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take her to a gun show (i assume you can still do that in CA) and let her handle all the guns. ask the proper questions about caliber and comfort level (don't TELL her what to get), then buy what she wants.
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yeah, but she's got to find a way to SHOOT the thing so she can see if she likes it.
first, how does she rack the slide? if she hasn't tried this method, see if it helps any.
Step 1: hold firearm in strong hand as she would if getting ready to fire.
Step 2: grasp top of slide with weak hand so that the thumb points towards the muzzle and the fingers point towards her. (it may be easier to turn the firearm 90 degrees in the direction of the weak hand).
Step 3: have her grip the slide well with weak hand, and hold it steady. then PUSH the frame forward with the strong hand, keeping the slide in place. so she's pushing the frame against the slide, understand? instead of pulling the slide against the frame.
this helps alleviate having to do all the work with the weak hand, as is generally the problem (as i have experienced it) with women who have trouble racking the slide.
is this for CONCEALED carry or just home defense?
it doesn't seem like there is a whole lot of options left to her. how does she (you) feel about a revolver? a .38, while not the best defense round, is good enough to get the job done, and a revolver can be concealed fairly easily (though the 2" bbl that eases concealment also has recoil/muzzle flip issues).
fear of recoil is something that is overcome with practice and patience. i suggest that she shoot a lot to get used to the recoil. i have found that a lot of women think any recoil is a lot of recoil. they want a gun that hardly moves. since we know this is unrealistic (unless she wants to carry a .22), she's going to have to get used to recoil at some level.
assuming she will be able to rack the slide under the new method, i would suggest the G26 or G27, or the size up if not concerned about concealability. taurus makes some good revolvers, especially the ultra lite models. (i've had bad experience with their semi auto pistols though, use at own risk.) i've heard the beretta 92's are pretty good. no experience with them myself though. but it's another option.