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Posted: 9/26/2004 2:04:10 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 9/26/2004 2:08:54 PM EDT by Palo_Duro]
Some people are of the opinion that old people do not really contribute anything to our society, and there is no reason to keep them around, as they are a drain on our society. I think they're on the right track, however instead of killing old people, I think we should kill babies. Don't pretend to be so offended, babies have been being killed for a long time, first with well timed "accidental" blows to the abdominal region, followed later by the coat hanger method, and now with the tried and true "drill a hole through their head and suck their brains out" procedure.

Bundle of joy, or burden on society?

Now, Killing babies would have many wonderful effects on society. First of all, it is a fact that babies are far and away the leading users of diapers. Think about how much plastic and sticky tape is being used. You've seen the plastic commercials. According to the plastic commercials, plastic is the most amazing substance of all time. If we didn't have to spend all that plastic on diapers, we could probably build better and more effective weapons, so we would have killed all those Muslims that don't agree with us, or we could build an entire new race of plastic robots that could either revolutionize or destroy humanity, depending on whether Steven Spielberg or James Cameron is directing the world.

Also, babies need to be taken care of. Often, in today's economic climate, the woman in the family is either part of a two income family, or is chasing down the no good asshole that ran out on her without leaving a forwarding address. In either case, their kids need to be taken care of. If there were no babies, all the child care people would be free to pursue other career opportunities, such as landscaping, which would free us to deport all illegal immigrants who do those jobs, and not worry about who will trim the edges of our driveway since we're too busy watching Jerry Springer and eating at McDonalds to do our own lawn work. True, our ancestors used to all do their own yardwork, but they didn't have digital cable, or high speed internet porn.

Babies poop all over the place. Poop smells.

With the plastic advances I wrote of, we can learn to genetically engineer 18 year olds that are ready to marry, start college and contribute to society. We would also cut down on shitty teen poetry, since there would be no depressed teenagers. This would save on a whole other slew of things, such as goth makeup, and pimple cream. Of course boy bands would have no audience, but they can do landscaping along with child care workers.

Killing babies would have educational effects as well. Your average two year old has a much lower IQ than an average 16 year old, along with a much lower vocabulary. If a two year old was reading street signs out the window of a car, their parents would be shocked and amazed, possibly even crashing the car into a 10 ton tractor trailer, killing everyone inside in a fiery crash. If a 16 year old was reading street signs out of the window of a car for the first time, the parent would turn the car around and take them to a clinic for possible mental retardation testing. So, our national IQ would go up, through the roof, possibly getting within 20 points of Japan.

Lastly, within the last few years, celebrities have been bringing back the old tradition of naming their babies really stupid names. One example is Apple. Although at least she's one of the few new babies that actually has her own logo, until Paris Hilton inevitably has a baby and names it Sony Night Vision, although with her genes, unless she procreates with Stephen Hawking, her child will probably be speaking her first words at the age of 16.

Link Posted: 9/26/2004 2:07:38 PM EDT
As a former baby myself, I have to come down on the side of them having a net positive impact on society.
Link Posted: 9/26/2004 2:13:44 PM EDT
There is such a thing as too many of just about anything. How 'bout just throttling back a bit on the old procreation thing. Many benefits to that without wholesale slaughter.

Link Posted: 9/26/2004 2:19:31 PM EDT
Seek professional help.
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