Cool Story Bro-time. Drunk tries to force his way into our house past my wife.

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[ARCHIVED THREAD] - Cool Story Bro-time. Drunk tries to force his way into our house past my wife. (Page 1 of 2)

Posted: 6/21/2011 11:44:45 AM EDT

MS-Paint included.

tl/dr bullet points:

- Get home late, just before 9:00.

- I bend over to check the pool pipes and junk, can't hear shit.

- Drunk comes in my gated back yard, I don't see him.

- Tries to push his way into my house past Mrs. Dual accusing our (imaginary) 17 year old son of stealing his beer.

- Mrs. Dual flips her wig.

- I call 911.

- I yell STFU at Mrs. Dual to break contact.

- I follow him two blocks through alleys and houses, giving location reports to 911 until the PD lights him up.

- Mrs. Dual drives up in the van with kids to the scene to yell and cry some more.

- AAR: It's all my fault, I do not consider her feelings in an emergency.

Last Thursday evening, around 20:45, we'd just gotten home from dropping off our dog at family friends who were going to watch her while we were out of town over the past weekend. We'd just herded our two sets of twin girls, ages five and six, from our backyard gate by the garage, over the patio and into the house and Mrs. Dual followed them. Mrs. Dual complained she thought the pool filter was full/clogged, so I went to the corner between the house and our vinyl pool, where the pump/filter is, right next to our AC condenser with it's fan going full blast. So I'm functionally deaf here.

I hear Mrs. Dual shouting from inside the house, I think it's no biggie as the girls are notoriously bad about bedtime, and the outnumber us, so it usually takes some screaming in Cas Del Dual to get anything accomplished.

I eventually look up to see a strange man, late 40's-mid-50's standing at my back door, he'd come in through our obviously very private back gate, tucked between the driveway and garage. And was looking at/talking to my wife. At first I thought it was some unknown neigbor with a "did you lose your dog/your car's dome light is on" or similar question or warning, until I hear him open his mouth, to realize he's almost falling down drunk, and my wife is yelling at him.

So I give him my best baritone "CAN I HELP YOU?" which was heavily laced with who are you/what are you doing/why are you going to make me kick your ass? etc.

Slurred, he gets out "Yerr seventeen year old kid sthole mah beer!"

Mrs. Dual is screaming at him some more, "WHAT? We don't have any old kids! Get out of my house? What are you doing?" etc.

Frankly, I'm not super proud of her, because in a crunch, Mrs. Dual's default reaction in any kind of emergency is to swing between abject tearful terror, and a mix of ghetto-mama rage, and "Boo Got Shot" in about a 2.5 second cycle. I can't completely fault her, having some strange drunk try to push his way into the house when you can't see/find your husband is distressing. However, it's just not what you want to see from your middle class college educated Republican voting wife in a crisis...

Screaming hollering and sputtering is what "those people" on the various reality cop-shows are supposed to do, not us.

She sees he has car keys in his hands, and then goes into Mothers Against Drunk Driving mode, and screams some more. "Where are you going? Do you have a car? Give me those keys!" He states he is not drunk, and recites the alphabet at Mrs. Dual to prove it, skipping the whole "HIJKLMNOPQRS" part in the middle in the process.

(sigh)

I'm actually kind of surprised at how calm I am feeling in all of this, worrying about what Mrs. Dual will do/say next than I am about my drunk intruder is probably helping. The drunk seems docile and not likely to cause trouble. However, I'm thinking somewhere in the back of my mind you don't count on that, he could go rage-zombie at any second etc. And they probably teach cops stuff like that too.

So while dialing 911, waiting for Milwaukee Co. dispatch (picked up on three rings... some sort of record!) then asking for a transfer to my local burb's PD (WTF Sprint, 2011 and STILL no E-911 in the Milwaukee metro?

) I state I have a drunk intruder who tried to force his way into my home, and I need a squad car.

He sees I'm on the phone, and his three non alcohol poisoned neurons twitch a bit, and put it together that he might want to be leaving now. He drunkenly fumbles with our back fence gate, and I yell to him, "turn it like a doorknob", and he successfully stumbles out into our one-car driveway, and against our Honda Odyssey of failed male dreams, and down to the sidewalk. I'm not going to invade his space, and I'm keeping an eye on Mrs. Dual because the idea he might suddenly turn dangerous is not going to penetrate her estro-rage/adrenaline-terror storm.

I'm happier now, feeling that I've fulfilled my primary mission goals.

- Get drunken intruder out of my very confined back yard.

- Get drunken intruder away from my wife.

- Get drunken intruder away from my house with my children in it.

Mrs. Dual has to go follow him some for some more yelling, and screw up priority #2. I get between them and order her into the house, repeatedly, which has the effect of getting her angrier at me than the drunk, but fortunately she complies.

I follow Mr. Drunk down the street with a safe 3 house gap between us, keeping 911 appraised of his movements. At the corner, he realizes he's being tailed, and dodges down an alley, then cuts up a yard, back to the numbered north-south street he'd been walking on. At this point, the first PD squad car drives past him, then does a Y-turn when I point him out, and lights him up.

Four squads in total respond. And 911 asks me for the street address we're in front of, and then hangs up. I wait patiently while the police gently nudge him over onto the ground, and question him.

Mrs. Dual rolls up in the van of failed male dreams with my four kids inside, and gets out for more crying/yelling. (facepalm) The PD does their best to calm her down, while I wisely keep thoughts of how she probably ought to be wearing a spaghetti strap tank-top two sizes too small, no bra, and maybe a do-rag on her head to complete the whole ensemble, to myself.

The senior officer on the scene asks us, already knowing the answer, if we have a 17 year old son who's stolen the man's beer. My wife hits the van remote to set off the interior lights so he can see our two sets of twin daughters, ages five and six... The officer laughs, and says the one with the curly hair looks suspicious, and I agree. However, none of them match the drunk's description of his beer thief.

They take him away to the drunk tank or whatever it is they do to be charged with public intoxication, disorderly conduct, trespass, and attempted forced entry.

We drive the kids home, and put them to bed.

Mrs. Dual and I have a long oh so interesting conversation about how I was not considerate of her feelings during an emergency.

Posted: 6/21/2011 11:47:37 AM EDT

[#1]

You get exceptionally high marks for the MS Paint.

Posted: 6/21/2011 11:50:22 AM EDT

[#2]

get a taller fence

Posted: 6/21/2011 11:51:44 AM EDT

[#3]

Quoted:

Mrs. Dual and I have a long oh so interesting conversation about how I was not considerate of her feelings during an emergency.

I hope you're kidding? Or is this about her being STUPID? If so, bravo.

Posted: 6/21/2011 11:53:05 AM EDT

[#4]

I am impressed....your story grabbed me until the anti-climatic ending....glad no one was shot...

Posted: 6/21/2011 11:54:32 AM EDT

[#5]

Sorry about the whole thing. I was extremely distressed when I woke up outside of your fence and my beer was gone. Tell the wife I said hi.

Posted: 6/21/2011 11:54:35 AM EDT

[#6]

That minivan is awesome. Awesome enough for post 1001

Posted: 6/21/2011 11:54:35 AM EDT

[#7]

Lol @ teh minivan.

Women sure are neat.

Posted: 6/21/2011 11:54:43 AM EDT

[#8]

Quoted:

get a taller fence

It's 6' high, double clapboard, as high as city zoning allows.

Didn't lock the gate because we were going to be loading the car for our trip leaving the next morning, in a few minutes.

Oh, and as best I can tell, if the "17 year old kid who stoles mah beer!" is real, it means some kid saw him lugging a 12 or 24 pack home from one of the convenience stores a few blocks over, offered to carry it for the drunk, and once he had it in his hands, just ran off with it.

I am from wayyyy too suburban and whitebread "good-kid" upbringing to have ever considered offering to carry a drunks beer when I was a teenager.

Originally Posted By metalsaber

Quoted:

Mrs. Dual and I have a long oh so interesting conversation about how I was not considerate of her feelings during an emergency.

I hope you're kidding? Or is this about her being STUPID? If so, bravo.

Yeah...

She knows she was in the wrong, and is prone to panic when SHTF, but is way too stubborn to ever admit it.

She should have just slammed the door, called 911 etc. Instead decided to argue with the guy. She feels like it was "minutes and minutes" before I showed up, but in reality it was like 5 seconds into her adrenaline-dump, from what I was doing at the pool pump to stand up and turn around and walk the 8' over to see WTF was going on.

Posted: 6/21/2011 11:55:39 AM EDT

[#9]

Be happy someone even answered 911. I live in West Allis and just have the non-emergency number saved in my phone due to Milwaukee County dispatch not answering on several occasions. Glad everything turned out ok for you. I also could not help but notice that you seem to have left out the part where you picked up your favorite defense weapon. Maybe I just missed it.

Posted: 6/21/2011 11:55:46 AM EDT

[#10]

There you were, minding your own business, getting the latest "honey-do" done when the world turns to shit...
And in the end it's all your fault! Funny how that happens isn't it?

I think you done good. Most of GD would claim that they would have splattered his brains all over the side of the house with their plasma rifle in the 40 watt range.

Bravo sir, well done.

Posted: 6/21/2011 11:56:27 AM EDT

[#11]

Nice paint.

I would get the same crap from my wife. I mentally run the scenario daily, including response to the inevitable bs like you describe.

Posted: 6/21/2011 11:57:27 AM EDT

[#12]

Honda Odyssey of failed male dreams

Posted: 6/21/2011 11:57:40 AM EDT

[#13]

Quoted:

Mrs. Dual and I have a long oh so interesting conversation about how I was not considerate of her feelings during an emergency.

I hope you're kidding? Or is this about her being STUPID? If so, bravo.

This. She needlessly endangered herself. What the fuck would she be feeling if she left your four kids without a mother.

Your MS-Paint is superb. One of the best I've ever seen.

Posted: 6/21/2011 11:58:07 AM EDT

[#14]

Dude, how long did it take you to type that up and put together (including MS Paint)? I've read police reports of violent crimes that were not that detailed.

Posted: 6/21/2011 11:58:37 AM EDT

[#15]

Honda Odyssey of failed male dreams

dude you are whipped

Posted: 6/21/2011 11:59:00 AM EDT

[#16]

FAIL.

You didn't blade or draw down.

Posted: 6/21/2011 11:59:24 AM EDT

[#17]

Excellent AAR.

Posted: 6/21/2011 12:00:29 PM EDT

[#18]

Wait wait wait...

Lets get something straight...

Where are the pics of the wife?

Posted: 6/21/2011 12:01:08 PM EDT

[#19]

So when do y'all cheese heads get to start carrying concealed?

Posted: 6/21/2011 12:01:35 PM EDT

[#20]

I had to wonder at the 6" privacy fence in your MS Paint.

Exhibitionists!

Posted: 6/21/2011 12:02:34 PM EDT

[#21]

I'm surprised that the part where you saw a drunk trying to get into your house didn't end much more violently.

Posted: 6/21/2011 12:03:18 PM EDT

[#22]

Quoted:

Be happy someone even answered 911. I live in West Allis and just have the non-emergency number saved in my phone due to Milwaukee County dispatch not answering on several occasions. Glad everything turned out ok for you. I also could not help but notice that you seem to have left out the part where you picked up your favorite defense weapon. Maybe I just missed it.

Hey! Fellow Dirty-Stallisinian here!

Yeah, I know, I had to call 911 for a daylight beat-down on my street about three years ago (near McCarty Park) and Milwaukee Co. 911 rang about 20 times...

I've no clue as to why there's no E-911 in Milwaukee.

I had the number in my old phone, but hadn't gotten around to putting it in the new one yet.

Posted: 6/21/2011 12:03:57 PM EDT

[#23]

Quoted:

- AAR: It's all my fault, I do not consider her feelings in an emergency.

Heh.

Posted: 6/21/2011 12:06:28 PM EDT

[#24]

Quoted:

Excellent AAR.

Indeed!

Posted: 6/21/2011 12:07:38 PM EDT

[#25]

I hereby nominate this thread for best AAR of June, 2011.

ETA: Sorry to hear about your atrophied manhood, and I wish you the best of luck in your upcoming mid-life crisis.

Posted: 6/21/2011 12:07:53 PM EDT

[#26]

Quoted:

So when do y'all cheese heads get to start carrying concealed?

It's getting passed in our Assembly today in fact.

Oh, and "How do you feel about the new Concealed Carry law we're going to get NOW?" was one of the things I asked her after it was all over.

She was not amused.

Posted: 6/21/2011 12:08:54 PM EDT

[#27]

Would have been more exicitin' had you strangled the drunk in the pool. Just sayin'.

Posted: 6/21/2011 12:08:59 PM EDT

[#28]

You sir are a saint.

But the woman, needs to know when to get in the house and shut the fuck up.

You work on your consideration of her feelings and she can work on staying with the kids and shutting her fucking pie hole in cases of danger.

sheeeeeeeeeeesh man.

Oh, and your MSPaint skillz FTW...

-V

Posted: 6/21/2011 12:09:06 PM EDT

[#29]

Quoted:

Honda Odyssey of failed male dreams

dude you are whipped

He has a wife who panics and does the opposite of the right thing in an emergency and two sets of twin girls a year apart. What do you expect?

Posted: 6/21/2011 12:09:14 PM EDT

[#30]

Excellent post, and superb MS Paint.

Cool Story Bro!

Posted: 6/21/2011 12:10:30 PM EDT

[#31]

Quoted:

Mrs. Dual and I have a long oh so interesting conversation about how I was not considerate of her feelings during an emergency.

PRICELESS!!!

Posted: 6/21/2011 12:12:42 PM EDT

[#32]

All this is well and good, but you do realize that there may be a 17-year-old beer thief AT LARGE in your neighborhood?

Lockdown the Beer PRONTO.

Posted: 6/21/2011 12:12:51 PM EDT

[#33]

2 sets of twin girls ????..pluse the wife......man....good luck with that..

Posted: 6/21/2011 12:13:16 PM EDT

[#34]

I want to like your wife. I really do. But you don't make it easy.

Posted: 6/21/2011 12:13:35 PM EDT

[#35]

In all honesty if you had ninja'd up out of the pool pump area and put the guy in a merciless full nelson, stretched him out and dumped him with no mercy on your front lawn, then told your wife to call the cops she probably wouldn't have lost it like that. It would've been enthusiastic BJ time instead of a "you're inconsiderate" speech. It's that whole protector instinct thing.

Posted: 6/21/2011 12:13:37 PM EDT

[#36]

Dude you sound like a miserable SOB

Posted: 6/21/2011 12:14:56 PM EDT

[#37]

Your ms paint wins ...... but have to take points do to lack of pic of the wife.

Posted: 6/21/2011 12:15:18 PM EDT

[#38]

feelings have no place in an emergency.

Posted: 6/21/2011 12:16:33 PM EDT

[#39]

Quoted:
Dude you sound like a miserable SOB

Just wait until his daughters hit puberty and he has five synchronized periods in the house at once.

I'm not kidding, I would just stay in a hotel for that week.

Posted: 6/21/2011 12:17:32 PM EDT

[#40]

Quoted:
I hereby nominate this thread for best AAR of June, 2011.

ETA: Sorry to hear about your atrophied manhood, and I wish you the best of luck in your upcoming mid-life crisis.

I'll second that.

Posted: 6/21/2011 12:19:31 PM EDT

[#41]

ROTFLMAO at "mini van of silent despair and unfulfilled male dreams".

Posted: 6/21/2011 12:20:35 PM EDT

[#42]

That some fucking sweet MSPaint.

Posted: 6/21/2011 12:21:01 PM EDT

[#43]

Need new wife unit.

Posted: 6/21/2011 12:21:58 PM EDT

[#44]

Quoted:

Your ms paint wins ...... but have to take points do to lack of pic of the wife.

Nobody here wants the pics. Trust me.

Posted: 6/21/2011 12:22:13 PM EDT

[#45]

I enjoyed this much more than Swan Lake at the Met earlier this year. Bravo.

Oh I have a skrapizashi I am dying to try out, next time see if you can keep the drunk penned up in that pool area and give me a buzz.

Posted: 6/21/2011 12:23:41 PM EDT

[#46]

Mrs. Dual needs to read this post and responses until she realizes that her going inside the house, locking the door, and staying there while you take care of what you need to do outside was the only rational and sane thing for her to do. Leaving the house with the kids (!) in tow to go yell at a potentially dangerous drunk was incredibly short sighted to say the least.

Posted: 6/21/2011 12:24:33 PM EDT

[#47]

Quoted:

2 sets of twin girls ????..pluse the wife......man....good luck with that..

Yep, poor bastard. And he's going on vacation with them all.

Posted: 6/21/2011 12:25:09 PM EDT

[#48]

Your wife is full of herp.

A little derp too.

Posted: 6/21/2011 12:25:44 PM EDT

[#49]

Quoted:

Quoted:

Dude you sound like a miserable SOB

Just wait until his daughters hit puberty and he has five synchronized periods in the house at once.

I'm not kidding, I would just stay in a hotel for that week.

I am tall enough to urinate in the basement laundry sink, and I drop my deuces at work. There's clean laundry down there, the old microwave we never get around to getting rid of, and food in the freezers too. I'll do okay.

The main thing with all these girls is I'm going to have to go to the farmer's market buy a bale of cotton once a month and a big spool of twine and put them all on the "roll your own"-plan when puberty comes.

Either that, or there'll be no money for college.

Posted: 6/21/2011 12:25:47 PM EDT

[#50]

Quoted:

get a taller fence

[ARCHIVED THREAD] - Cool Story Bro-time. Drunk tries to force his way into our house past my wife. (Page 1 of 2)

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