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Posted: 10/3/2005 5:35:18 PM EDT
Link Posted: 10/3/2005 5:39:02 PM EDT
I had an old man describe my sister's teeth to me like this.

With them teeth of hers, I bet she could eat corn on the cob through a picket fence.



That was about the funniest shit I ever heard. My sis didn't find it amusing. She has zero sense of humor.

HS1
Link Posted: 10/3/2005 5:45:03 PM EDT
I am an old man and you morons are too easily amused.
Link Posted: 10/3/2005 5:51:19 PM EDT

A while back somebody posted that when they found a revolver next to the toilet and asked grandpa about it, he replied:


"They ain't takin' me on the shitter."

Link Posted: 10/3/2005 5:51:41 PM EDT
Link Posted: 10/3/2005 5:59:11 PM EDT

Originally Posted By AvengeR15:
A while back somebody posted that when they found a revolver next to the toilet and asked grandpa about it, he replied:


"They ain't takin' me on the shitter."



Link Posted: 10/3/2005 6:05:36 PM EDT
"It's raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock."
Link Posted: 10/3/2005 6:10:38 PM EDT

Originally Posted By GabbasaurusRex:

Originally Posted By AvengeR15:
A while back somebody posted that when they found a revolver next to the toilet and asked grandpa about it, he replied:


"They ain't takin' me on the shitter."








+1
Link Posted: 10/3/2005 6:16:11 PM EDT
I was roofing my sisters house in Culver City when an old sixty year old man from next door climbed up the ladder to see if I was doing it right!!!

I asked him how he was so spry at his age,he said I don't drink essevely ,I don't smoke,and he pointed over his shoulder and said I don't get on that Galdarn freeway!!!!!!!!!


Bob
Link Posted: 10/3/2005 6:25:07 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 10/3/2005 6:42:22 PM EDT by tc6969]
I love old people and their sayings. On hot days, my grandmother used to say, "Wheew, I'm sweating like a going to election!" I still laugh about that one despite its (or because of) it's un-PCness.

As kids my brother and I tried to explain to her that black people were just like us, but our lessons never took. Go figure.

Other sayings you don't hear anymore:

About promiscuous males: "He'd fuck a snake if someone held the head for him."

Keep 'em comin!
Link Posted: 10/3/2005 6:26:13 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 10/3/2005 6:28:15 PM EDT by skich]
Link Posted: 10/3/2005 6:32:00 PM EDT
Link Posted: 10/3/2005 6:33:47 PM EDT
My dearly departed Father's favorite saying about things that are difficult to do. "That's tougher than trying to shove spaghetti up a wildcat's ass!"
Link Posted: 10/3/2005 6:38:49 PM EDT

Originally Posted By AvengeR15:
A while back somebody posted that when they found a revolver next to the toilet and asked grandpa about it, he replied:


"They ain't takin' me on the shitter."




lol! wow.
Link Posted: 10/3/2005 6:40:53 PM EDT
Used to be on a bowling team with an old guy. When he was speaking about a woman on one of the other teams: "We had a name for a woman like that in my day, TABLEGRADE".
Link Posted: 10/3/2005 6:52:07 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 10/3/2005 6:53:06 PM EDT by HermanSnerd]
My dad has a million of 'em. I keep saying I am gonna make a book one day.

Some of my favorites:

"I may be too old to cut the mustard, but I can still lick the hell out of the jar".

"A good piece of ass, and a cold drink of water would kill you graveyard dead".

"That truck couldn't pull a greased string through a sick cat's ass".

"Use your head for something besides a hat rack".

"It's hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock".

"It's hotter than the hinges to hell".

"Hurry up! Grandma was slow, but she was old"!

"That girl made my dick harder than the times of '29".

Come to think of it , when Dad is not giving me grief, he sure talks about sex a lot.

Link Posted: 10/3/2005 7:02:44 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Pangea:
I am an old man and you morons are too easily amused.



quit being so grumpy grandpa
Link Posted: 10/3/2005 7:07:07 PM EDT
My dear ol' Mom's description of bad weather:

"Good lord, it's rainin' like piss out of a boot!"
Link Posted: 10/3/2005 7:12:41 PM EDT
"it rained so hard , it was like a cow pissin' on a flat rock"
Link Posted: 10/3/2005 7:12:53 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Ranxerox911:
My dear ol' Mom's description of bad weather:

"Good lord, it's rainin' like piss out of a boot!"



I heard somewhere "it's raining harder than a double c***'d cow peeing on a flat rock".
Link Posted: 10/3/2005 7:40:11 PM EDT
It's dryer than a popcorn fart.
Link Posted: 10/3/2005 7:53:28 PM EDT
Before he took a drink of anything alcoholic (which was rare), Grandpa would always say....

If I had a cow that gave such milk,
I'd dress her in the finest silk,
I'd feed her the best of hay,
and milk her 40 times a day.

It cracked me up when I was 14, and still makes me think of him.
Link Posted: 10/3/2005 8:11:29 PM EDT
And old guy "gramps" used to say this about kids:

"For the first few years of their lives you teach them to walk and talk, then for the rest of their lives your telling them to sit down and shut up.."
Link Posted: 10/3/2005 8:18:08 PM EDT
Link Posted: 10/3/2005 8:25:12 PM EDT
Link Posted: 10/3/2005 8:25:59 PM EDT
A few from the old folks in My lifetime......

Talking about having "Relations" with a inexperienced girl : "It's like trying to thread a needle with a rope!"

My Grandma on Us trying to help her walk or get seated : "I Brought it, I'll Park it!"
My Grandma as a greeting : "How are ya,... besides what ails ya!?"

My Friend's Grandpa(kinda' My 3rd Grandpa) on good looking women : "She makes My D*ck harder than Chinese arithmetic!"

There are so many that I'd be here all day....

Tall Shadow
Link Posted: 10/3/2005 8:30:39 PM EDT
Slicker n' owl shit on a glass doorknob!
Link Posted: 10/3/2005 8:40:30 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 10/3/2005 8:41:08 PM EDT by COLE-CARBINE]
Don't piss down my back and tell me it's raining.

He's busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kickin' contest.

It's like a sore peter, you can't beat it.
Link Posted: 10/3/2005 8:40:30 PM EDT
So hungry I'm fartin dust.
So hungry my belly button's rubbin a blister on my back-bone.
Bleedin like a stuck hog.
If you're waiting on me, your backing up.
Got a dollar waiting on a dime here, let's go.

On the subject of "if":
If "if" was a fifth, we'ld all be drunk.
If "if" was a skiff, we'ld all sail away.
If a buzzard had a jukebox up his ass, there'ld be music in the sky.
If ifs and buts was candy and nuts, we'ld all have a merry Christmas.
If Grandma had balls, she'ld be Grandpa
Link Posted: 10/3/2005 8:47:46 PM EDT
Smokey Yunick's book has a lot of them.

My favorite: "He couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the directions were wrote on the heel"
Link Posted: 10/3/2005 8:59:12 PM EDT
Doing remodeling with my brother-in-law (he's the handyman). So I say, OK, what do we do now?

Says he, "You're fuckin this cat, I'm just holding the tail".


One from Mom- "he's so cheap, he could squeeze a nickel till the indian rides the buffalo".
Link Posted: 10/3/2005 9:06:11 PM EDT
Hornier than a 2 peckered billygoat

Shinier than a diamond in a goats ass
Link Posted: 10/3/2005 9:07:21 PM EDT
On smething hard:

..like picking ant crap out of pepper.


On something impossible:

...like a cat trying to bury crap on a marble floor.
Link Posted: 10/3/2005 10:14:15 PM EDT

Originally Posted By TheHappyBlaster:
"You're fuckin this cat, I'm just holding the tail".



My brother and his second wife used that one so much they eventually cut it down to "Your cat".
Link Posted: 10/4/2005 2:12:31 AM EDT
I remember an army buddy once said "If you stuck his brain up a fleas ass, it'd rattle around like a bb in a barrel"
Link Posted: 10/4/2005 2:38:32 AM EDT
Pardon one good one from the French ... Campagnalo never made bicycle frames; just (at one time) the very very best components you could bolt onto a bike frame, and thus on the very best bikes; a good frame & 100% Campy components, so ... to refer to an extremely well put-together woman ... (forgive my spelling) "Elle est tout Campagnalo!" or she is ALL Campagnalo
Link Posted: 10/4/2005 5:20:17 AM EDT
I stopped by my 93 year old uncle's house one time and he was sitting on his porch. I asked him how he managed to stay alive so long. He held up the beer he was drinking and said.

"What lasts longer, a pickle or a cucumber?"
Link Posted: 10/4/2005 5:41:11 AM EDT
I remember my grandad usin' these quite a bit (and now I find myself using them).

"You get around like a cow on crutches"

"She looks like the last rose of summer"

(about someone in a hurry) "He's got that cow-huntin' walk"

"He ain't got the good sense God gave a piss ant"

(about riding rank or green horses) "When the storm starts, have more common sense than pride and claw leather for all your worth."

"She's prettier than a set of matched mules"


I sure miss him
Link Posted: 10/4/2005 10:08:35 AM EDT
Showing surprise or disbelief: "Well f*uck me runnin' !!"

Admiring a well built chasis : "She could make a puppy dog pull a freight train."

Describing an OLD horse: "That horse is old enough to vote."

Being happy: "I'm as happy as a gopher in soft dirt."


Link Posted: 10/4/2005 10:21:17 AM EDT

Originally Posted By skich:
Old guy told me one - "When you get to be my age you can't push a boat with a rope".




Had an old guy tell me once (before viagra) that when it came to being intimate with his younger wife... "Son, I've been F#@$ing my wife with a limp di@$ so long that I could play pool with a piece of rope"


Link Posted: 10/4/2005 10:40:12 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 10/4/2005 10:42:55 AM EDT by treemydawg]
its hotter than two rats fuckin in a wool sock

its colder than a witches titties in a brass bra

its colder than a well diggers ass : i used to live in mn

couldn't hit the broad side of the barn with a shit shovel

stinkier than a set of goat nuts

if wishes were horses beggars would ride



Link Posted: 10/4/2005 11:04:55 AM EDT
If its hot outside,

"Its hotter than a fresh fu**ed fox in a forest fire."

When you drink a good drink,

"Its like angels pissing on my tounge."

And one of my favorites,

"You drive like old people screw, sloppy."

tinstar
Link Posted: 10/4/2005 11:09:52 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 10/4/2005 11:10:31 AM EDT by AdamTheFarmer]

Originally Posted By thebrain:
"It's raining like a double cunted cow pissing on a flat rock."



fixed it
Link Posted: 10/4/2005 11:17:49 AM EDT
"Does a fat baby fart"
"Does a bear shit in the woods"

During the 80's according to my granddad the source of all problems "It's those damn Japs fault"
Link Posted: 10/4/2005 11:17:52 AM EDT
"In 100 years and a good fire, no one is gonna give a shit"
Link Posted: 10/4/2005 11:37:24 AM EDT
Old time cable splicer was asked how the repair progress of a large cable cut was going....

"Well, we're spinnin' our wheels but at least we're doing it in 4th gear"

Link Posted: 10/4/2005 11:52:55 AM EDT

Originally Posted By COLE-CARBINE:
Don't piss down my back and tell me it's raining.

He's busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kickin' contest.

It's like a sore peter, you can't beat it.

he's busier then a dog with 2 dicks.
Link Posted: 10/4/2005 11:58:10 AM EDT
On exasperation with excuses: "If wishes and buts were candy and nuts, we'd all have a merry christmas!"

You figure it out... "I'd jump on that like a monkey on a cupcake!"


On the spouse during that "time": "She's a tin bit#h on wheels!"

gotta love the old-timers!
Link Posted: 10/4/2005 1:14:23 PM EDT
On watching a good looking woman walk away; "Looks like two bulldogs fighting in a gunny sack."
Worthless as tits on a boar hog.
Like trying to stuff a marshmallow up a wild cat's ass.
She would make you so hard it would givea bulldog lockjaw just from sniffing of it.
So hard a cat couldn't scratch it.
Harder than a russian roll call.
Like finding a diamond in a goat's ass.
All hat, no cattle.
Link Posted: 10/4/2005 1:49:02 PM EDT
time to shit or get of the pot

nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs

busier than a 3 legged cat in a sandbox
Link Posted: 10/4/2005 1:56:35 PM EDT
Wish in one hand and shit in the other, see which gets full quicker.

Older guy at work while discussing a new Temp. that is nobody really likes "he's 80 grit"
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