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11/24/2017 4:44:23 PM
11/22/2017 10:05:29 PM
Posted: 10/5/2004 10:03:16 AM EST
[Last Edit: 10/5/2004 10:52:28 AM EST by BenDover]
After a lengthy discussion with the Mrs. last night, she sparked my quest for more self-awareness through deep introspection.

During our commute home yesterday, I started spouting off some comedic shit that had her laughing away. When she caught her breath, she asked me where in the hell my perverted sense of humor came from.

I'll be damned if, for once, I didn't have an answer for her.

I mean, it really doesn't make sense. I was raised in a rather devout Christian, conservative Republican home. For Chrissakes, my mom was too squeamish to use even PG-13 slang terms for anatomy around us kids growing up, so I got made fun of on the school bus for calling titties, mammary glands.

So, not liking the gaping black hole of the unknown hanging once again over my psyche, I set out on a 24 hour quest for the answer to the question:

Where did I get my twisted, sick, demented, perverse sense of humor?

Well, today at lunch, the office gang decided to go to Jersey Mike's for greasy Philly steaks. If you've ever been to a Jersey Mike's (at least, in my area), then you know that they have televisions mounted up in the corners of the dining area, each blaring away. Today, instead of Communist News Network, they actually were playing some network soaps. After gazing at one screen for a few moments during a scene laden with gregarious sexual overtones between a couple of hot, young chicky snack Hollywood wannabes, one of my co-workers proclaimed, "I wish soap operas were just rated X pornos so they could get it on while we watched."

Without even thinking about my response, out comes, "Yeah, but after working in front of pornos all afternoon, we'd have to wait for the sandwich guy to finish ramming the cashier in the ass with a log of pickle loaf before they could take our order."

Guffaws and chuckles.... yaddie yaddie normal response to my stupid shit.... but then....

...it hit me....

I knew the answer to the mystery.

Somewhere buried in the murky psychological swirl of my wife's inquiry, my wretched sense of humor, a conversation about pornos, and the sandwich boy ramming the cashier in the ass with a log of pickle loaf -- it all came clear.

My disgusting sense of humor is courtesy of Larry Flynt.

Yes, fellow ARFCOM Brothers & Chicky Snacks, you have been subjected to things like the infamous avatar of my own rectum because of Larry Flynt's undue influence upon me at a young age. A very young age.

My WWII Pacific Theater Vet grandfather was quite a hellraiser, but my grandmother was a super strict Church Lady. Even with my grandmother's influence, Gramps managed to hide some things from the woman. Grampa always had his den in the basement, where he had his Archie Bunker chair, big color TV, and cigar stand ash tray. He kept a separate refrigerator stocked with Pabst Blue Ribbon, and when I was about 8 years old, I discovered his deepest secret -- his stash of porn mags.

PAYDIRT!

Gramps had a pile of pornos like nobody's business. It was fantastic!! Even though these things were from the early to mid 70s, when porno sluts had carpet from their knees to their navals, I found my manhood through this trove of carnal delight. OUI, High Society, Penthouse, and most of all.... HUSTLER!!!

Through the years, Grampa always worked double shifts, so when I visited, the empty basement became my private paradise of lustful pleasure.

In those private moments, locked away in my personal S&M dungeon, I learned about fucking, sucking, and how to whack off like a pro. I fucked everything in sight. Couch cushions, cups, vacuum cleaners, eyeglasses cases, you name it. I fucked it. It became my bitch. See, I wasn't screwing the eyeglasses case... I was banging away on some trollop's fur-covered crease like a champ. I fucked every one of those women until they couldn't walk. They were my harem. My ho's. My bitches. I was their lord and master.

In between banging the porno mag sluts, I read every word in that stack of magazines over and over and over. Penthouse Letters... Girl Next Door.... I learned how to eat pie and screw like a master.

But most of all... there were the cartoons. The comics.... the sex-ridden blasphemy that only HUSTLER cartoons could perpetrate. Those comics were the funniest things that I had ever read. Burned into my psyche, I remember them to this very day.... the cowboy getting a medical exam with his balls protruding midwaist with the doctor proclaiming, "Your rodeo days are over..."

The doctors surrounding the charred, smoking outline of a human remains with a futuristic-looking LASER ABORTION UNIT pointing to where the crotch used to be with the doctor proclaiming, "I think you had it turned up too high..."

So.... there you have it.

I owe my sickness to Larry Flynt and I have the answer for my wife while saving myself $40,000 in counselling fees in the process.

Link Posted: 10/5/2004 10:04:27 AM EST
[Last Edit: 10/5/2004 10:15:55 AM EST by Zaphod]

Originally Posted By BenDover:


Where did I get my twisted, sick, demented, perverse sense of humor?




From your avatar?
Link Posted: 10/5/2004 10:09:34 AM EST
Link Posted: 10/5/2004 10:10:15 AM EST

In those private moments, locked away in my personal S&M dungeon, I learned about fucking, sucking, and how to whack off like a pro. I fucked everything in sight. Couch cushions, cups, vacuum cleaners, eyeglasses cases, you name it. I fucked it. It became my bitch. See, I wasn't screwing the eyeglasses case... I was banging away on some trollop's fur-covered crease like a champ. I fucked every one of those women until they couldn't walk. They were my harem. My ho's. My bitches. I was their lord and master.


MMMMMMkay....
Link Posted: 10/5/2004 10:10:52 AM EST
Dude,

You still need help, trust me.

Link Posted: 10/5/2004 10:11:30 AM EST
[Last Edit: 10/5/2004 10:28:00 AM EST by BenDover]
Okay... so there's a little extreme embellishment for storytelling purposes.... Which parts... are left to the reader.
Link Posted: 10/5/2004 11:44:47 AM EST
Soo..

You're saying you're the spawn of Chester the Molester?
Link Posted: 10/5/2004 11:54:13 AM EST
Link Posted: 10/5/2004 11:57:56 AM EST
sooo... what you are saying is that you took it in the shitter and are now going to post pics?
Link Posted: 10/5/2004 11:58:02 AM EST
Thanks for sharing that.
You are a sick bastard.
I bet you liked "Portnoy's Complaint", didn't you?
Link Posted: 10/5/2004 12:02:13 PM EST

Originally Posted By BenDover:

I owe my sickness to Larry Flynt and I have the answer for my wife while saving myself $40,000 in counselling fees in the process.





I told you that 3 years ago.

please make your $40,000 CASHIERS check payable to "garandman"

No that I doubt your personal check would be good.



Link Posted: 10/5/2004 12:05:54 PM EST
No... I never took it in the pooper... well there was the tongue depressor incident, affectionately called "Cheeky Pops"... but that involved my wife.

Then there was the barium enema....

And yes, I liked Portnoy's Complaint. Philip Roth one of the greatest writers of the 20th century. He's witty and wicked, with a twist of Lenny Bruce sarcasm tossed in for good measure.

Link Posted: 10/5/2004 12:19:36 PM EST

Originally Posted By byron2112:
Soo..

You're saying you're the spawn of Chester the Molester?



That's the Reader's Digest Condensed Version. Yes.
Link Posted: 10/5/2004 1:01:08 PM EST
That is some funny shit.

It never occurred to me, that some of my sick humor comes from exactly that, porn at a young age. A older neighbor girl (my baby sitter when I was young and she was a hottie) and I would act out what we found in porn mags.

I got busted with her bra in my pants at the old age of eight.....
Link Posted: 10/5/2004 1:10:56 PM EST


DAMNIT MAN, STOP!!! I FELL OFF MY CHAIR BECAUSE I WAS LAUGHING SO HARD!!!

I NOMINATE THIS AS THE BEST THREAD EVER
Link Posted: 10/5/2004 1:13:40 PM EST
Are you having your midlife crisis or something like that? You going to go buy a red sportscar now? It's one thing to come to terms with your inner self and the things in your past that make you the person you are today. It's another thing to tell people with the longest memory in the world about it.

Beware! You will rue this day!
Link Posted: 10/5/2004 1:15:03 PM EST
Link Posted: 10/5/2004 1:26:09 PM EST
Imagine how screwed up my psyche is: the first porn mag I found with a friend at the age of 9 was a she-male spread.

Link Posted: 10/5/2004 1:33:01 PM EST
WOW that is deep were do I send the counselling check.
Link Posted: 10/5/2004 1:50:55 PM EST
[Last Edit: 10/5/2004 1:51:44 PM EST by BenDover]

Originally Posted By Pangea:
Are you having your midlife crisis or something like that? You going to go buy a red sportscar now? It's one thing to come to terms with your inner self and the things in your past that make you the person you are today. It's another thing to tell people with the longest memory in the world about it.

Beware! You will rue this day!



Naah... no midlife crisis. Just always on the journey to come to a better understanding of myself as a person.

I'm pretty happy with who I am as a person, so there's no qualms about any of it.

Hell... Goatboy and the NY crew got the Cheeky Pop's story in person at Bulletfest last year.
Link Posted: 10/5/2004 2:17:12 PM EST

Originally Posted By BenDover:

W­ell, today at lunch, the office gang decided to go to Jersey Mike's for greasy Philly steaks.




[RANT]THERE'S NO GODDAMN WAY YOU GOT A PHILLY CHEESE STEAK IN OHIO! THE ONLY WAY TO GET A PHILLY CHEESE STEAK IS TO GO TO PHILLY AND GET ONE!!! ALL OTHERS ARE INFERIOR KNOCK-OFFS!!!!!!![/RANT]
Link Posted: 10/5/2004 2:54:32 PM EST
Don't be hatin'
Link Posted: 10/5/2004 2:56:17 PM EST
Larry Flynt,Chester the Molester and Dewayne Tinsley definitely pushed the limits when I saw my first Hustler WTF I had my first George Carlin album in Jr. Hi followed by Pryor etc.....some folks need to shit out that Bowling Ball riding in there lower intestine..........
Link Posted: 10/5/2004 3:12:00 PM EST
Link Posted: 10/5/2004 3:28:03 PM EST

Originally Posted By BenDover:
Couch cushions, cups, vacuum cleaners, eyeglasses cases, you name it. I fucked it.



[GrandMa] Ben, have you seen my eyeglasses case? [/GrandMa]

Link Posted: 10/5/2004 6:20:41 PM EST

Originally Posted By BenDover:
Don't be hatin'



aaight dawg. We chill. Iss all good in da hood.
Link Posted: 10/5/2004 6:38:34 PM EST
You've got issues dude.

Seriously.
Link Posted: 10/6/2004 5:30:22 AM EST
Yes, as we all do.

But at least I am confronting them and coming to a better understanding of myself as a person, which is more than I can say about 99.9999% of the unwashed masses.

You can't be honest with others until you are honest with yourself.
Link Posted: 10/6/2004 5:47:47 AM EST
You need to send that to Larry Flynt, he'll be proud.

Link Posted: 10/6/2004 5:52:58 AM EST

Originally Posted By JarheadChiro:
You need to send that to Larry Flynt, he'll be proud.




+1

I know they would publish it! Hell, I'm still laughing about it
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