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Posted: 4/18/2017 10:23:11 AM EDT
[#1]
Depression really sucks. Just try to be understanding and therw for her op. Sorry i couldnt give anything other than that.
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Posted: 4/18/2017 10:24:44 AM EDT
[#2]
Post partum depression is a real thing. Should've intervened sooner, but good she is going now tham ever. It may be worth your while to separately see a counselor to learn how to work with it.
If your work has EAP, use it. Usually most EAPs offer at least 3 visits if not 6, free of charge. |
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Posted: 4/18/2017 10:26:38 AM EDT
[#3]
Post partum depression is chemical. Theres no reason for it and she needs medical and professional help now. Many women commit suicide because they can't see a way out. Because there's not "a way" out because its chemical/physical and can last for years. Intervene now and give her your full support.
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Posted: 4/18/2017 10:30:37 AM EDT
[#4]
Seek pro help
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Posted: 4/18/2017 10:30:40 AM EDT
[#5]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Post partum depression is a real thing. Should've intervened sooner, but good she is going now tham ever. It may be worth your while to separately see a counselor to learn how to work with it. If your work has EAP, use it. Usually most EAPs offer at least 3 visits if not 6, free of charge. |
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Posted: 4/18/2017 10:32:12 AM EDT
[#6]
Quoted:
About a year after our daughter was born, I noticed a change in my wife’s personality. She went from happy and energetic, to sad and grumpy with no motivation to do much of anything anymore. Sometimes she’ll just go to bed right after she gets home from work...because “all she wants to do it sleep”. One day she’s fine, the next day she’ll break down in tears over something as small as our daughter being a little fussy……the dog not wanting to walk very well on the leash…..or me using the wrong towel to dry my face off with (yes, I’m serious). It’s definitely not rational behavior…..and it’s very frustrating and stressful to see her like that, especially when she goes from happy to screaming at me like she hates me....or she’s crying about how she can “deal with it anymore”. The problem is…there is no “it”. It’s very hard for me to deal with. Luckily I’m a very passive person, so I’m pretty good at diffusing the situation and not making it worse. But, I can only suck up so much of her depression and bad attitude/craziness….it’s starting to take its toll on me…and I definitely don’t want my daughter to be exposed to it. It’s been going on for about a year now, and I’ve finally convinced her to go see a counselor to at least try to talk through things and see what’s going on..maybe give her some medication to see if that helps. She knows somethings wrong, she doesn’t like how she feels all the time….there is no rational reason for her to be depressed…..none at all. We have a happy, healthy family…no money stress, no real stress at all….she knows there is no reason to be depressed, but she is. I’m a very logical person…and this whole thing makes no sense to me at all. I’m just wondering if anyone else has had to deal with something like this……and if so, what helped to fix it? Thats not how depression works... What you are thinking of is just being sad. You need a reason to be sad. Depression often occurs in people who have no reasons to be sad. My advise is to encourage her to see someone. Medication can be helpful in getting to the right place mentally for therapy to be effective, but IMO they are a poor long term solution for many people. Routine exercise has been shown to be about as effective as SSRIs, so go that route too. Do it together. In the end, meditation is IMO the best tool for the job, but it takes a lot of work and if she is in a hopeless place right now, she wont give enough of a fuck to try and stick to it. Hence, start with therapy and if recommended, meds. Sorry man. Just try to be supportive and understanding. She doesnt want to feel like this and it doesnt have to be forever... Part of the reason I think doctors are a poor long term solution is that some (not all) focus too much on the "you're sick" mantra, and make it seem like there is no escape - just a lifetime of medication and therapy. I dont believe that anymore. Feel free to IM me. edit: I dont know much about PPD but I've heard of it occurring a year or more after birth. Your wife's body is still changing hormonally (things like the baby crying affects her hormones, crazy I know...) |
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Posted: 4/18/2017 10:32:55 AM EDT
[#7]
My wife had a hard time after our last child. Couldn't lose weight, no energy. Not as sensitive as your wife, but the low-energy symptoms, which may exacerbating the moods.
She had thyroid cancer. Got the thyroid pulled, entirely. Hasn't been a fix, since the hormones are not there any longer and regulating with synthetics is apparently more magic than science. Encourage your wife to get checked out physically as well as visiting the counselor. |
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Posted: 4/18/2017 10:33:02 AM EDT
[#8]
My wife got the blues a little after our kids, but snapped out of it fast.
Sounds like she needs some medical help. Did she jump back on birth control after the kid was born? My wife hasn't been able to use birth control since her early 20's. It would make her extremely grumpy and she would have a lot of the early signs of depression with it. I made her get off it after we moved in together and she felt much better, I don't think I'm going to let my daughters get on it when it's time after seeing how it affected their mother. |
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Posted: 4/18/2017 10:33:20 AM EDT
[#9]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Would post partum depression fire up a year after our daughter was born? I always thought it was a problem right after childbirth. Tell you how much I don't know about it..... |
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Posted: 4/18/2017 10:34:16 AM EDT
[#10]
More bipolar/borderline went nuts and tried to kill me.
Eject. |
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Posted: 4/18/2017 10:34:19 AM EDT
[#11]
Hope everything works out bud.
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Posted: 4/18/2017 10:36:27 AM EDT
[#12]
It might be post partum, it might be any of a number of other things.
I'd start with requesting a full hormonal panel and see if anything is out of whack. A very common problem that doctors rarely test for is thyroid imbalance from iodine deficiency, it's become super common lately because people use fancy sea salt instead of iodized. |
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Posted: 4/18/2017 10:37:13 AM EDT
[#13]
In addition to maybe seeking out mental health, I would also suggest she engage her PCP and explain what's going on. Get a full blood test panel done to check hormones, thyroid levels, etc.
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Posted: 4/18/2017 10:39:34 AM EDT
[#14]
Sorry to hear about your situation. Therapy has been helpful for a loved one of mine but the most effective method to alleviate the depression has been something called TMS "Transcranial magnetic stimulation." Drugs like SSRIs and SNRIs worked in the short term but stopped working after a few months and that only worsened the situation. You just need to be patient, loving, supportive, and observant.
I wish you and your wife the best. |
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Posted: 4/18/2017 10:40:15 AM EDT
[#15]
Are you sure she wanted kids?
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Posted: 4/18/2017 10:43:16 AM EDT
[#16]
My wife went through it after our second son. Doc put her on some happy pills for a month or 2 and she came back around. She didn't want to be around the boys or really do anything either. Definitely talk about it to her. That was the best thing for her. I think that helped more than anything, not leaving her in the dark about what to do. She's the greatest mom and it fucked me up knowing this could happen to her of all people.
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Posted: 4/18/2017 10:44:57 AM EDT
[#17]
Get professional help now. Also, be sure to go with her to all of the doctor's appointments to make sure the doctor is fully informed. You don't want a kid to grow up in this environment and it only gets worse. Ask me how I know.
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Posted: 4/18/2017 10:47:16 AM EDT
[#18]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Are you sure she wanted kids? |
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Posted: 4/18/2017 10:49:47 AM EDT
[#19]
I dealt with it for years after my wife's brother was killed in a bad accident.
She stopped bathing regularly. Didn't want to get out of bed. Her business fell apart. Emotionally she was either flat or complete despair. She'd push me away a lot if I tried to help. It took medication, counseling, and time for things to work out. Her brother getting killed led to her depression which led to her business failing. It overwhelmed her with a snowballing effect. Good luck OP. It's a hard fucking path to walk and I'd be lying if I didn't say I felt like bailing a couple times. She needs help and you need someone to talk to about what's going on. Meeting with a mental health professional will help you vent your frustration and learn about the effects of severe depression. |
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Posted: 4/18/2017 10:50:17 AM EDT
[#20]
"Depression" is a VERY misunderstood thing in modern American culture because we use the same word ("Depression") to describe two VERY different things with VERY different causes yet have almost IDENTICAL symptoms.
Example 1: Your beloved dog dies: You seem "depressed" and appear sad and moody for weeks. Example 2: Your brain chemistry alters due to a significant emotional event: You seem "depressed" and appear sad and moody for weeks. One can get over the death of a dog. BUT! One cannot get over a brain chemistry alteration any more than a guy with 20/450 vision can "get over" being nearsighted. OP, I strongly recommend your wife first go see a doctor who can do bloodwork to rule out vitamin deficiency, and/or a girly doc who can see if it is hormonal. Then, take her to see a psychiatrist who can diagnose her (if applicable). I was on an SSRi for a while after a traumatic experience, and it helped level me out for a couple of years until I was well enough to get off it. If a person's brain chemistry is fucked up, the person CAN recover with the help of anti-depressants and it's not permanent. But no amount of "cheer up" can fix it (see reference to near-sightedness above). Good luck and I will pray for you guys. |
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Posted: 4/18/2017 10:50:26 AM EDT
[#21]
She can get out if this, it's just a process she needs to go through and be patient with.
Have her see family doc and mental health pro. Be willing to see different ones if the current people don't work out. Once a week get a babysitter and really reconnect. You are both busy and it takes a few minutes to get pass the shallow day-to-day things and revive the relationship that originally brought you together. It's during this time that you let each other know what you really need. Both of these solutions have helped us out. |
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Posted: 4/18/2017 10:51:40 AM EDT
[#22]
FYI: Note that Clinical Depression is NOT just always being sad. It is actually the absence of feeling sad or happy. "Apathy" is the best term I was told when I had it, and it fit me to a T.
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Posted: 4/18/2017 10:52:07 AM EDT
[#23]
Quoted:
About a year after our daughter was born, I noticed a change in my wife’s personality. She went from happy and energetic, to sad and grumpy with no motivation to do much of anything anymore. Sometimes she’ll just go to bed right after she gets home from work...because “all she wants to do it sleep”. One day she’s fine, the next day she’ll break down in tears over something as small as our daughter being a little fussy……the dog not wanting to walk very well on the leash…..or me using the wrong towel to dry my face off with (yes, I’m serious). It’s definitely not rational behavior…..and it’s very frustrating and stressful to see her like that, especially when she goes from happy to screaming at me like she hates me....or she’s crying about how she can “deal with it anymore”. The problem is…there is no “it”. It’s very hard for me to deal with. Luckily I’m a very passive person, so I’m pretty good at diffusing the situation and not making it worse. But, I can only suck up so much of her depression and bad attitude/craziness….it’s starting to take its toll on me…and I definitely don’t want my daughter to be exposed to it. It’s been going on for about a year now, and I’ve finally convinced her to go see a counselor to at least try to talk through things and see what’s going on..maybe give her some medication to see if that helps. She knows somethings wrong, she doesn’t like how she feels all the time….there is no rational reason for her to be depressed…..none at all. We have a happy, healthy family…no money stress, no real stress at all….she knows there is no reason to be depressed, but she is. I’m a very logical person…and this whole thing makes no sense to me at all. I’m just wondering if anyone else has had to deal with something like this……and if so, what helped to fix it? Passivity is a bad thing. You don't help a partner who's hurting and you lose your partner's respect by letting them be a jerk to you. Passivity kills marriages and friendships. |
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Posted: 4/18/2017 10:52:52 AM EDT
[#24]
Depression is some bad shit, I've been battling it for years. I have a good job, good income, and a great wife and I still am just in a general state of blah all the time regardless of how hard I try to stay up.
The only thing that really helps for me is being outside in the sunshine. Working in the yard or just being outside really helps my moods and calms me down. I tell my wife all the time that I'm going to start sleeping outside and she just laughs. |
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Posted: 4/18/2017 10:53:57 AM EDT
[#25]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Sorry to hear about your situation. Therapy has been helpful for a loved one of mine but the most effective method to alleviate the depression has been something called TMS "Transcranial magnetic stimulation." Drugs like SSRIs and SNRIs worked in the short term but stopped working after a few months and that only worsened the situation. You just need to be patient, loving, supportive, and observant. I wish you and your wife the best. |
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Posted: 4/18/2017 10:54:10 AM EDT
[#26]
Think of depression as her being turned into a newt...
...and she can get better. True depression is not feeling sad all the time. It is the absence of feeling in many ways. You feel like you are hollow..dead in a way. She needs professional help and both counseling and medication (not one or the other- this is certainly a time to get both) can put her wheels back on. Be aware that depression can lead to people acting out in irrational ways- risk taking behaviors, etc. It is almost a way of proving to themselves they are "still alive". There is no shame in her getting help. |
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Posted: 4/18/2017 10:54:41 AM EDT
[#27]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Depression is some bad shit, I've been battling it for years. I have a good job, good income, and a great wife and I still am just in a general state of blah all the time regardless of how hard I try to stay up. The only thing that really helps for me is being outside in the sunshine. Working in the yard or just being outside really helps my moods and calms me down. I tell my wife all the time that I'm going to start sleeping outside and she just laughs. |
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Posted: 4/18/2017 10:54:53 AM EDT
[#28]
Quoted:
About a year after our daughter was born, I noticed a change in my wife’s personality. She went from happy and energetic, to sad and grumpy with no motivation to do much of anything anymore. Sometimes she’ll just go to bed right after she gets home from work...because “all she wants to do it sleep”. One day she’s fine, the next day she’ll break down in tears over something as small as our daughter being a little fussy……the dog not wanting to walk very well on the leash…..or me using the wrong towel to dry my face off with (yes, I’m serious). It’s definitely not rational behavior…..and it’s very frustrating and stressful to see her like that, especially when she goes from happy to screaming at me like she hates me....or she’s crying about how she can “deal with it anymore”. The problem is…there is no “it”. It’s very hard for me to deal with. Luckily I’m a very passive person, so I’m pretty good at diffusing the situation and not making it worse. But, I can only suck up so much of her depression and bad attitude/craziness….it’s starting to take its toll on me…and I definitely don’t want my daughter to be exposed to it. It’s been going on for about a year now, and I’ve finally convinced her to go see a counselor to at least try to talk through things and see what’s going on..maybe give her some medication to see if that helps. She knows somethings wrong, she doesn’t like how she feels all the time….there is no rational reason for her to be depressed…..none at all. We have a happy, healthy family…no money stress, no real stress at all….she knows there is no reason to be depressed, but she is. I’m a very logical person…and this whole thing makes no sense to me at all. I’m just wondering if anyone else has had to deal with something like this……and if so, what helped to fix it? |
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Posted: 4/18/2017 10:55:24 AM EDT
[#29]
welcome to marriage...
If you think it's bad now, just wait for menopause, or you can just commit suicide and save yourself the grief. 
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Posted: 4/18/2017 10:56:01 AM EDT
[#30]
Is she still breastfeeding?
Is she on hormonal BC? |
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Posted: 4/18/2017 10:56:22 AM EDT
[#31]
Went thru something similar with an exwife. She become bipolar, nothing was right, everything I did was wrong, etc. The only way I could get her to counciling was to let her think she was taking me to get me straightened out. The councilor saw what was really going on and got her to go to a mental health expert who got her the meds she needed to balance out. The big problem was getting her to take them consistently. She would lie about taking her meds and slip back into a depressed state.
It's a long road but you have to be diligent. Remember this, your wife needs you even though she can't see it or tell you that. It's a thankless job but she needs you. I lost my ex to depression which led her to drugs and sleeping with everybody and the last I heard, she was still as messed up as years ago and still destroying anyone that gets involved with her. |
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Posted: 4/18/2017 10:57:33 AM EDT
[#32]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
It might be post partum, it might be any of a number of other things. I'd start with requesting a full hormonal panel and see if anything is out of whack. A very common problem that doctors rarely test for is thyroid imbalance from iodine deficiency, it's become super common lately because people use fancy sea salt instead of iodized. |
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Posted: 4/18/2017 10:59:09 AM EDT
[#33]
Best of luck OP. Happened to my ex wife. I lost my career over it and the last time I ever saw her she left in an ambulance after trying to kill herself with a kitchen knife.
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Posted: 4/18/2017 11:11:04 AM EDT
[#34]
Professional help is all I can recommend. Depending on your wife, you may get blamed for her depression and depending on the counselor, they may support her decision to dump your ass. I'm not saying this is your case, but I am saying that you should be prepared.
Then she'll spend years going through men/husbands looking for "happiness" which in her mind may equal shitloads of cash and cars and expensive vacations. |
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Posted: 4/18/2017 11:17:25 AM EDT
[#35]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Went thru something similar with an exwife... The only way I could get her to counciling was to let her think she was taking me to get me straightened out. And here I thought it was just me, at least that's what she tells me...it's all just me. 
If I were a betting man...I wouldn't be putting any cash on us making it to our next anniversary. |
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Posted: 4/18/2017 11:20:16 AM EDT
[#36]
Sounds like post-partem depression. Pretty common.
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Posted: 4/18/2017 11:32:06 AM EDT
[#37]
Depression is one of those things that people who have never experienced just can't wrap their heads around.
Approaching it with logic is the worst way, because there is absolutely no logical way to describe it. The human brain is a messed up ball of electrical wires that fire and spark at regular intervals and places. Make any one of those millions of places or intervals fire out of sequence and you have problems. That's depression. Once you admit you know nothing about it, or can do anything about it on your own, you can start to help. It's tough, but logic has to go away for a little while. The sad thing is that the drugs used for depression are pretty damn rough on the brain. There comes a time in most cases where the person feels so good they stop taking the drugs. This is very bad. Your SO has taken the first steps, be there for her on this rough road and I hope everything comes out well in the end. |
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Posted: 4/18/2017 11:35:50 AM EDT
[#38]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Wow...it happened to you too? And here I thought it was just me, at least that's what she tells me...it's all just me.
If I were a betting man...I wouldn't be putting any cash on us making it to our next anniversary. Damn! Here I thought my story was rare... But yeah, 18 months later and the lever was yanked. |
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Posted: 4/18/2017 11:41:18 AM EDT
[#39]
My wife has had issues with depression due to being permanently disabled.
Professional help is paramount with helping to cope with whatever it is that your wife is dealing with. You love, support and understanding is also critical. That may be really hard sometimes due to the depression being hard to understand. It is hard to understand but the issue is real and obviously affecting your lives. I hope she finds relief. |
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Posted: 4/18/2017 11:46:24 AM EDT
[#40]
Therapy and meds, right now.
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Posted: 4/18/2017 11:50:28 AM EDT
[#41]
post partum and straight up normal depression is real, and it's *CRUSHING*. You don't really understand if you have never had it. It can be hard to breathe sometimes.
Councilor is a good idea, but make sure you see a doctor as well. Finding the solution isn't easy but it's worth it. Depression doesn't have the stigma it did even a few years ago. There are no reasons to "just deal with it", and "try to be happy" doesn't work either. She's got something off in her hormone levels. Docs have many ways to treat it but some of the treatments don't work well, or have adverse side effects. don't give up till you get it right, but understand that getting to what works is going to be a bit of a ride. Sit her down and tell her you love her, and that it's OK, and that you'll get her help, and stick with her through it. as she cycles meds, some days it's going to be worse. My wife went through this, it was terrible. She's a very happy and optimistic person, to see her the other way was hard on me and worse on her. She fought treatment initially, with the "I'll get better", "it's no big deal" and a hundred other reasons not to get treated. one day I made an appointment with her normal doctor, didn't tell her, told her I was taking her for ice cream, and took her to the doctor first. She reluctantly went in, but after broke down and started crying. She has settled on a very gentle but pretty effective antidepressant called welbutrin. It's very gentle and doesn't seem to have any side effects I can notice, but I can tell within a few days if she starts to forget to take it. She even notices. So go get her looked at, be supportive, this isn't her fault. Understand that it's a neurochemical issue and it's fixable. And don't stigmatize her, no labeling and finger pointing, just be loving and supportive and let her know she's not being judged or anything. |
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Posted: 4/18/2017 11:57:13 AM EDT
[#42]
She needs to see a psychiatrist if at all possible. You don't want to settle on anyone less qualified when it comes to a mental health evaluation. A psychiatrist, please!
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Posted: 4/18/2017 11:58:47 AM EDT
[#43]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Get professional help now. Also, be sure to go with her to all of the doctor's appointments to make sure the doctor is fully informed. You don't want a kid to grow up in this environment and it only gets worse. Ask me how I know. |
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Posted: 4/18/2017 12:00:44 PM EDT
[#44]
I faced this twice in my marriage. The first time was for her drinking; I told her to get out - if she went to treatment she could come back, but either way she was leaving. But that was after losing jobs (hers AND mine), a house, damaged and totaled cars, and years of wondering what I was going to find when I got home. My efforts to "help" didn't make things better, it made them worse. The second time I was faced with that choice was after she stopped drinking, and her rampant ADD, depression, and anxiety came out. For almost 2 years she could barely function - the house was a shithole, our finances still sucked, and even the simplest tasks were beyond her. And this time I turned into a giant coward - I had already told her to get out once, and I just couldn't do it again. I had gone from a wife and 2 kids to 3 children, one of whom I couldn't discipline. So I started acting like I was single. You can guess how well that went. A few years ago I told my ex that cheating on her was the second biggest mistake of my life, and that the biggest was not kicking her out when I knew I should. She responded snidely that she would have divorced me; I said "Yes - we'd be in exactly the same position we are now, only 2 years earlier." She didn't understand the difference, because her position would have been the same. But I would have kept my self respect, sense of honor, more of my money, and had a better legal position. That's not her fault - I made my choices, they were simply bad ones. But the years of knowing she needed help and refusing to get it? Grinding away at my love for her until there was nothing left? Yeah, that's on her. Tl;Dr: If she doesn't get her shit together, kick her out and keep the kids, otherwise all of your lifes will be destroyed and not just hers. |
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Posted: 4/18/2017 12:02:19 PM EDT
[#45]
Do get her help, my wife has been suffering from depressing for over ten years.
It has been terrible for both of us, she did get help and it has been a long battle. As of today she is doing good, sad thing is tomorrow she could be doing really bad. |
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Posted: 4/18/2017 12:02:37 PM EDT
[#46]
Been there. Done that. Man do I hate it for you.
Mine didn't end well ... divorce after 14 years of marriage. I'm not happy about that, but when I would inquire or urge her to seek help, I was told it was none of my business. It was completely my business, but she didn't see it that way. Seek counseling. Get a GOOD doctor - not some quack that prescribes things willy-nilly. YMMV |
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Posted: 4/18/2017 12:06:11 PM EDT
[#47]
My neighbor's wife was like that years ago. He told me it was coming home to jeckyl and hyde, never knowing which to expect. Things got much better after she was medicated.
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Posted: 4/18/2017 12:07:22 PM EDT
[#48]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
More bipolar/borderline went nuts and tried to kill me. Eject. My bipolar/borderline tried to kill herself. FIVE times. Finally ejected. OP, not saying you should eject if you love her and she seeks treatment. There are a lot of new meds out there and they can work miracles. |
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Posted: 4/18/2017 12:08:15 PM EDT
[#49]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Would post partum depression fire up a year after our daughter was born? I always thought it was a problem right after childbirth. Tell you how much I don't know about it..... Quote HistoryQuoted:
Quoted:
Post partum depression is a real thing. Should've intervened sooner, but good she is going now tham ever. It may be worth your while to separately see a counselor to learn how to work with it. If your work has EAP, use it. Usually most EAPs offer at least 3 visits if not 6, free of charge. But it doesn't really matter. |
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Posted: 4/18/2017 12:09:04 PM EDT
[#50]
My Wife had depression, still does to some extent but it is better, much much much better. She got hers in law school. What helped her get out of it was setting both sort term and long term goals. After that, she had these bright spots to work toward that were not work.
I am not talking about vacations or stuff like that. I am talking about meaningful things. The one she is currently working toward is a animal sanctuary. It gave her life a lot more purpose, or more stuff to focus on that made her happy. |
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