1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not
walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk
beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken
fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going
to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to
do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't
getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you
can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone
else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try
missing a couple of car payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile
in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them,
you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for
you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach
him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink
beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person
again, it was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember
anything.

15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the
windshield.

16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot
of that comes from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it
in half and put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and
a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when
your lips are moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just
after you need it.

24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped
on our ass ... then things get worse .

The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not
laughed