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1/25/2018 7:38:29 AM
Posted: 4/6/2006 2:26:27 PM EST
At the office where I'm employed, we have a mating pair of Mallard Ducks that showed up a few days ago. At first they seemed rather content laying underneath the vehicles parked in front of our office or waddling their feathered asses around our sidewalk. We share our parking lot w/ several other businesses so there is lots of activity in our parking lot.

I don't mind wildlife at all. Nor do I have an objection to seeing wildlife in strange places for a limited moment. However as a hunter, I understand their rightful place. They are not some sort of pet or a creature that should come to trust humans & their activities. But here they are. Why have they been here for several days now? Well, because there is food here, THAT'S WHY!

No, we don't have a pond or some lush grasses or mosses or anything that wildlife could consider table fare growing in our paved parking lot. Sure there's some very small puddles filled w/ rainbow-esque water from the recent rains to wet their beaks in, but other than that- where would they find food

They find food from the handouts that morons are giving them. It's a rather broad menu which includes such appetizing offerings as bread, lettuce & even grapes. So here these ducks have decided to hang out, maybe even make a nest nearby- perhaps raise a family.

With the milder spring weather and fresh rains, it sure helps the cabin fever to have our office door open during the daytime to let refreshing air in. However, since the food stocks have been placed just outside our door, who'd of thunk it, the ducks went from contently eating outside the door- to coming into the office. Perhaps they're coming in to thank the morons for the food they've so generously shared, but more so I think ducks just like to have a comfortable spot to take a dump. Perhaps it's comforting to their bowels. Like when I'm hunting, and taking a shit in the woods- it helps me to think of planes dropping bombs, dump trucks emptying their haul or soft serve ice-cream. So I'm certain that to a duck, an office is much like a US soldier finding a restroom with running water at a palace in Baghdad, or perhaps office carpet just helps the ducks to wipe their own shit off their silly little webbed feet. Since I don't speak duck, I can only assume they're not thanking the morons, they're just coming inside out of the elements to disrupt the workplace, take a shit in the shelter from the spring breezes & clean their feet off before they're off to seek comfort under the vehicles parked in the lot.

But OH MY, what if the ducks should get ran over if someone unknowingly started their vehicle and left without a second thought? Well the morons have a solution to that. It's called a "POST IT" note, lovingly stuck to the vehicle owners' window. It says,"Careful when backing up... Ducks under your car". How ingenious! I went on a delivery and noticed a nice late model Suburban parked by our door, complete with a POST IT note attached on it's window. It was then I realized, I'm not working with your typical office type people, or perhaps I am and I'm the one that doesn't fit in. The difference being that If I owned a ~$50,000 vehicle and someone defiled it with so much as a sticky note because of some feathered shit bags seeking refuge under my rig, there would be more than a couple faqed up ducks. There would be an inquiry as to who wrote the note, and once found I'd ask the concerned POST IT BANDIT if they would mind if I touch their vehicle? (This would be done in a less than subtle &/or gentle manner)

I sent my boss an instant message this afternoon concerning this situation. I have yet to hear a reply or formal discussion with him. Here is the IM in its entirety:

The day I put up w/ duck shit and not say anything will be the day a) I'm dead or b) I've been horsewhipped & am waiting to die from boiling to death in oil. I say, "If you can't fuck em', FRAG EM!" I'm all for fragging em'. They are nothing more than feathered shit containers that leak. The food & shit mess is most objectionable. It'll only get worse...

Please don't get me wrong, it's not the ducks I'm pissed at. It's morons. My office has 3 of them. Now I know what you're all asking, "Are these morons you work with male or female Sly?" I'll give you one good damned guess.

Suppose I should let them know what makes those pretty rainbows in the puddles out their in the parking lot that the ducks keep drinking out of? Nah, I can't save the world in one day. I just want my office carpet to be free of feathers & shit & our sidewalk not to be covered in said shit plus rotting produce. Is that asking too much?

If you took the time to read this, I appreciate it. I'm up to my neck in duck shit & morons and just needed an outlet. Even I laughed a bit here and there while typing this.

Link Posted: 4/6/2006 2:29:35 PM EST

Link Posted: 4/6/2006 2:36:04 PM EST
ROFLMFAO lol made my day ow my chest hurts from laffing so hard
Link Posted: 4/6/2006 4:51:14 PM EST

By moparman71: antifreeze.

Not my style. Now where is that 9 iron?

Originally Posted By Kernal_Krusty:
ROFLMFAO lol made my day ow my chest hurts from laffing so hard

Glad you liked it Kernal_Krusty.

If there's enough interest, I can go into detail on how the hen was worked over today by some lone maverick drake. Her mate was none to happy when the outsider showed up on the scene. The only thing the hen's mate could do was wedge himself between the ugly action and take one for the team. To tell you the truth, ducks copulate rather violently IMO. I didn't know whether to give the maverick the thumbs up or give him my size 10 boot. One things for certain, I doubt the hen's mate will ever look at her the same again... Of course, I can't see how she could look at him the same for that matter.

Damn it! There's something else for me to be pissed at- it's not all shit and rotting produce out there in the parking lot.

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