This thread in GD made me wonder. You guys must hear some pretty strange shit!

Asked a 18yr old where he worked and hold us he gets a "retard check".  When asked what that was he told us he get's money from the government because he's disabled, which he wasn't.  Said his mom didn't work either & they lived off his "retard check", which we paid for.  With our jobs.  Because we are retarded for wanting to better our lives, family and community.

Twice I've had kids tell me that's my dad/uncle.

Wut?

I'll just say that people are very stupid in general. Underestimate their stupidity at your own peril.

ok, I'll bite.

What's a  "retard check" ?

Probably a disability check of some sort.

Yep!  Also, I met a blind stripper once.

It's crazy how many folks are out there wearing someone else's clothes. I can't remember having ever borrowing pants, but like 1 in 5 people arrested are wearing someone else's.

As in,”that (contraband) isn’t mine- I just borrowed these pants “, or actually wearing someone else’s clothes?

I was able to figure out that the kid told him he gets a check because he is retarded. Probably dissability for some made up thing.

But I can't figure out what the last sentence means.

You would know what that last sentence meant if you worked in Arkansas.

Do we really want to go here? Worked on Standing Rock Reservation for 4 years!

I have some that I still can't explain weird $hit. I have the woman whose life I saved from freezing to death press charges on me because I saved her life but I was not able to save her fingers!

Court case where the guy arrested for domestic violence got up in front of the court and jury and said " The Bit$h would not listen. You know what you have to do when your bit$h does not respect you! You punch some sense back into her!" He pled not guilty and that was just his opening argument!

The night I was clearing a house and found a guy passed out on the floor watching cockroaches crawl in and out of his mouth.

One story I did not experience was the guy who was picked on for having AIDs so he went to a party when everyone was passed out cut his finger and put it in their mouths.

The guy I sent to the hospital because when I went up to him he had taken a pair of scissors and cut his tongue in half and was walking around the town with it in his hand.

The six-foot teddy bear that moved around the town miles away from each other.

The teddy bear that showed up behind my house after my kids moved in it was there for about a month it was leaning on a pole but sometimes when you go past it would be knocked over and come back a little later and it was sitting up.

I told my kids to not touch it as I was not sure if it was placed there as a memorial since I did have an abandoned school behind me.

The deer that sat on it's the hind end like a human. Thought it was a decoy. When I slowed down I saw its head move and after I passed the deer it kind of jumped up and walked on all fours.

The Green egg in the sky that a year after myself and another officer saw it we had someone else state they saw the same thing!

The house I went to look for a missing person that the door was open went in just had a weird feeling. So I came back with Dakota Search and Rescue and the two bloodhounds. Each place I pulled my weapon out the dogs did not like.

This is only scratching the surface of this place! Of weird $hit and crazy stories! All but the kid with AIDs I was there for!

Not getting into some of the really crazy stuff I can't even explain or being to explain.

It was from a wife, complaining about her husband making her have sex with a dog.

"I dont know how it got up there!"

Title to the next book I want to write.

Couple story punch lines-

“Was that up your ass?” (About a screwdriver found on a prowler complaint) (It was)

“And there she was, wearing a crown of dicks!” (Describing the forwarded picture of his wife that spawned the DV)

And, not a punch line, but we recovered a Sawzall with a dildo attachment after a burglary was interrupted... thieves got caught with it, victim had to admit to owning it.

Conversation with a 40ish female in the Solomon rest area on I-70

You know why it is so hot this summer?

No

The aliens are punishing us for not taking better care of the earth

(Here I always thought it was hot in Kansas because it was July)

Responded to the ER for a female who was in getting a PERK - physical evidence recovery kit. It’s very invasive: plucking, swabbing, photos, etc.  When I got there, she was a 20ish female in a room with her husband. In my most empathetic manner, I explained we’d have to go over everything in detail and maybe she didn’t want her husband there. Well, she did. So, we go through everything step by step in great detail. She tells me how she has an argument with her husband, goes to her ex boyfriend’s house and has consensual sex with him. I’m very confused. I ask the husband to step out.

I say,”I must be missing something, because you have not described a rape to me. You are describing two people willingly having sex.”

She says, “That’s right, I was never raped.”

I asked, “ Why did you get a PERK? That’s for rape and sexual assault.”

She responded, “I was assaulted. The next morning we got in an argument and he punched me in the face.”

This poor girl just sat there front of her husband and described in the smallest detail her affair. And what’s more, she endured an awfully uncomfortable procedure, which occurred nowhere near her face.

I assume that someone got confused when she checked in, telling them about having sex and getting assaulted, and listed it as a sexual assault.

To this day I wonder if she thinks that’s the SOP for everyone that’s been punched.

I had a guy call in a rape that had just occurred. I get there are guy starts yelling drunkenly that he's been raped, crowd is forming and they all want to take justice out on this "Sexual Predator" I shoe away the forming crowd and ask him to tell me what happened from the beginning. Guy says he's hanging out at Burger King and this guy picks him up and they go get chicken and booze then head out to the river to get drunk and the whole time the other guy is making advances on him. Willingly decides to go back to his apartment where guy now offers to suck our victims dick. Im expecting this to turn into a forced situation but our victim says.

"I told him whoah! I'm no faggot dude but if you wanna suck my dick that's on you bro! im all about life and having fun but im no faggot" So I clarify he willingly let the other guy blow him "Well, yeah, but im not gay" so I ask if there's more to the story trying to contain my laughter. guy continues to go on and on about how he wasn't gay and they continued to drink and talk about living together until the guy starts blowing him again then asks victim to "Fuck him". Our victim says he stood up and said "Im no faggot, you can blow me but im not fucking you, that's gay and that's rape" then he storms out of the apartment and starts screaming rape.  had to spend 20 minutes explaining to him that willingly getting felatiated is not rape. This is the cliffs notes version because he kept going on and on for about an hour about how he wasn't gay, buuuuuuuuuuuut, he's all about life and fun. Best part is at the very end as im driving him home he tells me, I can't believe he did this to me again! WAIT WHAT? so guy says the exact same thing happened six months ago and that's why they stopped hanging out

That report was fun to write