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Posted: 2/8/2016 7:06:03 PM EST
[Last Edit: 2/13/2016 11:39:36 AM EST by squashpup]
Way back when the internet was still in its infancy, my brother (he's a member...screenname Smilax) and some friends had a website that we used to run. The premise was that we would use a fake persona named "Donald Lancow" to write to companies, groups, or government agencies with bizarre comments, questions, or requests. Then we would post the letters and responses to our website so all could see the ensuing hilarity.

EDIT: I know about the Lazlo letters. I also know about Jerry Seinfeld's "Letters from a Nut". I didn't say what we did was original. I just said it was funny...

Due to a variety of factors, the website closed, but we saved the letters and responses. We've talked of restarting the website, but we never got around to doing so. So, I figured instead of just letting them collect dust on a server somewhere, I'd post a few here and there for Arfcom's enjoyment.

So, here's a couple to get you started. I'll be back from time to time to post more.

Letter to UPS

Dear UPS,

How much would it cost to ship an (dead) alien from my house in Richmond, VA to my brother-in-law in Reno, NV? He doesn’t believe me and I need to get him a look at it. This is an average sized alien (3.25 ft) with gray skin and large bulging eyes (there is some chafing). It will fit in a box I have (for Liver Revitalizer 6000). Do I add ice or will you take care of this? Give me a list of what types of packaging tapes you accept (Do any come in "space" themes?). This package cannot be delayed. I want my brother-in-law to eat his words. Get back to me as soon as you can please. Thank you.

Donald Lancow



SUBJECT: UT20030214_0000004806 General Questions - Shipping

Dear Donald Lancow:

Thank you for your inquiry. Shippers are prohibited from shipping articles of unusual value or one of a kind items via UPS. We are also unable to transport bodily remains. UPS does not provide a protective service for the transportation of perishable commodities or of commodities requiring protection from heat or cold.

The alien that you would like to ship would probably fit under both categories mentioned above. Although we thank you for thinking of UPS for shipping this unique item, we would be unable to transport this merchandise.

Thank you for using UPS Internet Services.


Letter to Clairol Beauty Products:

SUBJECT: possible application for Clairol hair colors

Dear Clairol,

I was wondering if you could change a yellow lab (dog) to a chocolate lab (dog) with your product. This is necessary because my dog, Chester A. Arthur, who is a yellow (light tan) lab, is being considered for a chocolate lab part in a local community production of "Paws and Reflect", a touching, very special story about a mentally challenged boy and his dog. I'm afraid that the director of the play will ignore Chester's many talents (fetches sticks and bones, jumps into and out of moving vehicles, doesn't go on the rug) and pass over her simply based on her color (I thought we were past such prejudice in our modern times!). To prevent this from happening, I'd like to use Clairol hair color to change her for the role. Possible problems I forsee might include

-Skin irritation. Has this product been tested on animals?
-Application. Paintbrush? Roller? Spray gun? Full body dip in a barrel? Other?
-Removal. It seems like a stiff scrub brush and some paint thinner would do the trick. If not, do you think some sort of bleach would remove it? Or, could I buy a color from you that approximates yellow lab and just put it on over top of it?
-Color Matching. Do you offer any hair swatches that I could hold up to a chocolate lab for comparison? Also, if it would help, I could send you samples of both Chester's hair (blond) and that of a chocolate lab, so you could see where we are, where we want to go, and could recommend an appropriate shade for Chester to get there. Or I could send pictures.

Can you clear Chester for this bold experiment and give us the go-ahead to begin a magical transformation?

I have groomed Chester for Hollywood stardom, and if this pans out (we're still waiting for "the call"!) your company stands to benefit from the publicity. If I have your endorsement for this project, I will make sure that the credits for any future movies or TV shows in which Chester appears will include this line:
"Chester uses only fine CLAIROL hair products...the choice of dogs everywhere!"

If we do this, perhaps you could agree to work out a deal with us on bulk Clairol, as I plan to change Chester from a yellow lab to chocolate, black or even perhaps Dalmatian or Beagle, depending on the requirements of future roles. Also,. Chester, upon achieving notoriety, would be available to appear for free in any of your commercials, as any species of dog, performing a variety of tricks and other dog-type activities.

Please let me know about the questions as well as arrangements for supplying Clairol for Chester's rise to stardom.

Donald Lancow
Chester A. Arthur


SUBJECT: Re: possible applications for Clairol hair color

Mr. Lancow,

Thank you for contacting Clairol. Please DO NOT use any haircoloring products of any type on your yellow lab. We absolutely WILL NOT endorse the use of our products on your dog.

Haircoloring products have not been tested for use on animals. Thus, it's very difficult to say precisely what would befall Chester were you to tint her hair. Skin irritation could be severe; also, she could experience a serious allergic reaction.

Even if it could be determined that she's not allergic to haircolor and her skin would not be irrirated we would NOT recommend tinting her coat.

Because a dog's coat differs from human hair it's impossible to say how a colorant might "take"; results could be streaky or splotchy, too dark, too light, or completely off-color (i.e., discoloration could occur, and results could be green, blue, slate, etc.).

Dogs also lick themselves, and Chester would be ingesting the chemicals that make up the haircoloring product used. This could cause any number of internal difficulties for your dog.

If you applied a tint you might not be able to remove it; even a temporary haircolor might leave a stain or residue. Under NO circumstances should any harsh solvents, such as paint thinner, or bleach or any other caustic substance be used on your pet. Not for any reason.

We must implore you not to color her hair. You could easily ruin her coat forever, or seriously imperil her health.

It's rare that we feel we must take so adamant a stance when answering an inquiry; we want people -- and only people -- to enjoy using and experimenting with our products on their own hair. But Chester's not a person and cannot make this decision, so we're hoping you'll make the right decision for her.

Thank you.
The Consumer Affairs Team

More to come.

Link Posted: 2/8/2016 7:07:17 PM EST
That's awesome!

You should do a YouTube channel.
Link Posted: 2/8/2016 7:11:07 PM EST
Discussion ForumsJump to Quoted PostQuote History
Originally Posted By bluedevil0204:
That's awesome!

You should do a YouTube channel.
View Quote

I have a Youtube channel where I do mess with people. Only Indian scammers, though.



Link Posted: 2/8/2016 7:15:00 PM EST
One more:

Letter to Hefty Trash Bags:

Dear Hefty,

I use your bags more than any other. They are tough! Never split and get stuff messy. I’ve been using them for years.

I have an interesting use for your bags that I wonder if you might want to print on the box. I often use Hefty bags to play Casper the Friendly Ghost for my children, Nero, Hannibal, and Beth. They love it!

1) Get a white sheet. Tie two corners together around your neck (like a cape) - you may need safety pins to hold the front closed.
2) Get a Hefty CinchSak Tall Kitchen Bag (white). Paint some eyes and a mouth on like Casper’s.
3) Put the bag over your head and stuff the bottom underneath the sheet around your neck.

My kids laugh and laugh and say, “We love you Casper!” I act funny for them by making all the well known ghostly gestures. When I’m done I’m always tired. That’s how much they love it! It does scare the cats, though. Cats don’t react well to Ghosts.

Feel free to use my idea but please let me know so I can show my friends the box. Thank you.

Donald Lancow,
aka Casper the Friendly Ghost!


SUBJECT: Hefty Bags Suggestion

Dear Mr. Lancow,

First let me say thank you for taking the time to contact us and offering your suggestion for 'Casper the Friendly Ghost'. It sounds very cute and I'm sure your children appreciate your efforts very much and understand that putting a plastic bag over ones head is never a good idea.

I don't believe we will ever put an idea like this on the box. There are just too many people in the world today who would misunderstand the message and we would hate for anyone to get hurt. Of course, I will give your suggestion to the Product Manager for his review.

Thank you again for writing and for using our Hefty/Kordite products.

Arlene Stafford
Link Posted: 2/8/2016 7:19:59 PM EST
Link Posted: 2/8/2016 7:20:48 PM EST
This thread is giving me some ideas.
Link Posted: 2/8/2016 7:22:08 PM EST
Email to Professor Marc Breedlove:

SUBJECT: Carnivore Brain Power

Dear Professor Breedlove,

I have a question that has been keeping me up at night (+nap @ 1pm) and I would be indebted to you if you could answer it for me. Why, if nature uses “survival of the fittest”, has there never been an animal that could kill with the power of thought? Isn’t this a logical conclusion to a theory (evolution) that says, “only the tippity top survive?" How can you beat an animal that can kill with brain waves? Imagine if a carnivore, lets say a crocodile, would have the power to kill its prey merely by thinking a thought. All it would have to do is go to the nearest hill (or large rock) and zap everything it saw. Nothing could stop it. It would eat for days. Now do you see what I mean? It would be like the kid in that (TV) Twilight Zone (everyone had to think “happy thoughts”). So where is this ferocious beast that is the result of thousands of years of evolutional improvement? Something is very wrong here. We are missing one (nasty) animal. It makes me think it's out there, but knows that it cannot reveal itself to us yet. Perhaps it is one of those mysteries you only hear about in TV land (discovery channel) like Bigfoot or aliens. Is it possible? Please give me your professional reply on these matters. I need to know.

Yours in Thanks,
Donald N. Lancow

PS - Is it possible that my pet Iguana, Reginald, is the one making me think these thoughts and keeping me up at night? I see him giving me looks. He could be "the one." I may have to eliminate him.

SUBJECT: Re: Carnivore Brain Power
Dear Donald,

Your question is of course very astute and you are more correct than you know. Natural selection has given a wide variety of predators the ability to kill prey with thoughts alone. This happened despite the fact that the laws of physics in this universe make that adaptation impossible. Of course, natural selection does not act upon predators alone. The prey animals have evolved a defense that renders the "kill thoughts" of predators harmless, or nearly harmless. As it happens, we humans still have this same defense mechanism, which comes in handy when we're at the zoo and some massive beast behind bars shoots daggers at us. Our experience of this defense is also pleasant: we think that we are fantasizing about sex, but in fact our brain is fending off psychic attacks. You probably notice this activity starts in your head each time you enter the house where your homicidally inclined iguana sits resentfully dreaming of having a sex life of his own rather than sitting in your cage. Interestingly, the older humans get, the more vulnerable we are to psychic attacks and therefore the more we have to rely on this important defense mechanism. Unfortunately, it really cuts down on productivity. I hope this offers some help with your research. Best of luck pushing back the curtains of darkness.


SUBJECT: Re: Re: Carnivore Brain Power

Dear Marc,

Per your professional advice, Reginald has been eliminated, and I have eaten him in an attempt to gain his powers. It was fortunate that I came to you on this matter because it is quite obvious you were 100% correct. Since Reginald has left this world, I have noticed that my daydreams of Britney Spears have decreased dramatically (I didn't fantasize about her at all yesterday). I also notice, as you said, that I have been much more efficient. I have already picked up all the discarded pizza boxes from my bedroom floor and even figured out how to program my VCR. You have saved my life, professor - possibly many lives - and I am forever in your debt. If you ever need a reptile rubbed out, I'm your man. I have the knowledge and experience (and a recipe for a great basting sauce). Thank you.

Yours Sincerely,
Donald Lancow

Link Posted: 2/8/2016 7:23:04 PM EST
Tag, these are great.
Link Posted: 2/8/2016 7:24:26 PM EST
Letter to M&M Mars:

I've heard legends about the different colors of M&M's causing different effects on people. I have been conducting research in this area for several months now. I think you'll find the results pretty enlightening.

RED - During the month I ate only red M&M's, I noticed that my handwriting improved. My normally illegible scrawl became a flowing, artsy masterpiece of shape and form. I see potential for using this with schoolchildren to improve penmanship.

BLUE - During the month I ate only blue M&M's, my vertical jump increased by 2 inches. I measured this by standing in front of a mirror with a yardstick behind me. Then, I jumped up in the air and snapped a picture (I could send these to you if you wish). The results are astounding.

GREEN - When I ate only green M&M's the rate of growth of my body hair slowed almost to a halt. I could get by with only shaving once a week. This has enormous potential for the the personal care industry.

YELLOW - For some reason, when I ate only yellow M&M's, the only change I noticed was that I occasionally would say the word "Thursday" out loud for no apparent reason. I can't see any practical application for this.

BROWN - When I ate only brown M&M's, I was able to predict things in the future. Not far in the future, mind you. Only like a second or two. So far, the only advantage I've been able to see in this is it keeps me from knocking the ashtray off the end table. While handy, I don't think we could make a marketable product from this.

Now that I've done all the legwork on this, you can contact me at any time to discuss how we'll split the patent royalties. My terms will be reasonable. Also, I am going to go ahead and give you permission (I have the above info copyrighted already) to post the results of my work on your page, so that we may begin helping people immediately. I think this will result in increased sales of your product. None of your other competitors can make claims like this (Reeses Pieces, Yammers, etc.).

Anyway, get in touch with me when you're ready to talk business.


Donald N. Lancow

SUBJECT: Ref #817367
In response to your email regarding M&M'S CHOCOLATE CANDIES

Thank you for your email.

It was thoughtful of you to offer your creative ideas. Unfortunately, it is our policy not to accept unsolicited ideas. At Masterfoods USA, a Division of Mars, Incorporated, we rely on our extensive Research and Development staff to design, develop and refine product concepts. Sometimes research and development can take years before a finished product can be marketed. To avoid confusion of ownership, we must refuse the thousands of suggestions we receive every year, many the same as yours. Although we appreciate your interest, we hope you will understand our business position.

Have a great day!

Your Friends at Masterfoods USA
A Division of Mars, Incorporated
Link Posted: 2/8/2016 7:24:48 PM EST
LOL nice.
Link Posted: 2/8/2016 7:28:41 PM EST

Link Posted: 2/8/2016 7:30:59 PM EST
Post the letter about Rembrandt toothpaste. I really want to see the response.

Link Posted: 2/8/2016 7:32:01 PM EST
In and subscribed.
Link Posted: 2/8/2016 7:34:37 PM EST
Link Posted: 2/8/2016 7:35:15 PM EST
One more...how many times have I said that now?

Letter to Mag Enterprises

SUBJECT: electronic pest repeller problems

Dear Mag,

I recently purchased your Pest Free Electronic Pest Repeller because of my problems with a squatterbug infestation at my summer cottage in Saskatoon (Moose Knee). Well, me and my brother-in-law went up there last week for some ice fishing, and, let me tell you, I had a BIG problem with your product. The first night we were there we heard some strange sounds in the kitchen where we had put the repeller. When I got up to check it out, there must have been ten mice gathered around the repeller just staring at it. Of course when I hit the lights the little bastards ran, but the next few nights they seemed to lose all fear. By the end of the week, we were just picking them up and carrying them outside. I swear it’s almost like they were worshiping the thing. This repeller was obviously set up on reverse. Is there a switch? Or maybe it is the wiring in my cottage (should I get an electric guy to look at it???) I always bought your products before and never had problems like this (except for the time I overdosed on Adam’s Tarleine Skin Care Ointment - totally my fault). The repeller did solve my squatterbug problem (the mice ate them), but at what price?

Please advise me what to do so I can continue to buy products from Mag Enterprises in the future. As a matter of fact, I was needing a good flashlight - please send me a list of your Mag Lights.

Do you have anything for bears?

Thank You,
Donald Lancow

P.S. - If I change my middle name to Magent can I get a discount? It’s much better than my current middle name (Pepsi).

SUBJECT: Re: electronic pest repeller problems

Good Evening Donald:
Thank you for your email, I am sorry your having trouble with the Pest Free units. How many units do you have plugged in ?

You can send the unit back for a refund Donald to the address below if you wish. As for flashlights, I do not sell any flashlights. I get many inquiries as to Mag Lights, this is another business.

Jeffrey R. Hoener
Mag Enterprises
PO Box 210334
Montgomery, AL 36121
Fax 775-248-4652
Phone 334.260.7132

SUBJECT: electronic pest repeller problems

Jeff at Magent,

I have 37 pest repellers plugged into 7 outlets (these are not all your repellers). Sometimes there are sparks and a "hum." I'm guessing this is what chases away pests. It's kind of hard for me to send them back since I'm now in the USA and the repellers are in Saskatoon.

About the flashlights: I get you. I am not completely stupid in these matters. There's a fiver in it for you if you send me a black, 4 D-cell flashlight with extra bulb. No one has to know (I hate the IRS as much as anyone else).

Thanks Very Much,
Donald Lancow

Link Posted: 2/8/2016 7:40:02 PM EST
Discussion ForumsJump to Quoted PostQuote History
Originally Posted By Evil_Chaos:
Post the letter about Rembrandt toothpaste. I really want to see the response.

View Quote

OK...but how did you know about that? The site hasn't been online for 10 years or more.

Have we met before?

SUBJECT: Need info on your toothpaste.
Dear Rembrandt,

I’ve been searching for a new toothpaste recently, and I decided to try your whitening toothpaste. I bought a tube on the way home from work Friday. Loved the taste and it gave my mouth a happy little feeling. I had one problem, however, that I am quite concerned about. Friday night as I laid down to sleep I noticed my teeth had a “glow” to them. This was not a trick of light or my imagination. My teeth are actually glowing. The darker it got the brighter the glow got. It got so bad I could not sleep ( I have very sensitive eyes). I work twelve hour shifts in a chemical repository. Is it possible I’ve been exposed to something that would react with your toothpaste? We’ve had some pretty big spills lately, but the haz-mat team assured me that none were dangerous to my health. I don’t know what to do. I have checked three times today (in a darkened room) and my teeth are still glowing. I can not afford to lose another night’s sleep. Also, I am a single guy and somewhat promiscuous. It is hard to keep up my romantic image when my teeth are glowing in some chick’s face. I will not be laughed at. Please tell me how to prevent your product from ruining my life. Thank you.

Donald Lancow

SUBJECT: Re: Need info on your toothpaste.
Dear Donald Lancow:

Thank you for your use of Rembrandt Oral Care products. All ingredients in our products are listed on the carton and we have no prior knowledge of anyone claiming that our toothpaste caused their teeth to "glow". You might want to let the haz-mat team know what ingredients are in the product and see if they feel any of them, in conjunction with "big spills", would create the situation you describe. In any case, discontinuing the product would effectively remove any concerns that our product was contributing to your situation as toothpaste does not have any on-going or continuous effect.

Customer Service

Link Posted: 2/8/2016 8:01:43 PM EST

Link Posted: 2/8/2016 10:37:04 PM EST
Bump for night crew.
Link Posted: 2/8/2016 10:50:52 PM EST
This is as good as Don Novello's "The Lazlo Letters" !
Link Posted: 2/8/2016 11:31:06 PM EST
Nyuk nyuk nyuk. TAG!
Link Posted: 2/8/2016 11:44:27 PM EST
Link Posted: 2/8/2016 11:46:14 PM EST
Link Posted: 2/8/2016 11:57:42 PM EST

Did you get any coupons Donald?

Link Posted: 2/9/2016 12:23:18 AM EST
"I swear it’s almost like they were worshiping the thing"

Link Posted: 2/9/2016 12:46:32 AM EST
Don Novello also know as Father Guido Sarducci and Lazlo Toth wrote a book years ago with similar letters and responses.

Hilarious stuff, here's a link to Amazon:

Lazlo Letters
Link Posted: 2/9/2016 12:46:36 AM EST
These are great! Thanks for the laughs.+
Link Posted: 2/9/2016 12:48:48 AM EST
Holy damn I crying from laughing so hard. I also woke up hubby laughing!
Link Posted: 2/9/2016 1:01:52 AM EST
You are the man, Sir!
Link Posted: 2/9/2016 1:20:28 AM EST
Link Posted: 2/9/2016 1:31:00 AM EST
Discussion ForumsJump to Quoted PostQuote History
Originally Posted By MACD:
"I swear it’s almost like they were worshiping the thing"

View Quote

I laughed like hell when I read that, thanks OP
Link Posted: 2/9/2016 2:18:53 AM EST
Link Posted: 2/9/2016 2:37:36 AM EST
Link Posted: 2/9/2016 2:51:37 AM EST
Discussion ForumsJump to Quoted PostQuote History
Originally Posted By CJan_NH:

I laughed like hell when I read that, thanks OP
View Quote View All Quotes
View All Quotes
Discussion ForumsJump to Quoted PostQuote History
Originally Posted By CJan_NH:
Originally Posted By MACD:
"I swear it’s almost like they were worshiping the thing"

I laughed like hell when I read that, thanks OP

Link Posted: 2/9/2016 3:48:08 AM EST
These are great.
Link Posted: 2/9/2016 3:51:40 AM EST
YELLOW - For some reason, when I ate only yellow M&M's, the only change I noticed was that I occasionally would say the word "Thursday" out loud for no apparent reason. I can't see any practical application for this.
View Quote

My favorite.
Link Posted: 2/9/2016 3:59:47 AM EST
Link Posted: 2/9/2016 4:54:25 AM EST
Funny stuff!

To answer your question of how he knew an old story - "the way back machine" at archive.org has your old webpage stored:

Link Posted: 2/9/2016 5:16:04 AM EST
Link Posted: 2/9/2016 5:18:23 AM EST
David. DAVID!
Link Posted: 2/9/2016 5:25:35 AM EST
This is a pretty good way to start the day.
Link Posted: 2/9/2016 5:38:53 AM EST
Link Posted: 2/9/2016 10:08:15 AM EST
What does OST mean?

Letter to Cyborg Cycles

SUBJECT: assistance wheels

Dear Cyborg Cycles

I don't know much about motorcycles, but, since I came into an unexpectedly large amount of money recently, I decided it was time to live. So, my friends talked me into buying a Harley Davidson. I think it is called soft tail or something. I don't know. I sunk a lot of money into it and I'm thinking it might have been a mistake. You guys might be my last hope.

The problem is, the motorcycle won't stand up. I keep falling over. I smashed my leg real good and broke off the mirror this afternoon, and I'm sick of the thing. Yesterday, I wrecked twice between here and the post office. I'm pretty sure I dented the gasket. Anyway, I need to do something and fast, as I joined a motorcycle club and we're riding to Yadkin for the grand opening of the VLHA. I won't even make it out of the driveway, though, at the rate I'm going. I need help.

Does anyone make "assistance wheels" for these things? You know what I'm talking about? Outriggers that mount to the frame with wheels on the end to keep the thing from sliding out from under me every five minutes. I had some on my Schwinn when I was a kid. These "assistance wheels" would be handy to help me learn to ride, then I could take them off when I got good.

If you have "assistance wheels" or know of anyone who makes them, could you please let me know? The guys in the club will be miffed if they have to keep picking me up off of I-77 every three miles. Thanks for your help.

Your fellow Hog rider,
Donald Lancow

SUBJECT: Re: assistance wheels

Hi, Donald

Well Donald sell your bike I'm sorry but riding not for you. Get a 3 wheeler HD stay off two wheels if you want to live long.

Link Posted: 2/9/2016 10:11:47 AM EST
Letter to Ferrara Pan Candy Company:


Dear Atomic Fireball Makers,

I am concerned as to the amount of radioactive material used in processing Atomic Fireballs. How much radiation enters the candy? Is there radioactive material within?

It seems to me that this is a dangerous area of confectionery. I wonder if Ralph Nader is aware of your product.

Please send me more information on Atomic Fireballs, including manufacturing processes and maximum lengths of exposure for a normal, healthy adult male.

Thank You,
Donald Lancow

SUBJECT: Re: Contact Us information from Ferrarapan website

Attached is a document showing the ingredients and nutritional information in Atomic Fireballs. There is no radioactive material contained in the candy. The name "Atomic Fireball" is used as an indication of how hot they are to the taste.

For information on the manufacturing process, please visit our website at www.ferrarapan.com and click on the fun and games tab. From there you can take a "virtual tour" and see how some of our most popular candies (including Atomic Fireballs) are made.

Customer Service
Ferrara Pan Candy Company
7301 W. Harrison Street
Forest Park, IL 60130
Phone: (708) 366-0500
FAX: (708) 366-5921

{#05265 Large Atomic Fireball 200.doc}

Large Atomic Fireball 200ct. 05265

Ingredients: Sucrose, Contains Less Than 2% of the Following: Corn Starch, Artificial Flavor, Carnauba Wax, Red #40 Lake.

Nutrition Facts

Serving Size: 1 pieces (9g)

Servings Per Container About 200
Amount Per Serving

Calories 40 Calories from Fat 0

% Daily Value*

Total Fat 0g 0%

Saturated Fat 0g 0%

Cholesterol 0mg 0%

Sodium 0mg 0%

Total Carbohydrate 9g 3%

Sugars 9g

Protein 0g

Not a significant source of dietary fiber, vitamin A, vitamin C, calcium, and iron.

*Percents Daily Value are based on a 2,000 calorie diet. Your daily values may be higher or lower depending on your calorie needs: Calories: 2,000 2,500

Total Fat Less Than 65g 80g

Saturated Fat Less Than 20g 25g

Cholesterol Less Than 300mg 300mg

Sodium Less Than 2,400mg 2,400mg

Total Carbohydrate 300g 375g

Dietary Fiber 25g 30g

Calories per gram:

Fat - 9
Carbohydrate - 4
Protein - 4

Link Posted: 2/9/2016 10:15:10 AM EST
In! That's awesome!

your website could be called "trolls 'r' us".
Link Posted: 2/9/2016 10:19:57 AM EST
Discussion ForumsJump to Quoted PostQuote History

Roy D. Mercer is HILARIOUS. I used to listen to his stuff all the time.
Link Posted: 2/9/2016 10:24:38 AM EST
Discussion ForumsJump to Quoted PostQuote History
Originally Posted By squashpup:
Dear Marc,

Per your professional advice, Reginald has been eliminated, and I have eaten him in an attempt to gain his powers.
View Quote

Link Posted: 2/9/2016 10:29:32 AM EST
Discussion ForumsJump to Quoted PostQuote History
Originally Posted By Extorris:

View Quote View All Quotes
View All Quotes
Discussion ForumsJump to Quoted PostQuote History
Originally Posted By Extorris:
Originally Posted By squashpup:
Dear Marc,

Per your professional advice, Reginald has been eliminated, and I have eaten him in an attempt to gain his powers.

I was laughing my ass off at this one.
Link Posted: 2/9/2016 11:45:17 AM EST
What does OST mean?

I'll post another letter if someone tells me.
Link Posted: 2/9/2016 12:03:25 PM EST
Discussion ForumsJump to Quoted PostQuote History
Originally Posted By squashpup:
What does OST mean?

I'll post another letter if someone tells me.
View Quote

Old School Tag.

BTW, they DO make "assistance wheels" for bikes. I have seen them actually in use when we were vacationing in Florida.

Link Posted: 2/9/2016 12:23:21 PM EST
Discussion ForumsJump to Quoted PostQuote History
Originally Posted By DDiggler:

Old School Tag.

BTW, they DO make "assistance wheels" for bikes. I have seen them actually in use when we were vacationing in Florida.

View Quote View All Quotes
View All Quotes
Discussion ForumsJump to Quoted PostQuote History
Originally Posted By DDiggler:
Originally Posted By squashpup:
What does OST mean?

I'll post another letter if someone tells me.

Old School Tag.

BTW, they DO make "assistance wheels" for bikes. I have seen them actually in use when we were vacationing in Florida.



Letter to the Kansas DOT:

SUBJECT: Mile 121 fiasco

Dear Kansas DOT,

What IS that thing at mile marker 121? How did it get there? Did someone just leave it? Don’t you guys ever patrol out there? How could you miss something like that? I mean, you can see it all the way from mile marker 120, for pete’s sake! Are a lot of your men on vacation or something? Geez. Please get that thing (WHATEVER IT IS!!) out of there! It’s VERY distracting and I think it’s starting to smell!

Thank you,
Donald Lancow


SUBJECT: Re: Mile 121 fiasco

Mr. Lancow:

Could you please tell me which highway? I apologize for the delay in response. Our office has had trouble accessing the public email. If you could give me more specifics, I'd be happy to look into this for you. Even if the item has been removed, I would like to be able to forward yoru commetns to the appropriate office.

Thank you,
Marty Matthews
Chief, Bureau of Transportation Information
Kansas Department of Transportation

2nd Letter

SUBJECT: Re: Re: Mile 121 fiasco

Kansas DoT,

It's the long highway the one that runs straight through you know. Except now the thing's at mile 125! How could that thing move???!! Is it possible your guys are simply moving it around instead of getting rid of it? I will make one more trip through Kansas in four days. Do you think it will be gone by then? Actually, now I kind of hope not. I want to take a picture and show my friends.

Thanks for your help.

Donald Lancow

2nd Reply

SUBJECT: Re: Re: Re: Mile 121 fiasco

Mr. Lancow:

I'm assuming you mean Interstate-70? We have a number of long highways that run straight through Kansas, both east and west and north and south, and many of them have mile markers.

I'd be happy to bring this to the attention of the appropriate office, but sarcastic responses are not helping me get that accomplished.

Marty Matthews
Chief, Bureau of Transportation Information
Kansas Department of Transportation

Link Posted: 2/9/2016 12:29:40 PM EST
A Letter To Donald:

SUBJECT: Attn pls as I personally contact you

This letter might come to you as a supprise but it is with deep sense of commitment, faith, trust and confidence that I make this absolute confidential risk free business proposal to you for assistance/partnership. I am deeply sorry if I have in any way disturbed your privacy.

I am Barrister MARTINS FRED personal attorney to Mr.DICKSON FRITZ from Germany, who used to work with Shell Development Company here in Benin, here in after shall be referred to me as my client.On the 21st of April 2000, my client, his wife and their three children were involved in a ghastly motor accident along Cotonou Porto-Novo Express road.Unfortunately, all occupants of the vehicle lost their lives as the vehicle caught fire after the crash.Since then I have made several inquiries to locate any of my clients extended relatives this has also proved unsuccessful hence I decided to contact you.

My purpose of contacting you is to assist in repatriating the money and property left behind by my client prior to his death before they get confiscated or declared unserviceable by the bank where this huge deposits were lodged particularly, the CONTINENTAL TRUST BANK where the deceased had an account valued at about US$10.2Million dollars. The bank had issued me a notice to provide the next of kin or have the account confiscated within the next ten official working days. Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over 2 years now. I therefore,seek your consent to present you as the next of kin of the deceased owing to the fact that you are his business associate/partner so that the proceeds of this account valued at US$10.2million dollars can be paid to you and then we can share the money afterwards. I have all the necessary official and legal documents that can be used to back up the claim we may make.

All I require is your honest co-operation to enable us in seeing this deal through. I guarantee that this will be executed under legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law. Please get in touch with me by my email or call me to enable us discuss further.

Best regards,

TEL. 00229 086001
N/B; my alternate email is martinsfred1@zwallet.com

SUBJECT: Re: Attn pls as I personally contact you

Dear Fred,
The aliens told me you would be contacting me. I do not like the aliens, but you sound like a nice guy. How much lead will $10.2 million dollars buy? I need to cover my house with lead to keep the aliens from reading my thoughts. Do they read yours? I know the aliens killed Mr. Fritz. They laughed when I told them. They said I was next. Is it possible we could use the money for an ion gun or something to destroy the aliens (please do not think about this at night - they will read your thoughts and come to kill me). I have put up searchlights around my home so I can see the alien spacecrafts at night. They come each night and take me up into space where they do terrible things to me. I could use the money to build an underground fortress to protect me from the aliens? I don't know why they only take me. I am not special, but an average man who just wants $10.2 million dollars. I have a special car. The inside is covered with aluminum paint. This stops the aliens from reading my thoughts when I am driving in my car. I only wish Mr. Fritz had done this and he would still be alive today. Have you been probed? Why do they do that every time? What are they looking for? I am just a simple man who likes big wads of cash. I don't know any secrets. I see my neighbors out in the yard doing things that look normal, but I know they are in contact with the aliens. There is a man who mows his grass every day, but the grass never gets shorter. There is a baby with a red ball that has an alien camera inside. There is a woman who sunbathes topless, but when I look at her, I only see an empty chair. There is a black van which drives by twice each day. After it goes by, I get severe headaches. Then the lawnmower man laughs at me and talks to his bushes. I know what is going on. They don't want me to get $10.2 million dollars because they know I will build an ion gun. I am glad you have come to help me. Were you sent by the Alathurians? They are the only aliens who are on my side. Please write me back with any alien information you have. We can meet sometime and form our plan. Contact me as soon as possible (but not at night, please).


SUBJECT: Re:Re: Attn pls as I personally contact you

you are a not serious the aliens will get you soon.

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