A few weeks ago I was at Outback with my GF, eating dinner. 4 very large (fat) women walk in and sit at the table next to us. They sit down and IMMEDIATELY start ordering appetizers - lots of appetizers - before the waiter has a chance to ask about drinks.

I lean over to my GF and say, "I'll take that with a side of (pig snort sound effect)".

Unfortunately, I was a little louder than I thought and followed that up with "Was that as loud as I thought it was?"

While trying to hold back laughter, she says "Yeah, that was REALLY loud...they're going to come sit on us now! We'll never make it out alive!"

But they never looked over...

I know, I'm going to hell...

Which of my other 5503 posts should I refer you to?

other than that... here are a couple:

I was sitting downstairs at my parents' house about maybe 25 years ago, and my sister and her friend (who was overweight) were sitting upstairs.  It was during Grenada, and the news was covering an anti-war rally.  I was with my dad and my brother, and didn't know the girls were up there.  So I said, nice and loud... "they should have an anti-fat rally..."

On another occasion, me and my friends in college (about 20 years old) were all being immature and talking in cheap, phony chinese accents.  

In the food court we had a Mark Pi's Express.  I walked up to the counter one day, and without thinking said "ahahaha, prease to have armond boneress chicken!".  They stared at me, took my money and prepared my food.  Luckily I could see them preparing it...


And a third that I just remembered... I've been working for the same guy for about 6 years now.  5 years ago, as Halloween was coming up, he asked what I thought he should dress up as for the office.  Being a lifelong fan of pirates, I suggested Long John Silver.  Come to find out he lost his leg to cancer when he was 21.  One of his legs is a prosthetic.  I never guessed because he's on the company softball team.

I was working with a fitter once and he stumbled over something in the floor. I told him, "watch it there clubfoot". He told me that I was an asshole and looked down at his feet.  I had worked with the guy for two weeks and never noticed, yep, he had a clubfoot.

My story would get me banned. It has to do with trying to buy a bottle of liquor from the state store while it was raining outside in Montgomery Alabama. The local who was running the register would not let me buy the liquor until I moved my truck from beside the curb to a parking spot out in the lot. It was 2:00 pm in the afternoon.

I slammed the bottle down, gave her my COC non-compliant tyrade, and left the store.

Quoted: Mid 80’s, Germany. We worked late to finish a service on one of my helicopters. My CO stayed to do the run-up for us. Across from the hanger was the BDE HQ parking lot. During the run-up a car pulled into the parking lot. The CO finished the run-up and shut the aircraft down. Just then the driver of the car started beeping the horn. I blurted out “The horn blows, how bout’ the driver!” The CO turns to me and says “That happens to be my wife.”   Opps!

Well... does she? j/k. I was sittin at waffle house with my ex, a girl she worked with and who i thought was the girls boyfriend. Talking about my little brother not ever having a Gf. I said "he might be gay. I hope hes not gay ill disown him. Thats fucking gross." the guy whos sitting across the table from me says "I'm gay." I was embarrased didnt know what to say so i blurted out stay the fuck away from my brother! and left.

Lots of times, but since you mentioned fat chicks at a restaurant - I was sitting in a booth at a restaurant and two girls came in, very overweight.  They walked down the aisle past us, and when they were out of earshot I said to my friend "Oh man there goes a couple of winners!" and we both chuckled.  Well, the booths were up against a wall about a foot higher than the table, with booths on the other side.  In the next booth over was one guy sitting there, I could have reached out and touched him, so he obviously heard me.  The girls came around that side and sat down with him .

My friend and I were picking up some lunch, and in the car parked next to us, there was this dog in the driver's seat... the windows were up and it was probably 90 degrees. It was a fast-food restaurant, so I can't imagine the owner could have been gone for that long. Still, though, I remarked to my friend, "Man, that is an ugly dog, but that doesn't mean it should die in a car like that." I guess I should have paid attention to the person walking toward the car - the owner of the car and dog, who shot me a really dirty look. Whoops.

1980.  A young private in the USMCR was just finishing up cleaning his M-16 near the end of drill when a nearby PFC said "hey, I found a blank round left over in my mag".

Whereupon the rash young private said "Cool, I'll shoot it off".  So he chambered the round, lifted the rifle over his head, and pulled the trigger.

(Note #1:  The BFA of an M-16 reduces the muzzle blast from a blank round by approximately 40-50 decibels, so firing a blank round without the BFA is roughly equivalent to firing a live round).

(Note #2:  There were approximately 40-50 Marines of higher rank ranging from PFC to First Sergeant standing within the general vicinity when the private in our story tried this experiment).

(Note #3:  The muzzle of his weapon was approximatley 5 feet from the ear of a sergeant standing nearby).

Surprisingly, that young private did NOT receive any NJP for this incident, and even got his PFC promotion just a couple of hours later that very drill, despite being on the verge of tears due to the strong but well-deserved verbal admontions of his fellow Marines.