Just tell those people "I hope you have a better day tomorrow"

Thought of you fellers on this one.
The world and the flesh can be a mad house of pain but The Cross stands as hope that things can be made new.

Actually made me smile when I saw this thread on here! I wrote a whole list of problems I'm having on here only to see I'm limited to 2000 characters because of a new account. I've been in LE for 23yrs but the last 10yr I've worked in a jail. Basically, I hate my job, hate my life, and don't see any light for the future. I lost all passion for my career a couple years ago and now it's just a job that I hate. Can't find anything else to do in my area and I'm becoming to "experienced" for other quality jobs. The only thing that keeps me above ground is I'm not a quitter and I just can't go out a quitter after having lived through all I've done. I could possibly retire in 5yrs but because of a technicality I have to put in an extra 5yrs or pay a ridiculous penalty. I can't do another 10yrs. Well thanks for listening

I wish I would have died alongside my wife, it would have been easier than this

That's rough man! IDK if you have kids but if so think about them and focus on making time for them. If not turn your energy inward. I've used hobbies and self betterment to get me through some tough times. I hope you can over come this!

@newwolf1977

There's really no advice that anyone can give me

ETA - A lot more to say but it's late and I'm tired

I'm sorry to hear that.  You can always talk if you need to express your feelings.

Hmm

Really struggling this weekend. Kids are away with their mom, on vacation. It’s her birthday and would have been our 22nd wedding anniversary.

When they’re here I can fall asleep at night. For a Saturday and Sunday I can pretend my family is what it used to be. My eight year old always snuggles up and we watch a movie and I fall asleep like I’ve been drugged.

When they’re gone my chest hurts and my gerd flares like I’ve swallowed a bushel of ghost peppers. And for a few hours I don’t cry at the drop of a hat.

Every Sunday I stress, wondering if tomorrow will be the last day of my contract. If next Friday will be my last paycheck.

I hate this life.

I wish it had been me instead of her, I really think she had enough of a support network that she would have pulled through a loss better than I have.
Been 3 1/2 years and it still hurts, not going to eat a gun or anything but not going to worry about my drinking anymore.

@motoguzzi

I read your post two days ago but just couldn't reply. I can't get the thoughts in my brain into words and type out what i want to say.

All I know is, is that I hate the life I have now. I'm existing and not living. I need to be able to figure this out soon.

I hope your health problems you posted about today turn out ok. I'm the same way about worrying and over thinking.

Look back at all the times things seemed impossible for you since this all started.  You are still here and moving forward.  Just keep going and things have a way of working out even if we can't see it.

I feel tired this morning but I’m soldiering on. Trying not to think about how much yesterday’s visit to the ED cost me.  It is what it is, I guess worrying won’t help.

Update! I'm doing a lot better now. I quit my old job a couple months ago and went to a bigger carrier driving OTR, and living the flatbed life. I'm currently on my 34 in Crivitz WI, hauling a load of steel. It was a struggle for a while, and to be perfectly honest, it still is. But I'm loving my new job, and couldn't ask for anything better. I have some good friends back home, including her cousin and her brother who are both disgusted with her behavior. Apparently she's been running through every guy she can, telling them all the things she told me, but doesn't bother me anymore. She is the way she is, and I'm glad that she revealed herself to me after 2 years instead of 20.

Anyways, I'm talking to a beautiful Hispanic girl that lives about 30 minutes from me. She's a couple of years younger than me (I'm 36) and we both share a lot of values and interests, as well as similar painful romantic experiences. Plus I'm half Hispanic and it's important to me to have someone somewhat like myself in that regard. So, we're going to see where that goes. But I'm not going to stress over it if nothing comes of it.

I'm feeling pretty good. Not great, but better than I was.

I've posted my story in team a few times....

It been a rough patch lately. I'm living in a Christian outreach center in bartlesville ok.

I lost my job yesterday, which sent me spiraling into a deep bipolar depressive state. My meds have basically stopped working. Thankfully I go to the doctor tomorrow.

I could definitely use some prayers.

Prayers sent friend.

I hope living where you are you’re at least around decent people.

Some are decent, but most are "recovering" addicts. I have never been around addicts, so I a fish out of water.

If they have group sessions maybe go listen to their stories. Some will be sincere and some will be full of shit. You’ll be able to tell which is which.

Sometimes a recovering addict will have decent “real world” wisdom to impart. Ask me how I know.

I don’t know if that would help you in your particular situation but it can’t imagine it would hurt at all.

I hope you and your doc can get things sorted out.

Walked out into the woods behind my house, whistling ‘Spanish Harlem.’

Spent a long hour staring at the trees behind my chicken coop, about 3/4 mile behind my barn. Looked down at the S&W 3913 I’d grabbed from my Jeep, and did a 40-meter mag dump into a steel plate on the end of the fence. Came back inside and drank a bourbon.

Not today.

"Not today" = one more day of victory.

Not sure why I'm posting here.

Came through my first divorce feeling bitter about being so naive in my youth, yet hopeful and motivated about the future.

Second divorce was amicable but took something out of me.  Among other things, I had hoped to provide my children with a positive example of marriage while they are still young enough to benefit from it.  We had so much potential.  I now understand that marital success was never going to be tolerated.  I'll need to wait at least 5 more years before daring to contemplate another relationship with a woman.

Patience can become resignation.

On the bright side, peace is a blessing.

Indeed. I've been thinking of this quote today:

“Never think of pain or danger or enemies a moment longer than is necessary to fight them.”
― Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

Today my kids helped do a major clean up inside and out, then my ex stopped by to pick them up on her way home from her travel nursing gig. It’s only about the third time she’s been by the house since she left in 2019. It’s weird. My house is OUR house. We bought it and renovated it together. Even almost three years later it seems like she just left yesterday and it feels like she’s just stepped out to work or go shopping. Every room, every piece of furniture, it’s a reminder of our life together.  There are parts of our house that I’ve literally left untouched since she left.

My ‘middle’ daughter (16) hasn’t spent a day with her mother since we split. She lives with me full time; the rest of the kids split their time fifty fifty between me and my ex. In the last couple months, I’ve really striven to get her to talk to her mom and rebuild their relationship; she’s at that age where kids want everything to be black and white. She’s told her mom that cheating on me and walking out on us (and marrying the guy she cheated on me with)was the worst thing anyone could ever do and she can’t forgive her. I’ve tried to help rebuild their relationship. My ex constantly asks how she’s doing and she told me how much it hurts that her own daughter has disowned her. She thanked me for pushing for a reconciliation between the two of them and she said that she appreciated how I was trying to get them on better terms. She said it was really kind of me to want our kids to be a part of her life—the ex wife of her new husband had done nothing but argue and sow dissension with her husband and his child from that marriage.

I wasn’t trying to rub her face in it but I said that I know how much it hurts when someone you love cuts you out of their life and I don’t want that to happen with her and our daughter.

I’m really hurting and I’m at the point where I wish it would all just go away. My younger daughter is turning 12 next week, Labor Day weekend. We used to have a wonderful family barbecue and get together. I just miss when our family was whole. It feels like there’s this huge empty void in my chest. I miss the person who’d been my other half for 22 years. I didn’t have the luxury of auditioning replacements for a couple years before our marriage ended. I just feel empty, tiny and alone.

I feel this so much man. I was engaged not married, and no kids, but we had also remodeled our home together blood sweat tears, made things how we wanted for us etc. Everything is a reminder. Made an extra strong stair rail for when her dad would visit. Everywhere I turn is some memory.

Now she's gone. When she ended things she refused to talk to me, no idea about anything for months, tried to contact her a few times and she filed for restraining order just for emails trying to reconcile (It was dismissed). I really think that if it was a death it would have been much easier, you can be left with the thought that they still loved you. but to have someone who still exists but doesn't want what you do is very hard to deal with.

I came here because it was only today that I finally got some final items she had of mine, then she made sure to write in the note to never contact her any way "not even smoke signals" ha. It's really hard and it puts some finality on it that I was denying I guess. You have two people that really loved each other and had something good, and then one willing to throw it away for whatever reason. You don't get any relief, you have to sit with it. It's beyond hard. You just want the pain to stop

I needed to hear this thank you. Some days I don't think I will make it but I try to do "just one more day"

Jesus dude, move on. You can't even bear the thought that it's your house.

That person you miss doesn't exist anymore, maybe they never did.

I don't know if it's been addressed yet but have you tried counseling yet? I really feel for you, especially your job disaster but you've got to move on.

You're even trying to influence your daughter. You're daughter is RIGHT!  Quit pushing her back to the bitch that abandoned you all.

This. It is not her house. It is YOUR house. You need to get out there and meet someone. Even just for fun. Your ex dropped you and your family like it was nothing. You are far too nice to her.

Sick of life. Just, well, unhappy. Bored.

Looking forward to the midterms at least. Should provide some amusement no matter how they turn out.

I would not usually write anything like this, as I take care of myself, but I have been basically by myself for going on 2 years now without anyone to talk to or confide in and I am about to freak out. I have no job, as I resigned my position to take care of my father who was dying of COPD, and he died 4/18/21...I took all the money I had saved for a home, and all my 401k money out during the pandemic, and used it to support both my mom and dad, so now I had no savings left, no 401k, no job, and both my best friends, mother, father, and my patients all died, and I have been left with this huge hole that I cannot patch...

I went to college late in life, and during the last summer before my last semester at UNLV, on 7/30/14 my father almost died of respiratory and heart failure due to COPD...After 19 days in a coma, he pulled out of it, But My mom was 5-2" and dad was 6-3", so I moved back home to help my mom take care of my dad....Well, I graduated, got a job at a commercial bank, and things were going great, saved 40k for a house, got my own department in the division, things are ok with dad, he is retired, and doing okay, and mom can take care of him mostly on her own, so I decide to buy a house in 2018... Mom was diagnosed with stage 3-4 eppiglottal cancer on 2/8/18...My house plans are put on hold...Mom retires from her little job as a cashier, and we start the battle with cancer...She has to have a trachea and feeding tube installed in 6/18, and from that day on my mother never ate or drank through her mouth again, and I never heard her voice again...

So, I am working 50 hours a week at work, paying for the household as everyone is dying and retired, and a bit of money is coming in from dividends etc... I am taking care of mom all night, take her to the toilet 10 times a night, feed her, clean her, etc...Then I get to go to bed and get 3 hours sleep sometimes, to wake up at 6:00 am to make sure she is fed through her tube, her tubes are cleaned and I grind up her medicine and use a syringe to give her meds, and how I feed her with Assure through her tube, and then go to work...

After work, I go and pick up food for dad and myself, go to the pharmacy to pick up their prescriptions, and then stop by the cleaners to pick up my suits, and come home eat, and take care of mom and dad until the evening, and repeat... Mom dies 4/10/19...

Well, I gain a bit of weight, as my mom and me were best friends...Yes, I was a mommas boy, but mom was not a normal mom, she stood her ground with me, a real asshole, my dad a super savage and a man who believed all women belong in the kitchen and get me a sandwich, and my brother the violent drug addict...

She was a bad ass...When she was dying, never once cried, or felt sorry for herself, she read her little books and watched tv with me and just took it like a fucking Viking warrior...She is my hero, and hope i am as brave when faced with such shitty situation....

So, now it is pop and me, and I keep working and on 1/17/20, I come home from work and found my dad on the bathroom floor, barely breathing...I get him to his bed, get him his breathing treatment, and he starts feeling better...He had his I've fallen and i cant get up necklace was on the charger, and he usually carries a special home phone with big numbers and super loud, as dad could not use a regular phone, but that was also on the charger...He woke up, wheeled himself to the toilet, and when he got up from the can, he got light headed and fell over, and he could not get back up...All his safety devices were being charged...

I knew I needed to get him care while i was working, so I took some FMLA time and was going to find someone to caretake for dad during work..Well  in house care is 30-40/hr and that is what I make, and as I am trying to find someone to take care of dad Covid hits, so i decided, instead of my dad being cared for by strangers and bringing in covid,and I decided since MY ENTIRE CHECK WOULD GO TO HIS CAREGIVER ANYWAY, I decided to resign my position so I would not bring home covid, and became my dads full time caregiver...

Now, dad was a big guy 6-3" 220lbs and had the appetite of 3 obese vikings...This man could eat, and eat and eat, and lose weight while eating...I on the other hand would just watch my dad eat, and i gained 6 lbs...LOL...Well, it was just dad and me every day, and I started to eat like he was eating, double double burgers 2 fries, etc.... and I was eating like mad during the pandemic, because I quarantined us, I had resigned, and we were fairly prepared as my family were semi preppers...So, just go pick up stuff from the store 1 time a month, and we never got covid...But I gained, during this period, about 120lbs...

Well, the weight gain caught up with me and i got to 320lbs, and on 1/14/21 I fell over in my hallway and died...I made some noise, and my pop heard me and asked what the fuck is causing all that racket....And when i didn't respond, he found a way to get himself onto his walker and got over to the hallway and found me dead...I was there for 10ish mins when he found me, and it took 5 more for the ambulance to arrive...I had no pulse, no respiration, and I am blue, not turning blue...Im blue...

The ambulance gets there, and the one EMT says to my dad, this guy is dead, and my dad said well then save him...They threw me on the gurney and one jumped on top of me and started beating the shit out of me, and during the chest compressions he cracked my sternum, and broke or cracked 7 ribs...They get me in the ambulance, and paddle me and paddle me and paddle me, 5-6 times in a mile from my house to the nearest hospital...

I get to the hospital, they keep paddling me until i stabilize...I go into a coma and on day 10 of my coma the hospital tell my dad I am not going to make it, I was without oxygen too long, and sorry...Well, while my dad is making funeral arrangements, on day 13 I open my eyes, am up for about 10 mins, and then go back into my coma for another 3 days...When i awake, I do not know my name, where I live, the state I am in, my age, I know nothing...All I ask is where is my dad, and where are my pups... I didnt even know what had happened to me, didn't even ask the nurses, and hell i didnt even know my own name, but knew I had to take care of my family...I spent my 50th birthday in a coma...

Well, I guess I had a glucose level of over 1300 and an A1C of 20 when I was admitted into the hospital...I had caused myself to get diabetes and didn't know it, and it tried to kill me...

Well, after i wake, I am in the hospital for another couple weeks, and I am starting to get some of my memories back, but could barely talk, and could not walk...I taught myself to walk again, and am still learning how to spell and make words go together and make sense...Many of my memories are dead...I can be thinking of an old memory, and the memory just turns to black, and I have large pieces of my past that I can't remember, and don't even know i have forgotten some things, and may never know...

Well, I get out of the hospital, and start the road to recovery, somehow, my dad was able to take care of himself for a month or more while i was in the hospital..He ordered food, and some groceries...But the house was nasty, the toilets nasty, he couldnt take out the trash...The house was doomed...LOL...But, we keep stroking along until 4/10/21, the memorial of my moms passing...My dad finally breaks down and mourns his wife, and this caused him to pop a hole in his lung and created a tension pneumothorax, and 2 days later he is in the hospital...His lungs are so destroyed from the COPD, they cannot fix or repair the hole, so to see if his body would do it on its own, they put him in a coma for a few days...But the hole just got bigger and bigger, so on 4/18/21, I have to have the plug pulled on my pop...

The ladies at the hospital were great, because they pulled my pop out of the coma, got him on meds and were getting him prepared, as well as that gave me time to say my goodbyes...I brought him pictures of me and mom and his lil pups, and of camp pendleton, and other things he liked, told him he was never a burden to me and i loved him, thanked him, and I lied to him, because i told him I could not wait until he would get to come home; and his eyes lit up and he shook his head yes...Well they put him back under, I held his hand until he was gone...and that was how i became the last of the family and how I lost my last friend, my dad, and my last patient...

I have no wife, no kids, I dont have any grandparents or cousins...for the last 10 years i was either getting my ass kicked going to college at 40, or was working and taking care of my dying parents...So, no friends, no girlfriend...I only have my dogs and this huge empty house and money left to me, but let me tell you, even with the money, there is no joy, because I have no one to give to, I have no one to share it with, and i have no one that cares if i live or die...Money is great, but i see how rich people can feel so alone and worthless...Money is not the true treasure of life, it is good friends and your family...Only thing that matters, and I dont have anyone...I have nothing...

Now, my president has called me a threat to my own country...We are outmanned, outgunned, out teched, and we are not being supplied by the government and we have no country like the US to arm us like we do every other country... But, the Antifas and BLMs are being supplied, and they are being paid and trained and supplied, and armed by both the government and the charities and donors, and they are doing all this to kill me... to kill me!!!???!!!  Hell, I started looking at getting geared up, and realized it will be so much money that i stopped, ordered nothing, and i am done...I have given up...

My house is being taken over by homeless people, the church next door allows it and All I can do is try and sell my house, but just painting my house is 17k, and everything I have gotten bids on are 3-5X more than I ever imagined...I will go broke trying to fix up this house, and then if it doesn't sell I just get to lose the house and the money and be homeless...Naw..rather die...

I have no more fight in me...I have been mentally and emotionally compromised and I just don't have the will to keep fighting with the cops, and the homeless and the church, and the president, and the liberals, and, and...And do it all by myself...

But, I trust very few people, and the ones I did trust, are dead now...I just don't know if I want to go through the hell which we all know is coming for us, all of us, and I have nothing to fight for anymore...I have basically lost hope, and that was the only thing keeping me around, that and since I know not one human, and if i smoked myself, my poor dogs would eventually have to eat me and they dont deserve to have their last human family member abandon them as well...You dont do that to family...

The pups have been through a lot themselves...One was my moms dog, Emma, and the other was my dads dog.,..Sarra...They have lost their family too, I am all that is left, and I am a poor substitute for their ma lady and their dad guy...But I am doing my best!!!

I have to hold on until they go, as they are too little to having the humans they love abandon them, because they are really great dogs, and been through enough to have to go through any more, so I will suffer through all this hell until they go, and then I can finally go home...

Thanks for well, reading this, or whatever...I just needed to get this off my chest, as I am tough guy, and I take care of me and mine, but I think I have gone past what I can bare anymore, and i just need a hug from my mom...LOL...oh well

thanks...

@lvjeffro

I sent you an IM

Teared up a bit reading this. If even 10% of what you said is true, you’re the best man I’ve never met. It seems you’ve been tested to the limit, and passed with flying colors. You need to be extremely proud of how you handled everything thrown at you, and know you did the right thing every time. There are brighter days ahead for you.

You are in my prayers brother.

Life is hard and I lost a college friend last week. He was 39 years, athlete, attorney, and really great guy. Reason for death isn’t being released.
Damn if it doesn’t make my day hard loosing a teammate and not knowing to be there for him.

Something has got to change. I'm basically a vegetable now with zero options. Trapped cause when the ACA took effect I moved temporarily to work for someone with insurance and that's when shit wen to crap. I had high risk insurance through blue cross and the state in TX, by law I paid 200% of what a healthy person paid. ACA killed it first day and the ACA did a deal where you got into a 3 county area. I live in a very very rurl and poor area at the time. No hospitals. No clinics, few doctors. Slipped down from fantastic insurance to nothing. No in the state I'm trapped in they assign you a nurse that will refer you to someone else and that's it. Limited to one visit every few months. I can barely walk to get in a car. It sucks. Totally out of opitons. But I got a prescription for mass doses of ibuprofen which I can buy over the counter.

Zero options. Go to a nurse/doctor and they never heard of what I was originally diagnosed with so they look it up on a phone and then lecture you about it, wtf. It's a childhood only disease. Sucks zero options. On top of that i NEVER see the same doctor twifce. they all quit or move/firedor whatever.


20 years of that high risk never made a claim. I figured the other day with a reasonable rate of return I could have bought a very nice house. For nothing.Now I get to see a fresh nurse that is only qualified to treat a cold or drug addict.

Really struggling tonight. All I can think about is ending things but then I look over at my dog and I know I have to be there for him. I just want the pain to stop. Reading this thread helps.

Damn man.  I have no eloquent words or anything.  I haven’t walked in your shoes.  Just know that there are people here who care.  

As others have said,  one more day.  You just never know what good can come tomorrow.  

@crssbns Hang in there man. People do care. I have been there and things can get better.

Just wanted to let you know I am thinking about and praying for you

@NathanL

I don't want you to think that you've been ignored. I wish I had something helpful or encouraging to say beyond the standard stuff, but I just have no real experience with that particular world. I really hope you find something that helps.

I'm doing better today but the last few weeks have been hard. It hits like a dark cloud and its pretty scary because you really don't see any way out. When you're out of it you realize things are worth living for but when you're in it you don't see that at all. I just try my best to pull out when it hits me. I appreciate the kind words it helps.

I dont know how I made it this long. I really dunno how my family made it so long with me. Depression since a teen and its always been a huge struggle. I only wished I knew how to make everyone else that I have emotionally burdened/hurt better. Going to take quite a bit of time.

Tuesday I had my 1st Ketamine infusion and was instantly better. Not kidding or exaggerating at all. Its nothing like antidepressants that take weeks to work and then fail after some time. Tomorrow is my 3rd treatment and I am completely different. My body was in a tension state constantly. My mind was so full/cluttered I thought it was the end of my life. People around me could tell the difference as well.

Not saying for anyone else to take this path, but if you have failed on meds over and over and there seems to be no where to turn you may want to consider it. I had no other direction to go.

I wished everyone was well.

I’ve struggled so much these last few months. From Friday to Sunday I can hug and cuddle my kids and if I’m lucky I’ll fall asleep and dream that I still have a family.

I’m feeling like things are over. I just want the pain to end.  I did ketamine and it did wonders for a time. It’s too expensive to keep up with maintenance treatments. I’ve been unemployed for 5 years because I had to care for my Mom. She died last year. My dog a week later my cat a week after that. Been living off the life insurance.  

Trying to get back into corrections which is the only thing I can do that’ll pay 50-70K with benefits and I failed the physical. 2 weeks to try again. Money is almost gone. Had to fight a year long legal battle because of shitty family. That all got dismissed because of video I had. . Had my guns taken away. They don’t need red flag laws to just do it.Got them all back after almost a year.  A cop stole my $500 Microtech. My whole life has been a struggle. PTSD from child abuse. Only had one GF in my whole life  and I’m 58. Everything seems like it’s just too late now. A wasted life. I’ve accomplished nothing.

In another dark cycle cannot sleep and feel extremely lonely. I’ve been distancing myself from my family because they are always posting pictures of their kids and how happy they are and it reminds me of what I almost had. Hoping posting in here will help me snap out of it. I know I’m not special and I feel guilty crying out for the pain to stop because I know I’m one of many who feel the same. Why do I deserve special treatment. I don’t.

@dbmers

That's a rough ride. PTSD here from the same thing. Glad you are at least trying to get back into corrections. That's a positive.
Hate to hear you had to stop the Ketamine. $500 for the 1st 6 here.
Staying alive is an accomplishment considering how bad, lonely and depressed some of us are. It's an awful thing. Wished I had better words to help.

You do have a family. Your ex did you a favor. Why would you still want to to be with someone like that? You need to get out there and meet people.

That’s just the tip of the iceberg.
Fortunately the clinic was kind enough to give me the first responder discount even though I’d been out for a long  time so it is 250 a session, but right now that’s too much. If they would get Spravato my healthcare would pay for that.

@dbmers

Check with some other clinics and see if you can find one that does the spray.

@white_Wolfe

Yeah I checked. Couldn’t find anywhere offering Spravata locally. I go to one of the largest clinics in the country Ketamine Wellness Centers. Some of their clinics have it. They said the one here is supposed to get but they aren’t sure what the hold up is.  I think I waited too long in between treatment. I did a 2 hour a couple weeks ago and it didn’t last long.  I think I need to to the series again. They suggested just doing a 3 session treatment instead of the 6.  2 hours was trippy AF.   There was a time when it was like I just popped into existence from nothing.  I didn’t know who I was, what I was, where, when, or how I was. It was a freaky experience. Scary too. The closest thing I can compare it too is like maybe being born. The auto BP cuff inflating brought me back to the room again.
You’re at pretty low doses to start. They up it every time because of a quick build up of tolerance.  I stated in the 40mg an hour area. I’m at 85mg now.  What’s crazy is partiers use ten times that. I couldn’t handle that. That’s nut




ETA: When you get to higher doses where you’re further under be careful what you talk about or think about before it takes effect.  One session the nurse and I were talking about antifa and the rioting.  When the ketamine was in full swing I started having thoughts that the nurse was antifa lol and that she was going to kill me while I was out, or keep me in this state forever.
Always go in and talk about positive things and listen to calm music.

I have never heard of the Ketamine treatments. I'm going to read up on that. It sounds like it has helped some of you guys.

Ketamine, psylosibin, and LSD micro dosing treatments are doing great things for people these days.

@dbmers

I cant imagine 10 times the amount. Nuts is right. I have only had 3 infusions, but they have all been pleasant. I do think calming music helps. I wouldnt want to do it without it myself. I use bi-neural beats type music. I will sure try to keep my thoughts and conversations positive.

The part about just being born would be freaky.

Try to stay strong. Depression makes you think its not worth it.