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9/22/2017 12:11:25 AM
Posted: 9/23/2005 5:39:20 PM EDT
My father in law was diagnosed with Metestatic Melanoma a month or so ago, and had a nickel sized tumor removed from a Lymph node in his neck. Monday he is going to get two more small tumors removed from his neck, and get a biopsy on his liver also. He and my wife are VERY close, as only a father and daughter can be. He is a GREAT man! From what I have read on the net, this is a very bad type of cancer to have. I doubt he will live for too much longer. A few years maybe? I of course am being as supportive as I can to my wife.

Does anyone have any advice to give that is non religious? My wife is religious (somewhat), but he is not.

I would appreciate any and all advice on dealing with this type of problem.


Thanks in advance!


Balming


Balmin­g
Link Posted: 9/23/2005 5:41:01 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 9/23/2005 5:42:21 PM EDT by operatorerror]
A positive attitude has been shown to have some pretty good health benefits.

Give him some hope, what could it hurt?

ETA that prayer has also been shown to have positive health benefits too. Might mention it to him.

No, I'm not a God guy. Just telling you what I've read.
Link Posted: 9/23/2005 5:45:36 PM EDT
I also want to add that he is 59 years old, and is in good health other than the cancer. What's bad is that his favorite pastime is gardening, which he can no longer do safely. The doctors said that he can only go outside in the evening and still has to use spf 50 sunscreen.


Thanks,


Balming
Link Posted: 9/23/2005 5:50:14 PM EDT
Focus on preparation for the inevitable. Get past the denial stage. Involve Hospice as the time nears. Get counciling now. Everyone is different but preparation is the key.
Link Posted: 9/23/2005 5:54:27 PM EDT
Focus on preparation for the inevitable. Get past the denial stage. Involve Hospice as the time nears. Get counciling now. Everyone is different but preparation is the key.

Excellent advice. You and your wife need to remain upbeat. Unfortunately, your father-in-law's prognosis is not good at all. Just be supportive to his needs and make his remaining time comfortable and full of love.

Good luck, man.
Link Posted: 9/23/2005 5:54:58 PM EDT
Link Posted: 9/23/2005 5:59:18 PM EDT

Originally Posted By CS223:
Focus on preparation for the inevitable. Get past the denial stage. Involve Hospice as the time nears. Get counciling now. Everyone is different but preparation is the key.



I lost both my grand parents this year to cancer with in a few months of each other.
Accept the inevitable and make the most of the time you have.
Don't put him in a hospital - it's not right.
I and my family took care of my grandparents until the end - they died in their beds, in their houses, surrounded by their family.
I hope I am that lucky.
Link Posted: 9/23/2005 6:03:49 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 9/23/2005 7:08:24 PM EDT by 1337DO]
My wife recently came down with a form of cancer I will not specify.

For us, we've just addressed the needs of care withouot letting the implications get us down.

Dying is a necessary part of life.

I hope this makes sense.

JOE
Link Posted: 9/23/2005 7:01:40 PM EDT

Originally Posted By CS223:
Focus on preparation for the inevitable. Get past the denial stage. Involve Hospice as the time nears. Get counciling now. Everyone is different but preparation is the key.



+1

Say the things you should say… have those talks.

What time is left is going a lot quicker than you think it will.
Link Posted: 9/23/2005 7:01:55 PM EDT
Many people have had cancer in Family, on both sides. Right now my grandfather is getting treated for Renal Carcinoma, and I lost my grandmother 3 years ago to ovarian Cancer.
The best thing you can do is give him hope by telling him about progress in medecine, give him a bible (he's not religious, but still...), be positive and supportive.
My grandfather has metastases in different organs but he is beating an "evil" form of renal carcinoma at the of 71 against all odds.
Cancer is NOT a sentence of death, don't let ups and downs discourage you and your father in law, keep your heads up and don't lose hope.
Link Posted: 9/23/2005 7:12:12 PM EDT
I don't know his personality, but FWIW, laughter is a GREAT asset in times of trouble.

For his sake, don't forget to have time to just belly laugh.
Link Posted: 9/23/2005 7:13:33 PM EDT
Very sorry to hear that. My Dad is just about all done with the lung cancer. He's gone thru everything........chemo, radiation, Iressa drugs, Tarceva, etc. We think it slowed the cancer down, but he's running out of time and I'll be amazed if he makes it to Thanks giving.

Spend time with him, tell him that you love him, thank him for all the things you've done together and he's done for you, and apoligize for all the dumb things you've done that have brought shame on the family name.

Much of these were recommeded here off ARFCOM. I had a similar talk to my Dad about the above paragraph.............he simply looked at me with wide eyes, started to get some tears coming out of his eyes, gave me the biggest hug he has ever given me, and said "Steve, I'm just so damn proud of you............I couldn't of asked for a better son".

I love my Dad and am gonna miss him.

Spend time with him and try to make him smile.

vmax84
Link Posted: 9/23/2005 7:21:25 PM EDT
Cancer Support

Q: Where can I go if I have questions about cancer?

A: Coping with a new cancer diagnosis, caring for a loved one or dealing with post-treatment challenges can be confusing and scary. There are many cancer organizations and programs that provide information about a wide range of cancer topics - from diagnosis and clinical trials to treatment and long-term issues. Though this is not a complete list, a few of these resources are listed below. They are designed to help you find the answers that you need and connect you with additional services.

LAF's LIVESTRONG™ - Resource for Cancer Survivors - www.livestrong.org

National Cancer Institute (NCI)
Cancer Information Service of the National Cancer Institute (NCI)
1-800-4-CANCER
TTY: 1-800-332-8615
www.cancer.gov

CancerCare - 1-800-813-HOPE - www.cancercare.org

American Cancer Society (ACS) - 1-800-ACS-2345 - www.cancer.org

Q: Can you help me find a clinical trial?

A: Visit the following Web sites to find clinical trials in your area.

National Cancer Institute - www.cancer.gov

Coalition of National Cancer Cooperative Groups - www.cancertrialshelp.org

American Cancer Society - clinicaltrials.cancer.org

Children's Oncology Group - www.childrensoncologygroup.org
Link Posted: 9/23/2005 7:21:26 PM EDT
But I'm here to tell ya....................watching a loved one eaten alive by cancer flat out will tear your guts out. Don't be afraid to talk to others about helping you get thru this.

I thought my divorce was tough....................it ain't nothin' like watching your hero slip away.

vmax84
Link Posted: 9/23/2005 7:22:17 PM EDT

Originally Posted By vmax84:
But I'm here to tell ya....................watching a loved one eaten alive by cancer flat out will tear your guts out. Don't be afraid to talk to others about helping you get thru this.

I thought my divorce was tough....................it ain't nothin' like watching your hero slip away.

vmax84



+1
Link Posted: 9/23/2005 7:22:20 PM EDT
My dad was diagnosed shortly before I left for Basic in '85...VERY tough. He was given 80/20 odds of not making it 2 years.

He made it to 10 years, in full remission, before it came back.

He was tough, determined, and really liked flipping off people who said he would fail.

Tell your father in law to cowboy up and kick cancer right where it hurts!


My best wishes to you and your family, and I hope that he's able to beat the odds like my dad did!
Link Posted: 9/23/2005 7:23:24 PM EDT
As was said, attitude plays a very important role in fighting cancer. If he gets depressed and gives up he will severly shorten his time left. If he's a fighter and doesn't give up he can add years to his life yet.
Link Posted: 9/23/2005 7:27:13 PM EDT

Originally Posted By PlaymoreMinds:
My dad was diagnosed shortly before I left for Basic in '85...VERY tough. He was given 80/20 odds of not making it 2 years.

He made it to 10 years, in full remission, before it came back.

He was tough, determined, and really liked flipping off people who said he would fail.

Tell your father in law to cowboy up and kick cancer right where it hurts!


My best wishes to you and your family, and I hope that he's able to beat the odds like my dad did!



+100000
Link Posted: 9/23/2005 7:27:58 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 9/23/2005 7:45:14 PM EDT by FLGreg]

Originally Posted By Balming:
Does anyone have any advice to give that is non religious? My wife is religious (somewhat), but he is not.



The only non-religious advice I have is to have him get his earthly legal affairs in order ASAP.

Let me be brutally honest - he doesn't have "a few years". More likely a few months - if that. If it's already spread to his lymph nodes he's a goner. Sad but true. My wife is an oncology nurse and I lost my childhood, best friend 10 years ago to malignant melanoma. It is THE nastiest cancer you can get.

As my friend's brother said at the eulogy - Use sunscreen.

Link Posted: 9/23/2005 7:33:19 PM EDT
My Dad was just diagnosed with lung cancer and I've been praying for him and spending as much time as I can with him. I try to steer clear of anything too morose and keep it nice and lite as far as BS'n.

He's a pretty stuborn ol crotchety bastard so I think he has a pretty good chance if we manage to keep his spirits up. Most of all I guess I just do whatever I can to help keep both of us up and not slip into morbid thought. I know its a fact of life we all die but not without a fight and good times with each other first.

Hang in there man and reach out to her to try to ease her burden. Im sure there will be times when she is going to be a total basket case as a result of this but stay strong for her. Pray together as husband and wife!
Link Posted: 9/23/2005 7:34:00 PM EDT
Get him Lance Armstrongs book, "It's not about the Bike". read it.

My wife got cancer two years ago, in her ealy thirties. She kicked it's ass, went thru a bunch of chemo and radiation.

Cancer is very scary, but it's not a death sentance. Fight ! think positive, and be greatfull for every day on this Earth.
Link Posted: 9/23/2005 7:54:11 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 9/23/2005 8:00:14 PM EDT by WildBoar]
My grandfather was diagnosed 6yrs ago, When he was 80. He went through treatments, it came back once, gone again, but looks like its back and spreading.

He has a good attitude about it and keeps himself busy. He is making the best of his tiime and enjoying life better than ever. He will probably e gone in a few years, but he is not letting that effect him. Travels with his giant travel trailer sometimes , sets it up all on his own, and just bought a boat.

From my take, attitude has a bit to do with it. We all encourage him and keep his spirits up. My grandfather should probably be dead by now but I think his attitude prolonged his health.

My ex wives family all end up with it in the 60's. they all mope about it, always tell each other how sorry they are and generally consider it defeat. They never make it past the first 2 years of diagnosis and treatments.

ETA, I saw t was lymph nodes. A friends grandfather had the lymph nodes in his neck completely removed when he was 82. He died at 92 from heart failure, not cancer.
Link Posted: 9/24/2005 12:11:48 AM EDT
Love them like there's no tomorrow
My wife will be gone in a few months at 48 years old and nearly 26 years of marriage; the majority of my heart will atrophy at that time
M
Link Posted: 9/24/2005 12:15:00 AM EDT
Spend as much time with him as you can. Lost my grandfather and mother to cancer, and my biggest regret is I didn't spend enough time with them and let them know how much I loved them.
Link Posted: 9/24/2005 12:13:16 PM EDT
Thanks to all who have responded. I'll put some of the suggestions to good use.


Balming
Link Posted: 9/24/2005 12:21:32 PM EDT
Just be there for them and spend as much time as you can with them while you can.

you will never look back on your life and say you spent too much time with a loved one.
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