abuser anyway. Not a guy who skips with kids and takes them to the zoo and enjoys their company. That kind of effort I pesonally would appreciate.

Just be yourself.
Link Posted: 10/20/2004 5:35:31 AM EST
[Last Edit: 10/20/2004 5:38:18 AM EST by wedge1082]

Originally Posted By MrsGungho:
what you are wanting can be accomplished. You will need moms help in it though, IMHO. The most important thing that needs to get across to the girls and their father is You are not their father, you do not want to take their fathers place. If things develop past a dating relationship, you will be playing the father role while they are with you and their father is concerned about this. If you see things are going to go past the dating relationship, you will want to meet the father, to help ease his mind.
From a divorced mom of 2 girls, I have seen both sides of this. My husbands side and my exhusbands side. All they both wanted was for the girls to have a good home, good parental figures etc.
They don't like each other, but they both know that they are both good fathers (father figure) to the girls. They get along with each other for the sake of the girls. If I haven't answered anything specific enough, please IM me..
BTW, I'm sitting here giggling thinking about a man your size skipping along with the girls. (my husband is 6'2 and 240, so the image I can see)
You sound like a great guy and I hope this works out for you, just remember, if things do get or are serious, you can't be "fun" all the time.



You should listen to MrsGungho... she is very wise.

Even though she is mad at me for posting a certain picture.
Link Posted: 10/20/2004 5:38:59 AM EST

Originally Posted By wedge1082:

You should listen to MrsGungho... she is very wise.

Even though she is mad at me for postint a certain picture.



Thx wedge.. I don't claim to be wise, but I've been thru it.

BTW... I don't stay mad long
Link Posted: 10/20/2004 5:59:21 AM EST

Originally Posted By MrsGungho:

Originally Posted By wedge1082:

You should listen to MrsGungho... she is very wise.

Even though she is mad at me for postint a certain picture.



Thx wedge.. I don't claim to be wise, but I've been thru it.

BTW... I don't stay mad long



You dated a woman with an ex?

I suppose that pretty much killed the good will we developed today. We both knew it would not last long.

I stand by my MrsGungho is wise statement.
Link Posted: 10/20/2004 5:59:56 AM EST
[Last Edit: 10/20/2004 6:11:30 AM EST by Colt_SBR]
Permission for a guy to post here.

The last three girls I dated had children.

The first was getting a divorce and had two children. A girl 6 months old and a boy 2 years old. The boy loved me. The girl was too young to know. She did like to be around me.

The second was also getting a divorce (husband as in jail for auto theft). I knew her when she was pregnant. I started dating her when her daughter was 6 months old. She and her daughter are still friends of mine and her daughter thinks of me as her dad. She never met her real dad and he didn't care to see her. I gave her away when she got married. I was a proud surrogate father.

The third I married (Mrs. Colt_SBR). I knew her way before her daughter was born, she worked with my mom. Her daughter was about 6 years old. Unfortunately, we never got along (still don't get along well).

I never tried to take the father's place and always made that clear. You can never be their father. Doesn't sound like your trying.

Make sure you let the children's father know, your not trying to take his place. Also make sure he knows you respect his fatherhood. Let his know, you care for your girlfriend the two girls and like being around them. He also needs to know, you aren't going anywhere.

As far as the skipping contest. I would tell him, it's a special thing between them and you. You respect his special moments with them and he should respect yours.

Thanks for allowing me to contribute to this post. Hope my experience helps.

Colt_SBR
Link Posted: 10/20/2004 7:38:03 AM EST

Originally Posted By Colt_SBR:
Permission for a guy to post here.



Why do guys think they're not allowed to post here? I love when they post here, provided that they tread lightly.

Anyway, I agree that the father is just trying to know what kind of person you are and whether or not you're fit to be a possible stepdad. Perhaps he feels a bit like his spot may be taken over, but if he isn't a deadbeat then they're no reason to compete. Maybe he just feels that his territory is being threatened a bit; it has to be a hard thing to adjust to, having your ex date someone new who could possibly stick around and be a stepparent.
Link Posted: 10/20/2004 1:53:15 PM EST

Originally Posted By Colt_SBR:
As far as the skipping contest. I would tell him, it's a special thing between them and you. You respect his special moments with them and he should respect yours.






+1
Link Posted: 10/20/2004 3:55:38 PM EST
Step-families can be awsome, and you have an oppourtunity to be a great influence in these girl's lives. I say let the guy ask his questions, but do not deal with him directly, and do not say anything negative about him in front of the kids. Let their mother deal with him. Because this is her ex, and his kids happen to like you, no matter what you say to him, you will come out looking like an a*$. Keep your place, and be polite to him, but let his issues roll off your back. Good luck.
Link Posted: 10/20/2004 4:37:39 PM EST

Originally Posted By diabolical_chicken:

Originally Posted By Colt_SBR:
As far as the skipping contest. I would tell him, it's a special thing between them and you. You respect his special moments with them and he should respect yours.






+1



Double up! This was a great quote
Link Posted: 10/21/2004 3:43:07 AM EST
On a side note, Gr8Santini you think you are such a great skipper.... I challenge you to a skipping dual Sir.
www.ar15.com/forums/topic.html?b=1&f=5&t=275079
Link Posted: 10/21/2004 11:49:31 PM EST
The only thing that jumped out at me (my parents divorced at a young age) was the fact that he is asking them about you. I don't know what he asked you, but if it doesn't "sit well" with you this may be a problem and you and/or your girlfriend might need to talk to him about that or just in general so as not to drag the daughters into it.

Oh, yeah: and you're a dork for skipping. I'm kidding - I know you need to do what they enjoy, but I'd still like to see it.
Link Posted: 10/22/2004 12:51:30 AM EST
[Last Edit: 10/22/2004 12:54:31 AM EST by SigZiggy]
Don't listen to any of these guys about the skipping. Those kids will never forget something like that. I bet they end up doing it with their kids someday!

Also, I must mention it's quote refreshing to hear a man say that he loves being around his g/f's kids. I read so much negativity about this, it almost appeared that there were no men left who actually truly enjoyed being around children!
Link Posted: 10/22/2004 1:37:46 AM EST
Link Posted: 10/22/2004 1:45:27 AM EST

Originally Posted By Gr8Santini:
We must skip together anywhere we go (I'm 6'4" tall and about 240lbs, so imagine the sight!).



Doesn't that make you queer?!?! Just kidding man. That's great that you have such a good relationship with her children and that they're not resentful that you're there instead of their father. I have a friend who's step-kids barely acknowledge his existence, let alone want to hang out and do things with him. Best of luck to you and to your hopefully soon to be new family!!
Link Posted: 10/22/2004 2:45:31 AM EST
Link Posted: 10/22/2004 2:49:08 AM EST

Originally Posted By TomJefferson:
Add Mrs. Gungho's post and Zoub's post and you have both sides of the issue.

Accept the fact you aren't their father and embrace the role of the step father. You'll hear "You're not my father!" often enough when discipline becomes an issue. Let it roll off your back like a light shower on a summer day then reply "No, I'm not, but I do care for you.". Don't compete for their affection for it will either come naturally or it will not. Children are individuals and their attitudes will vary with age. Reinforce their relationship with their father and never bad mouth him. In the longrun, the badmouther loses eventually.

Foremost and above all, the relationship triad is a mental game. A game that patience, calm thinking, and committment wins!

Tj



very well said.
Link Posted: 10/22/2004 10:31:47 AM EST

Originally Posted By SigZiggy:
I read so much negativity about this, it almost appeared that there were no men left who actually truly enjoyed being around children!


Not to hijack the thread, but we have to be careful about that because of the majority of child molestors are men and I think it makes some women uncomfortable when a strange man (not odd, but a "stranger") takes an interest in her child. When my GF points out a cute child I just casually say "Yeah, he/she is cute." I have to be especially careful because for some reason many infants and toddlers are fascinated by me.

Now when it comes to GF/BF's kids there is no excuse other than some kind of immaturity.
Link Posted: 10/26/2004 7:37:30 PM EST
Fwiw, I'm not gay, but won't waste time here trying to prove otherwise. I told the kids that I like to skip because it makes me happy, and that I'm not good enough at it to have a contest with their father. In a perfect world, their father and mother would still be together. I hate the idea of divorce, and really hate what it does to children. However, I met their mother, fell for her, and I love being with them as well. I don't want to replace their father, and will never try to. They obviously love their dad, and I wouldn't want it any other way. On the flip side, one of them put on her Christmas wish list that her mother marry me, which was one of the greatest compliments I've ever had. Thanks to everyone for your input in this thread (except for those that suggested I was gay)! Wedge, I don't think I can compete with you, so I'll politely decline your challenge!
Link Posted: 10/27/2004 6:47:34 AM EST
I too, have walked down the path of dating a woman with a child. A 6 year old boy.

It was an interesting learning experience, made me a better person (I hope!).

The biggest challenge, for me, was that the youngling's father, a repeat customer with the Wisconsin criminal justice system, would be around just enough to cause damage.

No, please keep in mind, the former girlfriend was not a bad person, However, she, like so many others, would prefer to take the path of least resistance in parenting, presumably due to "stress".

I thoroughly enjoyed my relationship with young Vincent. We built model rockets, went hiking in the state forest (don't think the poor kid had ever been somewhere that he could not hear highway traffic.

Would I ever involve myself in a relationship with a woman with children again?

Well, that depends on HER!! I'm not dating her kids!

But, truth be told, everyone has to have parents.

I think the best thing that could happen is that the children and I were to develope a lasting respect for each other.
Link Posted: 10/28/2004 9:06:32 AM EST
SIIHPATPP. And then skip on along outta' there to a broad with a little less baggage and a little less history. My .02.
Link Posted: 10/28/2004 9:38:10 AM EST
Here is a very strange situation:
My friend starts to date a woman with two kids. He then calls his ex to babysit, so he can go out on a date with this single mom. No lie, it actually happened....more than once.
Link Posted: 10/28/2004 10:12:25 AM EST

Originally Posted By skpp108:
SIIHPATPP. And then skip on along outta' there to a broad with a little less baggage and a little less history. My .02.



Link Posted: 10/28/2004 11:08:25 AM EST

Originally Posted By SigZiggy:

Originally Posted By skpp108:
SIIHPATPP. And then skip on along outta' there to a broad with a little less baggage and a little less history. My .02.






Perhaps he forgot which forum this is. Ain't no pooper-stickin' here.
Link Posted: 10/28/2004 11:15:09 AM EST
[Last Edit: 10/28/2004 11:16:59 AM EST by SigZiggy]

Originally Posted By GabbasaurusRex:

Originally Posted By SigZiggy:

Originally Posted By skpp108:
SIIHPATPP. And then skip on along outta' there to a broad with a little less baggage and a little less history. My .02.






Perhaps he forgot which forum this is. Ain't no pooper-stickin' here.



This is almost to the rediculous point really. I kind of do wish there was some way to get the Women Shooters out of active topics if that's how they happen across the thread. I guess we just have to ignore it, but it sucks when a perfectly nice guy comes in here asking for some honest advice and the cornholes always chime in with their thoughtless comments and ruin the thread.

ETA: I am remarking on thoughtless comments only. The majority of the men who frequent here are GREAT. I wish there were more of you!
Link Posted: 10/28/2004 5:41:40 PM EST

Originally Posted By skpp108:
SIIHPATPP. And then skip on along outta' there to a broad with a little less baggage and a little less history. My .02.


Link Posted: 10/29/2004 4:46:04 PM EST

He's also asked them all kinds of questions about me that really don't sit well with me.


It should.

I started my current relationship in '00. I unknowingly set foot into the "Triple Goddess Household", Mother (30), Maiden (7) and Crone (60). The ex (the 7 year olds Dad) asked her plenty of questions about me. From his perspective, I'm the guy that's around HIS kid 12 days out of 14. That's pretty heavy for a Dad to take. I now have a 2 year old. I something were to happen between us now, you're damn straight I'd want to know ALLL about the guy that's near my kid.

The 7 year old is now 12, and I hope her Dad is comfortable with me. If he's not, I guess that's ok too, but I try to keep him in mind always. He's a stand up guy with good values, and I hope he thinks the same of me.

The 'problem times' are stuff like, Christmas. I don't want to 'out do' her Dad on gifts. I'd like to take her to the range soon, and get her started shooting, but there's no way I'll do it without having a good talk w/ him first. I go the parent-teacher conferences, I went to her JNHS indoc, I'm there every day, but I always have to remember that's she's got a Dad, am I'm not it.
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