Children Books that will never be published


"You Were an Accident"



"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"


"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"


"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"


"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"


"Why can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Socket be friends?"


"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"



"Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"


"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"


"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"


"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"


"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"


"How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School"


"Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear"

That's hillarious!!  Seriously though, where can I get a copy of "Contrilling the Playground: Respect Through Fear"?[BD]

and what about "Jokes for kids?"

q: why did the little girl fall out of the swing?
a: becouse she didnt have arms.

q: why was the boy sad?
a: his dad died.

q: why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
a: he was dead.

that last one makes you wonder what type of sick SOB would put a dead monkey up a tree. thanks
DB

Apparently that monkey, in fact, died of S.M.T.D.S.(Sudden Monkey Tree Death Syndrom)

Therefore it would not be necessary to place said monkey in said tree after its death. It could have been yet another victim of the nemesis of all primates, S.M.T.D.S.

However, there IS another posiblity.
A new product called "The Monkeypoult", short for monkey catapoult, has been sweeping the nation. This device of amusement is used to launch monkeys great distances, for obvious reasons. The dead tree monkey in question could have simply been launched, and happened to end up in the same tree your joke is about.

I hope this helps.

The complete monkey joke:

Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

A: Because he was dead.

Q: Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

A: Monkey see, monkey do.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

while we're on a humor thread I may as well post this well link it this'd get me booted for sure.

140 sick one liners, WARNING cripple,sexist,racial,dead baby,antichrist,battered woman,bestiality,princess di humor contained inside. Some of you would complain to those, JUST DON"T OPEN THE FRIGGIN THING, most will find them hilarious but some are just stupid.

[url]http://militanthippy.merseine.nu/sick.txt[/url]

Hey Raven,
Deep Thoughts By Jack Handy

How about my favorite childrens book, "Curious George and the High Voltage Fence"

Very good, Chazz.

[b]The Day the Dopes Came Over[/b]

I was sitting at home, peeking through the blinds at my neighbor's wife, minding my own business, when my doorbell rang.
"Who's there?" I shouted.
"We don't know," came the reply.
I immediately knew the dopes had come over.
I opened the door and invited them in. I was happy to have company even if they were a bunch of dopes.
"Well, what brings you over this way?" I queried.
"Yup."
"Yup."
"Yup."
"Yup." they said.
"Would you like some coffee?" I asked.
"Gol," said one dope, "how long have we been here?"
"About two minutes."
"Gol, we should have left hours ago!" And they packed up some of my things and lumbered out.
"Goodbye Dopes!" I shouted.
They turned to me and shouted back, "Goodbye, you big fuckin 'idiot!"

Hey, better not make fun of Garfield.

[img]www.netlaughter.com/images/catpaw.jpg[/img]

Deep thoughts by Jack Handy. SNL

You forgot...
"Curious George receives Chemo", and everybody's favorite classic "Yes, the divorce was because they didn't love you".

**WARNING*** Disturbing, possibly personally offensive jokes below.  I am not responsible for flaming, please use discretion.

#1 - Boy:  Daddy, why are you buying me so many presents?
   Dad:  Because you have cancer, son.

#2 - Why can't Jesus eat M&M's?  They keep falling through the holes in his hands.


...told you I wasn't responsible, you have been warned.

Jewbroni~

Another Jack Handy, if I can remember it right:

Child: "Daddy, why does it rain"
Father: "Uh, well because God is crying"
Child: "Why is God crying?"
Father: "Hell I don't know, probably because of something you did"