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9/22/2017 12:11:25 AM
Posted: 1/10/2006 12:19:32 PM EDT
Sent to me by a friend of mine who is a restoration blacksmith:


Fw: Basic Introduction to Tools

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls
and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward
off a hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic
floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog s**t off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably has
an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.


TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under cars at night.
Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light
bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used
during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often
dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact
wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone
at ERCO, and neatly rounds off their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far
from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool
that you will need.

EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow
eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in

Link Posted: 1/10/2006 12:24:36 PM EDT
I have a bunch of those tools!
Link Posted: 1/10/2006 12:29:57 PM EDT
Man... after working in a machine shop, I could make you a much bigger list.
Link Posted: 1/10/2006 12:49:21 PM EDT

Originally Posted By 95thFoot:


MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts and your thigh from knee to hip (if you're my dumb bro) . ............................

Link Posted: 1/10/2006 12:54:29 PM EDT
Now that is funny!

Gonna print that for my Dad!
Link Posted: 1/10/2006 1:00:27 PM EDT
Link Posted: 1/10/2006 1:14:33 PM EDT
God, I miss my workshop.
Link Posted: 1/10/2006 1:29:09 PM EDT
I see variations of this every few weeks on the .net
And every time I laugh my ass off having been there done almost all of them.
Link Posted: 1/10/2006 2:50:31 PM EDT
Link Posted: 1/10/2006 2:55:11 PM EDT

Link Posted: 1/10/2006 2:56:57 PM EDT
Link Posted: 1/10/2006 2:57:59 PM EDT
I have all those...and quite a few more...
Link Posted: 1/10/2006 3:03:21 PM EDT
True stuff is the funniest! Bwaaa ha ha ha!
Link Posted: 1/10/2006 4:34:59 PM EDT

Laughing my ass off
Link Posted: 1/11/2006 2:24:28 AM EDT
Link Posted: 1/11/2006 2:54:32 AM EDT
That's quite suprising. I always thought Air Compressors were used to get your neighbors to call the police on you at 2 in the morning.

I also use my impact wrenches for breaking bolts that nuts are rusted onto. They're also very handy for making nuts hot enough to burn your hands.
Link Posted: 1/11/2006 2:57:03 AM EDT
love it
Link Posted: 1/11/2006 5:07:40 AM EDT
So true, so true...
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