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Posted: 9/26/2004 4:41:29 PM EST
[Last Edit: 9/26/2004 7:08:55 PM EST by gvidon212]
To those who have been through it before, I am wondering how you all get over the past and stop holding on to someone that was really important. I would not normally ask something like this here as I am kind of a private person. But it has been just under two months now since I broke up with my girlfriend of almost three years, also my first love, and I am having a really hard time getting her out of my head and accepting a future without her. We were extremely close with marriage being a possibility though in the end the break up was mutual and I believe right. Being so I thought this would be easy. I generally work stuff out in my head. But this has humbled me instead.

I would appreciate hearing things other than buck up and forget about her. I say it enough to myself throughout the day. Also, I am not interested in just going out and getting laid as has been suggested. I don’t think it will help and it is not my style.

I am just interested to hear from those who have been through it before.

Thanks for the help.


***edited to add, in response to "call her and see if she feels the same"

She called tonight. A surprise and part of the reason I posted this. I sent her a bracelet that I gave her one year for her birthday that was in my possession when we broke up. The clasp needed to be fixed and I thought it right to honor that even though we were done. I sent it to her last week along with a CD that I had also intended to get before we broke up. She called pretty much just to say that, while she really appreciated receiving those things, she was concerned that I was not moving on and making things harder on both of us. She seemed totally over us, referring to our break up as having happened a while back. So, does she have the same feelings now? No. She is living life and apparently having fun. Oddly, the roles where switched about 1 month ago with her calling wondering what happened and upset on the phone.

I guess she is right and sending those things was just a sure way to make this harder.

Thanks all for the input. I think that maybe I just need to fill my time with things to keep me totally busy and distracted.
Link Posted: 9/26/2004 4:44:18 PM EST
Call her and see if she feels the same way as you.
Link Posted: 9/26/2004 4:45:25 PM EST
Keep your chin-up and be a good Man.



Better times are coming...... You'll be fine.


Link Posted: 9/26/2004 4:45:39 PM EST
I've never been thru something like, but remember, "faint heart wins no fair maiden." Good luck!
Link Posted: 9/26/2004 4:47:21 PM EST
You don't have to neccasarily go out and get laid, you just need to go out there and do something to keep you busy. Focus having fun now and eventually you'll be so caught up in everything going on around you thinking about your ex will be long gone.
Link Posted: 9/26/2004 4:47:51 PM EST
You absolutely need to go out on some dates to find out what you really want. I am not talking sex but you need to go out and not think about it too much or you will go postal.
Link Posted: 9/26/2004 4:48:14 PM EST

Yes, it takes a really long time to get over a woman you once considered a keeper.

It is possible of course that the two of you are reconcilable. I don't know your situation, but maybe the two of you needed to be apart for a while, to make you realize how much you need each other.

Link Posted: 9/26/2004 4:48:38 PM EST

Also, I am not interested in just going out and getting laid as has been suggested. I don’t think it will help and it is not my style.


May not be your style, but it will help. May sound simple but it really does help.
Change of scenery is the only thing that is going to get the ex off you mind.
Just make sure you dont waste a lot of time trying to "replace" what you lost...just move on.

Allow yourself a few weeks to get drunk and get past it....then get out and live.
Everyone has been through this...and they will all say the same thing.....screw someone new.
Its not just guy talk....it really will help. If everyone is saying it, there is probably at least some element of truth to it.

So, to review....get drunk...get pissed off.....get over it....then meaningless sex for about 6 months with various chicks. Problem solved..or your money back.

Link Posted: 9/26/2004 4:49:31 PM EST

Originally Posted By W-W:
Call her and see if she feels the same way as you.




++++++++++++++1
Link Posted: 9/26/2004 4:50:04 PM EST
What you need is a distraction. Join a gym and work out near the cardio class. What ever you do, DO NOT go out with any of them. Gym rats are notoriously psychotic. This is just for eye candy.
Link Posted: 9/26/2004 4:50:10 PM EST
why did you drop her in the first place?
Link Posted: 9/26/2004 4:51:47 PM EST

Originally Posted By macro:

Also, I am not interested in just going out and getting laid as has been suggested. I don’t think it will help and it is not my style.


May not be your style, but it will help. May sound simple but it really does help.
Change of scenery is the only thing that is going to get the ex off you mind.
Just make sure you dont waste a lot of time trying to "replace" what you lost...just move on.

Allow yourself a few weeks to get drunk and get past it....then get out and live.
Everyone has been through this...and they will all say the same thing.....screw someone new.
Its not just guy talk....it really will help. If everyone is saying it, there is probably at least some element of truth to it.

So, to review....get drunk...get pissed off.....get over it....then meaningless sex for about 6 months with various chicks. Problem solved..or your money back.





also good advice
Link Posted: 9/26/2004 4:53:16 PM EST

Originally Posted By Mmanwitgun:
You don't have to neccasarily go out and get laid, you just need to go out there and do something to keep you busy. Focus having fun now and eventually you'll be so caught up in everything going on around you thinking about your ex will be long gone.



Focus on something positive.

How about organizing or working on a food and clothing drive for people in FL?

How about going to the local VA hospital and reading to or helping out some crippled vets?

Believe me, these people need your help, BAD, and have problems that will make you forget your own.

Do something.

Something good.
Link Posted: 9/26/2004 4:55:29 PM EST
EVERYONE here has been through it before
Thats the best advice I can give you
Now buck up, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE HOUSE, buy a boat, start rock climbing, skydiving lessons ,hunting ,fishing, hotrod, weightlifting.
And think of her for the last 5 min. before you fall asleep.

worked for me
Link Posted: 9/26/2004 5:00:29 PM EST

Originally Posted By Vinnie:
What you need is a distraction. Join a gym and work out near the cardio class. What ever you do, DO NOT go out with any of them. Gym rats are notoriously psychotic. This is just for eye candy.



Damn good advice. Work out....go for long runs. The endorphins will counteract all the depressive neurotransmitters in your brain making you blue. And DO NOT maintain or re-initiate contact. Just prolongs the pain. Clean breaks are best in the long run.

Personal anecdote......I faced a similar situation, and just a year or two later found a total hottie who I totally fell in love with and married....and she's almost as big a gun nut as I am! Buck up cowboy, there's plenty of fish in the sea, and a lot of them are HOT. You won't even remember what your ex's face looks like in a few months.


Just my .02.

Link Posted: 9/26/2004 5:04:45 PM EST
Are you over 21?
If so, go to your biggest horn-dog friend and say "Find me a slut", tell him you have $100 to spend on alcohol at the bar to accomplish your goal and your normal perferences (6'2", 295lbs, bald, no teeth, whatever).

Getting under a woman is the best way to get over a woman.

Kharn
Link Posted: 9/26/2004 5:07:55 PM EST

Originally Posted By giacutter:

Originally Posted By Vinnie:
What you need is a distraction. Join a gym and work out near the cardio class. What ever you do, DO NOT go out with any of them. Gym rats are notoriously psychotic. This is just for eye candy.



Damn good advice. Work out....go for long runs. The endorphins will counteract all the depressive neurotransmitters in your brain making you blue. And DO NOT maintain or re-initiate contact. Just prolongs the pain. Clean breaks are best in the long run.

Personal anecdote......I faced a similar situation, and just a year or two later found a total hottie who I totally fell in love with and married....and she's almost as big a gun nut as I am! Buck up cowboy, there's plenty of fish in the sea, and a lot of them are HOT. You won't even remember what your ex's face looks like in a few months.


Just my .02.




That made me smile. There have been thoughts floating around in my head wondering if the doubts I had which pretty much lead to the break were foolsih and killed the best relationship I will ever have. It is hard to know there are other fish in the sea when you have spent most of your dating life with only one.

Ah, and the exercise. I bought a bike and started riding when we broke up. I go now between 10 and 20 miles a day and think that I would have lost it by now if I had not. Maybe I am doing some things right.
Link Posted: 9/26/2004 5:08:31 PM EST
Link Posted: 9/26/2004 5:14:20 PM EST
[Last Edit: 9/26/2004 5:15:52 PM EST by 1SS_LAH]
I got my ass handed to me last November. I was totally depressed. I joined the gym..lost 20 pounds and then gained back 15 in muscle. Over time I forgot about her. Nowadays bitches walk up to me in the bar and hand me their phone numbers. This is a good time for you to get in extreme shape. Take the opportunity to make yourself look like a greek god while getting over her. There are millions of fish in the sea. If it didn't work out it wasn't suppoed too. Focus. Don't waste one second on anything in your life that is negative. Only keep the positive. You will survive and be a stronger man in the end on top of being in kick ass shape. Another benefit of a breakup you can take advantage of is the anxiety you probably feel. You probably have a loss of appetite too. I turned these things into an advantage while I worked out. I lived off of protein shakes and creatine. It kept my mind off of her. The guy above you suggested running with mention of the endorphine rush is dead on right! Endorphines are like ectasy man....get out there.

One more thing: www.doclove.com This stuff works like a charm. They never knew what hit them.
Link Posted: 9/26/2004 5:15:31 PM EST
Unfortunately, the only way to get over it is to live well. Now's the time to find a new hobby. Go try intramural sports, join the gym, hit the rifle range. Anything to keep you occupied.


Pack up all of her stuff, and anything that would remind you of her. Mail it back. Worked for me last year.
Link Posted: 9/26/2004 5:18:28 PM EST
Just me, but I say get out and do something that brings you pleasure. Try not to expose yourself to the things the two of you once did together. Either sharpen an old activity or embrace a new one. When you either begin to succeed at something new or improve on something you've done before, it will boost your confidence and self-image. With that confidence restored, you have an open mind and can attain perspective on the past and enthusiasm for the future. Try to find something challenging and rewarding at the same time. It's not alwawys easy, but try to keep faith that love will find you. It's rarely the other way around.
Good luck, man.
Link Posted: 9/26/2004 5:20:55 PM EST
[Last Edit: 9/26/2004 5:22:48 PM EST by AeroE]
Been there. Get with your buddies, go on the prowl, and have fun without getting too serious about anyone you meet. Try to meet as many new women as you can. Go fishing, biking, and so on. This healing you need takes time, but you ain't gonna die, even though you will likely feel that way at times.

The hardest part is admitting to yourself that it's over, and from the sounds of your post, she's got a new guy. Well, she lost, you won, and the new guy is SOL. If you have any of her stuff left, give it back or pitch it now so you won't have a half baked excuse to contact her again. When the times comes and she shows up for sex (and it will happen), toss her out and press on.
Link Posted: 9/26/2004 5:21:11 PM EST
The only thing that will reduce the hurt is time. It will take a some time. If she is not interested in you, it will never work. You can't force it. Allow yourself some time to grieve, but don't spend too long doing that. Life will pass you by, and you will be depressed. The rest of your life is up to you, decide what you want and work towards it. Things will improve, if you let them. It's up to you...
Link Posted: 9/26/2004 5:29:01 PM EST
It will get better but it takes time. It might even take a year but in the meantime take good care of yourself (eat, sleep, exercise, etc.) and don't do anything crazy.

GunLvr
Link Posted: 9/26/2004 5:32:54 PM EST
Everyone's different gvidon', you'll have to find what works best for you to move on.

It "May" be that getting involved with someone else helps you OR, you may have absolutely NO interest in meeting anyone because you're still holding on to a sense of "Loyalty" to a relationship that's over (Some guys do).

As some other guys have said though bud' keep in mind that EVERYONE goes through this at some point and it always hurts.

Keep this in mind too. There's a wonderful, attractive, sweet young Lady out there ready to fall head over heels in love with you that you haven't even met yet. She started walking toward you the second your old relationship ended. If you're lucky (And sometimes we are), she won't make you wait long before she shows up.

Be strong buddy.
Link Posted: 9/26/2004 5:36:32 PM EST
Lots of beer and then a trip to the strip club.
Link Posted: 9/26/2004 5:37:11 PM EST
Go to the range, load up a mag, empty mag, repeat.

Losing a broad can be a real bummer . . . but your AR will help you get through it. That's what it's there for.
Link Posted: 9/26/2004 5:40:44 PM EST
Start working on yourself. I started working out, lifting weights, running, eating right, starting MAKING myself happy. Funny thing, over time, I really was getting happier. Dated a few chicks after my divorce, meaningless sex, got that out of my system and hooked up with a beautiful woman that just flat out fuckin' rocks.

I had lots of help from friends, family, and some folks on this board. Breaking up (or a divorce in my case) hurts, but we learn and eventually move on. I still am bummed out about my divorce, but it has made me a lot better person, much better Dad to my girls.......I needed it.

Anyway...........work on yourself and the babes will be knockin' on your door. It worked for me, no reason it won't work for you. Hang tough my friend, we're here for ya'.

vmax84
Link Posted: 9/26/2004 5:56:55 PM EST
First, give it time. I think about 2 months AB (after breakup) was when I hit my personal low.

12/98 Your post could have been written by me, word for word. I remember being shocked that I could even have such strong feelings, because I had never experienced real loss before.

A breakup like that is similar to the death of a loved one, except that you don't get all the attention. You have to treat it as such. Cut off all contact, give yourself time to grieve, then move on with your life.

Living well really is the best medicine. Over time you will think of your ex less and less. One surefire way to get over her is to get a new GF (or a puppy)

Just be glad you weren't married, or God forbid, had kids together. You had good reason to let this one go. Trust your judgment, and don't look back. There really are a lot of fish in the sea.

You need to depend on the logic side of your brain during times like this. Keep in mind the reasons why you felt the breakup was right.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" - It might be a cliche, but it's a damn good one. Be thankful for the experiences, and the lessons learned. Apply to your future life.

For the next year or so, be extra careful driving, etc. It's a known fact that your chances of an accident increase when you are under the stress caused by life changing events.
Link Posted: 9/26/2004 7:08:22 PM EST
W-W, Aahhyes68, warlord, Mmanwitgun, plan_b, AvengeR15, macro, Vinnie, Triumph955i, 95thFoot, Inatree, giacutter, Kharn, Paul, 1SS_LAH, Mall-Ninja, Sharkman629, AeroE, jvic, GunLvrPHD, Treadhead, mejames, chooper, vmax84, BillofRights…

…and anyone else who I missed – thank you for taking the time to write and share your experiences. I have read through all of your advice and take it to heart. You guys are awesome and help in times like this. Losing a relationship so important sucks, but I guess it is a good thing in the end and coming to that realization and just sticking it out is what I need to do, and exercise and go shooting too. Thank you all.

Sincerely,
Gvidon
Link Posted: 9/26/2004 7:35:40 PM EST

Originally Posted By Mall-Ninja:
Unfortunately, the only way to get over it is to live well. Now's the time to find a new hobby. Go try intramural sports, join the gym, hit the rifle range. Anything to keep you occupied.


Pack up all of her stuff, and anything that would remind you of her. Mail it back. Worked for me last year.



And add a note that says "Here is your things, My girlfriend says it annoys her to see them while I am stuffing it in her pooper... By the way, here are the pics"

Just adding humor. I know you dont want to hear this now but it gets better.... It gets A LOT better. Been there, done that.
Link Posted: 9/26/2004 8:14:59 PM EST
i just went through this in the past couple months. i started running and lost some weight (approx 20lbs). it worked great, i couldn't dwell on her BS cuz i was trying so hard just to breath.

i still have a couple pictures up, but i took them down one night when i brought a girl home and did the deed with her. for a while everything reminded me of her..now i'm starting to not care at all. some poor SOB is going to have to put up with all her jealousy bullshit, liberal parents, anxiety over the smallest things, controlling ways, etc.

i'm focussing my attention on trying to better my life, i'm even considering enlistment in the military.

i don't know how old you are, i'm 25 and this was my first serious relationship (5yrs), i have found it's easier to talk to the womenz after having been in a relationship like that.

exercise
new poon as a distraction
stay busy!!!
focus on bettering your life (if you need it, i definately do)

those things helped me tremendously. also find some websites like www.nomarriage.com and read them. it might help remind of the crazy shit she might have pulled or any other possible warning signs you either missed or forgot about.

it could be worse, you could be with her and unhappy. just be glad you're not some poor sap who's pwned! i am my own man.

Link Posted: 9/27/2004 4:16:14 AM EST
Just one other thing--you will be better off for the experience. It's one of those no-pain, no-gain things.

GunLvr
Link Posted: 9/27/2004 4:44:15 AM EST
Dude, I was in exactly the same situation as you in June. Been with this chick for 3 1/2 years. Loved her. She loved me. Bitter break up following about a month of arguing. Other than her lack of financial inteligence, bordeline alchaholism, and a perpensity to lie, she was great. I chose a more drastic solution. Moved out of NY and down to Fla. Haven't been seeing any new chicks, but have been focusing on fitness. Do something that will benefit yourself and take your mind off the situation. Also, don't call her. Move foward, not backwards.
Link Posted: 9/27/2004 7:33:10 AM EST
A lot of good info and advice, I hope you take most of it.

Take care of yourself first!


Merlin
Link Posted: 9/27/2004 7:36:42 AM EST

Broke Up With Girlfriend, advice needed


I'm debating with myself over whether to ask for a tack for this thread, or a separate forum.

It seems that gun-nuts don't fare well in relationships.
Link Posted: 9/27/2004 8:12:40 AM EST
10 years from now, you will realize she didn't mean nearly as much to you as you thought. But you won't know that until then. In the mean time you won't be able to enjoy yourself like you should, and in the end you'll wish you had.
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