I like the FAQ's at the above site. Hilarious:
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: How do I place an order?
A: You can pay by credit card using the shopping cart system or you can print out an order form and mail it in with your payment. Send it to Cannonfuse.com. P.O. Box 222, Milltown MT 59851. Dont forget to calculate your shipping charges.
Q: It says in little tiny letters on the shopping cart page that shipping, tax, and handling costs will be calculated upon checkout so I didn't pay for shipping, is this correct?
A: It also says in big red letters at the top of every page that you must calculate your own shipping and add it to your cart and there are 34 links throughout the website to take you to the page where you can calculate and pay for shipping costs.
Q: Your ordering system is very complicated and I can't figure it out, what should I do?
A: First, you should quit participating in hobbies that utilize dangerous items such as fuse, you could hurt yourself. Try to find a safer hobby such as collecting marbles or watching grass grow. Cannonfuse.com utilizes this complex checkout procedure to prevent sales to people with an IQ of less than 80.
Q: Your ordering system doesn't work, will you fix it so it will work for me?
A: It seems to be working for everybody else so maybe it isn't the system.
Q: I see that your website says "Sales to USA Only", but I live in Canada, will you ship an order to me anyway?
A: Sales to USA only means that I only send out orders to addresses within the United States of America. I have included a map for those of you who do not understand "Sales to USA only". And yes, I do ship to Alaska and Hawaii.
Q: Did you get my order?
A: Who are you, what is your address, when did you pay, how did you pay, what did you buy? This information is very helpful when trying to locate the information you are looking for.
Q: I recently purchased some items from your website and I have not received them yet, what's the status of my order?
A: Fuse can only be sent by parcel post mail so sometimes it can take longer than regular mail. Everything always show up eventually.
Q: Can I have my tracking number?
A: Delivery confirmation is an optional feature so you will not get a tracking number unless you pay for this option. If you did pay for it and you want the number you must provide me with some information such as your name, address and date of purchase so that I can find the information you requested.
Q: Who do I make the check out to?
Q: What is the difference between the different colors of American fuse?
A: Nothing, they all burn the same. It is just for looks.
Q: Do you sell M80's or other illegal fireworks or do you know where I can find them?
A: Are you serious? Do you really think that someone is going to commit a federal felony and sell you illegal fireworks because you sent them an email. Get real.
Q: Do you sell gunpowder, black powder, chemicals, other sizes of tubes or _______?
A: If I did I would list them on my site. Listing items on the site seems to be the most effective method of selling things so why would I have stuff for sale and not list them on the site? Everything I sell is on my site.
Q: Can I call in my order?
A: I don't have the capabilities to accept credit cards over the phone.
Q: How much is shipping to _________ ?
A: Use the shipping calculator located HERE.
Q: How long will it take to ship a package to ________?
A: I have no idea how long it will take for the United States Postal Service to get a package from me to you. I have absolutely nothing to do with nor do I know anything about the delivery process so there is no way for me to calculate with any accuracy how long it could possibly take to get there. I just send them, I have no idea when they get to their destination so I never know how long it took for any of the packages that I sent to get there. I get them in the mail as fast as possible, that is all I can do.
Q: I received an email that said you sent my order but I have not received my order in the mail yet, what is the status of my order?
A: No amount of email to me will make the U.S. Postal Service go any faster. Once I have sent your order there is nothing you or I can do but wait.
Q: Is fuse legal to buy, ship, sell or possess in the state of ____________?
A: If you are over 18, fuse is legal to buy, have shipped to you, and possess in all 50 states. Fuse is not considered "fireworks".
How easy a thing it is to find a staff if a man be minded to beat a dog.
--Thomas Becon, Early Works: Preface (1563)