I love pranksters and pranks that are really cool.  I'll tell you about a few of mine(some were with help) To pull off a really good one some times two heads are better than one.

O.K here is mine. We had a FDC Sgt. (Fire Direction Control)  in my artillery unit that was a real ass and a primadonna. If he was 'nt bitching about something he was allways wine-ing about something. On one particularly hot summer afternoon down at Fort Chaffe ARk. a fellow section chief said
" you know we outta do something to that cry-baby". No sooner than he said that the FDC Sgt. walked past us mumbleing something under his breath. Guess where he was going?--- The large blue PORTABLE toliet. Yes, it was the first time that we ever had that convinience in the field.  Almost immediatly I grabbed op some commo wire and my fellow Chief jumped to his feet. We waited till that SOB was comfortably seated then snuck up and wired that porta-potti up tight. We could not help ourselves and began to giggle like school girls. The FDC Sgt. caught on that something was amiss and began with "What the hell is going on out there" I yelled "you, you bitch' as we now began to shake the plastic shit house. He now was threatening to have us demoted and thrown out of the unit. Several other members of the battery were now helping to rock and taunt the asshole in the shit house. He became very angry and now was theatening to "Kill us"  Someone then tossed a cherry bomb down the vent pipe and it blew that blue shit and crap all over him. The battery XO came by laughed his ass off and advised that someone should cut  the wire and let him loose. Most of us took off by the time he was out. He was not sure who did it but most of the unit was invloved before it was over. He kinda changed his ways   after that and became more of a team player. About a week later he got even  with me but thats another story.
Never had porta-potties after that though

That's a really fucked up "joke".

That's not one that you can say gotcha, more like "Sorry for exposing you to hepatitis" when he gets sick.

Quoted: I love pranksters and pranks that are really cool.  I'll tell you about a few of mine(some were with help) To pull off a really good one some times two head are better than one. O.K here is mine. We had a FDC Sgt. (Fire Direction Control)  in my artillery unit that was a real ass and a primadonna. If he was 'nt bitching about something he was allways wine-ing about something. On one particularly hot summer afternoon down at Fort Chaffe ARk. a fellow section chief said " you know we outta do something to that cry-baby". No sooner than he said that the FDC Sgt. walked past us mumbleing something under his breath. Guess where he was going?--- The large blue PORTABLE toliet. Yes, it was the first time that we ever had that convinience in the field.  Almost immediatly I grabbed op some commo wire and my fellow Chief jumped to his feet. We waited till that SOB was comfortably seated then snuck up and wired that porta-potti up tight. We could not help ourselves and began to giggle like school girls. The FDC Sgt. caught on that something was amiss and began with "What the hell is going on out there" I yelled "you, you bitch' as we now began to shake the plastic shit house. He now was threatening to have us demoted and thrown out of the unit. Several other members of the battery were now helping to rock and taunt the asshole in the shit house. He became very angry and now was theatening to "Kill us"  Someone then tossed a cherry bomb down the vent pipe and it blew that blue shit and crap all over him. The battery XO came by laughed his ass off and advised that someone should cut  the wire and let him loose. Most of us took off by the time he was out. He was not sure who did it but most of the unit was invloved before it was over. He kinda changed his ways   after that and became more of a team player. About a week later he got even  with me but thats another story. Never had porta-potties after that though

SHIT COMMING, Hit the deck

I put a fresh fish in the AC vent above my barracks room the day I left Okinawa.  I was the only G6 guy on the floor I was living on - everyone else was PMO.  What a bunch of dicks.

I hope they liked my gift

Quoted: That's a really fucked up "joke". That's not one that you can say gotcha, more like "Sorry for exposing you to hepatitis" when he gets sick.

Jeeze in 1987 no one worried about Hepititis or Aids. No he did not get sick and to bad, maybe I should have out your cry baby ass in there.

Quoted: Quoted: That's a really fucked up "joke". That's not one that you can say gotcha, more like "Sorry for exposing you to hepatitis" when he gets sick. Jeeze in 1987 no one worried about Hepititis or Aids. No he did not get sick and to bad, maybe I should have out your cry baby ass in there.

+1

I tried to hold up General Discussion a few minutes ago.

Quoted: Quoted: That's a really fucked up "joke". That's not one that you can say gotcha, more like "Sorry for exposing you to hepatitis" when he gets sick. Jeeze in 1987 no one worried about Hepititis or Aids. No he did not get sick and to bad, maybe I should have out your cry baby ass in there.

A joke should be funny in the end result sooner or later for the victim. I don't think he was full of chuckles at any time about the subject, unless he would have canned anyone.

That was cruel.

I got my LT at work.  I found his keys in the middle of a 14 hr night shift waited until he was sound asleep.  I then gathered some broken car window glass from a earlier accident.  I rolled his window down sprinkled the broken glass around the seat, floor and adjacent ground.  I then laid a 4 foot 1 inch piece of pipe half in half out of the car with a noted attached.  The note read not everyone likes John Kerry for president watch your back.  (My LT was a strong supporter of JK for Pres).  So I waited till the Cops arrived to investigate to let the cat out of the bag.  Man he was pissed But it is still funny to this day.

Have you ever seen one of those luggage alarms? The kind you strap through your stuff and if it gets moved, emits a loud abrasive noise? I thought you had

When I was in high school, someone would always pass out at the party. This person became the reason that no matter how thrashed I get, I never, ever pass out.

Our friend consumed a fairly respectable ammount of beer, and succumbed to sleep. I, being the vicious bastard that I am, decided to attach this luggage alarm to this guy's neck. He slept through our maniacal giggling, and I armed the device. In retrospect, doing this in a fairly small room was probably not the best thing to do, but hey, that's why they call it hindsight...

My victim rolled over, and since we had set the sensitivity to the highest level on the alarm, was awakened by a piercing high decibel alarm. Certain that the end times were upon him, the victim bolted to his feet, quite possibly with his eyes still shut, and made a run for safety (or at least someplace less cacaphonous).

His collision with the wall was spectacular! Unfortunately, he was rendered nearly insensate. It would have been better if he was unconcious. Have you ever tried to calm a drunk person who has a 120db alarm going off right next to his ear? The same alarm that jerked him from the sleep of the completely drunk?

To say that he was combative would be an understatement.

Suffice it to say, he was ill inclined to accept any further invitations to any of our parties.

There was also a time when we crashed a party (who's instigator we had warned about being too close to the houses) in the desert by roaring up the road and spotlighting the crowd.

It was like someone flipped on a light in a cockroach infested kitchen. Panic and chaos as the partygoers fled into the Nevada desert, certain that the Police had come to take them to jail (or at least pour out their beer) and bring down parental fury upon them.

We availed ourselves to as much beer as we could fit into our ice chest, and adjourned to a much more secluded campsite where we would be less likely to be intruded upon.

GT
Fucking Asshole.

Quoted: I got my LT at work.  I found his keys in the middle of a 14 hr night shift waited until he was sound asleep.  I then gathered some broken car window glass from a earlier accident.  I rolled his window down sprinkled the broken glass around the seat, floor and adjacent ground.  I then laid a 4 foot 1 inch piece of pipe half in half out of the car with a noted attached.  The note read not everyone likes John Kerry for president watch your back.  (My LT was a strong supporter of JK for Pres).  So I waited till the Cops arrived to investigate to let the cat out of the bag.  Man he was pissed But it is still funny to this day.

that's a classic one. I'll have to remember that one!

Not my prank, but...

All I will say is packing peanuts, orange spray paint, and an empty Cheetos bag.



Yep, it worked.  Guy stopped eating other people's food.

Quoted: Not my prank, but... All I will say is packing peanuts, orange spray paint, and an empty Cheetos bag. Yep, it worked.  Guy stopped eating other people's food.

Faked  UFO sighing once.

Chem lights. Helium baloons. First few went up one at a time, after a bit we used sticks, tape and extra baloons and made triangle shapes.

Once they get up to about 500 feet they hit a wind current and took off like crazy. From a distance it looked like they were hovering then one by one took off.

Try it, it looks real cool.

Quoted: Not my prank, but... All I will say is packing peanuts, orange spray paint, and an empty Cheetos bag. Yep, it worked.  Guy stopped eating other people's food.

Did that but a little different. Worked with a farmer that had black angus cattle. We had a lunch stealer also. He ate a tuna fish sandwich that was made with a cattle laxative. Yes, he really shit himself.

Quoted: Not a big one, but funny if you know her-- My brother married a wonderful <l'il bit younger> girl.  Not young enough to say he robbed the cradle, but enough so that we don't speak the same language--especially as I'm three years older than him.  Most of you know I am very much an outdoorsman--hunter, fisherman, trapper, etc.  I love everything in the outdoors, including stuff I don't kill and eat.  I made them a couple of bird houses and he bought a feeder for the long Wisconsin winters.  He located it just outside his kitchen window, so it is handy for his little girls (currently age 7 and 3) to watch the birds.  Oh, I have to tell you my SIL is HIGHLY educated--I think two degrees, licensed interpreter, very intelligent--but kind of lacks common sense, almost ditzy.  She is serious though, and I love her to death--not to mention she controls my access to my beloved nieces.  <sigh> Anyway, I was washing my hands in the kitchen sink (who knew you're not supposed to do that??) and as she walked by I mentioned the bird feeder, and that I thought it was a great idea for the girls' sake.  She commented they enjoyed it and had even bought a book to identify the birds.  At that I said, "Oh look--it's a dikfor!"  She asked, "What's a dikfor?"  I said, "Peeing mostly."  I thought she was going to kill me--literally.  She did NOT handle having a joke made at her expense well--at least until later when I told everyone in the family.  That was last January and now she finally thinks it's funny--all I have to do is ask if they will be feeding the birds this winter and she cracks up.

thank god I got a plastic keyboard cover cause that one had me in tears!

I turned a guy purple. He stayed that way for over a month.

I'm also the only person in recent history to put a crater in the campus lawn. One of my accomplices was stupid and told a security guard he's friends with about it.

He said to next time do it on a holiday when there were fewer people on campus to decrease the likelihood of potential witnesses.

I also used a certain sprayable substance on every toilet seat in a dorm at another college once. Then me and my buddy spent the rest of the day counting how many people complained about the burning rash on their butts.

This was pulled on me:

1984, I had graduated high school, and was having a grad party at my moms house. This was a family party, in the middle of the day. I had joined the Air Force during spring break, and was on delayed enlistment. I wasn't supposed to go in for another 5 months. Well, i had drank a few beers, and it was in the middle of the party, when there was a knock on the door, and my mom ( who knew what was going on ) told me to get the door. I answer the door, and there is this lady in a blue uniform, asking me if my name was so and so, and I am saying yes, but not understanding what is going on. Well she tells me that she is Lt. someone, from the Air Force, and that my report no later than date has been moved up, and basically, I need to pack my shit because she is here to get me. Well, I am totally not prepared for this, and I let her in and I am like a deer in the headlights. She asked if I was surprised, which I was going into shock, I said "yes". She suggests that I sit down. I am thinking good idea. Well, I sit down in a chair, in the middle of the room, worried that I am leaving immediately, worried about certain things I may or may not have inhaled, and just basically shitting my pants. In the background some music starts playing, and this lady starts to dance. She takes her hat off, and puts it on my head. I am looking at her like "WTF", still a deer in the headlights, about ten times over. Nothing is making sense, and this Lt. hottie, is taking her uniform off. Everyone is hysterical, except me, cuz I still can't figure out that its a joke. She starts un-buttoning her top, and my mom is saying "honey, it's a joke", and I am just starting to get it. Oh my God, finally I see what is happening, she does her dance, and I am able to enjoy the second half of it. She hung around for an hour or so, because it went over so well. Everyone there had a huge laugh, including me. I think that it was the best prank I have ever been part of.

My friend lived across the street from an unfenced narrow park, and the teens would hang out in the middle at night and party noisily with beer and whatever else they could get, way past the 10:00 curfew there.

Meanwhile he tried to sleep because his recent job began early in the morning.  It happened to be outcall photography, (actually a crappy situation that was an ethical challenge).

I was over at his place one night when he'd had enough.  After it was good and dark for a half hour or so,  he brought out the biggest damn strobe flash I'd ever seen.    He & I went over to the park, where from the edge, he zeroed in on the yakking and skunky smelling smoke, and proceeded to set the flash off.   There were plenty of expletives being used, as the partiers scattered every which way, and having lost their night vision, some were running into and tripping over each other or trees, etc.......

It would be great if I could say that that solved the problem, but within a few days, they were back at it.

When I was 17 (1987) I was in Circuit city trying to buy a new tape deck and the salesman wouldnt give me the time of day so I took all the remotes(15 or so) for the alarm systems on display and turned them on and off all day while watching from the other side of the store.

I think that dude quit around noon while yelling "CALL ROADHOIUSE NOWWW!" and I let the rest of his lootin buddies have it till round' quitin time.

We jumpered a wire from the brake light fuse to the horn fuse on a guy's truck at work. He got out of the parking lot by only tapping his brakes for a second, said he thought it was his hand numping the button. Didn't get him until he got down the road and was sitting right in the middle of rush hour traffic and an intersection

We used to have fun with these huge jellyfish at the Coast Guard base. Jelly fish in the toilets, jellyfish in people's desks, jellyfish under the seat of the horn/brake guys truck (that was a bad one )  

Quoted: Not a big one, but funny if you know her-- My brother married a wonderful <l'il bit younger> girl.  Not young enough to say he robbed the cradle, but enough so that we don't speak the same language--especially as I'm three years older than him.  Most of you know I am very much an outdoorsman--hunter, fisherman, trapper, etc.  I love everything in the outdoors, including stuff I don't kill and eat.  I made them a couple of bird houses and he bought a feeder for the long Wisconsin winters.  He located it just outside his kitchen window, so it is handy for his little girls (currently age 7 and 3) to watch the birds.  Oh, I have to tell you my SIL is HIGHLY educated--I think two degrees, licensed interpreter, very intelligent--but kind of lacks common sense, almost ditzy.  She is serious though, and I love her to death--not to mention she controls my access to my beloved nieces.  <sigh> Anyway, I was washing my hands in the kitchen sink (who knew you're not supposed to do that??) and as she walked by I mentioned the bird feeder, and that I thought it was a great idea for the girls' sake.  She commented they enjoyed it and had even bought a book to identify the birds.  At that I said, "Oh look--it's a dikfor!"  She asked, "What's a dikfor?"  I said, "Peeing mostly."  I thought she was going to kill me--literally.  She did NOT handle having a joke made at her expense well--at least until later when I told everyone in the family.  That was last January and now she finally thinks it's funny--all I have to do is ask if they will be feeding the birds this winter and she cracks up.

I'll tag this one, and then go to bed.

took purple bug juice powder and put it in the co's shower head. the best part was the xo shared the shower with the co and the xo was in on it.

heard this one, not part of it. on another boat they had a smart ass O1, well a few of the musule guys on board got in the arguement that the weak part of a pull up was your hands, well the know it all officer decided that it was not, and he was willing to prove it. well he grabbed a pipe and let them eb green his hands to the pipe, once he was secure the took his pants off and left him hanging ( no pun )

At work one day when I was in high school working construction we had a guy who was really particular about his truck and was always wayyyyy to serious about his foreman's duties.

One day we got a tractor and lifted up the back of his truck and put blocks under the rear axle so that the tires were about 1/2" off the pavement.  At quitting time he got into his truck to go home and put the truck in gear and he didn't know what was going on.  He got out and looked under the hood and tried shifting into reverse, etc. for about 5 minutes until he finally caught on that his wheels were turning fine, they were just off the ground a bit.

The funniest was when my wife was moving from her apt. in college.  I had only known her a few weeks and here I was having to help her father and brother move her out of her apt.  My father inlaw had an old, old Hoover vacuum that looked like Mr. Hoover himself had made it.  While he was vacuuming in the living room of the apt. I found the breaker box for the plugs in the living room and with her brother and his friends help we proceeded to work him over really good.  

First we would turn off the breaker and let him mess with the vacuum for a while before turning it back on and letting him begin to work for a bit before turning it off again.  He fiddled with the cord, the hose, the switch and couldn't make sense of what was causing it to turn off.  After about 5 minutes we were losing our cool and began to flick the breaker on and off really fast while he vaccuumed.  I never saw anyone so perplexed about a machine.  Finally he looked back and saw us watching him and crying from laughing so hard and he realized we were the cause of his troubles.

There have been many others, but I still remember this one like it was yesterday, after 18 years.

Flour in a hairdrier

I had to clean up after though

I took a coworkers car keys and put them in a clear plastic cup full of water, then froze them solid.  Boy did she whine when she found out what I did.  

Took some clear plastic packing tape and sealed up a co-workers office while he was inside with the door closed.  Later he threw the door open and walked right into the packing tape because he was in a hurry and didn't really notice it.

Had some friends that we used to prank back and forth.....girl had gotten me pretty good the week earlier so I decided to end it......I worked at General Dynamics in the mail room in St. Louis at the time......had huge paper shredders for big documents........I loaded up about 4-5 large trash bags full of paper shreds and took them home.........friend left her sunroof open one night.......filled the car all the way up with paper shreds spilling out of the sunroof........best part was she called me a few months later, she never used her A/C as it didn't work, but the heater did.....weather finally turned cold so she kicked the heater on and paper shreds started blowing out of the vents 2 months later........

Reversing the  buttons on a co workers mouse can be entertaining if they arre prone to fits of profanity.

Quoted: This was pulled on me: 1984, I had graduated high school, and was having a grad party at my moms house. This was a family party, in the middle of the day. I had joined the Air Force during spring break, and was on delayed enlistment. I wasn't supposed to go in for another 5 months. Well, i had drank a few beers, and it was in the middle of the party, when there was a knock on the door, and my mom ( who knew what was going on ) told me to get the door. I answer the door, and there is this lady in a blue uniform, asking me if my name was so and so, and I am saying yes, but not understanding what is going on. Well she tells me that she is Lt. someone, from the Air Force, and that my report no later than date has been moved up, and basically, I need to pack my shit because she is here to get me. Well, I am totally not prepared for this, and I let her in and I am like a deer in the headlights. She asked if I was surprised, which I was going into shock, I said "yes". She suggests that I sit down. I am thinking good idea. Well, I sit down in a chair, in the middle of the room, worried that I am leaving immediately, worried about certain things I may or may not have inhaled, and just basically shitting my pants. In the background some music starts playing, and this lady starts to dance. She takes her hat off, and puts it on my head. I am looking at her like "WTF", still a deer in the headlights, about ten times over. Nothing is making sense, and this Lt. hottie, is taking her uniform off. Everyone is hysterical, except me, cuz I still can't figure out that its a joke. She starts un-buttoning her top, and my mom is saying "honey, it's a joke", and I am just starting to get it. Oh my God, finally I see what is happening, she does her dance, and I am able to enjoy the second half of it. She hung around for an hour or so, because it went over so well. Everyone there had a huge laugh, including me. I think that it was the best prank I have ever been part of.

Uh, your Mom was there while you got a lap dance from a stripper???

The industry I worked in had some classics.  The level of cruelness depended upon how well you got along with the rest of the crew.

One individual was famous for tormenting new hires. One of them got tired of it and put Nair on his hardhat liner.  The view of his head at lunch is something I'll always remember.

Nair was reserved for extreme cases.  More common was the Thief ID dye.  It is a powder that stains the skin bright blue when wet.  Applied to wet suit interiors, hardhats and respirators, everyone could ID the victim.

Disliked individuals might also find a small quantity of fiberglass insulation in their underwear.  Or grease on their windshield wipers.  But there was worse.  Nitrates absorbed through the skin can cause a severe headache.  Most commercial explosives are primarily nitrate compounds.  A small amount of green explosives smeared on a hardhat liner or a respirator would leave the victim moaning within hours.

A well-liked individual announced that he was working his last shift.  Word quickly spread throughout the operation.  Access to the work area was controlled through a narrow vertical shaft.  As the individual made his way to the shaft at the end of shift, he found his POS car........1500 feet undergound on the shaft station.

I gotta get back into that industry!

SRM

Had a piece of stationary equipment powered by a Jimmy V8-71.  The engine was idling, and going (I thought)  Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang...    I was not sure the sound was coming from the engine, as I sped it up, Bangbangbangbangbang, seemingly in time with the engine.  I reved it up further, the banging was faster.  Slowed the engine to idle, the banging slowed. Reved it up, the banging went faster.  

I did a walkaround, no oil leaks, no hole in the side of the block, nothing.  Oil pressure was about 10 psi at idle (normal), and in the 40 psi range at higher RPM's, again, normal.  Temp was 165 F, also normal.

I shut it down, started making calls, and reported to our mechanic shop's supervisor.  We both agreed it might be a thrown rod, even though the engine sounded smooth.  He was on the phone as soon as I hung up getting another engine coming, some mechanics coming our way, the whole bit.

So, I was sitting there drinking some coffee in the break room, and looking pissed, I suppose.  A couple of guys came in and asked, "Wassa matter with you?"

I told them, "Damn, I think the Jimmy threw a rod.  I have some mechanics coming, and they are getting another engine loaded up now."

"NO!  Wait!  It was just a joke!!!"  It turns out one of the guys on the other side of the wall, behind the engine, began banging on wall with a 3 lb hammer.  It was a metal building, so it was quite a clank.  He thought it was funny watching me walk around, confused, trying to find the noise.

Well, at least I was able to stop everything before people and equipment started motorvating down the road... at least the mechanic shop super thought it was funny.    

tag

One prank that comes to mind...

We had this cat that had a worm problem, it would leave gross little bits of worm in its wake...it was not allowed in the house while it was being de-wormed, but was hard to keep out...the worm "bits" looked an awful lot like white rice....So one day I went into my sisters room while she was away and scattered about six pieces of white instant rice across her pillow....then I left for a long weekend of camping, forgetting all about my little joke.

    About four days later I came home, eventually someone got around to telling me about what the cat did.....My sister, upon finding the "worms" carried her pillow out to the dinning room, where it just happened my parents were sitting down to a meal of Stuffed Green Peppers, stuffed with white rice among other things....My sister says to my Dad "I think the cat was in my room....Do these look like worms?" My Dad, not having great near vision looked closely at the "worms" and said "yes, looks like worms"...then they go back trying to eat their rice which looked, oddly very much like the "worms".... Well as you might imagine, dinner went in the garbage and the cat came close to a one way trip....And my sister had spent the entire weekend sanitizing her room.

   Well, I said to my sister...I hate to tell this....but that was rice on your pillow.....She screamed You!....Arrrg!!!....and I was forced to flee the house....less my skull be remodeled by a frying pan.

I still hear about this anytime the family gets together for dinner...and rice is being served.

Quoted: Uh, your Mom was there while you got a lap dance from a stripper???

She didn't strip completely,  only down to a bikini.  And it was not a lap dance like you would get in a strip club. It was more of a PG-13 version. No bump and grind occured. It was far from dirty

I had a math teacher in high school who was a real asshole. It was pretty obvious that he wore a cheap hairpiece. One day when he walked in the door from the hallway, I made a mental note of his height relative to the door frame. A couple days later, I stuck a guitar string across the doorway set to "scalp" him as he walked in the door.
I got the height just perfect and he came running in the door a couple seconds late and dropped his toupe right there. Boy, was he pissed. The class went up for grabs. He laughed about it later. Fortunately, nobody ratted me out.

Quoted: Quoted: That's a really fucked up "joke". That's not one that you can say gotcha, more like "Sorry for exposing you to hepatitis" when he gets sick. Jeeze in 1987 no one worried about Hepititis or Aids. No he did not get sick and to bad, maybe I should have out your cry baby ass in there.

Locking him in, funny. The cherry bomb was a funny idea until it threw rancid human waste on him.

Pretty much, since the middle ages we've known that swimming in feces results in bad diseases.

When the fecal fountain resulted, he should have immediately been let out to disinfect himself.

Icee-Hot in my roomies underware in military school.



I did get caught, went to the Commandants office, and had to appoligize to his mother for making her wash his underware twice in one week

My mother had a habit of finishing off anything left around.

After a forest fire in our area, a friend and I found a cache of items that were left by the fire crew including some military rations (pre-MRE).  While my parents were gone, we tried brewing up some of the coffee.  It was horrid.  So we thought we might improve it by using 4 more packets in the same cup.  No real improvement.  One of us mentioned that the mix strongly resembled cola.

An empty coke can, a clear glass and few ice cubes and we were set.  Being cowards, we decided to vacate the area for awhile.  

Working our courage up, we returned a couple of hours later.  We were met by my mom at the door.  With an icy stare she said "That is not coke.  I don't know what it is, but that is not coke.  You think your funny?"  All the while my Dad and sister were laughing in the background.

SRM

Screen capture of someones desktop.

Remove ALL of the icons and "my computer" from the desktop, or move them to NEW locations.

Make the screen capture the new desktop background.

They will wear out their mouse clicking on icons that aren't there.

tag

Since we started out this thread discussing scatalogical "stuff", I offer the following:

In 1986 I was an LT serving in a destroyer in San Diego.  Our CO was a notorious flamer with a Napoleon complex and a BAD attitude.  He REALLY enjoyed tormenting JOs.  In my 28 years, he was one of the most unpleasant individuals I ever had the displeasure of working for.

His sea-cabin head (latrine for you Army pukes) was on the third deck, just aft of the bridge.  Two decks below was the electronics repair office and an adjacent head.  The two heads were connected on common piping into the forward "Atomic Shitter" system then in use in that class of ship.

The sewage system was sort of unique when designed in the early '70s.  It did not use constant flow sea water as flushing water.  That was much easier on the piping.  Instead, the system used an LP air pressurized system and a small amount of water to literally vacuum the bowl down into the collection tanks.  It also had a macerating system and furnace for processing solid waste.

The weakness of the system is that it was easily plugged up with even the smallest articles.  Cigarette butts would often plug the system up until the techs in charge could clean out the filters.  A rag carelessly flushed down the crapper would bring the entire system down for hours.  When that happened, the techs had to blow the system down.  They would hang warning signs on the affected heads and hook up a hose and pressurized the system with LP air.

One day, I heard the word being passed that the forward shitter group was down.  As I passed my shop's office and the head up forward on my rounds, I noticed a couple of the hull techs working in the head with the hose going in.  At the time, wondered if they had hung the appropriate signs, especially on the CO's head door.  I wondered...what IF...then thought fuck it...so what if...

I then proceeded aft to my stateroom to do some paperwork.

At about this time, I heard the word passed over the 1MC "Ding...ding...ding...ding:  FLETCHER RETURNING (Again...for the Army pukes or civvies, when the CO who has been absent from the ship for a while during the day returns, he is accorded honors with bells and the word is passed as described to tell the appropriate officers like the XO, that the boss is approaching the brow, so he, the XO can greet the CO and get the latest dope.).  The CO had just returned from a change of command ceremony in his summer white uniform.

As the CO returned...I again pondered whether or not the men had hung the signs...and decided not to intervene...just in case, and let nature takes its course.

About 2-3 minutes later, I heard the quarterdeck frantically pass the word for the Auxilliaries Officer to report to the CO's at sea cabin immediately.  This was followed by further calls for the Chief Engineer, the Supply Officer and the XO.

I immediately realized what had most likely just happened.  My suspicions were quickly confirmed a few minutes later when the Auxo walked by my stateroom quickly with a HUGE rueful grin on his face.  I quickly asked Russ..."Did your guys just blow shit all over the CO?"  He answered yes and told me it was AWFUL up there.  There was shit all over the CO's head...and the CO!

The Suppo then passed with a large trash bag filled with the CO's whites.  He told me that when the CO had completed his business, he had turned 180 degs. leaned over the crapper and pushed the button on top of the tank to activate the vacuum flush cycle.  When he did so, instead of flushing...the now pressurized system blew inboard, covering the CO with shit.

It took days to get the head and cabin cleaned and disinfected.

I guess I should have warned the CO...but then again...why?  Revenge, even if by another's hand can be sweet sometimes.

Those of us who have kept in touch keep the memory of that great day alive and we still hold the Auxo in reverence for the great deed his men did.  He is now a multimillionaire exec for a major pharmaceutical firm but that story has followed him for many years.  It was a great P-owned moment.

A friend told me about a joke they played on  their sister when they were kids.

They knew they were having lima beans for supper, so they picked some big swollen wood ticks off of a dog and put them on her plate in with the beans when she wasnt looking.  She was just about to scoop one up with her fork when she noticed it moving.

She wont eat beans to this day.

Quoted: At that I said, "Oh look--it's a dikfor!"  She asked, "What's a dikfor?"  I said, "Peeing mostly."

At that point did a bunch of ninjas and a scary black dude Airborne Ranger Colonel jump out of the trees?

I was a freshman in h.s.  All my 8th grade buddies went to the catholic co-ed highschool and I went to an all male jesuit highschool.   I got rides from a pot head guy that lived near by and went to school with me and one day in the spring we decided to take a roll of 1,000 black cats and toss them in an open door in the catholic (co-ed) school.   It was about 70 yards from the street and I jumped out of his car with them under my arm.  The door was already open since it was a nice day and the school didn't have A/C.  As I got to the door I rolled them out like I was bowling,  all 1,000 of them rolled out like a piece of carpet and I lit the fuse and took off.  As I dove headfirst in the car with my feet out about 100 of them had gone off already.  By the time I got situated and turned around to look back (probably 1/8-1/4 mile away now) we could see kids and teachers pouring out of the school.

This was back in 93 and I didn't tell anyone that I knew about it that went there until we had all graduated.  They were rolling when they found out it was me.  They said the whole roll went off and everone freaked out and was talking about it for months.

Old one, I call it "Your a jack-ass!":

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!!

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her.

She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.

When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?"

He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it.

Just dial 823-4863.

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking pace. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camero came flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.

I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camero completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me.

I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure are a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camero lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.

After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camero for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

I said, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes,"

"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:

First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."

I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.

The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No."

He said, "What's your name, Pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camero's parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, Jackass!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your ass."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!" And I hung up.

Then I ran down to the pay-phone and called the police. I told them I lived at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home and hung up.

Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.

Glorious!

Watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!


Mike

Quoted: His sea-cabin head (latrine for you Army pukes)

Did he have a rack full of nudie mags attached to the wall bulkhead?


Did the door hatch have a latch?


Who was the poor sailor who got to 'swab the Captain's head'?


Did you guys put a sign on the door that read "Poop Deck"?




One of the resident jerks at work left his computer unlocked and did not log off prior to leaving for the day. That is a big no-no where I work. He ended up with a My Little Pony background. I wanted to put a 'chicks with dicks' background on there, but figured it wouldn't go over well if the wrong person saw it. He was ranting and raving for months after that how our network had been compromised and black helicopter NWO thugs had hacked his machine.


One time I put some looooong zipties on the driveshaft of a friend's truck. They were so long the tail end slapped the bottom of the truck as the driveshaft spun.


*thwack* *thwack* *thwack* *thwackthwackthwackthwack*

Oh man to many to list, which I actually have posted most of mine. Heres the link.

www.ar15.com/forums/topic.html?b=1&f=5&t=313501

My good friend at work would every day come in and turn his cell phone off then sit down to work, one day I created this cover story bout an old college buddy that was bothering me for some reason, I kept hyping the story all day so he got the point I was upset with this guy, at the end of the day just as I saw him getting ready to leave I call his cell phone (which is still off) and get his voice mail, Just as it picks up I say "Chris (the marks name) your so stupid I’m about to get you to curse your self out, you little bitch I can't believe how much you suck", as I’m saying this he is just coming in to ear shot and hears me getting amped up (I played it off like I was talking to the college buddy) so I hand him the phone and tell "give this ass clown an ear full" to which he goes OFF on a tirade with the most vile insults then hangs up.

About 10 min later we are both on the way home and he calls me, he was laughing so hard he couldn’t even speak. You need the right type of mark but it is relatively easy to pull off.