So, lots of anger going around the forum lately, and I’ve spewed my share.  I let my membership lapse, and had spent way too long typing a “blistering”  reply to the Cyber Monday membership sale thread Link.  I went to refresh the thread to make sure I didn’t miss anything before posting, when I saw this thread.  This is a great place.  The Avilia’s are good people.  (Off to re-up.)

I don't know anymore, im from a generation of shit, but apparently i get the front row seat. Were all here together  just hold together is all i can say. When you look at people that have it worse,  soon you see you don't have it that bad. Just a faze and you'll pull thou.

@ZoToL
I'm here in the nek and lotsa good people and of course knuckleheads too. Difficult time of year, our state color should be gray at least for the winter!

winter blows, wish i could hibernate like a bear. But thats more to do with family issues and covid that actual winter. Im stuck near a city  so  some good people  lots of drugs killing it.

2 days ago I ate breakfast, felt nausea all day, then 12 hours later burps smelled like breakfast... uh oh.

Last night started with a pounding headache, progressed to puking acid all night, 6 times I think,  even swishing and swallowing baking soda water immediately throat is burnt so bad i can't talk.

Every time I drank anything more than one swallow of baking soda water (7 up, even just water) it comes back up within 30 minutes. And by "it" I mean concentrated acid...

I don't know what's wrong with me, not likely to be food poisoning, maybe a virus. Who knows.

Anyways, just bitching. Going to try and sleep, hope yall are doing ok.




I feel like I'm about to puke again...

Is your vomit greenish yellow?

It has been a couple weeks.  I hope things are falling in line for you.  

I got my first paycheck last week, which was nice. My lawyer got a continuance until February but I received a letter from the nursing board saying unless I gave them a notarized statement in the next two weeks they are suspending my license. So much for due process.

Give them a statement that they request.

Fixed.

Well, long talk with my lawyer today. He’s down with Covid but still working via phone and computer. Kentucky wants me to make a notarized legal statement under oath, plus undergo a mental health assessment by a physician of their choice, failure to comply means an immediate suspension/revocation of my license. My lawyer is finding an associate to represent me in Kentucky, as he is representing  me in WV (where the hospital was). So I’m essence I have to defend myself in four (so far) proceedings:WV nursing board, WV DHHS, WV criminal, and KY nursing board.



I hate being on this planet.

It would be a really good idea if you delete all of your postings from this thread.  There are things you have shared, that will not make you look good if they find your posts.

You aren't alone.  Spend as much time with your older daughters, as you possibly can.

This years Christmas Depression didn’t even hit until today. Probably because it hasn’t even felt like Christmas season whatsoever this year.

Was having a personal conversation on the phone today that suddenly triggered a flood of emotions. Had to pull over on the side of the road for a bit to work it all out.

It’s amazing how far you can come, mentally, just to be cast right back into the depths of your own despair.

It’s also amazing how emotional pain can manifest itself as physical pain once it hits a certain point.

Every part of my body is screaming for me to isolate myself, but getting ready to go visit family regardless. Just going to force myself to go, and already pre warned them where I’m at.

I’m sorry for everyone out there struggling through the holidays. I truly am. If anyone needs someone to talk to, just reach out. I don’t have any solutions, but I do have empathy, and have certainly experienced my fair share of demons.

I wish everyone the best through the weekend.

Just stopping in to say hello to everyone in this thread. Today can put unreasonable pressure in certain ways on not just us but everyone we meet, know and might know in the future. That being said , you never know what the other person/ people are going through so I'll ask everyone to be gentle and have a nice night and happy new year! I really like it here and learn from you all.
Solid

What part of KY are you in? I am here in Pike County

I think it's probably too late for that. The state has investigators that will find his online presence and see his posts of him contemplating suicide.

My license is officially suspended, I’ve got an ulcer and I’m shitting blood, I don’t have any more money for my lawyer, I returned half of my kids Christmas presents today so I could keep the gas and electric on through January. I really don’t give a fuck if some investigator somehow connects me to this fucking thread or not.

Sounds like you've given up on your nursing career?

I don’t want to give it up.  I’m trying to come up with enough money to pay to fight this. And if I manage to get reinstated then I have to find another job. It’s a little overwhelming.  As soon as I got the notice I was suspended I had to call my new employer and tell them, and effectively ended my job. It sucked. It really sucked. If I get reinstated I don’t think they’re gonna take me back. Due process seems to be an absolute joke.

Was this the same job where you got attacked by a mental patient?    If so, it was a horrible job anyway.  
Have you ever though about just up and moving.  Restarting life?   I know you’d miss your children, but it seems you are perhaps at the point where all options should be considered.   Load the car and just go. Bring the 15 year old if she wants to go?   Lmk.   I’d send you gas money, and I bet a few other people would to.   Sometimes, a change of scenery is good for the soul.   Sometimes, it’s necessary.

I cannot emphasize how much I hate the holidays. They turn me into a monster.

Very much this. I made a big change a few years ago. I was at such a low point in my life that I was having chest pains, and each time they'd happen I would hope that this time it was the real deal. I actually had one episode that involved coughing and a weird sensation in my right arm. I was talking with a coworker that I didn't like, and the hardest part of that for me was keeping a straight face, because of how funny the thought of how bad it would mess that guy up if I dropped dead in front of him. That was.....bad times.

The change I made brought its own stress and difficulties. It wasn't a picnic, but it was absolutely worth it. I don't make as much money as I did back then, but you just can't put a price tag on not being miserable and angry all the time.

Yeah, they won't take you back. You are a liability to them if a patient would sue they would see you were initially suspended and lawyers would have a field day with that and this thread during discovery.

delete

delete huh,  what is it/  not that im the voice of reason( im a nobody) but pain and doubt i know well. And listen i can do well.

I know this is an old post, but it should be followed by anyone trying to help.

I love this place.

And posts like this one are the only reason I hang around here!  So many good people, that outweigh the usual GD antics......

Struggling to find purpose in life. There is no point in living without purpose. I've made my partners my purpose for all of my adult life, obviously to my own detriment as I always end up alone. I used to be a musician but the left have so thoroughly infected the minds of artists that I can't stand to be around them. My girlfriend dumped me the day after Christmas because she wasn't happy. I tried to get her to work it out and it was kind of out of the blue.  I miss her daughter more than anything, I loved her like she was my own. I'm 43 and I have no purpose. Meeting women does not come easily for me. No matter how much I try to fake it, there is a black cloud that follows me and people, especially women, can sense it and it repulses them. It's hard to explain but I'm not a creeper or devoid of social etiquette, always look a woman in the eyes, speak respectfully etc., You can see an obvious switch in a woman's demeanor when I interact with them. I just don't know how to move forward in life. My mom relies on me in the sense that she has no one else so I'm not going to punch my own ticket, I won't abandon her, I just wish life didn't feel like a curse I always end up wishing to escape. I've done the counseling thing, it  gave me some useful tools to cope with things but I always end up in the same place, with the volume turned to 11 on the despair. I have been going home and going right to sleep to escape it. When I wake up, I dose benadryl to force myself back to sleep until my alarm goes off in the morning. This cycle is unsustainable.

Man i try to help here,  but like many  I'm struggling. I can't make sense of my life, I don't know my real father but have contacted him  and he doesn't seem to care he has a granddaughter, I watched my stepfather die of brain tumors ( he was-int a nice guy) all my father figures either are dead or committed suicide. I grew up dirt poor like illegal power poor. I can't hug people without it pissing me off, i cant be touched by people its even awkward with my daughter  however im well liked and was a manager. I certainly don't know what the hell to do. I have very rough days  sometimes. Today's hitting a bit hard.  Thou i realize its not as bad as some of you guys i feel for ya.

@ZoToL

This may be uncomfortable for you, but sometimes we have to reflect upon the past in order to understand the now.  

What happened earlier in your life that makes it so difficult for you to allow people into your physical space now?  If you can recognize that defining moment, you're already halfway through the battle.  Now, understand that events of your past are controlling your life today.  Why would you allow unpleasant moments from the past to control your happiness today?  Or allow the past to negatively affect the relationship between you and your daughter?  

Try to see the world through your daughter's eyes.  If you were her, what would you expect or want from the adult you?  How do you think it would make her feel if you hugged her and told her that you loved her?  I'd bet good money that that would brighten her day immensely.  I'd also bet that seeing the smile on her face and the light in her eyes would make your day better as well.  After seeing that happy face enough times, you might even turn into a certifiable hugging machine, at least with her.  Don't let the negativity in your past determine the direction of her future.  Think about what kind of woman you want her to grow up to be, and then determine how you need to change or grow to ensure that she gets there.

I grew up in a mostly non-expressive, non-affectionate family.  It wasn't until my senior year in high school that I finally started feeling comfortable hugging my own grandmothers.  Even as an adult, it was difficult to feel comfortable with people being in my physical space.  Then God decided that he needed a good laugh, and threw me into what I call The Huggy Family.  The now ex-GF and her kids were the complete opposite of the family dynamics that I grew up in.  It took time and work, but eventually, I was finally able to feel comfortable having them hang all over me.  One of my fondest moments happened in November 2010.  There was one evening where I had the daughter laying on my left, with her head on my chest, and the GF on the right, with her head on my right hip.  In those moments, you would have been hard-pressed to find too many people in this world that were happier or more content than I was.  If I hadn't worked on my own challenges and forced my way out of my comfort zone, I never would have had that moment.

As for what's going on with your real father, it's hard to offer advice without knowing more about the situation.  Some random thoughts off the top of my head.  Maybe things ended badly between him and your mother, and he doesn't want to deal with those memories, or he feels guilty about how you and your mother had to live while you were growing up.  Maybe he knew you grew up poor, and somehow thinks that you're trying to get into his life for the money.  Maybe he only cares about himself, or just doesn't have the energy or care to have other people in his life.  So many possible reasons.  

Hang in there.  Today may be a rough day, but tomorrow is a new day.  

My girlfriend left me 4 days before Christmas. The reasons she gave sounded made-up.

I'm 44 and all of the things you wrote regarding women are true for me as well.

Man i try as much as i can,  she loves mario cart and i'm always here for her  i also raise a step kid( her dad is dead due to  overdose) and have a wife( my former employee), I can carry on normally very well  and  I don't have many people in my life that do not like me, i also read people well. I grew up hiding from my step father  i did not get beat like some do  but it was all verbal abuse.  I used to get yelled at for cleaning my room because i was making too much noise.  I learned to be quiet and vhs tapes and later video games absorbed me. It honestly  a miracle  I was a manager of 11 people and found a woman that tolerates me. As i said  my father figures are dead literally. One took his head off with a shotgun  the other was pills after he was going down due to diabetes.  One ended up in jail in for murder. I really should write a book.  But yeah  a pat on my back  or a hug  is extremely awkward for me,  i do them  but its always extremely weird because im uncoordinated with it.

As for the father thing yeah  im sure my mother left that on bad terms, he was 17  she was 28  had three abortions prior to me( why not me?)  and ditched him. I have a half brother  and hes not even out of high school way way younger than me, half sister that i can't really connect well with, shes seeing a therapist  due to  my step father dying,  her real father i watched him die too,  seeing someone you feared loosing  motor skill was pretty rough since i did not hate him even though he made my life horrible..  I struggle here and there with alcohol, however i haven't been suicidal just not caring what happens to me.  

I cant win  man,,

I'm sorry to hear that man. I guess it's a thing women do around the holidays  that I wasn't aware of. I don't wish the repulsiveness thing on anyone. I wish there were consultant women who could give dudes a clue wtf it is that drives them away so I could correct it.

its emotion thats drives them.  just like dudes  not all are bad not all are good.

Just venting tonight because I don't feel like calling and waking others up. I'm sleeping well and will keep myself busy. But it hurts to not be able to help those I love

Nobody ever does really want to bother others,  I have found  that doing Keto and getting plenty or cardio, even if inside, and a lot with intermittent fasting  has improved my mood quite a bit. However I still have bad days just not as frequently. Winter here doesn't help me any  and the Covid garbage and an absolved job, However even when looking a people locally   a lot have it way worse than our little tribe does. All i can say is read other peoples stories that are worse to humble your own.  Or get into other stuff.


I like these two since allot of the videos are long  and its nothing negative or news related. And I just  disconnect from my past and focus on the future and improving health a little.

https://www.youtube.com/c/drekberg/videos

https://www.youtube.com/c/DrEricBergDC/videos

It was a mistake posting here

Delete

Didn't read your post but good luck with whatever is going on.

This.  And it wasn't a mistake.  Probably a timing issue.  Tons of good people here.....

delete

My wife of 16 years left 3 years ago for another dude. She resurfaced this pass weekend to steal a picture that's been in my family for close to 100 years. Cops " your word against hers" Same when the cunt stole my SSN card.

Sorry to hear that.
Did she enter your residence to steal the picture?

2020 really put me through the wringer.

I fell ass over elbows in love with this girl over the course of the previous year. Texts turned into calls, calls turned into video calls. 😎

Then my dad had a heart attack, had to have open heart surgery, triple by-pass. His heart stopped on the table, they got him going again, but it turned out he had a mild stroke. That kinda drove me nuts, because I was going by his hospital 6-8 times a day, and couldn't see him because COVID.

Then the girl flew herself out here, on her own dime, and I showed her the local sights and wonders. Introduced her to my parents, my closest friends, my sister. She introduced me to her parents, siblings, and abuela. I had a great time, I thought she did too. A week and a half after she flew home, she dumped me, and I later found out she had about 6 guys on a string. Not a great feeling, knowing you've been used for entertainment purposes. Wasn't even a sex thing. I was just the tour director.

The part I think hurt the most was that we had had (what I thought were genuine) conversations, like, "do you want kids?", "how many kids do you want?", "what do you want to name our kids?" Stuff like that. She broke my heart so hard, I would randomly start crying. It was fucking embarrassing,  and customers were calling the office,  concerned.

About a month after that, I found out my dad had bladder cancer. You know how they treat bladder cancer?  They go in with a catheter and pump your bladder full of tuberculosis. Apparently, the cancer eats the tuberculosis (gross over simplification), and the cancer dies. Problem is, you have to hang around for like 4 hours, with a full bladder, and when you void your bladder, you have to treat it like toxic waste, because, you know, tuberculosis.

And two weeks after that, my grandmother passed from congestive heart failure. So I had to help my mom through that.

Fuck, if my dog had run away, and my truck caught fire, my life would be a goddamn country music song.

I wasn't thinking about hurting myself, or others, but I had dealt with enough people going through crisis that I recognized the trajectory that I was on. And sooner or later, I would arrive at that dark place, if I didn't course correct.

So I gave my former XO all my guns until I fixed myself. The hardest part was when I pulled my EDC, dropped the mag and showed clear, then handed it over. THAT really hurt me. To admit to yourself, that you don't trust yourself with a firearm,  I think, shows a certain emotional maturity.


And there are resources available, not just family and friends, but coworkers, guys you used to be in a military unit with, used to be in a police/ fire/emt organization with. The VA, even something like BetterHelp.com. Or let your fingers do the walking through the yellow pages. If your having problems,  reach out. I did, and I'm better for it.

Panicking this week. Seven days to get a mental health evaluation and meet with the home state board for my disposition. I have no money for the evaluation ($280)or for an attorney to represent me with the board. (best price so far was a $2500 retaining fee plus $250/hour, or a $3000 flat fee). I have enough money to pay the electric bill on the 30th. That’s it. I filled out about about 40 job apps this week, my email is getting back millions of replies but they’re all ‘apply for this other job’-type spam emails. I just want to work, I’ll sweep floors, anything, I have to pay some bills.  

My brother promised to help me two weeks ago—called me out of the blue, gave me a long speech about family, said ‘don’t worry,  I’ll help you with the lawyer, it’s no problem.’ Then he stopped answering text or calls. Can’t reach him at all. I’ve tried his wife. Same thing, no answer. I hate to think he’s doing it just to fuck with me.

We had that big snowstorm hit the other night, I just wanted to go out into the woods and sit under a tree, and close my eyes and go to sleep.

 Sound depressed. Seriously consider more therapy and specific medications (I know ssri's get a terrible wrap on this site but used properly with a good Dr/Therapist and they can be life saving, saved my life about 8 years ago when I was suicidally depressed over work, later weened off when I had moved out of that situation). Benadryl is a temporary sleep aid and taking too much can have paradoxical reactions (keeping you awake). My mood evened out a shit ton when I started getting my insomnia in order, another cause of my depression. Take an honest inventory of your chemical intakes, caffeine, alcohol, pills, etc. I was drinking 6-9 cups of coffee a day and wondered why I couldnt sleep and felt so shitty about my life. When you are tired and feel like your body is in zombie mode day in and day out your mind wanders into those negative thought cycles much more easily. Have dialed it back to 2 cups plus a 12oz coke all drank before noon.

Been a rough few months for me too, thought about ending things a few times.  Hang on, better times are out there!

I’ve always gritted my teeth and hung on, never quit. I always told myself it’ll get better, just keep trying your hardest. I’ve faced hardship and obstacles my whole life and for two years (since my wife walked out) I’ve pushed on, alone. I tell myself to do it for my kids. They’re my only reason. And now I’m just so tired and done...

Hey man.  Go get help.  Take yourself to the ER and get help.