I was gonna GD, but @Iraq_Vet_SSG wanted a new thread. So I'll share here.

Every once in a while, my wife comes out with some good ones. The other night we watched a family movie. It was the Paul Walker one about sled dogs on Antarctica. At some point in the movie there's mention that they are at the South Pole. My wife chirps up and this is what follows:

Her: Wait, they're at the South Pole?
Me: Yup.
Her: But, why's it so cold.
Me: Because it's the South Pole.
Her: But, you're parents live in the south (Florida) and it's hotter.
Me: Yup.
Her: I don't understand.
Me: They're closer to the equator than us so it's warmer.
Her: So, the South Pole is just like the North Pole?
Me: Well, other than the fact that: it's on the opposite side of the planet, it's comprised of land, it has no natural wildlife, Santa doesn't live there, yeah, they're the same.
Her: You think I'm dumb now, don't you?
Me: Do you think you're dumb?
Her: I didn't until I said that out loud.

Her:  Why is our daughter so mean to me?
Me:  She's 16.
Her:  But she's nice to you.
Me:  You're her mother. I'm her father.
Her:  What's that have to do with it?
Me:  It's complicated.
Her:  What do you mean?
Me:  How did you treat your mom when you were 16?  How about your Dad?
Her:  Oh.  Ok.  Do you still love me?
Me:  Of course.

Thanks @smarcus

Come on guys, I know you've got one to share

Me: You’ve sneezed like ten times today.
Wife: it’s probably from all the pollend in the air.
Me: All the what in the air?
Wife: Pollend.
Me: Pollend?
Wife: Why are you asking me like that?
Me: Are you putting a “d” on the end of pollen?
Wife: I . . . am . . . Why am I doing that?

I’m embarrassed to post this one. This is lake Shenipsit, I’m just posting it so you can see it’s shape:

Attached File


I make basic silhouette cutout stickers and give them out to members of the lake association. It’s just a white sticker the shape of the lake. This guy Matt has one on the back of his car. I have one on the back of my truck, a few of our best friends have them on their cars, my sister and brother in law have them on their cars etc

Wife: What state is that sticker on the back of Matt’s car?
Me: [Looks at Matt’s car and sees no state] I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Wife: [points at lake sticker] That one.
Me: You can’t be serious.
Wife: [laughing and embarrassed she doesn’t know what state it is] Michigan?
Me: Oh my God you’re serious
Wife: Wyoming
Me: Babe you are killing me right now.
Wife: Is it Connecticut
Me: It’s the lake at the end of our road. The one I’m a member of. I make those stickers. You have helped me make those stickers.
Wife: . . . damnit

I am going to invite all your wives to afternoon tea.  Your posts will be a center of discussion, and I will be a hero.  If your wives unexpectedly become pregnant, well......

If you have a wife then she wins this thread and you don’t even have to post anything she says.

Lol. There we go boys.

ha that was a good laugh

My wife has literal holes in her brain.  

I don't even know where to begin.
Thank god for booze

LOL when my wife was pregnant, she would get severe bouts of "pregnancy brain" and would constantly spout "Yogi-isms". One that really stuck with me was when she was telling me how good something was.

Short recap:

Me: "So, how was it?"
Her: "It was great! It was the pig's meow!"
Me: "The pig's MEOW?"
Her: "Yup!"
Me:

Hmm, I seem to remember my wife asking me if I was retarded.

Can’t think of one off the top of my head for my wife but this one I witnessed between my brother and his wife.

Brother: the kids are fighting again
SIL; I am not getting involved in this one
Brother: ok I will go be the referee
SIL: be neutral like England
Brother: be neutral like who?
SIL: England, they are always neutral.
Brother: you mean Switzerland, that’s why everybody banks there.
SIL: well they have banks in England to.

This conversation is over 15 years old and is brought up at least once a year at family get together.