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Posted: 2/1/2006 7:40:48 AM EDT
You all know that, in the life of internet forums, we run low on insults we can hurl at our fellow tin foil pals. So let's hear some really good insults that we can put on the list for future reference.

Please refrain from things like racial insults, etc. That is not what we are looking for. Neither are we looking for meanness, or real ill will. Insults will be judged on:

1) Originality
2) Good phrasing
3) Humor

Think Don Rickles, W.C. Fields, etc. Humor is the primary goal.

Here are a couple of old classics to get you started:

She entered an ugly contest but they threw her out because they didn't allow professionals.

She has a case of the terrible toos. Too old, too fat, too ugly.
Link Posted: 2/1/2006 7:42:19 AM EDT
You've never had sex with a woman who's last name wasn't .jpg.
Link Posted: 2/1/2006 7:45:42 AM EDT

Originally Posted By photokirk:
You've never had sex with a woman who's last name wasn't .jpg.



made me laugh
Link Posted: 2/1/2006 7:46:09 AM EDT
when having my 'manhood' challenged

OH YEAH!?!? WELL MY DICK'S SO BIG THAT ITS GOT IT'S OWN DICK AND MY DICK'S DICK IS BIGGER THAN YOUR DICK
Link Posted: 2/1/2006 7:46:57 AM EDT
The best insults are situational. You really need to be able to turn someone's own words or folly on them if you want to stick the knife in a give it a good twist.
Link Posted: 2/1/2006 7:47:49 AM EDT
Your mother!
Link Posted: 2/1/2006 7:47:59 AM EDT

Originally Posted By ShortMikeB:
when having my 'manhood' challenged

OH YEAH!?!? WELL MY DICK'S SO BIG THAT ITS GOT IT'S OWN DICK AND MY DICK'S DICK IS BIGGER THAN YOUR DICK



Link Posted: 2/1/2006 7:49:06 AM EDT
Yo mamma got a glass eye with a fish in it!!!

Yo mamma got a peg-leg with a kick stand!!!

Yo mamma so greasy she uses bacon as a bandaid!!!


Link Posted: 2/1/2006 7:52:08 AM EDT
You are like a stream of bats piss.
What!?
You shimmer like a shaft of gold when all around is dark.
Link Posted: 2/1/2006 7:52:52 AM EDT
In dealing with whiney people:

that's nice, why don't you put that in your blog at myspace so more of us can point and laugh at you
Link Posted: 2/1/2006 7:53:25 AM EDT
You're so dumb you have to copy your insults from an internet thread.
Link Posted: 2/1/2006 7:54:20 AM EDT

Originally Posted By ShortMikeB:
when having my 'manhood' challenged

OH YEAH!?!? WELL MY DICK'S SO BIG THAT ITS GOT IT'S OWN DICK AND MY DICK'S DICK IS BIGGER THAN YOUR DICK



My dick's so big it takes four fat women and a team of mules to jerk me off.
Link Posted: 2/1/2006 7:56:49 AM EDT

Originally Posted By photokirk:

Originally Posted By ShortMikeB:
when having my 'manhood' challenged

OH YEAH!?!? WELL MY DICK'S SO BIG THAT ITS GOT IT'S OWN DICK AND MY DICK'S DICK IS BIGGER THAN YOUR DICK



My dick's so big it takes four fat women and a team of mules to jerk me off.



dude, I can't. We will totally hijack this thread, and that's just not polite.

<­BR>


My dick's so big it violates several zoning ordinances and has a noise complaint
Link Posted: 2/1/2006 7:56:51 AM EDT
That is a nasty crack, speaking of nasty cracks how is your sister?
Link Posted: 2/1/2006 7:58:44 AM EDT
Yeah the only thing they can say about your dick, is it looks like a cock only smaller.
Link Posted: 2/1/2006 8:00:20 AM EDT
Some people are like slinkies; they're not good for much, but you'll always smile if someone pushes them down a flight of stairs.
Link Posted: 2/1/2006 8:01:50 AM EDT

Originally Posted By motown_steve:
The best insults are situational. You really need to be able to turn someone's own words or folly on them if you want to stick the knife in a give it a good twist.



Gotta agree... some of the craziest stuff comes out when someone cuts you off...

"May your girlfriend/wife cheat on you and give you a socially crippling, drippy venereal disease..."
Link Posted: 2/1/2006 8:03:32 AM EDT
Your face looks like 10 miles of tank trail.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

Are your parents siblings?

Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.

Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?

Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?

Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?

Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

Don't you need a license to be that ugly?

Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!

Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.

Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?

He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.

He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.

How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?

I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.

I bet your mother has a loud bark!

I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?

I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.

Link Posted: 2/1/2006 8:06:49 AM EDT

McUzi's flame of garandman years ago is still the best internet flame I have ever seen.

Link Posted: 2/1/2006 8:09:11 AM EDT
Just tell them this:
"It is better to be thought of as an idiot, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt!"
Link Posted: 2/1/2006 8:10:51 AM EDT

Originally Posted By DK-Prof:
McUzi's flame of garandman years ago is still the best internet flame I have ever seen.




Beat me to it.
Anything McUzi said.
Link Posted: 2/1/2006 8:12:32 AM EDT
tagged
Link Posted: 2/1/2006 8:17:05 AM EDT

Originally Posted By DK-Prof:
McUzi's flame of garandman years ago is still the best internet flame I have ever seen.




garandman said something that would cause him to get flamed!!?? When did this ever happen?

How about sharing some of the stuff you thought was good? You can remove the references to an individual name to make it generic for use later.
Link Posted: 2/1/2006 8:32:16 AM EDT
"you'll have sex with ANYthing on 4 legs!"

(have a buddy of mine who is super horny so we say he will hump anything with 2 or more legs.
Link Posted: 2/1/2006 9:43:01 AM EDT
One of my all time favorites that can be used in any social situation:

"I want to compliment you on your grasp of the obvious"

rj

Link Posted: 2/1/2006 9:52:44 AM EDT

Originally Posted By twonami:
You are like a stream of bats piss.
What!?
You shimmer like a shaft of gold when all around is dark.



An obscure quote to be sure, but you can't get it past me!!

From the Oscar Wilde sketch in MPFC. Also appears in a small number of their albumbs.

"Your Majesty is like a dose of clap! Before you arrive is pleasure, and after, a pain in the dong...."
Link Posted: 2/1/2006 9:54:04 AM EDT

Originally Posted By DK-Prof:
McUzi's flame of garandman years ago is still the best internet flame I have ever seen.




You can't say that and not provide an archive link!!!
Link Posted: 2/1/2006 9:54:28 AM EDT
The best part of you slid down the crack of your mommas ass.
Link Posted: 2/1/2006 9:55:24 AM EDT
You wouldn't know the truth if it walked up to you and kicked you in the teeth!
Link Posted: 2/1/2006 9:59:40 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 2/1/2006 10:11:01 AM EDT by Whitepitt]
You wouldn't turn any of it down, except the little neighbor boy, and you'd turn him face down.
Link Posted: 2/1/2006 10:02:11 AM EDT

Originally Posted By DK-Prof:
McUzi's flame of garandman years ago is still the best internet flame I have ever seen.




link?
Link Posted: 2/2/2006 3:58:57 AM EDT

Originally Posted By GTOJudge885:

Originally Posted By DK-Prof:
McUzi's flame of garandman years ago is still the best internet flame I have ever seen.




link?



Bumping for a link!!!
Link Posted: 2/2/2006 6:12:58 AM EDT
Link Posted: 2/2/2006 2:26:50 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 2/2/2006 2:28:38 PM EDT by shooter220]
From a highschool football coach:
1. If you had one more IQ point you would be the dumbest fucking PLANT on the earth.
2. Son, you were a waste of perfectly good sperm.

From an officer at USNA to a Mid:
1. I have flushed more water than you have sailed over, until you have more experience sailing than I do shitting we do things my way.

Those are the top three that occur to me.
ETA More:
You are so ugly your face would make a freight train take a dirt road

shooter
Link Posted: 2/2/2006 2:30:14 PM EDT
You are an idiot wrapped in a moron.

(My kid's favorite)
Link Posted: 2/2/2006 2:32:33 PM EDT

Originally Posted By John_Wayne777:

Originally Posted By GTOJudge885:

Originally Posted By DK-Prof:
McUzi's flame of garandman years ago is still the best internet flame I have ever seen.




link?



Bumping for a link!!!



Sorry

I have the text of it somewhere, but I am hesitant to post it since garandman obviously is stilla current posting member, and it seems inappropriate to post something really insulting to him - especialyl without his permission.
Link Posted: 2/2/2006 2:38:35 PM EDT
2 of my favorite replies to dumbassisms-

"I could eat a box of AlphaBits and crap a better idea than that."

"You seem pretty bright until you open your mouth. But then that's just because light travels faster than sound."
Link Posted: 2/2/2006 2:47:19 PM EDT
If I wanted lip from you I would've unzipped my pants!
Link Posted: 2/2/2006 2:50:06 PM EDT
if they put your brain in a bird it would fly backwards.
Link Posted: 2/2/2006 2:55:32 PM EDT
SirDrinksALot's "cock gnome" is my current favorite to throw out there. Always gets a reaction.

The other day I told a guy he was one dick in the cornhole short of being a complete faggot. He didn't like that.
Link Posted: 2/2/2006 3:04:42 PM EDT
This thread brings back so many fond memories of Basic.

You can call anyone "Brain" or "Skippy" and get your point across.



-K
Link Posted: 2/2/2006 3:07:52 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 2/2/2006 3:08:31 PM EDT by stangleonthedangle]
The ocean called the're runnin out of shrimp!!

The jerk-store called, the're runnin out of you!!
Link Posted: 2/2/2006 3:10:00 PM EDT
Supposedly said by John Randolph of Roanoke in reference to John C. Calhoun:

Like a rotten mackerel by moonlight, he both shines and stinks.


I quoted that one in an appellate brief.
Link Posted: 2/2/2006 3:14:18 PM EDT
From Ferris Bulers day off:
Waiter: "Thank you for being so understanding"
Ferris: "It's understanding that allows people such as us to tolerate a person such as yourself."
Link Posted: 2/2/2006 3:20:56 PM EDT
Nice one, Einstein. So how long have you been in the Tard Carnival?
Link Posted: 2/2/2006 3:23:11 PM EDT
She is so ugly, it looks like her face caught fire and someone tried to put it out with an ice pick.

Oh yeah.................

My dicks so big it has its own investors.
Link Posted: 2/2/2006 3:38:20 PM EDT
"Well"

"Deep Subject"

"For a shallow mind"
Link Posted: 2/2/2006 3:50:41 PM EDT

Originally Posted By NavajoGunOwner:
"Well"

"Deep Subject"

"For a shallow mind"



My grandmother (b.1916) said that every time I said "Well. . . ," from the time I was about 5 till the day she died.
Link Posted: 2/2/2006 3:56:12 PM EDT
Did your parent's have any children that lived?

Link Posted: 2/2/2006 3:57:24 PM EDT
If I wanted any crap out of you, I'd ask you to squeeze your head.
Link Posted: 2/2/2006 4:49:15 PM EDT
You looked like a retard at a spelling bee.

Your mothers got more clap than an auditorium.
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