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Posted: 10/4/2001 4:14:00 AM EDT
An Irishman walks into a pub. The bartender can't help noticing that the Irishman has a steering wheel sticking out of the top of his pants. "Paddy! You know you've got a steering wheel in your trousers!" he exclaims. "Oh, aye, I know," replies Paddy "It's driving me nuts!" (best when read with an Irish brogue)
Link Posted: 10/4/2001 5:45:49 AM EDT
Link Posted: 10/4/2001 7:00:26 AM EDT
What do you call 13 polish guys with turbans on thier heads?...............................................A pack of stanleys...........
Link Posted: 10/5/2001 6:05:16 AM EDT
Why did God invent whiskey? To keep the Irish from conquering the world.
Link Posted: 10/5/2001 6:16:12 AM EDT
A Priest and a Rabbi are walking down the street, together. Coming the other way is a young boy. Priest turns to the Rabbi and says, "Hey, we should try to screw that young boy." Rabbi looks at the boy, turns to the Priest and says, "Oh yeah? Out of what?"
Link Posted: 10/5/2001 6:29:40 AM EDT
A priest and a rabbi walk into a saloon. Bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, a joke?"
Link Posted: 10/5/2001 6:32:11 AM EDT
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?" A man walks into a bar, he says "ouch!"
Link Posted: 10/5/2001 6:51:25 AM EDT
Link Posted: 10/5/2001 7:09:29 AM EDT
A man answers a newspaper help wanted ad for a sales position, and shows up for his interview on time, in a smart suit and highly polished shoes. He introduces himself to the sales manager with a noticeable, severe speech impediment, "Hullo thir, it'th uh plethure ta meedh you." The sales manager, momentarily taken aback, regains his composure and asks the man, "You are aware that this is a direct sales position, dealing with the public?" "Yeth thir," says the applicant. "I don't quite know how to say this, but I notice you have a serious speech impediment. You don't feel that this would be a problem in a direct sales job?" asks the sales manager. "Oh thir, I'b a gret salethman, I kin thell anathing an my thpeech hathn't thtood betweeng me an a thale yet," said the applicant. "Just gib me a tetht, any kine ob tetht to thee if I'm the kine ob thalethman you want here." The sales manager considers this, and pulls a box of a gross of individually wrapped toothbrushes out of a cabinet in his office. He tells the applicant, "If you can sell all these toothbrushes, one to a customer, by the end of the day, you've got a job here, speech impediment or no." "Oh thank you thir. I'll brove my abilitieth to you. You won'k regret thith," and out the door he goes with the box of toothbrushes. Two hours later he's back with all the toothbrushes gone, replaced by $144 in singles. The sales manager asks him if he sold them one to a customer. The applicant replies, "Thothe were your inthtructionth, thir." "Well my good man, you've got a job! What a great feat of salesmanship. Welcome to the team. Just one thing...tell me how you did it." The applicant says, "It wath eathy thir. I thet up a little table on the gorner wit a bowl ob chipth and a bowl ob dip. Ath people came by I thaid, 'Exthcuse me thir, exthcuse me madam, would you nike a chip? Hep youthelf to thome dip!' They woul tathte it and thay 'Ewww, thith tathtes like thit,' and I would thay, "It is thit. Would you like to buy a toothbruth?" [i]This joke works better when you can hear it, but I kill with this one.[/i]
Link Posted: 10/5/2001 7:19:00 AM EDT
Have you heard about the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac? He was up all night trying to figure out if there really is a dog.
Link Posted: 10/5/2001 7:27:09 AM EDT
Mary Magdoline, a prostitute, comes to Jesus to find out how to be saved. Jesus tells her that first of all she must go to the river and clense herself of the sinful life she has led. Mary Magdoline went to the river and bathed thoroughly. Fish haven't smelled the same since.
Link Posted: 10/5/2001 7:28:07 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 10/5/2001 7:23:35 AM EDT by Major-Murphy]
A Black guy walks into a company, answering a Help-Wanted ad. "Hello, I'm here about the job." Says the black man. "Well, tell me something about yourself." replyed the prospective employer... "OK, I will. You see, I've been on welfare all my adult life, just getting a free ride. I'm through with that. I want a job. I want to work hard, REAL hard, and I want to support my family. What kind of job are you offering?" The prospective employer looks at the black man for a second and then says, "This is your lucky day. I have the perfect job for you. It pays $300k a year, you only work 20 hours a week and all you have to do is sit around and watch TV." "Wow, $300k for just watching TV! You must be joking!" said the astonished applicant. "Of course I'm joking. But hey, you started it."
Link Posted: 10/5/2001 7:32:58 AM EDT
Link Posted: 10/5/2001 8:45:06 AM EDT
Once there were two Chinese... now look.
Link Posted: 10/5/2001 9:48:11 AM EDT
How do tell when a blonde has been using a vibrator?? Her teeth are chipped!!!
Link Posted: 10/5/2001 11:22:02 AM EDT
3 men walk into a bar the 4th one ducks
Link Posted: 10/5/2001 11:32:09 AM EDT
Cowboy in a saloon in Texas finishes his drink, walks out side and finds his horse has been stolen. Going back inside, he says, "OK, who stole my horse?" No one answers. He yells louder,"Who stole my horse?" Still no answer. He whips out his revolver, fires two shots, and both chandeliers fall to the floor. As everyone looks up, he says, "I'm gonna sit at the bar and have a drink. When I'm done, I'd better find my horse outside. Don't make me do here what I had to do in Kansas. You hear me?" When he finishes his drink, he goes outside and finds his horse tied up where he left it. Everyone follows him out, and as he mounts up, the bartender says, "Hey, I gotta know. What did you have to do in Kansas?" Cowboy says, "In Kansas I had to walk."
Link Posted: 10/5/2001 12:21:41 PM EDT
Why do they call it "PMS?" Because the name "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
Link Posted: 10/5/2001 3:09:36 PM EDT
If russia attacks turkey from the rear, do you think greece would help?..........[argue]
Link Posted: 10/5/2001 4:11:42 PM EDT
An old farmer walks into a bar and see's to beautiful women at the end of the bar. He tells the bartender to take them a drink on him. One of ladies comes up to the farmer and says thanks for the drink. But I think you should know we are lesbians. The farmer says what are lesbians. The lady tells him that lesbians like having sex with other women. The Farmer yells for the bartender to bring three drinks for us three lesbians!!
Link Posted: 10/6/2001 7:34:59 AM EDT
A guy comes into a bar wearing an expensive suit, accompanied by two beautiful women, and with a little man one foot tall standing on his shoulder. He bellies up to the bar, tosses the bartender a thick wad of bills and orders a drink of the best for everybody in the house. The bartender lines up the glasses and begins pouring rare, expensive liquor. Just as he fills the last glass, the little man jumps off the the guys shoulder and runs down the bar, kicking over every glass. The fellow in the suit kind of shrugs, tosses the bartender an even bigger wad of bills and says "a drink of your best for everybody in the house, and keep the change for your trouble." Once again, the bartender lines up glasses and starts pouring expensive whiskey. Just as he gets the last glass poured, the little one foot tall man runs down the bar again, and kicks over all the glasses. The bartender shouts "What the hell is going on here?" The guy in the nice suit replies: "I was walking down the beach one day, and I found a bottle in the sand. When I pulled the cork, I released a genie who said he would give me three wishes for setting him free." "For my first wish, I asked for wealth. I'm so rich now, that I couldn't spend my fortune in 10 lifetimes!" "Wow!" says the bartender "and then what did you wish for?" "I wished to be attractive to women," the guy replies, "and I am. Everywhere I go, women flock to be around me. Young ones, old ones, it doesn't matter. They all love me." "That's terrific!" cries the bartender "so what did you use the last wish on?" The guy sighs and says "Then I wished for a twelve inch prick."
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