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Posted: 11/20/2002 9:11:45 AM EDT
Story:True.  Names changed to keep my ass out of jail. Fortunatly, the idiot has since moved.

Shortly after the little bastard stole my heart, he got sick on me and had to go to a big-city animal clinic for radiation therapy. Best grand I ever spent. This was about 6-7 years ago. He was still pretty much in the feral stage, although I had gotten him settled down a bit.

I was taking him for a walk on his leash regularly, and this * down the street thought it funny to let his collie out to chase kitty up a tree. This, of course, left me stuck holding a leash in one hand and fending off a 75 pound collie with the other. I admit, it was funny the first time.

I bought a can of pepper spray, plan was to give the poor pooch a quick squirt and hose down the owner with the rest of the can.

That night, I had a couple too many beers while watching TV with kitty on my lap. Kitty and I both woke up feeling not really 100% because kitty had been breathing my fumes. You don't want to mess with a hungover cat.

Anyway, we went for our morning walk, and as usual, the * let the collie out, but I was ready. Or thought I was. I unhooked kitty's leash and put him in the tree and got the shock of my life! Kitty jumped out of the tree and charged the collie! It didn't last very long, Kitty tore the collie up--bad. REAL bad. Last I saw of the dog was watching him run while being chased by one pissed off 7 1/2 pound cat.

The dog's owner came flying out of the house raising all sorts of hell, and as he was carrying on, kitty returned and added fuel to the fire by sharpening his claws on the guy's mailbox post. I hooked kitty back on to his leash.

End of round one.

Late that afternoon,the owner came to my door babbling incoherently about having to cough up $400+ at the vet's office. Seems the collie's snout took quite a beating, seeing there wasn't much meat on it. Every slash kitty had made was to the bone and required stitches. In a way, I felt bad for the dog.

Anyway, the idiot babbled something about 'demanding satisfaction'. I knew he meant restitution, but, being a First Class Clown myself, I decided to take him at his word. I told him to show up Saturday AM at 10:30 with a reliable male witness. Nothing like purposly misunderstanding someone. He showed right on time.

I came out of the house with my hair slicked back, wearing a ruffled front tuxedo shirt with mu moustache trimmed to a pencil-thin, ala Errol Flynn. Then I slapped him with a glove and offered him his choice of swords or pistols.

His 'second' whipped out a cell phone. LEOs. MY second got to the cruiser first and assured him no weapons were out. The LEO seemed both amused and aggravated at the same time and told the pair of us to 'take it to West Virginia'.

"Those hillbillies eat that stuff up," he said. "Either that, or take it to the magistrate. If the dog wasn't on a leash, I KNOW what the magistrate's going to say."

I asked the cop if he's referee a fistfight, he agreed with a grin, if both parties insisted. The idiot skulked away. Took off like a shot.

As he was leaving, the LEO told me that my pencil-thin didn't make me look like Errol Flynn. He said it made me look like a pudgy little Italian organ grinder.

end of round 2.

The cowardly bastard waited until I was at work a week or so later and demanded the money from my wife. The wife told him I'd just spent all of our money on dueling swords,'Which he's never gonna use because you chickened out!'

He left.

end of round 3

When I was home from work, I shot in a CMP match. On my way home, I stopped at Rosa's greasy spoon for lunch along with a couple former marines. In walks the *.  "You gonna write me a check for that money you owe me," he boomed.

" The only thing I'm writing is the Marine Corps puttin' tha cat in for the Navy Cross, after all, he whipped your 75 pound fleabag!"

Almost everyone in the place bust out laughing, and a former marine said:"That's right, put him in for a Navy Cross because if you put him in for a Silver Star, those chairwarmers in Washington will bump it down to a good conduct medal!"  GALES of laughter. The * fled.

The following day I was trying to get out of mowing the lawn. A little kid from across the street came by and asked: Are you weally going to twy get your wittle kitty a medow?"

I decided on the spot, why not, beats mowing. So I went downtown and argued with a major for the paperwork, and it took me a couple of days to get it all completed. I sent it into HQ USMC, and, as I expected, got no official answer.

But about a week later, I found 3 small packages in the mail box with no return addresses, and greater DC postmarks.

2 homemade medals from the hobby shop, and one can of gourmet cat food with a 'Semper Fi' sticker on it.

Kitty doesn't like to wear his medals, but sure ate the gourmet cat food!

The pepper spray got used about 2 months later. I walked into Clancy's and he was likkered up a bit and came at me with threats. I quietly goaded him on and when he tried to grab my shirt, I hosed the bastard down with the entire can. Clancy threw him out, and the next thing I heard of him was a couple years later when someone told me he moved.

Link Posted: 11/20/2002 9:19:31 AM EDT
Originally Posted By piccolo:

The cowardly bastard waited until I was at work a week or so later and demanded the money from my wife. The wife told him I'd just spent all of our money on dueling swords,'Which he's never gonna use because you chickened out!'
View Quote


It was at about THIS point in the story when I pissed my pants.
Link Posted: 11/20/2002 9:24:05 AM EDT
Link Posted: 11/20/2002 9:32:32 AM EDT
Love yer stories pic. Be sure to contact me if you make to Oregon.....Tell kitty hi for me.
Link Posted: 11/20/2002 9:47:16 AM EDT
Funny.  Total bs, but funny.  You ever do any fiction writing?
Link Posted: 11/20/2002 10:03:24 AM EDT
"I came out of the house with my hair slicked back, wearing a ruffled front tuxedo shirt with mu moustache trimmed to a pencil-thin, ala Errol Flynn. Then I slapped him with a glove and offered him his choice of swords or pistols."




I have not laughed so hard in two weeks. Thank You.
Link Posted: 11/20/2002 10:19:23 AM EDT
Originally Posted By trickshot:
Funny.  Total bs, but funny.  You ever do any fiction writing?
View Quote


Not BS. True story.

When the going gets tough, the wierd turn pro.

I've dealt with *s like him using that style for years. Up the ante and wierd the guy out.
When you don't really give a damn about people like that or what the neighbors will think, you can relax and enjoy the outrage!
Link Posted: 11/20/2002 10:22:12 AM EDT
piccolo, Its ok to swear here. You don't need to use *'s[;)]
Link Posted: 11/20/2002 10:23:25 AM EDT
Originally Posted By CAPITALIST:
piccolo, Its ok to swear here. You don't need to use *'s[;)]
View Quote



It's shorthand. doesn't a * look like an asshole?
Link Posted: 11/20/2002 10:32:08 AM EDT
Link Posted: 11/20/2002 10:39:10 AM EDT
Great lunchtime story!  Quite funny!
Link Posted: 11/20/2002 10:42:25 AM EDT
Link Posted: 11/20/2002 10:48:05 AM EDT
If I were an LEO, I'd insist to be put on a beat in your neighborhood, just to handle the calls that would come in.

You have _got_ to get COPS to film in your town.
Link Posted: 11/20/2002 10:53:17 AM EDT
LMAO! I especially tip my hat to the missus; she handled his underhanded attempt excellently!
Link Posted: 11/20/2002 10:55:07 AM EDT
Pic, where do you live in PA.  I'm researching moving with the better half and PA is on our list.  I'd love to live in that neighborhood.  hehehehe

Oh, and your wife rocks...dueling swords...hehehe
Link Posted: 11/20/2002 11:01:22 AM EDT
Thanks Pic for getting me to finally clean my keyboard, before it was just dusty. Now it looks like an impressionist painting.  Today was spagetti for lunch too!

In light of this I suggest a new post rating that indicates the potential for Spewing Comestibles On The Computing Hardware (SCOTCH)[:P] - with food, your favorite beverage, or perhaps other bodily fluids (you know who you are).

1 a few small drops of coffee....

3 a few crumbs of hamburger and mustard on the keyboard...

5 secret sauce spatter pattern on the screen...

7 keyboard locked with partially munched KFC pigeon.

8 screen 75% obscured with milkshake and fries puree.

9 call in the HAZMAT team for decontamination.

Thus:
the pre-seeing eye cat tale (SCOTCH 7)
Link Posted: 11/20/2002 6:11:40 PM EDT
I get to see that every day. Got a 3.5 year old Boxer / Airedale bitch. Add to that a silver tabby tom who's pushing 11 and has no patience for canine exuberance and you get the "watch the cat chase / ride the dog around the house" show every evening.
Link Posted: 11/20/2002 6:19:00 PM EDT
that's some funny shit man!!!!

i wish i was half that creative when it comes to mindfucking the sheeple.

you rock!

-eric
Link Posted: 11/20/2002 6:26:36 PM EDT
Dude that's fkn funny.
Most people dont realize that cats for the most part, take no shit from NOTHING!
When the SHTF kitty style, those cute furry little guys become velcro scissorhands.
Most dogs are afraid of cats for good reason.Cause they've met one.
Link Posted: 11/20/2002 6:43:48 PM EDT
Not as funny as the seeing eye cat at home depot and the wife, but still pretty fucking funny!

Man, that pepper spray is some pretty fun stuff huh? Always cracks me up to see peckerwoods like that crying, snotting, and choking after getting hosed.

Thems some good times!
Link Posted: 11/20/2002 6:47:00 PM EDT
Aye, cats can be very vicious to dogs. on i had as a kid could if you were 6'3" or so hook his front claws in your belt and still have his rear paws on the ground. he could reach over top of a counter top and feel around for food to steal. he did terrorize some dogs in the neighborhood now and then. he was a BIG black cat. tough furball. he jumped through a fanblade on a starting car and caught it straight down the nose. had a scar on his nose for the rest of his life. like some other cats he was a take no prisoners type.
Link Posted: 11/22/2002 12:15:24 PM EDT
I hereby nominate "Kitty" to be the official AR15.com mascot - seconds?
Link Posted: 11/22/2002 12:37:35 PM EDT

I enjoyed the story,[BD] even if I'm not a cat person [%|]
Link Posted: 11/22/2002 12:37:42 PM EDT
Originally Posted By Greywolf2112:
I hereby nominate "Kitty" to be the official AR15.com mascot - seconds?
View Quote


I second the motion on the floor.


I would like to see odds on 'Kitty' vs. sgtar in a King of the Cage match.
Link Posted: 11/22/2002 1:03:46 PM EDT
Awesome story.
The wife told him I'd just spent all of our money on dueling swords,'Which he's never gonna use because you chickened out!'
View Quote

[:D]

Originally Posted By GoatBoy:
Pwnage!

Great story... tell kitty that the goat says hi, he'll understand. [=D]

Now where's my leash... time to take my girbil, Jose, for a walk up by the gay couple's house... [;)]
View Quote


Geez Goat,
Sure Lambchops would approve?
Link Posted: 11/30/2002 8:08:58 PM EDT
Piccolo, you are funnier than hell!  Doesn't matter if the stories are true or as false as anything Sarah Brady ever said, they're still so funny that I have learned to finish eating and put the drink down before reading any of your postings in order to keep from choking to death!

You're my hero!  [;D]

Yeah, a cat can be a hell of a thing to have to deal with.   I've seen them do the Alien Facehugger thing...just add twenty razor sharp switchblades to the equation, and you've got it figured out.  Scary.

Next time you slap somebody in the face with a glove, make sure there's a handful of fired .45 caliber FMJ bullets in it, just to get the message across in a more intense manner!

CJ

Link Posted: 12/1/2002 2:38:41 AM EDT
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