Miguel Sanchez, 42, was arrested early this morning in a quiet suburb of Cleveland.

Nicknamed Dirty Sanchez by his friends for his coarse sense of humor and preoccupation with sex, Sanchez was discovered in the backyard of local resident Dick Hertz. Mr. Hertz is disabled and has a helper monkey to assist him with daily activities; after spying on Mr. Hertz and his girlfriend for several hours, Sanchez reached through an open window and grabbed the monkey. Sanchez then reportedly began to spank the monkey in full view of Mr. Hertz, his girlfriend, and the elderly neighbor who called police.

Police arrived shortly afterward and found Sanchez hidden in the bushes with his pants around his ankles and no monkey to be seen. Sanchez quickly pulled his pants and sprinted for the nearby river, attempting to force his way onboard the Cleveland steamer to escape. Unfortunately for Sanchez, he was captured by police after a stack of Lipton crates fell and landed on him during his boarding attempt.

"It was the worse teabagging I ever saw," commented officer Heywood Jablome of the Cleveland police department.

Mr. Hertz was unavailable for comment, but it is believed that his monkey is safe back at home.

It's true; I AM bored.

I have an idea: Let's reserve the use of 'Breaking News' titles for actual 'breaking news'.

Quoted: I have an idea: Let's reserve the use of 'Breaking News' titles for actual 'breaking news'.

Nobody had a problem with it when sarge did his little skits.

I've always wondered how you 'break' news.  I mean...do you just haul off and clobber it with a hammer...or do you skulk in the shadows and try to catch it unawares?  Perhaps spring out from behind some shrubbery and smack it with a herring?


BC

Quoted: Quoted: I have an idea: Let's reserve the use of 'Breaking News' titles for actual 'breaking news'. Nobody had a problem with it when sarge did his little skits.

Take his current status as a clue.

Quoted: Quoted: I have an idea: Let's reserve the use of 'Breaking News' titles for actual 'breaking news'. Nobody had a problem with it when sarge did his little skits.

Not true. But he was also widely known to be a clown, so nobody ever wasted time clicking on one of his threads unless they wanted clowning.

Do you really want to become known as nothing but a clown?

Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: I have an idea: Let's reserve the use of 'Breaking News' titles for actual 'breaking news'. Nobody had a problem with it when sarge did his little skits. Not true. But he was also widely known to be a clown, so nobody ever wasted time clicking on one of his threads unless they wanted clowning. Do you really want to become known as nothing but a clown?

Tell ya what- develop a sense of humor, stop ragging on me for being facetious for once in my life, take two aspirin, and call me in the morning.

ok, *I* thought it was funny

I for one thought it was pretty damn funny and needed a good laugh!

Hell I may even renew my subscription......

If I send you 500 rounds of Ranger ammo could you convert them to Black Tallons?

geez

Just the use of 'breaking news' is a bit annoying. I will click those threads as with the variety of people here, there are often things announced here before normal media take the time to mention them.

Had it said "and in other news", or "meanwhile, back on the farm", or something other than "breaking news", I and tomislav etc would probably been able to appreciate the huomr more.

I'm not offended one way or the other, just responding to the "Nobody had a problem with it when sarge did his little skits." as I don't think that was totally true.

Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: I have an idea: Let's reserve the use of 'Breaking News' titles for actual 'breaking news'. Nobody had a problem with it when sarge did his little skits. Take his current status as a clue.

Owned.

Quoted: If I send you 500 rounds of Ranger ammo could you convert them to Black Tallons?

I can convert them into 450 rounds of Black Taluns, yes. The other 50 rounds were... um... recycled for parts. Yeah. For the hyper-sonic armor-piercing teflon-coated silent rounds with no muzzle-flash to work, I gotta cannibilize parts from the other rounds of ammo when I use a sharpie- um, brand converter for them. Yeah.

So is this not breaking news?

Is it a dupe?

As a follow up to this morning's article, Mr. Sanchez is confirmed to be a repeat offender animal abuser. In addition to spanking a monkey, Mr. Sanchez has previously been arrested for stealing a chicken from a nearby farm and choking it. Sanchez also reportedly made comments about the farmer's sheep during the arrest.

"I don't know what he did to my sheep, to be honest. He wasn't very clear," said farmer Phil Errup, "I just heard him say he was going to take it to a cliff so it would push back harder. I don't get it. He just looked me in my one good eye, the brown eye, and kept going on about my sheep before they put him in the car. It was strangely arousing."

In addition to the charges of animal abuse, Sanchez is being charged with trespass, disturbing the peace, and other misdemeanors for spying on Mr. Hertz, his girlfriend, and his monkey.

These things happen, Jethro!  

hey, at least it's not a school shooting or some shit.

TXL

Quoted: I've always wondered how you 'break' news.  I mean...do you just haul off and clobber it with a hammer...or do you skulk in the shadows and try to catch it unawares?  Perhaps spring out from behind some shrubbery and smack it with a herring? BC

Actually, the best way I've discovered is to cryogenically freeze it and drop it on concrete.

Breaking news is what it's called, but shattering news is a bit more like it.