> 1. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians:
>
> "Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy
> hunter.'"
>
> ================================
>
> 2. Andy Rooney On Prisoners:
>
> Did you know that it costs forty-thousand
> dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for
> forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few prisoners into
> my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows.
> I don't think we should give free room and board to
> criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity.
> And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the
> chair that's hooked up to the generator.
>
> ================================
>
> 3. Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener:
>
> My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what
> that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to
> me, sniffing, then saying under their breath,
> "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our
> wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
>
> =================================
>
> 4. Andy Rooney On Morning Differences :
>
> Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake
> up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?'
> It's because we can't see you. We have no blood
> anywhere near our optic nerve.
>
> ==============================
>
> 5. Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:
>
> You know those shows where people call in and
> vote on different issues?
> Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that
> say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and
> vote and they're voting "I don't know." Honey, I feel very
> strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says into phone) "I DON'T KNOW!"
> (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."
>
> ==============================
>
> 6. Andy Rooney On Cripes:
>
> My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people
> there. Very wholesome. They use words like
> 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be-
> Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of
> 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I
> wanna burn in 'Heck'?
>
> ================================
>
> 7. Andy Rooney On Grandma:
>
> My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that
> says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you?
> 'Out entering wet shawl contests'. Makes you wonder
> where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
>
> ==============================
>
> 8. Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:
>
> Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive
> messages on someone's answering machine? "
>
> Hi , it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it
> right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the
> day is: "Share the love." Beep.
>
> "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling ....
> Speaking of being positive, your test results are
> back. Stop sharing the love."
>
> ====================================
>
> 9. Andy Rooney on Research:
>
> Because over the past few years, more money has
> been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent
> on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is believed that
> by the year 2030 there will be a large number of
> people wandering around with huge breasts and
> erections...who can't remember what to do with them.
>
> ... until that time