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Link Posted: 6/6/2015 1:59:46 PM EST
Link Posted: 6/16/2015 3:38:59 PM EST
Link Posted: 7/21/2015 2:23:32 PM EST
A liberal guy and Murphy go into a pastry shop.

The liberal guy whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.  

The baker doesn't even notice.

The liberal guy says to Murphy, "You see how clever we are? You Paddies can never beat that!"
 Murphy says to the liberal guy, "Watch dis, any Paddy is smarter din you, and I'll prove it to ya."

He says to the baker, "Gimme a cookie, I'll show ya a magic trick!"
The baker gives him the cookie, which he promptly eats.

Then he says to the baker, "Gimme anudder cookie for me magic trick."

The baker is getting suspicious, but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.

Then he says again, "Gimme one more cookie..."
 
The baker is getting angry now, but gives him one anyway.  
He eats this one too.



Now the baker is really mad, and he yells, "OK ... So where is your famous magic trick?"



Murphy says .... " Now look in the liberal guy's pocket!"
Link Posted: 7/24/2015 6:49:26 AM EST
I started a camp for kids with ADHD.

It's a Concentration camp.
Link Posted: 8/16/2015 8:51:14 PM EST
obama went on vacation again.

I hear he’s going to write a new book.



He’s calling it “Dreams of My Mullah’s”.
--------------------------
Japanese Sex:

A Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex:

Husband: "Sukitaki. Mojitaka!"
Wife replies: "Kowanini! Mowi janakpa!"
Husband says angrily: "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"
Wife on her knees literally begging: "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"
Husband shouts angrily: "Na miaou kina Tim kouji!"






I can't believe you just sat there trying to read this - you don't know Japanese.
You'll read anything as long as it's about sex ... You need serious help!
Sometimes I worry about you.
-----------------------------------
: Dr. Young vs Dr. Geezer

An old geezer, who had long ago retired from farming, became very bored. So
he went to medical school and then opened a medical clinic. He put a sign
up outside that said:


”Dr. Geezer's Clinic.
Get your treatment for $500.
If not cured, I’ll pay you $1,000."


Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about
medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to make $1,000.

So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.


This is what transpired:

Dr. Young: --- "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth." Can you
please help me ??

Dr. Geezer: --- "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops
in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: --- “Aaagh !!  This is gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer:  -- "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be
$500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days, figuring to
recover his money.

Dr Young: -- "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.

Dr. Geezer: -- "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in
the patient's mouth."

Doctor Young: -- "Oh no you don't. That’s gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer:  -- "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be
$500."

Dr. Young, having now lost $1000, leaves angrily but comes back after
several more days.

Dr. Young: -- "My eyesight has become really weak. I can hardly see.

Dr. Geezer: -- "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so here's your
$1000."

Dr. Young: -- "But this is only $500."

Dr. Geezer: -- "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be
$500."

Geezers rule.
Link Posted: 10/17/2015 4:58:23 PM EST
Thought I'd bump this old thread.

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.  

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM.”  He left it where he knew she would find it. 

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.  Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. 

The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”
Link Posted: 10/29/2015 8:38:19 PM EST
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral attended by fellow physicians, family members, friends.... A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ....I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.
--------------
To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegals), in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs. Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home.

I started to cry when I thought of you.


Then it dawned on me ... oh, shoot .... I'll see you on the bus.
-----------------------------
My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 a.m. today. Can you believe the gall of my neighbor?

Fortunately for him I was still up playing my drums.
--------------------
They had to get a translator at the DMV today.

Someone came in speaking English.
------------------
They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles.
 
 
Who the hell runs 8 miles in 15 seconds?
Link Posted: 10/30/2015 4:33:19 AM EST

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of prison,

but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.
Link Posted: 10/31/2015 3:18:17 PM EST
"Violence in sports is getting so bad. Yesterday I went to a prize fight and a hockey game broke out!"
--Rodney Dangerfield
Link Posted: 11/30/2015 10:37:24 PM EST
Link Posted: 12/1/2015 6:56:53 PM EST
Link Posted: 1/9/2016 4:44:12 PM EST
[Last Edit: 9/12/2020 5:51:28 PM EST by GiggleSmith]
Link Posted: 1/12/2016 1:13:44 PM EST
Link Posted: 1/12/2016 5:00:31 PM EST
Link Posted: 1/16/2016 8:02:30 PM EST
Dear Algebra,
Please stop asking us to find your x.
She's never coming back and don't ask y.
Link Posted: 1/29/2016 6:02:36 PM EST
Confucius Say:
A woman can humiliate any man by simply saying "Hold my purse."
Link Posted: 2/6/2016 5:51:46 PM EST
[Last Edit: 2/6/2016 6:01:43 PM EST by 15jonshoot]
Good News From the White House Concerning Pensions, Healthcare and Benefits:



imgurl

If I hear Anything Else, I'll Let You Know.
Link Posted: 2/11/2016 4:05:37 AM EST

Discussion ForumsJump to Quoted PostQuote History
Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1:


I'm from Wisconsin, so hopefully I can get away with posting this--




View Quote View All Quotes
View All Quotes
Discussion ForumsJump to Quoted PostQuote History
Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1:


I'm from Wisconsin, so hopefully I can get away with posting this--




> Once upon a time long, long, ago there was a season when neither the Packers nor the Vikings made the post season playoffs. It seemed so unusual, that the management of both teams got together and decided that there should be some sort of competition between the two teams because of their great rivalry. So, they decided on a weeklong ice fishing competition. The team that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins.



So on a cold northern Wisconsin lake they began their contest. The first day after 8 hours of fishing the Packers had caught 100 fish and the Vikings had 0. At the end of the 2nd day the Packers had caught 200 fish and the Vikings 0.  



That evening the Viking coach got his team together and said, "I suspect some kind of cheating is taking place."  So the next morning he dressed one of his players in green and gold and sent him over to the Packer camp to act as a spy. At the end of the day he came back to report to the coach.  The coach asked "Well, how about it, are they cheating?" "They sure are," the player reported, "They're cutting holes in the ice".




 
Southreners aren't going to get that one.
Link Posted: 2/11/2016 12:24:56 PM EST
Link Posted: 2/11/2016 6:32:20 PM EST

Discussion ForumsJump to Quoted PostQuote History
Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1:





There are Viking fans in the South?  Who knew????  
View Quote View All Quotes
View All Quotes
Discussion ForumsJump to Quoted PostQuote History
Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1:



Originally Posted By edb66:


Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1:

I'm from Wisconsin, so hopefully I can get away with posting this--




> Once upon a time long, long, ago there was a season when neither the Packers nor the Vikings made the post season playoffs. It seemed so unusual, that the management of both teams got together and decided that there should be some sort of competition between the two teams because of their great rivalry. So, they decided on a weeklong ice fishing competition. The team that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins.



So on a cold northern Wisconsin lake they began their contest. The first day after 8 hours of fishing the Packers had caught 100 fish and the Vikings had 0. At the end of the 2nd day the Packers had caught 200 fish and the Vikings 0.  



That evening the Viking coach got his team together and said, "I suspect some kind of cheating is taking place."  So the next morning he dressed one of his players in green and gold and sent him over to the Packer camp to act as a spy. At the end of the day he came back to report to the coach.  The coach asked "Well, how about it, are they cheating?" "They sure are," the player reported, "They're cutting holes in the ice".


  Southreners aren't going to get that one.



There are Viking fans in the South?  Who knew????  
Roll Tide...

(((HUGS)))) Beekeeper.  I have family in WI and MN.   It took me years to figure out I couldn't drive my truck out onto the lake when I moved to AL.



 
Link Posted: 2/11/2016 8:34:35 PM EST
Link Posted: 4/10/2016 10:39:08 PM EST
Link Posted: 6/17/2016 7:34:38 PM EST
Ain't the one that came up with this:

LRSD31C:What did the terrorist say when he walked into the gay bar?
......
......
LRSD31C:So, of course, when the terrorist walked into the gay bar he said... "Shots for everyone!"
Link Posted: 6/20/2016 10:57:45 PM EST
Link Posted: 6/20/2016 10:59:15 PM EST
Link Posted: 8/28/2016 5:21:17 PM EST
When Chuck Norris' was a little tyke his wading pool was the Red River.

Chuck Norris is also the reason there is land South of the Red River that belong to Oklahoma.
(Check the maps)
Link Posted: 9/25/2016 10:26:49 PM EST
Link Posted: 9/25/2016 10:29:25 PM EST
Link Posted: 10/23/2016 7:59:43 AM EST

Link Posted: 11/28/2016 2:15:42 PM EST
Link Posted: 12/4/2016 5:56:52 PM EST
[Last Edit: 12/4/2016 5:57:28 PM EST by GiggleSmith]
From Elsewhere:
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, Ireland, a Canadian couple were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men, totally naked, sitting on a park bench.

Two of the figures had black penises but the one in the middle, had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of the black man in a predominately white, patriarchal society. “In fact,” he pointed out, “some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.”

After the curator left, an Irish man approached the couple and said, “Would you like to know what the painting is really about?”

“Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?” asked the husband.

“Because I’m the guy who painted it.” he replied.

”In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They’re just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.
Link Posted: 12/23/2016 7:40:30 PM EST
Link Posted: 1/8/2017 11:49:51 PM EST
Link Posted: 1/14/2017 9:46:13 AM EST
A wild eyed (and quite ugly) 69 year old woman walked into a crowded bar in downtown Washington, District of Columbia, waivingan un-holstered pistol and yelled out, “I have a .45 caliber Colt 1911, with a seven round magazine, plus one in the chamber. I want to know who's been sleeping with my husband?”



A female voice from the back of the room called out, “You need more ammo Hillary!”
View Quote
Link Posted: 4/14/2017 8:51:52 AM EST
Link Posted: 4/14/2017 10:06:36 PM EST
Link Posted: 4/29/2017 7:58:10 AM EST
Link Posted: 4/29/2017 8:31:57 AM EST
Two old guys are sitting on a park bench. One says to the other "what would you rather have, Alzheimers or Parkinsons"?  Other guy says "Parkinsons. I'd rather loose a half ounce of scotch than forget where I put the bottle".
Link Posted: 6/14/2017 2:39:49 PM EST
Link Posted: 6/25/2017 2:57:47 PM EST
Link Posted: 7/14/2017 7:58:36 PM EST
Link Posted: 7/16/2017 4:12:27 PM EST
Discussion ForumsJump to Quoted PostQuote History
Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1:
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
View Quote
  I am going to USE this for my office.
Link Posted: 8/3/2018 4:45:06 PM EST
The Thread should NOT die:

Link Posted: 8/3/2018 5:05:32 PM EST
Discussion ForumsJump to Quoted PostQuote History
Originally Posted By GiggleSmith:
The Thread should NOT die:

https://i.imgur.com/neLodMf.jpg
View Quote
Step one: Fire one round into head of cat.
Step two: Hold cat as long as you'd like
Step there: profit??
Link Posted: 10/27/2018 7:55:57 PM EST
[Last Edit: 10/27/2018 8:03:40 PM EST by GiggleSmith]
Link Posted: 10/28/2018 5:44:37 AM EST
This thread has been around so long that this may be a repeat.

A lawyer dies and is standing in front of the Pearly Gates. He says, "Saint Peter, I'm only 35, I'm too  young to die!"

St. Peter examines a huge old book, and says, "According to your billable hours, you are 76!"
Link Posted: 10/28/2018 6:44:21 AM EST
Mackenzie tells a chicken joke...

Chicken joke as told by Mackenzie.....
Link Posted: 10/31/2018 5:17:19 PM EST
Staged of course....

Link Posted: 11/8/2018 10:11:10 PM EST
I thought it was funny.....   if you see my review mark it as helpful.

Attachment Attached File
Link Posted: 11/10/2018 8:46:45 PM EST
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