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9/22/2017 12:11:25 AM
Posted: 8/22/2005 7:52:16 AM EDT
How tough is it to have/raise children? Financially, emotionally, time, socially, etc. It's getting to be time to start a family and it's honestly freaking me out. My wife is all for it, but I'm concerned. All I've heard is how much money it costs, and how it's forced them to change their lives, etc. What's the straight deal on it all?
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 7:53:58 AM EDT
Short answer, and in all honesty.

If your main concern is what it will do to you financially then you DO NOT need kids.
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 7:56:57 AM EDT
Your life almost goes back to normal after they move out...almost

GM
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 7:59:28 AM EDT

Originally Posted By TexasSIG:
Short answer, and in all honesty.

If your main concern is what it will do to you financially then you DO NOT need kids.



+1.
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 8:00:52 AM EDT

Originally Posted By TexasSIG:
Short answer, and in all honesty.

If your main concern is what it will do to you financially then you DO NOT need kids.



I disagree. I think many many people do not think about it enough and end up living off the .gov's teat.

IE: Democrats.
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 8:01:30 AM EDT
What I've heard is that you'll never feel you're completely ready on some levels, be they financial or whatever. If you want them, just have them and you'll make do, provided your finances are basically sound.
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 8:01:33 AM EDT
I never realized the amount of free time I USED to have before we had kids.
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 8:01:38 AM EDT
I didn't know what life was all about till my first boy.
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 8:02:16 AM EDT
Everything I have ever done in my entire life was structured toward being a parent. Now that I am one (for 7 years), everything in my life is structured toward letting my children be children.

Parenting is not for everyone. I only pray that those who are not ready for it realize such beforehand.
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 8:09:06 AM EDT
Kids are very expensive, but they are worth every penny.
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 8:10:31 AM EDT

Having a child changes almost everything in your life.
It's the most challenging, rewarding, scary, happy thing that has ever happened in my 48 yrs.

My situation is a bit different, as I am single, and have full custody, and no contact from my son's "mother" since he was 9 months old. I have pretty much flown solo on this for the last 5 yrs. Your situation will be a bit less overwhelming than mine.

Some tips....

Hang out with friends that have kids, see how the dynamic of children works in thier lives.
Take a first aid class, and a couple of parenting classes.
Make advanced plans on care rotations, who gets up when etc., this will eliminate resentments and friction later.
Stand united as parents, sending consistant messages to your kids.
Good parent/bad parent is BS, and alienates the child from one parent.
Did I say constantly communicate with your spouse?
Raising a child was something I didn't know I had in me, to be honest.
I didnt want kids, and was well, in a very bizzare relationship.
The end result was my son.
He is the blessing of my life, my pride and joy, and a pain in the butt, LOL.

Good luck!
DaddyDett

Link Posted: 8/22/2005 8:11:07 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 8/22/2005 8:14:03 AM EDT by Defcon]
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 8:14:46 AM EDT

Originally Posted By DzlBenz:
Everything I have ever done in my entire life was structured toward being a parent. Now that I am one (for 7 years), everything in my life is structured toward letting my children be children.

Parenting is not for everyone. I only pray that those who are not ready for it realize such beforehand.




Bingo

I never realized the impact it would have on me. Its hard work and that needs to be remembered and considered. It is another full time job.

Probably the single best thing to ever happen to me.
this is my desktop at work


Link Posted: 8/22/2005 8:19:17 AM EDT

Originally Posted By TexasSIG:
Short answer, and in all honesty.

If your main concern is what it will do to you financially then you DO NOT need kids.




+1

Kids require a total investment, financially, emotionally, time, energy, etc.

They are a huge responsibility.

And they are worth it.

However, you have to be willing to make the necessary sacrifices that accompany parenthood. There is more to it than feeding them and giving them a place to sleep.
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 8:27:53 AM EDT
$$$ thing is BS.
Being in a STABLE relationship is EVERYTHING.
As someones else said, never knew how much free time I had before they came along,but worth it X 1 million.Wish we'd had a few more.Seriously,and I'm from a family of seven!
Some people (self centered/self focused/crackheads) should NEVER be parents.
I never understood how people claim kids cost so much.Of course,ours aren't yet in college,but no one paid my way,or my wifes,for that matter.Kids don't HAVE to have the latest cloths,toys,etc.What they need is your time and love.Money is no replacement
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 8:29:09 AM EDT
You can raise three kids for eighteen years or save up and buy Norway. Your choice.

Link Posted: 8/22/2005 8:50:16 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Swindle1984:
You can raise three kids for eighteen years or save up and buy Norway. Your choice.




Clothes: Buy on sale and slightly oversize,then hand 'em down.I got my cousins' clothes AFTER my older brother got done,then my younger brother got the remnants.We do the same.At least with the boys.Plus, Tshirts,jeans ,and sweats are unisex!Buy yard sales/thrift stores if need to.
Food: On sale,bulk,grow and kill your own.But then again, the wife COOKS.Not just heating prepackaged, convenience foods.Healthier too.
Childcare:Sorry.That's the PARENTS'S job.We care for our own.Why pay strangers to raise your kids?We sacrifice so that things work that way,but it's important.Plus,subtract childcare,work clothes,fuel,etc, from the average "working" mother's salary,and what's the net? And I can tell you what the loss is-her children's most formative years.
Education: We homeschool,so our expenses are considerably higher than most,what with books,materials,etc,plus we're still paying our "share" to the teachers union ,er, I mean school system.College-wife and I both went.On our own.Took me a few extra years,working nights,and a few semesters off to earn more funds,but we did it.Rant off.dave
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 8:55:49 AM EDT
In my experience, money has been the easiest part of having a kid.

I also think that it's irresponsible/abnormal to not worry about having enough money. I did it.

IM me if you need to, I'd be glad to talk with you about it.
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 8:58:38 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Defcon:

Originally Posted By DOW:
What I've heard is that you'll never feel you're completely ready on some levels, be they financial or whatever. If you want them, just have them and you'll make do, provided your finances are basically sound.



Exactly!



Big +1. If you wait until you feel you're ready, you'll never have kids. (I've got an 11yo and a 13yo, both boys.)

Kids are the E-ticket ride. It's hard, hard, work--100% responsibility, 100% of the time. You're going to be tired, broke, frustrated and drained--sometimes all at the same time.

You're also going to have the opportunity to have someone call you "dad,' be able to mold and guide a young mind, share in their discoveries and joys in this world, and have the kind of simple, clean fun that you can only have with a child.

The benefits of that third paragraph far, far, far outweigh the costs in the second.

You don't have to be a parent, but if you become one, the best interests of your child should be your primary concern. That doesn't mean you don't get to have fun; it means you should be willing to sacrifice your time, money and energyfor your kid's sake. They may not remember every time you paid attention to them, but they will remember every time you DIDN'T because you were selfish.

Two other things: You are NOT supposed to be your child's friend. Someone's got to lead, and it's supposed to be you.

Also, keep in mind you were a family the moment you said "I do," not when you have kids. Your relationship with your wife will set the foundation for the relationship your kids will have. If they feel they are in a safe, secure family, they will have less reason to act out. Especially in the first four years or so (when the children demand so much time and attention), it's critical that you spend time focusing on the husband-wife relationship and keeping that strong.
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 9:04:30 AM EDT
Money will get tight at times.
You will have no more free time.
You will find yourself on a car lot, looking at mini-vans.
You will get puked, peed and pooped on.
You will develop a new understanding of what you put your parents through.
Your parents will laugh at you when you tell them what you are going through.
If it's expensive, rare, or both, it will get broken.


It is worth it. I wouldn't trade my 3 girls for anything. They know that grumpy ol' dad (me) would kick a dragon's ass for them.
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 9:07:04 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 8/22/2005 9:25:59 AM EDT by LonePathfinder]
Like it or not having kids COST MONEY!!! The just having them part costs a lot even with insurance to cover hospital bills.

Any couple should do a budget to see if they can afford a kid. It’s irresponsible to have children and not be able to pay for everything off your two wages.

I think there should be an intelligence test and a test to prove you can afford it before you have kids.

Raising kids in a ghetto only makes them criminals 90% of the time. I know it’s almost class warfare, but if poor people couldn't have kids there wouldn't be 90% of the crime there is. A lot of thugs come from places with no future that’s reasonable attainable (not justifying them, kill them all for all I care) but to really solve the problem you got to quit letting crack hoes and slutty teenagers from having kids.

If you have a kid at 17 and never marry chances are your going to be a looser the rest of your life. You will have no education etc. What kind of life is that for the kid? Their chances of success in life are slim to none. More than likely they will be moving in to the trailer next to you when their 16 and pregnant by Joe Bob.

Besides there are to many people in the world. People should be having two to three kids max. Basically replacements for the parents. Just my not so humble opinion

Edit I just recently read somewhere that it costs 300,000 dollars to raise a kid until their 18, and thats without college expenses which could nearly double that.
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 9:11:17 AM EDT
If you wait till you ar efinancially ready you will never have kids.

My son was born 16 days ago, sure I have gotten less sleep, his mom even less than me, but it is all good. AS for cost, well there were soem big ticket items that had to be bought, but family bought them all, and we are given more clothes than he could possibly wear before he grows out of them.



I am not concerned about cost, I am sure it will go higher once he is in school, but even then it shoudl not be so bad. We arenot going to load him up on toys and TVs and all that other crap, might get him a saddle when he is old enough for one though, other than that he gets hand-me-downs, as will his Brothers and Sisters when they come.


You can make parenthood th emost expensive thing in your world, or make it less so and still be good parents and raise good children
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 9:12:10 AM EDT
Having kids is a bigger commintment than getting married.
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 9:13:29 AM EDT
The straight deal on it all is that kids require most of your time and a bunch of your money. Mostly, they need lots of love, discipline, positive reinforcement, training, supervision, and a stable environment. Its hard to explain, but if you are thinking about these things in a negative way, then you are not ready. Actually, you,re never really ready for the first one, but thats another post. Since you are not dealing with an accident already on the way, I would advise you to evaluate your life, finances, relationship, and future before you bring a child into this world. If you are in doubt, wait. Good luck with your decision.
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 9:16:13 AM EDT

Originally Posted By goodmedicine:
Your life almost goes back to normal after they move out...almost

GM



Until the divorce and they move back in with grandkids............
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 9:18:02 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 8/22/2005 9:18:21 AM EDT by No_Serfing]
In the time between when your wife gives birth and the baby is placed in your arms you will go through a painful, traumatic, physical transformation that will change you from a confident, selfish, idiot into a daddy. Years later when you finally get a good nights sleep, you will realize that your perspective as a person without kids was irrelavent.
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 9:18:59 AM EDT

Originally Posted By OHGUNNER:
I never realized the amount of free time I USED to have before we had kids.



Amen.



Originally Posted By FordGuy:
I didn't know what life was all about till my first boy.



And amen.
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 9:20:56 AM EDT
There will never be a good time to do it. But, somehow you'll manage. It'l change your life for sure, but it's a lot of fun. Really is, way more than AR's.
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 9:21:57 AM EDT

Originally Posted By HardShell:


Originally Posted By FordGuy:
I didn't know what life was all about till my first boy.



And amen.



One more BIG AMEN!
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 9:24:24 AM EDT
money= daycare costs more that our house payment.

I would gladly keep paying daycre if it meant my wife and I could have some free time

You will ove the time with the kids, but you also NEED to get away.
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 9:26:31 AM EDT
My wife and I had our son when I was 20 y/o, almost 21. She was 23. We were not mentally prepared, and definitely not financially prepared.

That said, I would trade him for ANYTHING. You learn as you go, and the best you can do is do the best you can do. Make sure they have food, cloths, ATTENTION, ect...

Having the time, or making the time to spend with a child to teach them right from wrong, teach them their parents are there for them ect...is going to be more important then most anything else.
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 9:31:00 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Cleatus:
money= daycare costs more that our house payment.

I would gladly keep paying daycre if it meant my wife and I could have some free time

You will ove the time with the kids, but you also NEED to get away.



Negative. Day care is evil. Parents should be raising children. Not the village idiot.
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 9:34:53 AM EDT
Becoming a dad will make a good man better, and a bad man worse. You'llhave remarkably little free time and NO 'daycare' is a substitute for a parent at home. Some folks will work different shifts so someone is home with the children, we elected to have the Princess stay home until the children were old enough. Plans kinda changed with the accident I ws in, so now I am at home with SBK while she is at work. It's worth it. SBK is a quuietly confident, chatty, friendly and secure little man. He is the way he is becuase we raised him to be this way.

Without a doubt, parenting is the most difficult task imaginable. It is by far the most rewarding thing a man can do.

Ops
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 9:35:55 AM EDT
Get a dog.
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 9:36:29 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 8/22/2005 9:37:11 AM EDT by Admiral_Crunch]

Originally Posted By sae057:
That said, I would trade him for ANYTHING.



Freudian slip?

(I'll give you my old laserdisc player for him! )
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 9:56:46 AM EDT
I should've prefaced this by saying that I'm a college grad, I'm turning 30 next month, we've been married for 5 years, have recently purchased a condo, we both work, the Mrs. is taking a college course (and will finish next summer) and will then be working out of the home (i.e. continued dual income, no day care).

I just worry a lot, and I'm not sure it's always justified. If I were irresponsible, then I wouldn't give a shit, right?
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 10:01:02 AM EDT
What? You think kids DON'T change your life?

And the main goal of marriage is to HAVE kids.

Sgat1r5
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 10:01:47 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Sharkman_75:
I should've prefaced this by saying that I'm a college grad, I'm turning 30 next month, we've been married for 5 years, have recently purchased a condo, we both work, the Mrs. is taking a college course (and will finish next summer) and will then be working out of the home (i.e. continued dual income, no day care).

I just worry a lot, and I'm not sure it's always justified. If I were irresponsible, then I wouldn't give a shit, right?



You are ready. Many have done it with a lot less. First few months you won't get much sleep. but when you daughter or son first calls you "Dad", it will bring a warm smile to your face.
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 10:11:51 AM EDT
It will give you a new definition of Shock and Awe...
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 10:16:45 AM EDT
No offense but any one short of a someone with millions should have no places trying to raise a child in todays world.....you have any idea the costs involvd to give them a good upbringing? Does the world even NEED any more people?

I guess if you want to hand over the best years of your life to someone else.....seems absolutely idiotic to me.
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 11:14:01 AM EDT
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 11:20:26 AM EDT
I love my two boys more than anything else . . .

Link Posted: 8/22/2005 11:22:08 AM EDT

Originally Posted By TomJefferson:
You know my wife and I always said we wouldn't have children till we grew up. Then one day we looked at each other and realized we were never going to grow up. Being older parents we learned a lot from our pears and will share some of that with you.

The most miserable parents have children thinking it will change their lives forever and they hold what they gave up against the children. Don't fall into this trap. Determine from the outset that you aren't chaning your life for the child but adding to the child to yours. Yes things will change and you will adapt but not as much nor will you hold it against the child if you planned to include them from the outstart. The only thing I can think of that a child prevents you from doing is going to bars. Think about it. I didn't give up a thing and my son enjoys camping, boating, fishing, motorcycling, music, and shooting I could go on and on.

Money isn't important to raising children. Bold statement I know but it's the truth. You as a parent is what is important and how you mold the child will determine their success in life. I have friend that had six kids. Working for the city he lived in what I considered poverty. A devoted father, I never was around better children and now grownup they repeat the cycle with most of them college grads or otherwise gainfully employed with wonderful children of their own. It's simply not that important but you are.

I won't tell you it's easy for it's a labor but a labor of love. Nothing is more rewarding than watching your child develop into an adult with the morals and ethics you gave them. It is your immortality on this planet and legacy. Immortality and legacy are big words and they don't come easy but with work, however it is the most enjoyable work of a mans lifetime. I'm so sorry I waited so long.

We as a generation have an up on our parents or grandparents for we can decide when and if we have childrien. They didn't have the luxury likewise we don't have to fall into their traps.

The only reason and concern one should have for having a child is wanting one. You want one and everything else will fall into place.

Hell just by asking this question you told me you will be fine parent. It's the ones that dont' think of this shit that aren't. They're the ones having children for their own selfish reasons from holding a marriage together to what is expected of them. Having children has eveything to do with sharing your life. No it's not like having a puppy for that's taking care of an animal and you share nothing. Having a child is sharing everything material and heart and soul.

Tj






+1 TJ, nice writeup.
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 11:30:41 AM EDT
Lets' see,

life before kids:

lots of free time, do what you want, when you want
lots of sex
lots of spare money
corvette, motorcycles

life after kids:

no free time, everything must be planned around school,karate, soccer, violin lessons
sex? whats that?
spare money? what the hell is that?
minivans and strollers

One smile from my daughter Sara makes it all worthwhile though.

Love my kids though just wish I had them a bit earlier in life, had my first at 26 and my last at 36.

Link Posted: 8/22/2005 11:34:50 AM EDT
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 2:02:12 PM EDT

Originally Posted By TomJefferson:
You know my wife and I always said we wouldn't have children till we grew up. Then one day we looked at each other and realized we were never going to grow up. Being older parents we learned a lot from our pears and will share some of that with you.

The most miserable parents have children thinking it will change their lives forever and they hold what they gave up against the children. Don't fall into this trap. Determine from the outset that you aren't chaning your life for the child but adding to the child to yours. Yes things will change and you will adapt but not as much nor will you hold it against the child if you planned to include them from the outstart. The only thing I can think of that a child prevents you from doing is going to bars. Think about it. I didn't give up a thing and my son enjoys camping, boating, fishing, motorcycling, music, and shooting I could go on and on.

Money isn't important to raising children. Bold statement I know but it's the truth. You as a parent is what is important and how you mold the child will determine their success in life. I have friend that had six kids. Working for the city he lived in what I considered poverty. A devoted father, I never was around better children and now grownup they repeat the cycle with most of them college grads or otherwise gainfully employed with wonderful children of their own. It's simply not that important but you are.

I won't tell you it's easy for it's a labor but a labor of love. Nothing is more rewarding than watching your child develop into an adult with the morals and ethics you gave them. It is your immortality on this planet and legacy. Immortality and legacy are big words and they don't come easy but with work, however it is the most enjoyable work of a mans lifetime. I'm so sorry I waited so long.

We as a generation have an up on our parents or grandparents for we can decide when and if we have childrien. They didn't have the luxury likewise we don't have to fall into their traps.

The only reason and concern one should have for having a child is wanting one. You want one and everything else will fall into place.

Hell just by asking this question you told me you will be fine parent. It's the ones that dont' think of this shit that aren't. They're the ones having children for their own selfish reasons from holding a marriage together to what is expected of them. Having children has eveything to do with sharing your life. No it's not like having a puppy for that's taking care of an animal and you share nothing. Having a child is sharing everything material and heart and soul.

Tj






Wow. Thanks, TJ. That helps.

A LOT
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 2:13:10 PM EDT

Originally Posted By sgtar15:
What? You think kids DON'T change your life?

And the main goal of marriage is to HAVE kids.

Sgat1r5



I always like to tell people that kids will "Suck the life" out of you .

But seriously, my wife and I got married to HAVE kids. I wanted to wait until we were on a better financial footing but as my wife kept telling me "if you think like this, it will never be the right time". She was right. I listened to my wife and we had 3 wonderful kids. Think about it, most people have kids early in life when they are least established and they find a way to make it work.

There are a lot of hard times and problems, but there is also a joy that only a child can bring. I wouldn’t change a thing.

Now, I need to go home tonight and deal with my 17 year old for getting pissed and punching a hole in the wall. I'm having a really shit day and my wife calls to be sure I get home early so I can kill him.

It's a learning experience for both kid and parent. Now he gets to learn how to stay home and repair drywall!

Bottom line, don't worry so much. Just DO IT!
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 2:14:09 PM EDT

Originally Posted By OHGUNNER:
I never realized the amount of free time I USED to have before we had kids.





Your lives will no longer be your own.

Not so much the "doting, stage parent" stereotype, but all of your activities will involve the kids, or arranging for their care, once you have them.

And even if you arrange a sitter / daycare, you'll still worry about them.

Your sleep schedule will suffer - even when they finally sleep through the night.

Was that a noise?


Originally posted by DzlBenz:

Everything I have ever done in my entire life was structured toward being a parent. Now that I am one (for 7 years), everything in my life is structured toward letting my children be children.

Parenting is not for everyone. I only pray that those who are not ready for it realize such beforehand.





I don't think anyone who doesn't already have kids is ever truly "ready" for parenthood. (I'll also agree that many folks who have children are nowhere near parents - they're simply breeders )

I know things were very different going from becoming "Dad" to a 7 year old and then having a newborn in the house years later. Similarities, yes, but very different - mostly because of the behavioral differences between a baby and a child.

Money situation sucks.


Finding bits of something of Dad's () in pieces with my 2 year old telling me "kitty did it" sucks.


Having to pull over and change her into her permanantly soiled play clothes because, even though you changed her just before you left, your daughter has managed to find the "one in one million" manufacturing defect in her diapers and has explosively defecated all over the new outfit you put her in to surprise Mommy at work sucks. (and stinks)


But I wouldn't change a thing.

<­BR>

OK, maybe the money part
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 2:39:06 PM EDT
By chance, while reading your question i was cleaning out my desk a bit.
Suprisingly enough my file of "daddy things" was what i had pulled out as the page came up
my daugher is now 27, doing well, single, no kids, good job, owns her home, dating a nice man, good relationship with myself and her mom and living a good life.
Here are the hand made cards, locks of hair, baby teeth, daddy pics. report cards, ribbons and bows, a stick with a black ribbon, "look daddy i made you a knife" just a few favorite things of her childhood that just said "I love you Daddy" when she presented them to me. Usually it was a pic for the fridge, or just something she felt really proud of. Most of it ends up on the rubble pile of childhood.
But, sometimes I knew it was something i should hold onto, so into this box they went.
20, 25 years later, big daddy still wells up with a few tears, heart still beats a bit faster and that stupid grin shows up on my mug.

They're still hugs from my baby girl today as way back when. yeah, worth every penny.
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