Well, I did what you said, I ditched the CIA wussy route and sought out Mall Security, just like you said. I went to the local mall, paper airplane in the left hand, but I waited more than an hour and NOTHING happened.  So I was going to leave, but had to pee.

I went into the john, and was minding my own business when the LIGHTS GO OUT.  I’m not kidding.  All of a sudden the door flies open and some guys (I couldn’t see how many, it was WAY dark) come blowing in and I can hear them kicking the stall doors open one at a time, rolling in flashbangs, and screaming CLEAR after every one (there are like 10 stalls.)

Then they’re  done I guess, it sounded like they started milling around, muttering to each other that “He just vanished” and stuff like that when one of them walks up behind me as if to piss, and basically jams his crotch in my ass, so I said “HEY!”

He spun me around, but I was still pissing, and I know I splashed like 3 of them real good.

They asked each other for the bag, but I guess they forgot it, so they made a blindfold out of an ass-gasket and pushed me out of the john and into…

A golf kart parked immediately outside the door.  They neatly hopped aboard after the last guy dropped a “Piso Mojado” (wet floor) sign in the doorway.

They drove for what seemed like minutes over to a big elevator behind Spencer’s gifts, it took us WAY down, not sure how far but my ears popped on the way down.  

We get to some kind of underground command post, and as we’re walking up to another guy, the head guy of the guys who grabbed me says “shit!” and asks me to turn around so he can flex-cuff me, and asks real nice if I would keep that to myself.  He really stank like my piss, but you’d never know it through the professionalism I witnessed.

I really don’t want to reveal what they showed me, but I am not ashamed to admit I am NOT CUT OUT for that kind of work.

They were really nice after I made my decision, they didn’t make me feel like a quitter or anything, but I notice that I was followed home, and today, a helicopter was hovering over my house.

So my question, Mr Gecko, is why didn’t you save me the humiliation and just tell me right up front that there was NO WAY I could hack that line of work?

Do you get you jollies feeling superior, or what?  I mean, I have an innocent fantasy about excitement and adventure, and you drop me into a frigging meat grinder.  Thanks a lot, Mr. Macho.  I’ve lost bladder control over that little episode, ok?  

Oh, one thing they told me I could reveal, that BAZ guy on Combat Missions, he’s not only ex CIA, he’s ACTIVE DUTY MALL SPECOPS, on leave of absence.  I shit you not.

told ya....

Well, dammit, I warned you- You just can't fiddle around with our operatives. I suppose they ran the background check based on your face and stats, and were so shocked that you had the audacity to use our "in sign" with your mesaly pencil-pusher career to brag of, that they decided it would just be worth their time and trouble to put you in your place.

MallNinja.com has been responsible for a lot of this nonsense-now any paramilitary hack with a couple of black ops, and the lives of a few foreign diplomats notched on their M4 stock feels that they're ready for the big time in Mall Security. Let me tell you, if you can't even take on your "welcoming party" with better results, don't come crying to me that you didn't know you couldn't take it. Go file something, CIA boy...

Gecko45
Food Court Team 4
Motto-"Death from above. No, in the rafters, you moron"

No doubt, it was the lot work that you weren't cut out for. It takes nerves of steel!!!

I love this place...

Dude, remember, plan A is multiple rounds of .308 in the back. If you can't hack it, sissy, your plan B should be a different line of work.

No Pansies Need Apply






God, I love this place[:D]

TheHappyBlaster-

Uh, I don't know where you get YOUR information, but believe me, current regs call for MULTIPLE .300 WINMAG rounds to the back.

.308 I could handle, but I'm telling you, these guys are BAD.

CITADELGRAD87- It's not over yet. These guys may be able to help....

[url]www.realultimatepower.net[/url]

WHAT in thee hell is an "ass gasket"?  Never mind.

Thanks! Now I have to clean Pepsi off my monitor and keyboard!!!

That site is sooooooo sweet that I want to crap my pants!!

OK, look, these “wussy” and “pussy” comments are starting to get to me.

It’s one thing for the likes of Mr. Gecko45 to call me a no-hack, but ALL you other guys need to back WAY off.

Although I might not be able to return to the mall, EVER, I’m gonna now reveal some things that I was warned not to ever speak of.

First off, tough guys, there is an entire full scale shoot house mock up of the Mall on sublevel 7h.  It’s called “The Blender,” OK?  TO even get to it, you have to pass through a hallway plastered with slogans like “Simunition is for PUSSIES!!” and “Miles?  Try You BETTER be Wearing a Trauma Plate!” and stuff like that.

New guys “get” to play the TANGOS.  The only concession to “training” is softpoint ammo is used.

I watched them running Santa Photo line drills, GWB would be lucky if he had these guys watching his back.  Even when HQ inserted a dwarf tango, in full uniform, he was terminated before he got into the fake workshop, I mean ABSOLUTELY terminated.

And there’s the “President’s Day” drill, where they rig the cart to just quit at the far end of the mall, WAY away from either backup or the food court.  Radio isn’t working.  Sounds like a nightmare, doesn’t it?   Blackhawk down seemed to be based, in part, on this scenario.

You don’t even want to know about the Labor Day stuff.

Then there’s the intensive Golf Cart Training area.  Ponch and John were spastic when you see the way these guys can coax every watt out of their quiet, powerful electric motors.  It’s frigging stunning.  It’s reserved for higher ups, though.  Much like the SEALS, who have stolen many training methods, by the way, they don’t just toss you the keys on your first day.  They have to be earned.

There’s also stuff I’LL NEVER SPEAK OF.

So did I DOR?  Yeah, I threw my Pink Smokey Bear hat (ALL slugs wear these until they earn a brown one) on the line and tossed my mace in the fountain, the universal sign for “I’ve had enough.”

But I’ll tell you this, I wasn’t the first one to drop.  No way, if there’s one thing I learned at The Citadel (or, as I now call it, nursing school) it’s that you don’t want to be the first one to quit.  Lucky for me that chubby chick turned her ankle during the “Imposing Stares in the Arcade” drill, I was dying.

And another thing, I wasn’t going to say anything until I got my coveted smokey bear hat, but I’m GOING BACK!  Much like the SEALs have those “Max the Seals PT Test” tapes, there is a sort of training program.

I’m going for a day job at a 7-11, and the guys said I can transfer in a few years, although one guy  said I should have gotten that in writing.

So there you have it, tough guys.  Not so easy to sit back and call me pussy now, is it?  I didn’t think so.  

And lest any of you think that any of this is being made up, just pick up the current issue of Backwoods Home Journal and read Ayoob's column.  He SPECIFICALLY states that our nations shopping malls are symbols of capitalist wealth and would be prime targets for middle eastern terrorists.

Don't tell the Mall Ninja how to do his job, just say "thank you" and stay out of his way.

[whacko]