First of all I grew up in church, my parents (mainly mother) always had us in church and taught us the ways of the Lord. As I grew up, I grew away. Far away spiritually...very far. The things I seen man do to each other allowed me to question Gods existence and I hate to admit it...even cursed him. I thought how could he allow children to be molested, neglected and the bad people seemed to get away with it. These thoughts plus me chasing material things allowed me to go further away from him. For a long time I have felt like something huge was missing in my life, it was him!
With the Covid-19 thing and along with other stuff happening in the world I started working myself up the other night. So much so I started having a little bit of anxiety. Now mind you I’ve been fights, had guns pointed at me and all other kind of stuff over 20 years of being a cop I was never phased while it was happening. I hardly ever got worked up afterwards, I just thought damn that was close. So I turned to him the other night, I prayed along with some YouTube prayer videos and I felt relief but I still had my doubts if he had forgiven me for not being faithful and being blasphemous. I still had something in my heart...
Tonight after talking to a friend (another fellow cop) about things at work I became uneasy again. After speaking with him I prayed along with the YouTube prayers but it didn’t seem to have the same effect as it did a couple of days ago. I am working a part time gig at an empty Christian College right now and I decided to go in the chapel auditorium, as I began to walk up the stairs facing a painting of Jesus looking over a city I started to tremble. My eyes welled up with tears and my lip quivered. I felt a tingling sensation in my fingers and toes, my breathing became heavy... I apologized to the Lord for every wrong that I could remember. I apologized for leaving him, for wasting so much precious time. I begged him to forgive me and take away my guilt...and forgive me of my sins. I continued to walk up the stairs and I approached an alter, I prayed for about five minutes. I felt.....light, like so much was lifted from me. The void that’s been in my heart for years is no longer there. I have been forgiven....
As I walked away I was weak, very weak. As I type this last paragraph it’s been about 2 hours since this has happened, it took me so long to type this because major things are happening at work and I keep getting pulled away from this. I am still weak, I feel like I have been in the most intense workout I have had in a long time. I am back on the righteous path but I have so much to do. I hope he gives me time on this earth to make up for the waisted years...
I just wanted to share my joy with you all, I called me buddy and told him. He is very happy for me. I get back with you all soon...God bless