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Link Posted: 8/21/2017 4:42:16 PM EDT
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Good for him...I hope they can establish a healthy relationship.
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Link Posted: 8/21/2017 4:52:54 PM EDT
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My friend tracked down his real dad and it did not go well.
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ETA: if anyone here is adopted I suggest you be a VERY grounded and mature person if you seek your biological family. It may not turn into a Disney story.
My friend tracked down his real dad and it did not go well.
Kind of where I'm at.  Mother and Father were 16 when I was born.  Adopted at birth.  I really don't have much desire tracking them down, but the curiosity still remains.  My parents (that adopted me and the only parents I have ever known) raised me the best they could and couldn't have asked for better parents.  The past 7 years ago have been strained however, due to my wife, and my parents not approving of her.    I haven't spoke to my parents since Father's day and my dad never wished me a happy father's day but I wished him one.  My birthday is in 2 days and I am curious if they will call.
Link Posted: 8/21/2017 5:23:50 PM EDT
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I feel the same way about my adoptive parents.  

I wouldn't mind knowing the my birth parents medical history though.
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This.  I am curious tho.
Link Posted: 8/21/2017 11:36:05 PM EDT
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Keep in mind that my friend tried and failed to locate the son he sired.  He had given up hope and accepted that all the time hoping the best for the son.

It was his son who tracked him down.

Many times adoption is the kindest, most loving thing to do.  I've known people who appreciate their bioparent's painful sacrifice.  Not all bioparents are that way, but some are.

I lost a teenaged son to suicide years ago.  For a while I hoped that some girl would contact me and tell me that she was carrying my son's child.  But that was an unrealistic pipe dream.  My son is gone.  Nothing about his will come back except for the terrific pain of his death.

Given what we know about genetics and their massive influence on disease, wanting to know the health of your bioparents is very reasonable.

If two good people can reconnect later in life and share some joy, where is the harm in that?

But I respect those of you who disagree.
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I do realize that it was the son that initiated contact, and I realized that from the beginning.  It is a material difference than a person injecting someone onto your child's life.

What I wrote was the thoughts that an adoptive parent will feel, and a reminder (we've had more that one thread over the years about this) that conceiving a child does not make you the parent.  Moreover, it does not give you rights to make that call beyond what is stipulated in the adoption.

In my case, I am now friends with my son's biological mother.  The biological father made sure that he would not be found.

We have a closed adoption, but I do make a point to send pictures via facebook to the biological mother, and if she is coming through town, we do have her for dinner.  She knows that I understand the difficultly of her decision and that it was made out of love of my son.  And I know that she did. She understands that I never planned to withhold information from my son about the adoption.  But she always knows that we are the parents.

She has often commented that D___ is so lucky to have my wife and I as his Mom and Dad.  

As for the Dad, I met him one... under false pretenses, and under a false name.  She brought a friend by on a trip she was on-- a man that we have never seen before or since. I saw through it easily that he "arranged" to have a picture with him and D___ in it.

But the part that I really understood is when he and I were talking outside.  He commented that he was happy that I was D____'s dad.  I saw it for what it was-- he wanted to make sure that my son was going to be alright, and he shook my hand and -- in so many words--- gave me his blessing and approval.

I'm certain that I'll never see him again.  He provided the biological mother a redacted medical history, and the biological mother provided it to me as well as her own.

I couldn't ask for more, and I appreciate what they did.  But I am his Dad, and my wife is his Mom.  Thankfully, I know that both the biologicals understand that.
Link Posted: 8/22/2017 8:36:05 AM EDT
I was contacted last month by a man who appears to be my brother. My father had a relationship with a woman in 1960, she became pregnant , never told my father, and gave the boy up for adoption.  My father passed away a few years back and I'm rather curious and looking forward to meeting the man.
Link Posted: 8/22/2017 8:49:36 AM EDT
This is a great story.  Good to hear.

Reading some of the other be careful what you wish for posts....I was abandoned before birth by my sperm donor.  I found him not to many years ago.  I am far to old to wish for any father/son connection.  But was very curious, especially about the biological aspect, but in general overall.  Am I anything like the guy who sired me?

Long story short, it appears I am nothing like guy who sired me.  And he still wishes to be free of me and left alone.  It was slightly harsh facing that.  I was thinking, meh...I am long since grown.  I want nothing from him.  A meeting over dinner would be nice just to meet once(I offered to pay).  I cannot fathom giving the same response to another life I created.  This is how I determine I am nothing like him.  But without a doubt, looking at pictures of us side by side, he was the donor.  I was interested in meeting my half brother, but apparently they are cut from the same cloth.

Sometimes life isn't fair.  Don't let that define who you become.  You still have a choice in the matter.  
Link Posted: 8/22/2017 9:31:15 AM EDT
Adoption is a very difficult thing.  Adoption has also changed a great deal in the last 20 years.  Birth-mothers are keeping their children and parenting them regardless if they have NO means to do so or if they are addicted to drugs.  Couples that cannot have children have fewer options.  If medical treatments don't work, then they somehow have to make peace with no children in their marriage.  It's difficult.  It breaks up most marriages.

30 years ago, society encouraged couples to adopt children into couples that had the means to raise children.  I honestly don't understand what society wants now.  We have the means to raise children, but there are no children for us to raise.  My military service and my service connected injury has prevented me from bring children into our marriage.  It been difficult for me and awful for my wife.  Our attempts to adopt have been terrible.  Scammers, open-adoption, and adoption agencies who run ponzi scams are just a few of our experiences.

I don't know what to tell your friend.  He is not this child's father.  The adoptive father raised this child.  At best he was the biological father that had the foresight to make a good adoption plan for his son when he was not in a good position to raise a child.  I applaud his foresight to make the best plan possible for his son.  I hope he can forge an adult relationship that will not try to replace his adoptive father or adoptive mother relationship.
Link Posted: 8/22/2017 9:43:31 AM EDT
See, good things happen when one does not choose abortion.
Link Posted: 8/22/2017 9:46:49 AM EDT
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Good for him...I hope they can establish a healthy relationship.
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Link Posted: 8/22/2017 9:50:19 AM EDT
Awesome story. Hope all turns out well for both of them.
Link Posted: 8/22/2017 11:27:58 AM EDT
My stepdad was adopted as a baby in the 1940's, his adoptive father was a doctor.  The girl who gave him up for adoption was a young nurse who "got in trouble."

(I'm probably the only one in my family who has connected this dot, but from my perspective, my stepdad looked a lot like his "adoptive" father)

Anyway, when he was in his 20's, he found out who his mother was; she was working as a nurse in a doctors office.

He made an appointment at the office.

His nurse/mother took his vitals.

He never said a word to her about who he was.  He said he didn't feel a thing for her, she was just a stranger.

He doted on his adoptive mom though. They were close.
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