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Posted: 8/5/2005 4:28:54 AM EDT
People planning to visit Texas might find the following advice useful.



1. Don't expect to find filet mignon or pasta primavera at the local
restaurant. It's a cafe. They serve hamburgers and chicken fried steak. Let
them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.


2. Don't laugh at the names (Merleen, Bodie, Bubba, Bobby Ray, Curley, Tammy
Lynn, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we will HAVE to kick your ass.


3. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. In Texas it's called a coke.
Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever -
it's still a coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.


4. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (read some J.
Frank Dobie). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer than you.
Don't refer to us as a bunch of cowboy hicks, or we'll kick your ass.


5. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Howard Hughes, H. Ross Perot,
Southwest Airlines, Dell computers). Naturally, sometimes we have small
lapses in judgment (e.g., Phil Gramm). However, we are not dumb enough to let
someone move to our state just so they can run for the US Senate. If anyone
tried to do that they would get a serious ass kickin'.


6. Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Gen. Hood
you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit the
Alamo, take your hat off and be properly humble, or we'll kick your ass.


7. We are fully aware of how hot it gets and high the humidity is, so shut up
about it. If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen, or we'll kick
your ass.


8. Do not attempt to eat tamales without first removing their corn husk
casing. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. DO NOT, under any
circumstances, complain that the chili is TOO hot or contains no kidney
beans, this will get your ass kicked into next week.


9. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know they
are not. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago,
and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta
is ready when you are. Move your ass on home -- before we kick it.


10. Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we
don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we
are saying. All other Texans understand what we are saying and that's all
that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ass.


11. Don't complain that certain areas of this state smells of oil. If your
livelihood depended on those wells you'd soon learn to love the aroma.
Besides, None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine
about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Pittsburgh,
PA.


12. Don't ridicule our Texas manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors
open for others. We offer our seats to old folks. Such things are expected of
civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired
grandmothers, or they'll kick your ass -- just like they did ours.


13. Don't think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in small
towns. We do this because we have enough sense to not live in crime infested
cesspools like Baltimore. Make fun of our small towns and we'll kick your
ass.


14. DO NOT DARE to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot
(right after it is kicked). Criticize the barbecue and you may go home in a
pine box -- minus your ass.


15. Remember, the only reason you are lucky enough to be here in the first
place is because we have not pulled the Border Patrol off the Rio Grande and
put them on the Red River (where they really belong) to keep your ass out.


16. Enjoy your visit.


Link Posted: 8/5/2005 4:37:20 AM EDT
Makes me want to move back to Texas. I miss it. :(
Link Posted: 8/5/2005 4:41:55 AM EDT

Originally Posted By TacticalStrat:
People planning to visit Texas might find the following advice useful.

11. Don't complain that certain areas of this state smells of oil. If your
livelihood depended on those wells you'd soon learn to love the aroma.
Besides, None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine
about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Pittsburgh,
PA.




* ahem *

It's CLEVELAND's River that catches on fire.



Link Posted: 8/5/2005 4:47:12 AM EDT
Don't forget to try the local foods. Beer and beef ribs, Margaritas and hot Mexican food .Allways order a side of Pico De Galo. We don't eat Quiche for breakfast. Order eggs bacon and biscuits or tortillas and no waffles we order hotcakes.
Link Posted: 8/5/2005 4:50:30 AM EDT
And PLEASE dont doubt that we'll kick your ass...or we'll kick your ass.
Link Posted: 8/5/2005 4:54:01 AM EDT
AMEN.

R.
Link Posted: 8/5/2005 4:57:47 AM EDT
God Bless Texas.


CMOS
Link Posted: 8/5/2005 5:01:25 AM EDT
kinda funny
Link Posted: 8/5/2005 5:01:33 AM EDT
And above all remember TRG lives there and he will do something else with you a$$.
Link Posted: 8/5/2005 5:03:56 AM EDT
and rule #1....expect a lot of hat, and precious few cattle. The biggest thing in TX is the ego.
Link Posted: 8/5/2005 5:18:10 AM EDT
Link Posted: 8/5/2005 5:18:59 AM EDT
Dang I miss texas
Link Posted: 8/5/2005 5:22:21 AM EDT
I was in Houston last week...dress for Heat/Humidity..My glasses almost fogged over when I got out of the car...Unfortunately I got a hotel in the crappier part of town....SAR-1 and a Glock make nice travelling buddies
Link Posted: 8/5/2005 5:26:38 AM EDT
[Francis]Any of you HOMOS touch my stuff...I'll kill yah. [/Francis]
Link Posted: 8/5/2005 5:27:58 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 8/5/2005 5:28:26 AM EDT by Dolomite]
I've heard that if you want to fit in seamlessly down there, always remember to tuck your pants into your cowboy boots.

Then, never pass up an opportunity to let the locals know how “we do things up north” and how that thing, whatever it may be, is therefore inherently better.
Link Posted: 8/5/2005 5:29:18 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Dolomite:
I've heard that if you want to fit in seamlessly down there, always remember to tuck your pants into your cowboy boots.

Then, never pass up an opportunity to let the locals know how “we do things up north” and hot that thing, whatever it may be, is inherently better.



Sound advice...But you forgot to mention wearing sequins on your pants.
Link Posted: 8/5/2005 5:33:24 AM EDT
makes me wonder why dont i live in texas?


12. Don't ridicule our Texas manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors
open for others. We offer our seats to old folks. Such things are expected of
civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired
grandmothers, or they'll kick your ass -- just like they did ours.



up here in oregon, i've gotten yelled at for holding doors, laughed at for saying ma'am/sir, and old people would rather die than admit that it'd be nice for htem to sit down and take my seat.
Link Posted: 8/5/2005 5:38:41 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 8/5/2005 5:39:46 AM EDT by rifleman2002]
blah blah blah
Link Posted: 8/5/2005 5:40:14 AM EDT
I was stationed at Ft Hood while in the army. They had this big orientation for all the new people at the on post movie theater. A Texas State Trooper was one of the speakers. I will never forget when he said " you all see them signs on the highway when you come into Texas that say Don't Mess With Texas we mean it" for some reason I got the feeling he was dead serious.
Link Posted: 8/5/2005 5:41:46 AM EDT

Originally Posted By mtchristman:
I was stationed at Ft Hood while in the army. They had this big orientation for all the new people at the on post movie theater. A Texas State Trooper was one of the speakers. I will never forget when he said " you all see them signs on the highway when you come into Texas that say Don't Mess With Texas we mean it" for some reason I got the feeling he was dead serious.



yup, they're serious about littering down there.
Link Posted: 8/5/2005 5:42:15 AM EDT
When visiting Texas...

1. If you don't bring a gun, someone can loan you one

2. People do have names like bubba and one guy I worked with down there was named Booger

3. You'll probably get bitch slapped for not bringing a gun

4. Meat is a meal in itself. All other food is "fixins"

5. Anyone not from Texas is a Yankee even those from Tennesse, Georgia, and Louisiana

6. Ya'll has a lot of different meanings

7. Things are not necessarily bigger in Texas; they are just spread out over 100 miles

I just spent 3 1/2 months in Texas. Never saw a state so proud of itself before. Don't eff with Texas.
Link Posted: 8/5/2005 6:02:11 AM EDT
There is only 2 things that come from Texas, steers and queers. With all this talking about you wanting to do something to my ass, I guess I know which line you fall on.
Link Posted: 8/5/2005 6:47:03 AM EDT
Link Posted: 8/5/2005 6:50:11 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 8/5/2005 6:56:16 AM EDT by 53vortec]

Originally Posted By MadMardigan:
There is only 2 things that come from Texas, steers and queers. With all this talking about you wanting to do something to my ass, I guess I know which line you fall on.



Well idn' 'at cute? Another Yankee watched Full Metal Jacket.


(Edited to make it mo' betta')
Link Posted: 8/5/2005 6:53:48 AM EDT

Real World Austin debuts with a street fight with locals
The Real World Austin debuted last night with a literal bang, as Danny got punched in the head by someone in the street and literally broke his face.


Besides the fight, the cast basically talked about banging one another, showered together, drank a lot, and talked about banging one another. This seemed to prove that, after 16 seasons, producers have either forgotten how to tell stories, select cast members who are even vaguely interesting, or amuse me in my apparently very old age.

Link Posted: 8/5/2005 6:56:46 AM EDT

Originally Posted By grywlf52:
And above all remember TRG lives there and he will do something else with you a$$.



Link Posted: 8/5/2005 6:58:23 AM EDT
Link Posted: 8/5/2005 6:58:58 AM EDT

Originally Posted By FredM:

Real World Austin debuts with a street fight with locals
The Real World Austin debuted last night with a literal bang, as Danny got punched in the head by someone in the street and literally broke his face.


Besides the fight, the cast basically talked about banging one another, showered together, drank a lot, and talked about banging one another. This seemed to prove that, after 16 seasons, producers have either forgotten how to tell stories, select cast members who are even vaguely interesting, or amuse me in my apparently very old age.



If they picked cast members that had an ounce of intelligencem, maybe it would be a decent show.

Link Posted: 8/5/2005 6:59:09 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 8/5/2005 7:02:28 AM EDT by callgood]
And don't tell any Aggie jokes. When my dad was alive I would visit the panhandle every year for the opening of pheasant season. We would eat breakfast at "The Dinnerbell" and once while we were waiting for our check he told me an Aggie joke. I saw this guy behind him sort of perk up- about 6'3", 240 and NO fat. Well, we left and as we got to our car this guy came up and told us he was an Aggie alum, and he didn't like the joke and, "I'm gonna cut your ass with my razor." We all went yabadayabadayabada, we didn't mean any offense." Hell back here Auburn fans expect abuse. Any way, he reaches for his back pocket and we pile in the pickup and lock the door. We look out and he's got his razor out, a

­

NORELCO!

So, watch your mouth while in Texas.

ETA- If you see "Coach Fran" tell him to kiss my aspertame.
Link Posted: 8/5/2005 7:02:31 AM EDT

Originally Posted By TacticalStrat:
People planning to visit Texas might find the following advice useful.



1. Don't expect to find filet mignon or pasta primavera at the local
restaurant. It's a cafe. They serve hamburgers and chicken fried steak. Let
them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.


2. Don't laugh at the names (Merleen, Bodie, Bubba, Bobby Ray, Curley, Tammy
Lynn, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we will HAVE to kick your ass.


3. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. In Texas it's called a coke.
Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever -
it's still a coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.


4. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (read some J.
Frank Dobie). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer than you.
Don't refer to us as a bunch of cowboy hicks, or we'll kick your ass.


5. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Howard Hughes, H. Ross Perot,
Southwest Airlines, Dell computers). Naturally, sometimes we have small
lapses in judgment (e.g., Phil Gramm). However, we are not dumb enough to let
someone move to our state just so they can run for the US Senate. If anyone
tried to do that they would get a serious ass kickin'.


6. Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Gen. Hood
you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit the
Alamo, take your hat off and be properly humble, or we'll kick your ass.


7. We are fully aware of how hot it gets and high the humidity is, so shut up
about it. If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen, or we'll kick
your ass.


8. Do not attempt to eat tamales without first removing their corn husk
casing. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. DO NOT, under any
circumstances, complain that the chili is TOO hot or contains no kidney
beans, this will get your ass kicked into next week.


9. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know they
are not. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago,
and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta
is ready when you are. Move your ass on home -- before we kick it.


10. Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we
don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we
are saying. All other Texans understand what we are saying and that's all
that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ass.


11. Don't complain that certain areas of this state smells of oil. If your
livelihood depended on those wells you'd soon learn to love the aroma.
Besides, None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine
about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Pittsburgh,
PA.


12. Don't ridicule our Texas manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors
open for others. We offer our seats to old folks. Such things are expected of
civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired
grandmothers, or they'll kick your ass -- just like they did ours.


13. Don't think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in small
towns. We do this because we have enough sense to not live in crime infested
cesspools like Baltimore. Make fun of our small towns and we'll kick your
ass.


14. DO NOT DARE to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot
(right after it is kicked). Criticize the barbecue and you may go home in a
pine box -- minus your ass.


15. Remember, the only reason you are lucky enough to be here in the first
place is because we have not pulled the Border Patrol off the Rio Grande and
put them on the Red River (where they really belong) to keep your ass out.


16. Enjoy your visit. Or we'll kick your ass





fixed it for ya.
I like TX. Most great Texans were born in TN.

Link Posted: 8/5/2005 7:06:02 AM EDT
Just what ARFCOM needs, another Texas circle jerk. Is it a new month already?
Link Posted: 8/5/2005 7:17:38 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 8/5/2005 7:20:35 AM EDT by mousehunter]

Originally Posted By Dolomite:
I've heard that if you want to fit in seamlessly down there, always remember to tuck your pants into your cowboy boots.

Then, never pass up an opportunity to let the locals know how “we do things up north” and how that thing, whatever it may be, is therefore inherently better.



Guess if you wear rubber boots to work then it is ok, for the most part, however, the only reason to tuck your pants in is to keep the sheep from running away.

I spend a decent amount to time on the ranch. I don't concern myself with gettting my pants dirty, but worry more about keeping critters out of my boots. Last thing I want is stuff falling in my boots.

Easy enough to find steak, but order it seared rare, rare, or medium rare - anything else is just charred. Asking for steak sause is an insult to the cook, and will get your ass kicked. Smothering BBQ (Brisket) in sause is also an insult to the cook, and will get your ass kicked.
Link Posted: 8/5/2005 7:24:22 AM EDT
Everything's better in Texas.

Everything




Except public land to visit and play on. If you don't know anyone with a ranch, there ain't much point in visiting Texas. No insult intended.
Link Posted: 8/5/2005 10:07:24 AM EDT

wgjhsafT,

Where exactly did you meet someone named Booger? I might just know the same guy.
Link Posted: 8/5/2005 10:11:34 AM EDT

Originally Posted By 44Punk:
Just what ARFCOM needs, another Texas circle jerk. Is it a new month already?




You're just pissed because the worst drivers in Texas have "Land of Enchantment" plates on their cars.

<­BR>


Whatcha want ta drink, hon?

Coke.

What flavor?

Sprite.

Comin' up, hon.
Link Posted: 8/5/2005 10:17:18 AM EDT

Originally Posted by MadMardigan:
There is only 2 things that come from Texas, steers and queers. With all this talking about you wanting to do something to my ass, I guess I know which line you fall on.



Yeah it takes a real man to quote a Richard Gere movie.


11. Don't complain that certain areas of this state smells of oil. If your
livelihood depended on those wells you'd soon learn to love the aroma.
Besides, None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine
about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Pittsburgh,
PA.



Take a tour of the Texas Hill country or out to the Guadalupe Mountains, there's an 8000 footer out there. I gotta admit I am not fond of the West Texas Cattle processing stink, but its not as bad as the Arkansas chicken farms.

+1 on the holdin' doors open and the man and sir. You just do it no questions asked, not looking for favors.
Link Posted: 8/5/2005 10:32:20 AM EDT
I love Arizona, but if I ever have to leave here I'm going BACK TO TEXAS.

Link Posted: 8/5/2005 10:47:40 AM EDT
I miss Texas too. I lived there for almost 4 years and then moved back to Ohio and realized how nice Texas was. There is a lot of ass kicking talk in this thread but based on my encounters people are just plain nicer in Texas and in the south in general than they are in the north.
Link Posted: 8/5/2005 10:55:06 AM EDT
I've been to Texas, and every other state in the lower 48.

Texas is gun friendly, and has great bar-b-cue. Not much else impressed me.
Link Posted: 8/5/2005 11:08:33 AM EDT
Houston Sucks!!!!! I know,I was born and lived there,heard this from a lady in Dallas," Texas is Mississippi with good roads" Texans are tough,but I don't think y'all would hold a candle to them folks up in them hills of Kentucky,WV,and TN.
Link Posted: 8/5/2005 11:11:52 AM EDT

Originally Posted By TacticalStrat:
3. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. In Texas it's called a coke.


You guys call your pop "coke" even if the pop is a Mountain Dew?!

Savages!
Link Posted: 8/5/2005 11:17:14 AM EDT
When I die... I may not go to heaven,
'Cause I don't know if they let cowboys in.
If they don't... just let me go to Texas,
'Cause Texas is as close as I've been.




(I was in DFW all last week and had a BLAST! )
Link Posted: 8/5/2005 11:17:20 AM EDT

Real World Austin debuts with a street fight with locals
The Real World Austin debuted last night with a literal bang, as Danny got punched in the head by someone in the street and literally broke his face.


I saw that. That wasn't a case of "Don't mess with Texas", it was a cheap fucking shot.
Link Posted: 8/5/2005 11:27:04 AM EDT
Link Posted: 8/5/2005 11:28:12 AM EDT
Link Posted: 8/5/2005 11:29:19 AM EDT

Originally Posted By GabbasaurusRex:

Real World Austin debuts with a street fight with locals
The Real World Austin debuted last night with a literal bang, as Danny got punched in the head by someone in the street and literally broke his face.


I saw that. That wasn't a case of "Don't mess with Texas", it was a cheap fucking shot.



i love women that know how to curse effectively.
Link Posted: 8/5/2005 11:34:21 AM EDT

Originally Posted By callgood:
And don't tell any Aggie jokes. When my dad was alive I would visit the panhandle every year for the opening of pheasant season. We would eat breakfast at "The Dinnerbell" and once while we were waiting for our check he told me an Aggie joke. I saw this guy behind him sort of perk up- about 6'3", 240 and NO fat. Well, we left and as we got to our car this guy came up and told us he was an Aggie alum, and he didn't like the joke and, "I'm gonna cut your ass with my razor." We all went yabadayabadayabada, we didn't mean any offense." Hell back here Auburn fans expect abuse. Any way, he reaches for his back pocket and we pile in the pickup and lock the door. We look out and he's got his razor out, a

­

NORELCO!

So, watch your mouth while in Texas.

ETA- If you see "Coach Fran" tell him to kiss my aspertame.





Payback's a bitch ain't it?

WHOOP!

Gig 'em , howdy, hullaballoo!


96Ag
Link Posted: 8/5/2005 11:35:49 AM EDT
Speaking of Austin I was there for the first time in several years a week ago. What a bunch of liberal shitheads I have never seen so many weirdos. Man has Austin changed since the good old days. Give a days notice than nuke it from orbit and start over. Anybody listen to radio Bob?
Link Posted: 8/5/2005 11:37:31 AM EDT

Originally Posted By DVDTracker:

Originally Posted By GabbasaurusRex:

Real World Austin debuts with a street fight with locals
The Real World Austin debuted last night with a literal bang, as Danny got punched in the head by someone in the street and literally broke his face.


I saw that. That wasn't a case of "Don't mess with Texas", it was a cheap fucking shot.



If they're in downtown Austin, that isn't Texas.


There's "Don't Mess With Texas", and then there's "I'm going to punch a guy who is already lying on the ground and not moving because I'm so fucking macho."

It was the latter, and I'm pretty damn sure the rest of the state follows the former.
Link Posted: 8/5/2005 11:40:02 AM EDT

Originally Posted By jcncc:
Speaking of Austin I was there for the first time in several years a week ago. What a bunch of liberal shitheads I have never seen so many weirdos. Man has Austin changed since the good old days. Give a days notice than nuke it from orbit and start over. Anybody listen to radio Bob?


The weirdos and liberal shitheads are only the most visible sect of the population here in Austin. There are PLENTY of good folks here. We just keep to our own, and don't co-mingle with the trash.

I hate Bob-FM.
Link Posted: 8/5/2005 11:42:18 AM EDT
Austin=California


the rest of TX is great.
God Bless texas....

I live in San Antonio and work in Austin. People ask why I dont just move to Austin. Its like moving out of Texas to Cali. No thanks..
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