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Posted: 10/3/2005 5:39:02 PM EDT
[#1]
I had an old man describe my sister's teeth to me like this.
With them teeth of hers, I bet she could eat corn on the cob through a picket fence.  That was about the funniest shit I ever heard. My sis didn't find it amusing. She has zero sense of humor. HS1 |
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Posted: 10/3/2005 5:45:03 PM EDT
[#2]
I am an old man and you morons are too easily amused.
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Posted: 10/3/2005 5:51:19 PM EDT
[#3]
A while back somebody posted that when they found a revolver next to the toilet and asked grandpa about it, he replied: "They ain't takin' me on the shitter." |
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Posted: 10/3/2005 5:51:41 PM EDT
[#4]
Hell I'm 53 and he called me boy! |
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Posted: 10/3/2005 5:59:11 PM EDT
[#5]
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Posted: 10/3/2005 6:05:36 PM EDT
[#6]
"It's raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock."
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Posted: 10/3/2005 6:10:38 PM EDT
[#7]
+1
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Posted: 10/3/2005 6:16:11 PM EDT
[#8]
I was roofing my sisters house in Culver City when an old sixty year old man from next door climbed up the ladder to see if I was doing it right!!!
I asked him how he was so spry at his age,he said I don't drink essevely ,I don't smoke,and he pointed over his shoulder and said I don't get on that Galdarn freeway!!!!!!!!! Bob 
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Posted: 10/3/2005 6:25:07 PM EDT
[#9]
I love old people and their sayings. On hot days, my grandmother used to say, "Wheew, I'm sweating like a going to election!" I still laugh about that one despite its (or because of) it's un-PCness.
As kids my brother and I tried to explain to her that black people were just like us, but our lessons never took. Go figure. Other sayings you don't hear anymore: About promiscuous males: "He'd fuck a snake if someone held the head for him." Keep 'em comin! |
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Posted: 10/3/2005 6:26:13 PM EDT
[#10]
Old guy told me one - "When you get to be my age you can't push a boat with a rope".
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Posted: 10/3/2005 6:32:00 PM EDT
[#11]
I started out with the goal of recording every colloquialism from Dukes of Hazzard. I lost interest about the 4th episode. Here's what I got anyway.
1st Season Bo, you drive like my fanny whips apple butter. Shoot fire and save box matches! You ain’t got the sense the Good Lord promised a turkey! He’s so crooked he makes you look straight! He’s rough as a mouthful of bark, when he’s riled. If women was birds, you’d probably date a buzzard! That’d be like trying to reverse a buzz saw. Faster than you could skin a rabbit… If you ain’t here inside 5 minutes, you’ll be the night rent-a-cop at the drive in deli on frontage road. If you wonder why the boy’s eyes are bugged like a pop-eyed mule… They’re hotter than a pair of blue tick hounds on their first hunt. Bet that put a kink in his plow line. Keep your gown down and the pedal to the metal. Stickin’ out like a bourbon bottle at a country revival. Ever have one of them days when you couldn’t hit the ground with your hat? If this don’t tear the feathers out of a duck… You got the IQ of a turnip - a small one! He’d be about as helpful as a flea in a hound’s ear. She’s slipperier than a water snake in a grease pit. You took a correspondence course in brains, and actually passed. If you caught the golden goose, you’d boil it for breakfast. Lipstick’s just like track dirt: washes right off. Great Gobs of Galloping Goose Grease -Rosco Buzzard on a Buzz saw -Cletus Possum on a gumbush -Enos The booty’s in the bag The plan’s ticking like a railroad watch (aka: badly!) I’ll be all over you like a chicken on a June bug. Wait just a purple pea pickin’ minute! Ain’t seen you in a hound’s/coon’s age! Where in thunderation are ya? I feel like a cow chip in a wind tunnel. There’s the little fat meadow muffin. Like a hungry Boll Weevil in a bale of cotton Insult: No self respecting fruit fly would attack a body like that. |
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Posted: 10/3/2005 6:33:47 PM EDT
[#12]
My dearly departed Father's favorite saying about things that are difficult to do. "That's tougher than trying to shove spaghetti up a wildcat's ass!"
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Posted: 10/3/2005 6:38:49 PM EDT
[#13]
lol! wow. |
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Posted: 10/3/2005 6:40:53 PM EDT
[#14]
Used to be on a bowling team with an old guy. When he was speaking about a woman on one of the other teams: "We had a name for a woman like that in my day, TABLEGRADE".
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Posted: 10/3/2005 6:52:07 PM EDT
[#15]
My dad has a million of 'em. I keep saying I am gonna make a book one day.
Some of my favorites: "I may be too old to cut the mustard, but I can still lick the hell out of the jar". "A good piece of ass, and a cold drink of water would kill you graveyard dead". "That truck couldn't pull a greased string through a sick cat's ass". "Use your head for something besides a hat rack". "It's hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock". "It's hotter than the hinges to hell". "Hurry up! Grandma was slow, but she was old"! "That girl made my dick harder than the times of '29". Come to think of it , when Dad is not giving me grief, he sure talks about sex a lot.  |
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Posted: 10/3/2005 7:02:44 PM EDT
[#16]
quit being so grumpy grandpa 
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Posted: 10/3/2005 7:07:07 PM EDT
[#17]
My dear ol' Mom's description of bad weather:
"Good lord, it's rainin' like piss out of a boot!" |
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Posted: 10/3/2005 7:12:41 PM EDT
[#18]
"it rained so hard , it was like a cow pissin' on a flat rock"
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Posted: 10/3/2005 7:12:53 PM EDT
[#19]
I heard somewhere "it's raining harder than a double c***'d cow peeing on a flat rock". |
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Posted: 10/3/2005 7:40:11 PM EDT
[#20]
It's dryer than a popcorn fart.
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Posted: 10/3/2005 7:53:28 PM EDT
[#21]
Before he took a drink of anything alcoholic (which was rare), Grandpa would always say....
If I had a cow that gave such milk, I'd dress her in the finest silk, I'd feed her the best of hay, and milk her 40 times a day. It cracked me up when I was 14, and still makes me think of him. |
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Posted: 10/3/2005 8:11:29 PM EDT
[#22]
And old guy "gramps" used to say this about kids:
"For the first few years of their lives you teach them to walk and talk, then for the rest of their lives your telling them to sit down and shut up.." |
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Posted: 10/3/2005 8:18:08 PM EDT
[#23]
Tag....great thread.
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Posted: 10/3/2005 8:25:12 PM EDT
[#24]
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Posted: 10/3/2005 8:25:59 PM EDT
[#25]
A few from the old folks in My lifetime......
Talking about having "Relations" with a inexperienced girl : "It's like trying to thread a needle with a rope!" My Grandma on Us trying to help her walk or get seated : "I Brought it, I'll Park it!" My Grandma as a greeting : "How are ya,... besides what ails ya!?" My Friend's Grandpa(kinda' My 3rd Grandpa) on good looking women : "She makes My D*ck harder than Chinese arithmetic!" There are so many that I'd be here all day.... Tall Shadow  |
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Posted: 10/3/2005 8:30:39 PM EDT
[#26]
Slicker n' owl shit on a glass doorknob!
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Posted: 10/3/2005 8:40:30 PM EDT
[#27]
Don't piss down my back and tell me it's raining.
He's busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kickin' contest. It's like a sore peter, you can't beat it. |
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Posted: 10/3/2005 8:40:30 PM EDT
[#28]
So hungry I'm fartin dust.
So hungry my belly button's rubbin a blister on my back-bone. Bleedin like a stuck hog. If you're waiting on me, your backing up. Got a dollar waiting on a dime here, let's go. On the subject of "if": If "if" was a fifth, we'ld all be drunk. If "if" was a skiff, we'ld all sail away. If a buzzard had a jukebox up his ass, there'ld be music in the sky. If ifs and buts was candy and nuts, we'ld all have a merry Christmas. If Grandma had balls, she'ld be Grandpa |
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Posted: 10/3/2005 8:47:46 PM EDT
[#29]
Smokey Yunick's book has a lot of them.
My favorite: "He couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the directions were wrote on the heel" |
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Posted: 10/3/2005 8:59:12 PM EDT
[#30]
Doing remodeling with my brother-in-law (he's the handyman). So I say, OK, what do we do now?
Says he, "You're fuckin this cat, I'm just holding the tail".  One from Mom- "he's so cheap, he could squeeze a nickel till the indian rides the buffalo". |
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Posted: 10/3/2005 9:06:11 PM EDT
[#31]
Hornier than a 2 peckered billygoat
Shinier than a diamond in a goats ass |
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Posted: 10/3/2005 9:07:21 PM EDT
[#32]
On smething hard:
..like picking ant crap out of pepper. On something impossible: ...like a cat trying to bury crap on a marble floor. |
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Posted: 10/3/2005 10:14:15 PM EDT
[#33]
My brother and his second wife used that one so much they eventually cut it down to "Your cat".
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Posted: 10/4/2005 2:12:31 AM EDT
[#34]
I remember an army buddy once said "If you stuck his brain up a fleas ass, it'd rattle around like a bb in a barrel"
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Posted: 10/4/2005 2:38:32 AM EDT
[#35]
Pardon one good one from the French ... Campagnalo never made bicycle frames; just (at one time) the very very best components you could bolt onto a bike frame, and thus on the very best bikes; a good frame & 100% Campy components, so ... to refer to an extremely well put-together woman ... (forgive my spelling) "Elle est tout Campagnalo!" or she is ALL Campagnalo
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Posted: 10/4/2005 5:20:17 AM EDT
[#36]
I stopped by my 93 year old uncle's house one time and he was sitting on his porch. I asked him how he managed to stay alive so long. He held up the beer he was drinking and said.
"What lasts longer, a pickle or a cucumber?" |
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Posted: 10/4/2005 5:41:11 AM EDT
[#37]
I remember my grandad usin' these quite a bit (and now I find myself using them).
"You get around like a cow on crutches" "She looks like the last rose of summer" (about someone in a hurry) "He's got that cow-huntin' walk" "He ain't got the good sense God gave a piss ant" (about riding rank or green horses) "When the storm starts, have more common sense than pride and claw leather for all your worth." "She's prettier than a set of matched mules" I sure miss him  |
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Posted: 10/4/2005 10:08:35 AM EDT
[#38]
Showing surprise or disbelief: "Well f*uck me runnin' !!"
Admiring a well built chasis  : "She could make a puppy dog pull a freight train."Describing an OLD horse: "That horse is old enough to vote." Being happy: "I'm as happy as a gopher in soft dirt." |
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Posted: 10/4/2005 10:21:17 AM EDT
[#39]
Had an old guy tell me once (before viagra) that when it came to being intimate with his younger wife... "Son, I've been F#@$ing my wife with a limp di@$ so long that I could play pool with a piece of rope" |
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Posted: 10/4/2005 10:40:12 AM EDT
[#40]
its hotter than two rats fuckin in a wool sock
its colder than a witches titties in a brass bra its colder than a well diggers ass : i used to live in mn  couldn't hit the broad side of the barn with a shit shovel stinkier than a set of goat nuts if wishes were horses beggars would ride |
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Posted: 10/4/2005 11:04:55 AM EDT
[#41]
If its hot outside,
"Its hotter than a fresh fu**ed fox in a forest fire." When you drink a good drink, "Its like angels pissing on my tounge." And one of my favorites, "You drive like old people screw, sloppy." tinstar |
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Posted: 10/4/2005 11:09:52 AM EDT
[#42]
fixed it |
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Posted: 10/4/2005 11:17:49 AM EDT
[#43]
"Does a fat baby fart"
"Does a bear shit in the woods" During the 80's according to my granddad the source of all problems "It's those damn Japs fault" |
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Posted: 10/4/2005 11:17:52 AM EDT
[#44]
"In 100 years and a good fire, no one is gonna give a shit"
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Posted: 10/4/2005 11:37:24 AM EDT
[#45]
Old time cable splicer was asked how the repair progress of a large cable cut was going....
"Well, we're spinnin' our wheels but at least we're doing it in 4th gear" |
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Posted: 10/4/2005 11:52:55 AM EDT
[#46]
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Posted: 10/4/2005 11:58:10 AM EDT
[#47]
On exasperation with excuses: "If wishes and buts were candy and nuts, we'd all have a merry christmas!"
You figure it out... "I'd jump on that like a monkey on a cupcake!"On the spouse during that "time": "She's a tin bit#h on wheels!" gotta love the old-timers! |
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Posted: 10/4/2005 1:14:23 PM EDT
[#48]
On watching a good looking woman walk away; "Looks like two bulldogs fighting in a gunny sack."
Worthless as tits on a boar hog. Like trying to stuff a marshmallow up a wild cat's ass. She would make you so hard it would givea bulldog lockjaw just from sniffing of it. So hard a cat couldn't scratch it. Harder than a russian roll call. Like finding a diamond in a goat's ass. All hat, no cattle. |
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Posted: 10/4/2005 1:49:02 PM EDT
[#49]
time to shit or get of the pot
nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs busier than a 3 legged cat in a sandbox |
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Posted: 10/4/2005 1:56:35 PM EDT
[#50]
Wish in one hand and shit in the other, see which gets full quicker.
Older guy at work while discussing a new Temp. that is nobody really likes "he's 80 grit" |
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