An officer friend of another prosecutor in my office sent her this email. I can't verrify it's truthfullness...but it's hysterical nonetheless.
About 1030 I get a "check welfare call" at a small retirement community. A 93 yr old woman had just gotten a new pacemaker put in her ticker, and the Dr. who operated was keeping tabs on her. He was unable to get a hold of her yet that morning, and she missed her scheduled 0900 call to him. I think "great" and ride on over expecting the worst. I get to the apt., and begin knocking, and then pounding on the door of her apt. I call the Dr on my cell and find out there is a hidden key to make emergency entry. At this point I'm cringing at the thought of finding an old dead woman in her apt. I slowly unlock the door and walk inside yelling, "police", and her name over and over. I'm getting sicker to my stomach the further I go into the apt with no response. I walk all the way into the apt, and thru the bedroom door. I slowly push the door open and see what looks like someone under the covers. I slowly walk into the bedroom yelling at the top of my lungs, "hello, police", with no answer. When I get with in 4-5 feet of the foot of the bed, I'm horrified to see there is actually no one in the bed, just a bunch of rolled up covers and pillows.
At the very instant I realize the bed is empty, I hear water running from a bathroom that is located directly across from the now open bedroom door. As the "Holy Crap" thought races thru my mind, I see the bathroom door fling open, and there stands the very alive 93 year old naked woman, in all her glory. I completely freak out, and bolt behind the open bedroom door I had just pushed open, seconds before she looks up and starts walking into the bedroom. As she walks into the bedroom, passed the bedroom door, I slowly pull the bedroom door further open to hide my fat ass between the door and the wall. I am now in COMPLETE meltdown mode, thinking I am going to scare this poor woman literally to death if she sees me. She messed around with something on top of her dresser for what seemed like a week, before walking out of the bedroom. On her way out of the bedroom, she pulls the door shut!!!! Thank God himself she walked into the bathroom, and then shut the bathroom door behind her.
I quickly opened the bedroom door and started speed walking the hell out of there, when suddenly the bathroom door opens just as I am at the end of the hallway near the kitchen. I have just enough time to slip around the hallway wall, and dive under the kitchen breakfast bar, between the bar stools and the wall, before she gets to the kitchen. Again, I am panicking wondering how long I can hide from this woman, and wishing to high heaven she would just clothe herself. After considerable time watching her feet and ankles walk with-in 4-5 inches of me, the phone rings. It's the Dr. I had talked to prior to entering her apt. I can tell this by her end of the conversation....."Why no Dr. there is no police officer here, I'll check the front door". I am relieved when she walks back down the hall and into her bedroom to get a robe. I do the Olympic sprint to the front door, shoot out the door at 150 miles an hour, almost knocking down the apt manager who was about to knock on the front door himself, and tell him to shut his mouth. I re-lock the front door, and then begin knocking on it Like I just got there!!!!!!!!!! After the old lady answers the door and thanks us both for checking on her, I tell the apt manager what happened, and I almost have to call an ambulance for him because he is laughing so hard, he can barely breath.
Other than that.....SOS.