11/03/2004, 1:04 AM EST
James Bettendorf, Daily Diem staff writer
After the devastating blow of Ohio being handed to incumbent President George W. Bush, bringing the Texas politician's total estimated electoral vote count to 266, just four short of a win, Senator John F. Kerry appeared outside one of his homes in Boston.
"What the fuck is this! Has this entire fucking country gone batshit loco? I've pulled votes out of my ass that were better than this," the Senator from Massachusetts and Presidential hopeful said. He went on to say, "I swear to god, I will kill you all! I will fucking crush you! This country is mine, and no two-bit cowboy from Crawford is going to take it from me!"
Senator Kerry then pulled out an explosive device and attempted to detonate it, whereupon an alert member of the crowd threw him a football. The Senator failed to catch it, providing a hilarious photo-op, and became momentarily distracted, allowing police time to wrestle him to the ground and arrest him for felony assault and twelve counts of being a total fag in public. His wife declined to pay bail, stating that she "never really liked the dipshit anyway."
It is unknown whether or not this can legally be counted as a concession on the part of either candidate. More on this as it develops.
hmm, must be a bad link (hopefully not a bad joke at this timing) Link isn't working.