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9/22/2017 12:11:25 AM
Posted: 8/27/2005 11:47:02 AM EDT
A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is
installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new
facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been
developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender"

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*****************************************­******************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.2. Reverse and back up the required amount to
align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside
back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
Link Posted: 8/27/2005 11:53:01 AM EDT
Link Posted: 8/27/2005 11:55:28 AM EDT
Link Posted: 8/27/2005 11:57:14 AM EDT
Oh come on now for chrisakes........what woman even knows what the parking brake is
Link Posted: 8/27/2005 11:58:52 AM EDT
Link Posted: 8/27/2005 11:59:31 AM EDT
Link Posted: 8/27/2005 12:06:56 PM EDT
Link Posted: 8/27/2005 12:11:09 PM EDT

Originally Posted By 82ndAbn:
She forgot to roll up the window.



when she gets home she'll leave the car in the rain, then blame her husband.
Link Posted: 8/27/2005 12:13:31 PM EDT
What do women need an ATM for? They write checks for everything.
Link Posted: 8/27/2005 12:16:12 PM EDT

Originally Posted By raven:
What do women need an ATM for? They write checks for everything.



..or count out exact change.
Link Posted: 8/27/2005 12:16:39 PM EDT

Originally Posted By 82ndAbn:
She forgot to roll up the window.




Won't that mess her hair up


GM
Link Posted: 8/27/2005 12:16:48 PM EDT

Originally Posted By lockedandloaded:
Oh come on now for chrisakes........what woman even knows what the parking brake is



+1

Link Posted: 8/27/2005 12:20:20 PM EDT
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
checkbook.

This one is inaccurate.

We toss the receipt, and tell ourselves that we'll write the debit amount down later...
Link Posted: 8/27/2005 12:20:35 PM EDT
The truth can be really funny sometimes.
Link Posted: 8/27/2005 12:22:06 PM EDT
I am SO GLAD that "ATM" in this post stood for "Automated Teller Machine."

Link Posted: 8/27/2005 12:25:12 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 8/27/2005 12:51:12 PM EDT by Jason280]

Originally Posted By DDiggler:
I am SO GLAD that "ATM" in this post stood for "Automated Teller Machine."




I guess I'm not the only dirty minded (and perverted) bastard here!
Link Posted: 8/27/2005 12:26:24 PM EDT

Originally Posted By 82ndAbn:
She forgot to roll up the window.


+1.

Very funny!
Link Posted: 8/27/2005 12:26:59 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Jason280:

Originally Posted By DDiggler:
I am SO GLAD that "ATM" in this post stood for "Automated Teller Machine."




I guess I'm not the only dirt minded (and perverted) bastard here!



Any other term would be a new one for me.
Link Posted: 8/27/2005 12:28:18 PM EDT
They forgot "remove seatbelt", and "scrape mirror on ATM".
Link Posted: 8/27/2005 12:29:16 PM EDT
Link Posted: 8/27/2005 12:31:56 PM EDT
Thank God my wife's not like that....but my girlfriend before her was almost exactly like that.

HH
Link Posted: 8/27/2005 2:15:28 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Bama-Shooter:

Originally Posted By Jason280:

Originally Posted By DDiggler:
I am SO GLAD that "ATM" in this post stood for "Automated Teller Machine."




I guess I'm not the only dirt minded (and perverted) bastard here!



Any other term would be a new one for me.



"ass to mouth". I'll let you figure out what exactly it means.
Link Posted: 8/27/2005 2:20:41 PM EDT

Originally Posted By PeteCO:

Originally Posted By Bama-Shooter:

Originally Posted By Jason280:

Originally Posted By DDiggler:
I am SO GLAD that "ATM" in this post stood for "Automated Teller Machine."




I guess I'm not the only dirt minded (and perverted) bastard here!



Any other term would be a new one for me.



"ass to mouth". I'll let you figure out what exactly it means.


I'm sure Bama could have gone through the rest of his life without knowing that which haunts us.
Link Posted: 8/27/2005 2:25:30 PM EDT
Link Posted: 8/27/2005 2:28:37 PM EDT

Originally Posted By DDiggler:

Originally Posted By PeteCO:

Originally Posted By Bama-Shooter:

Originally Posted By Jason280:

Originally Posted By DDiggler:
I am SO GLAD that "ATM" in this post stood for "Automated Teller Machine."




I guess I'm not the only dirt minded (and perverted) bastard here!



Any other term would be a new one for me.



"ass to mouth". I'll let you figure out what exactly it means.


I'm sure Bama could have gone through the rest of his life without knowing that which haunts us.



Well, that term can be interpreted two ways......
Link Posted: 8/27/2005 2:35:42 PM EDT
... and all of them are disgusting.
Link Posted: 8/27/2005 2:38:01 PM EDT

Originally Posted By DDiggler:
... and all of them are disgusting.



I have a friend who loves to give rimjobs to his wife (lick her asshole), but he thinks that shitdick-to-her-mouth is disgusting. Go figure.

I suppose this is tame compared to related and much more disgusting fetishes that involve a dark substance...
Link Posted: 8/27/2005 2:38:08 PM EDT

Originally Posted By thedoctors308:

Originally Posted By 82ndAbn:
She forgot to roll up the window.



when she gets home she'll leave the car in the rain with an empty gas tank, then blame her husband.




Ya left a part out.
Link Posted: 8/27/2005 2:38:54 PM EDT

Originally Posted By DDiggler:

Originally Posted By PeteCO:

Originally Posted By Bama-Shooter:

Originally Posted By Jason280:

Originally Posted By DDiggler:
I am SO GLAD that "ATM" in this post stood for "Automated Teller Machine."




I guess I'm not the only dirt minded (and perverted) bastard here!



Any other term would be a new one for me.



"ass to mouth". I'll let you figure out what exactly it means.


I'm sure Bama could have gone through the rest of his life without knowing that which haunts us.



You're right.
Link Posted: 8/27/2005 2:41:35 PM EDT
Now you're going to think of that every time you pass a convenience store with the sign "ATM INSIDE!"
Link Posted: 8/27/2005 2:53:23 PM EDT
Link Posted: 8/27/2005 2:54:04 PM EDT


MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. DRAW-DOWN ON ANYONE THAT IS NEARBY
7. Put window up.
8. Drive off.
*****************************************­******************

Link Posted: 8/27/2005 3:12:02 PM EDT

Originally Posted By HoustonHusker:
Thank God my wife's not like that....but my girlfriend before her was almost exactly like that.

HH



I had to reread your confession.



I kept missing the "befor her"
Link Posted: 8/27/2005 3:38:40 PM EDT
Link Posted: 8/27/2005 3:51:08 PM EDT
Link Posted: 8/27/2005 4:33:33 PM EDT
Link Posted: 8/27/2005 5:01:58 PM EDT
Say, I wonder what the ARFCOMMER instructions are...

1. Park your camo'ed bug-out vehicle half a mile away
2. Deploy your tactical carbine
3. Strap on 10 extra mags
4. Low crawl to the ATM area, taking advantage of cover along the way
5. Perform a tactical recon of the area to asses the threat level
6. Set up a sniping position on the ATM while someone else finishes
7. Low crawl up to the ATM
8. Sling your rifle and draw your tactical pistol in your strong hand
9. Retrieve your ATM card from the second pouch from the right in your tactical vest
10. Insert ATM card
11. Turn and check the area for potential threats
12. Enter PIN number
13. Repeat check for threats
14. Enter withdrawal amount
15. Wait for the money to come out. Get ready to shoot the ATM if it doesn't
16. Retrieve the money, and store in the correct vest pocket
17. Perform rapid tactical retreat
18. Spot a bum waiting by the bug-out vehicle
19. Dump a 30-round mag over his head, then reload
20. Arrive at the vehicle
21. Drive away. Tactically, of course.

Link Posted: 8/27/2005 5:07:33 PM EDT


Link Posted: 8/27/2005 5:10:48 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 8/27/2005 5:12:26 PM EDT by Burley]

Originally Posted By Bama-Shooter:

Originally Posted By Jason280:

Originally Posted By DDiggler:
I am SO GLAD that "ATM" in this post stood for "Automated Teller Machine."




I guess I'm not the only dirt minded (and perverted) bastard here!



Any other term would be a new one for me.



Porn term. Ass To Mouth.

Quite nasty.
Link Posted: 8/27/2005 5:24:19 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Burley:

Originally Posted By Bama-Shooter:

Originally Posted By Jason280:

Originally Posted By DDiggler:
I am SO GLAD that "ATM" in this post stood for "Automated Teller Machine."




I guess I'm not the only dirt minded (and perverted) bastard here!



Any other term would be a new one for me.



Porn term. Ass To Mouth.

Quite nasty.




Yeah I could have lived the entire rest of my life without knowing that and died perfectly happy...
Link Posted: 8/27/2005 6:18:50 PM EDT
Link Posted: 8/27/2005 6:25:57 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 8/27/2005 6:27:37 PM EDT by garandman]


I'm just pleased to know Alabama finally got ATM's.



Link Posted: 8/27/2005 7:56:45 PM EDT

Originally Posted By mace:
Say, I wonder what the ARFCOMMER instructions are...





Too funny.
Link Posted: 8/27/2005 7:58:54 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 8/27/2005 8:02:12 PM EDT by xanadu]
"Is the Parking Brake on?"

Usually when they begin to smell it.
Link Posted: 8/27/2005 8:51:37 PM EDT

Originally Posted By mace:
Say, I wonder what the ARFCOMMER instructions are...

1. Park your camo'ed bug-out vehicle half a mile away
2. Deploy your tactical carbine
3. Strap on 10 extra mags
4. Low crawl to the ATM area, taking advantage of cover along the way
5. Perform a tactical recon of the area to asses the threat level
6. Set up a sniping position on the ATM while someone else finishes
7. Low crawl up to the ATM
8. Sling your rifle and draw your tactical pistol in your strong hand
9. Retrieve your ATM card from the second pouch from the right in your tactical vest
10. Insert ATM card
11. Turn and check the area for potential threats
12. Enter PIN number
13. Repeat check for threats
14. Enter withdrawal amount
15. Wait for the money to come out. Get ready to shoot the ATM if it doesn't
16. Retrieve the money, and store in the correct vest pocket
17. Perform rapid tactical retreat
18. Spot a bum waiting by the bug-out vehicle
19. Dump a 30-round mag over his head, then reload
20. Arrive at the vehicle
21. Drive away. Tactically, of course.






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