Originally Posted By ripple64:
There is not a lot of structure to this more a verbal vomit.

First off I want to thank everyone involved with this thread. You have helped me over the last few days even though I never reached out here. Just reading the words of encouragement to others really gave me strength to keep going.

My wife of 4 years informed me on Friday that she wanted a divorce. This is after she scheduled us couples counseling and backed out. I am devastated. To me this came out of nowhere. I guess she has been hurting the last couple of years because I’m not really the partner that I should have been. I never raised my voice to her, never raised my hand to her. Really it’s because we never do much of anything together. We work different schedules, I’m on days and she’s on evenings. But that’s really not an excuse. Whatever free time we had together i pissed away drinking or taking care of myself and not taking care of our needs.

Friday night I slept on the couch and then went to work Saturday morning on my day off to try and take my mind off it. I couldn’t concentrate and decided that me being at work was unsafe for me and those around me. I came back home, my wife was awake so I tried to talk to her again. Asking her if this is really what she wants. Is this really how she wants to end this. We have a 10 month old daughter and 3 dogs and a house.

She’s heard it all from me before. I can change. I can do better. But I never really do. I grew too complacent and too comfortable with me and I stopped developing, stopped challenging myself.

After pleading with her to reconsider she dropped the bombshell on me. That she had met someone else and had feelings for them. Not that anything has happened. Yeah right. Like I should take some comfort from that. Doesn’t matter whether or not it’s physical. You’re reaching out to someone else when you should be reaching out to me. It broke my heart. I packed a bag and left. She wants to keep this as amicable as possible. She wants nothing from me. 50-50 split on the child and she would like to refinance and keep the house.

I’m staying at my parents house while I’m in the process of moving out of mine. She wants the house because it’s set up perfectly for the dogs and the kid. And realistically she can have it.

Saturday night I got drunk. Just the typical bravado of a guy who just got dumped. Yeah fuck that bitch I’m better off without her. Sunday I went out and picked up more beer. I was going to have a two day pity party and then get my life back on track. But I ended up not drinking. I started thinking what if she calls and wants me to come home?  What if something happened to my kid and I can’t race to be with her?  I got to thinking that this shit has ruined my life, and I don’t need it anymore. I dumped it all down the drain. Haven’t had a drop or really thought about it in the last four days.

Sunday night I was trying to figure out how I was going to kill myself. My sober ass was lying in bed.  In the dark  and the walls were closing in. I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t know what to do. Didn’t know how to cope. Didn’t know who to talk to. I remembered this thread. So I came here and started reading other people’s stories.

Eventually I read a post by @HALFNATTYGAINZ about a book he read, Can’t Hurt Me. So I said fuck it at this point what do I have to lose. Downloaded it and started reading.  Holy shit, talk about reading exactly what I needed to hear at that moment, and in a way I could understand. Simple as that. How fucking unreal is that.

I read the book in a day and am in the process of reading it again. Taking my time and doing the challenges in it.  That’s where I came to the realization that I just stopped pushing myself. I stopped putting myself out there. And that’s why my marriage fell apart. Honestly everyone, I’m trying to put my marriage back together.  I think we can work through this.  I have support from my family as well as members of her’s. Even though my wife backed out of counseling. I still went for myself. And I scheduled another appointment that I’m going to invite her to. I’m not ready to give up on us and I am ready to change and challenge who I am and how I deal with myself on a daily basis.

As I type this out my 10 month old is lying sleeping next to me. If I had given up on Sunday I wouldn’t be here with her now. If things don’t work out with her mom and me that’s ok. I think I’ve finally come to grips with that. But I’m going to be stronger and better for my daughter. There is still a lot of work to do. A lot of hurt to heal.

To everyone else out there, you’re not alone. And shit probably won’t be better today, or tomorrow, but I’m holding out hope that someday it will. Thanks guys.

Originally Posted By edb66:
Mixed news today. Good news is I'm  going to be evaluated for a transplant at UMMC. Bad news is I'm getting admitted Monday to have the second toe on my left foot amputated(already got half the big toe on that foot amputated.)

Instead of Häftoe, I shall henceforth be known as Ocho y media.

Originally Posted By CarmelBytheSea:
Gettin old watching friends and family die

Originally Posted By davidb1982:
Sorry if I ramble and don’t make much sense. But today and the last couple of days have been pretty rough for me. I have come down  with some sort of flu/bug. I missed my seven year olds birthday. His mother and I are not getting alone(some of my fault and some of hers). I have zero motivation. Because I was sick for the last two weeks I have missed work. I am completely depressed and have been in bed in bed the last couple of days. I don’t give a shit about anything.

I absolutely hate my job and I am looking for a new one but I can’t take anything less than $20/hr to cover expenses. I am completely lost and don’t know what to do. I am just sick of it all. I haven’t seen my oldest boy in a month which absolutely kills me. No his mom does not keep him from me but with being sick and tied up with work, it’s been a battle. I refuse to go on anti depressants but I do take the occasional Xanax to take the edge off. I have been in tears all day. No motivation to get out of bed.

Sorry for the rant but I just needed to get it out there. I have a wonderful girlfriend and a wonderful 14 month old son but something has to change.

I’ve thought about quoting my job but have nothing lined up. But I am truly miserable at work and don’t know how much longer I can take it.

Originally Posted By davidb1982:
Sorry if I ramble and don’t make much sense. But today and the last couple of days have been pretty rough for me. I have come down  with some sort of flu/bug. I missed my seven year olds birthday. His mother and I are not getting alone(some of my fault and some of hers). I have zero motivation. Because I was sick for the last two weeks I have missed work. I am completely depressed and have been in bed in bed the last couple of days. I don’t give a shit about anything.

I absolutely hate my job and I am looking for a new one but I can’t take anything less than $20/hr to cover expenses. I am completely lost and don’t know what to do. I am just sick of it all. I haven’t seen my oldest boy in a month which absolutely kills me. No his mom does not keep him from me but with being sick and tied up with work, it’s been a battle. I refuse to go on anti depressants but I do take the occasional Xanax to take the edge off. I have been in tears all day. No motivation to get out of bed.

Sorry for the rant but I just needed to get it out there. I have a wonderful girlfriend and a wonderful 14 month old son but something has to change.

I’ve thought about quoting my job but have nothing lined up. But I am truly miserable at work and don’t know how much longer I can take it.

Originally Posted By wtfboombrb:

Sounds like work is at least partially responsible for your sickness. In what ways can you reduce expenses?

Originally Posted By GreasyEasy:

Based on your very last sentence, it sounds to me like clinical depression, rather than just feeling the blues due to a negative situation in life.

Xanax, or any other benzo will sadly only delay the inevitable, or even make things worse.   They are appropriate for panic attacks, or bouts of extreme anxiety, but are a net negative for use on depression.

Sometimes a professional is the only route to getting better.   A job change could ultimately leave you feeling the same way unless you address the underlying depression.

Depression leads to a compounding effect in regards to negative aspects of your life.  You're depressed so you stay in bed all day, thus you don't see your kids, or go to work....this makes you more depressed, thus you stay in bed longer the next time, and so forth.  You must break this vicious cycle, and sometimes the only way is with professional help, and anti depressants.

I'm truly sorry you're not feeling better, and many of us are here for you if you ever need someone to talk with one on one.   Sometimes you got to accept help from places you'd rather not in order to get well again.

Originally Posted By davidb1982:

Thank you. I really do appreciate each and everyone if you. I’ve got to get up a do a few things but if you’re open to a pm I’d like talk to you, or a homemaker for that mtter if they’re willing.

Originally Posted By j0hn:
I wish there was a way team members could post in this thread (and this thread only) anonymously; obviously staff / mods would know if intervention was needed. Some good people here don’t like admitting their demons / shortcomings and an ability for privacy may help with this.

Originally Posted By iteotwawki:
I just want to thank everyone involved for this post and all the replies.

Because of this thread and the comments inside it ...

I thank you. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you. If you know nothing else in your life please know that the presence of this post and your participation in it ... made a difference for someone else they've waited years and years to finally find.

Originally Posted By iteotwawki:
I just want to thank everyone involved for this post and all the replies.

Because of this thread and the comments inside it ... I have started to share more on this forum about my childhood and some of the shit I went through than I've ever shared with anyone in my entire life. Including my wife. Including multiple therapists. Maybe it's feeling comfortable here after so many years. Maybe it's the support and friendships I've discovered. Maybe it's the anonymity we have here. Maybe it's because the majority of people here are regular dudes like me. But I kinda think it stems from reading so many posts in this thread that make me realize I'm not alone. I feel like a 1500lb weight has been lifted off me because I have now actually said the shit that has been murdering me out loud here ... not literally, but in my own way. I said it out loud and some people here now know who I was as a little boy. The ghost of that kid isn't just mine to hold onto anymore. The world didn't spin off its axis when I finally let those words fly. I'm okay. I'm actually okay. And I can speak about it a little easier now. I can confront it and accept that it happened a little easier now.

We may not all have the same experiences but a simple interest in guns and our rights have brought us to this place at this point in time and that means something. We're here for a reason. We are here TOGETHER for a reason.

I hope and pray that I will be able to help just one person here as I've been helped.

I hope and pray and think about all the people in this thread who have shared. Your courage became my courage. Your will and determination became my will and determination. The words of support you've posted for others became words of support for me. And while I was struggling to share my own shit ... I was praying and sending you good vibes and hoping the best would happen for all of you.

I thank you. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you. If you know nothing else in your life please know that the presence of this post and your participation in it ... made a difference for someone else they've waited years and years to finally find.

Originally Posted By Narwhals:

I've hurt my wife emotionally over and over because I have no outlet for my anger towards myself and my situation. I pick fights unintentionally and blow everything out of proportion when something goes wrong.
This is by far my greatest sin and that which I regret the most. She has been wonderful to me and brought me back from the edge of ruining everything we've worked towards multiple times.

I've started going to therapy, which in itself has been extremely difficult because I've always seen it as weak and I've been able to deal with my own shit. I'm not sure if it is helping but I'm trying whatever I can to help fix me.

Each day is a battle. Negative thoughts come quick, easy and build on each other.

I'll add to this when I have more time to.

Originally Posted By BornToLooze:
I have a thread about it in Team, but my grandma is in the middle of dieing. I've had plenty of people I care about die, but with this, one second she's seeing the light and Jesus is standing by her bed, next second she's bitching about being in the hospital.

I'm not hoping she'll die, but on the other hand, I'll be glad when she does because her suffering will be over.

I was doing good with my drinking, but this shit has it back in full swing.

Originally Posted By DoverGunner:
To all the posters here just hang in there one more day it does get better.
Talk to somebody ,there are many here that will listen and not judge.

I am still so broke and poor if I offer to pay attention. I am lying.

Last week it was looking so bleak over my pension my Demons came back.
This thread and a promise made kept kept me from being in the News

As of yesterday it looks like my pension will be safe and I can retire in March

Hang on for just 1 more day. It does and will get better

Originally Posted By Narwhals:
I am struggling with the thoughts of being a burden on my wife. She deserves so much more than me and my problems.

Somewhere along the way I've lost my way. I was happy, I was healthy and enjoyed things. Now, not so much. I mean I still get happy but it's usually very briefly and then swings back to very unhappy or neutral and unfeeling.
I really want to be happy for others just because they are happy but I struggle with it unless it also brings me joy. I have empathy for when people are feeling down, but not necessarily when they are up.

Expanding on the job situation, being rejected so many times HURT. I applied to well over 100 jobs and it seems like in software that they are really trying to push for "diversity". I applied at a few companies a month apart or so and one I answered the race/gender questions and the other time I didn't. I got responses from when I didn't....

My current internship, they took a chance on me not having experience in the field directly, but I have some knowledge about the language used and the degree they wanted. I've had days where I sit around and do near nothing, and days where I'm super productive.
They are currently considering me for a full hire role, but the boss of the company made it known that he has noticed I show up and leave at not consistent times. Nearly every software position has flexible hours and considering my commute can be 35-75 minutes I cant guarantee the time I show up. I leave early sometimes for therapy and I don't feel comfortable sharing that with them. I put in my hours, maybe not 8 a day but I put in the time I bill them for. If I don't meet 40 hours that week, I don't get paid for 40.
I like the work and the company is alright. I see them as a great place to learn and move forward from and I would really love to not be unemployed again.

No one else in my family, besides my wife understands this industry because they all have "old world" thinking and the advice they try to give is not helpful for it. I listen and make sure I don't just blow them off but it gets harder each time.

I want to keep the peace and not alienate myself from my family.

Originally Posted By wtfboombrb:

Can you reschedule therapy? Would you feel secure in your current employment if you quit therapy?

If not, have a talk with the owner. Tell him you like the company and strive to be an asset, but your schedule is difficult to meet due to family time vs widely varying commute times. Ask if there is any way he can make it work for the both of you. Since the commute time can vary widely, can you start work earlier than scheduled so your time is consistent?

You also need to make clear to extended family that you're in charge of your immediate family. Or, just tell them what they want to hear and be done with it.

Originally Posted By Narwhals:

I've been there as well. It was one of the hardest things for me to do, watching my grandma slowly lose her mind and she was always much worse on medication.

Both her and my grandpa needed pretty extensive care that required my mother to run around after work everyday to at least see them. During that time they would say a mix of things along the lines of "I want to die", "these nurses are awful" which was a lie and always asking when they could go home.

I never wishes for them to die, only for their suffering to end and a byproduct of that would be to relieve my mother of her stresses.

They both passed within the weeks of my wedding. Emotional rollercoaster.

My advice, remember her how she was, pray for her peace. Please continue to talk here with us. Some of us may have gone through similar situations and can share.

If you are around Austin, it's better to not drink alone? PM me

Originally Posted By BornToLooze:
Granny finally got moved to a nursing home yesterday.

This morning she rolled out of bed and busted her head open, but they can't give her a bed with rails on it because of some bullshit law some cunt like Hillary Clinton thought up

Originally Posted By ripple64:
So this is night two of not being able to sleep. I keep laying in bed and allowing everything to just pile up in my head. Things I should have said. Things I should have done. I keep allowing myself to be hurt. Whether by my hand or someone else’s. But really it’s mostly me hurting myself by dwelling on what I’ve lost or am going to lose. I’m not giving up on me. I’m dealing with the shit sandwich life is trying to feed me. I know that my shit is nothing compared to most others out there. Just need to vent.  Not many people to talk to at 1am. I’ve given up any thoughts of wanting to hurt myself physically. I just can’t stop beating myself up mentally. I just have to keep reminding myself that everything will be ok. I just have to start believing it.

Originally Posted By ripple64:
So this is night two of not being able to sleep. I keep laying in bed and allowing everything to just pile up in my head. Things I should have said. Things I should have done. I keep allowing myself to be hurt. Whether by my hand or someone else’s. But really it’s mostly me hurting myself by dwelling on what I’ve lost or am going to lose. I’m not giving up on me. I’m dealing with the shit sandwich life is trying to feed me. I know that my shit is nothing compared to most others out there. Just need to vent.  Not many people to talk to at 1am. I’ve given up any thoughts of wanting to hurt myself physically. I just can’t stop beating myself up mentally. I just have to keep reminding myself that everything will be ok. I just have to start believing it.

Originally Posted By BornToLooze:
Granny passed today. You would think as many people as I know that have died this shit would be easier by now, but it just fucking wears on you.

At least now its just a couple every year or so, when I was 13 I spent 2 years watching my grandma die of cancer, and the pair of cowboy boots I got for her funeral I broke in the next year going to funerals because people started dropping like flies.

There's one of those bullshit motivational quotes that says something about life breaks everybody, some people are stronger at the cracks. I've always kinda liked it because every time life throws something bad at me I tend to say bring it on motherfucker, is that the worst you got? With all the bullshit that's been going on with Granny, it feels like somebody's beating on those cracks with a sledgehammer saying how strong's the JB Weld motherfucker?

The one good thing...who the fuck knows what happens when you go, but the best thing that ever happened to Granny was Elvis waved to her when he was pulling out of Graceland. Hopefully she's got her cloud up close to the King's.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jsK92OtsQlY

Originally Posted By GreasyEasy:

I'm tremendously sorry for your loss, and I know you're really going through a tough time.  I honestly believe she's in a better place now, and she's free from any pain or suffering that she was going through on earth.

I think your analogy is very true, and even the strongest among us have their breaking point.   Sadly only time heals much of this, and you just have to go on living day by day, staying busy, and slowly putting it behind you as time goes by.

Things will get better friend, you just got to make sure you're there when it does.

Originally Posted By GreasyEasy:
She certainly sounded like an amazing person, and obviously fantastic Grandmother.    I find telling those funny stories about lost loved ones to be the best medicine for healing the heart.  It keeps them alive in some small way as well.

Originally Posted By BornToLooze:

You have no idea.

My wife's been monday morning quarterbacking the shit it out of it. Coulda, shoulda, woulda. I've been telling her how thinking about that is just going to lead to you being a bitter alcoholic, and thank God she's listening to me.

The day Granny fell when she had to go to the ER she went over there late because she was getting the kids ready for school. But from what we've figured out Granny fell about an hour after she left the night before. But Granny also had asphyxiation pneumonia, which we didn't find out about until she went to the ER, but, it was making her mind go along with throwing her balance off, which is why she kept falling. And when Granny went, my wife had been sitting with her all morning, and she waited about 10-20 minutes after my wife left before she went.

Something I realized a couple years ago when I was doing my damnedest to drink myself to death, I have all this shit that's been eating me up about what I could of or should of done with all the people I know that have died. Despite the fact that no one hates me more than I hate myself, I'm a Maserati in a world of Kias. My kids love the fuck out of me, I have the greatest wife that ever lived, and I'm raising a family with a special needs kid on, for now, just my salary. But despite all the dumbass mistakes I've made, and despite my self hated, I have no regrets. I believe in me. I'm a little screwed up, but I'm beautiful.

I just hope my wife doesn't start following in my footsteps.

Originally Posted By ripple64:
There is not a lot of structure to this more a verbal vomit.

First off I want to thank everyone involved with this thread. You have helped me over the last few days even though I never reached out here. Just reading the words of encouragement to others really gave me strength to keep going.

My wife of 4 years informed me on Friday that she wanted a divorce. This is after she scheduled us couples counseling and backed out. I am devastated. To me this came out of nowhere. I guess she has been hurting the last couple of years because I’m not really the partner that I should have been. I never raised my voice to her, never raised my hand to her. Really it’s because we never do much of anything together. We work different schedules, I’m on days and she’s on evenings. But that’s really not an excuse. Whatever free time we had together i pissed away drinking or taking care of myself and not taking care of our needs.

Friday night I slept on the couch and then went to work Saturday morning on my day off to try and take my mind off it. I couldn’t concentrate and decided that me being at work was unsafe for me and those around me. I came back home, my wife was awake so I tried to talk to her again. Asking her if this is really what she wants. Is this really how she wants to end this. We have a 10 month old daughter and 3 dogs and a house.

She’s heard it all from me before. I can change. I can do better. But I never really do. I grew too complacent and too comfortable with me and I stopped developing, stopped challenging myself.

After pleading with her to reconsider she dropped the bombshell on me. That she had met someone else and had feelings for them. Not that anything has happened. Yeah right. Like I should take some comfort from that. Doesn’t matter whether or not it’s physical. You’re reaching out to someone else when you should be reaching out to me. It broke my heart. I packed a bag and left. She wants to keep this as amicable as possible. She wants nothing from me. 50-50 split on the child and she would like to refinance and keep the house.

I’m staying at my parents house while I’m in the process of moving out of mine. She wants the house because it’s set up perfectly for the dogs and the kid. And realistically she can have it.

Saturday night I got drunk. Just the typical bravado of a guy who just got dumped. Yeah fuck that bitch I’m better off without her. Sunday I went out and picked up more beer. I was going to have a two day pity party and then get my life back on track. But I ended up not drinking. I started thinking what if she calls and wants me to come home?  What if something happened to my kid and I can’t race to be with her?  I got to thinking that this shit has ruined my life, and I don’t need it anymore. I dumped it all down the drain. Haven’t had a drop or really thought about it in the last four days.

Sunday night I was trying to figure out how I was going to kill myself. My sober ass was lying in bed.  In the dark  and the walls were closing in. I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t know what to do. Didn’t know how to cope. Didn’t know who to talk to. I remembered this thread. So I came here and started reading other people’s stories.

Eventually I read a post by @HALFNATTYGAINZ about a book he read, Can’t Hurt Me. So I said fuck it at this point what do I have to lose. Downloaded it and started reading.  Holy shit, talk about reading exactly what I needed to hear at that moment, and in a way I could understand. Simple as that. How fucking unreal is that.

I read the book in a day and am in the process of reading it again. Taking my time and doing the challenges in it.  That’s where I came to the realization that I just stopped pushing myself. I stopped putting myself out there. And that’s why my marriage fell apart. Honestly everyone, I’m trying to put my marriage back together.  I think we can work through this.  I have support from my family as well as members of her’s. Even though my wife backed out of counseling. I still went for myself. And I scheduled another appointment that I’m going to invite her to. I’m not ready to give up on us and I am ready to change and challenge who I am and how I deal with myself on a daily basis.

As I type this out my 10 month old is lying sleeping next to me. If I had given up on Sunday I wouldn’t be here with her now. If things don’t work out with her mom and me that’s ok. I think I’ve finally come to grips with that. But I’m going to be stronger and better for my daughter. There is still a lot of work to do. A lot of hurt to heal.

To everyone else out there, you’re not alone. And shit probably won’t be better today, or tomorrow, but I’m holding out hope that someday it will. Thanks guys.

Originally Posted By ripple64:
Thanks for the advice. I will take any and all that I can get. As an update it has been a little over a month since she told me she wanted a divorce. As more and more interactions happen with her, the more I think that I am dodging a bullet. I think she is very unsure of what she wants moving forward but in my mind the cat is already out of the bag. No talks of reconciliation, which I am 100% not willing to do at this point contrary to previous posts. More along the lines of her waffling on what she wants and why she’s doing this. At this point I don’t fucking care.

I’ve used the last month to really reflect and look at what I need to improve on as a person. I’m 31 days sober. I’m working out daily. I’ve lost 20lbs. Doing 30-40 minutes of cardio and a lot of high rep low weight lifting workouts. Watching what I eat and stretching! I feel really good about myself. And for the first time in a long time I am able to put myself first. When I have my kid it’s all about her. I’ve got play dates set up for her and have surrounded her with people who love and care about her.

I’m not out of the woods on this yet. Still a lot of things to work out. Seeing my soon to be ex is still hard. But my focus now is moving forward. Getting right with my mind and body, and being the best dad that I can be.

Originally Posted By ripple64:
Thanks for the advice. I will take any and all that I can get. As an update it has been a little over a month since she told me she wanted a divorce. As more and more interactions happen with her, the more I think that I am dodging a bullet. I think she is very unsure of what she wants moving forward but in my mind the cat is already out of the bag. No talks of reconciliation, which I am 100% not willing to do at this point contrary to previous posts. More along the lines of her waffling on what she wants and why she’s doing this. At this point I don’t fucking care.

I’ve used the last month to really reflect and look at what I need to improve on as a person. I’m 31 days sober. I’m working out daily. I’ve lost 20lbs. Doing 30-40 minutes of cardio and a lot of high rep low weight lifting workouts. Watching what I eat and stretching! I feel really good about myself. And for the first time in a long time I am able to put myself first. When I have my kid it’s all about her. I’ve got play dates set up for her and have surrounded her with people who love and care about her.

I’m not out of the woods on this yet. Still a lot of things to work out. Seeing my soon to be ex is still hard. But my focus now is moving forward. Getting right with my mind and body, and being the best dad that I can be.

Originally Posted By DoverGunner:

Good for you you have the right mindset and trust me you'll be much better off in the long run

Originally Posted By ripple64:
Thanks for the advice. I will take any and all that I can get. As an update it has been a little over a month since she told me she wanted a divorce. As more and more interactions happen with her, the more I think that I am dodging a bullet. I think she is very unsure of what she wants moving forward but in my mind the cat is already out of the bag. No talks of reconciliation, which I am 100% not willing to do at this point contrary to previous posts. More along the lines of her waffling on what she wants and why she’s doing this. At this point I don’t fucking care.

I’ve used the last month to really reflect and look at what I need to improve on as a person. I’m 31 days sober. I’m working out daily. I’ve lost 20lbs. Doing 30-40 minutes of cardio and a lot of high rep low weight lifting workouts. Watching what I eat and stretching! I feel really good about myself. And for the first time in a long time I am able to put myself first. When I have my kid it’s all about her. I’ve got play dates set up for her and have surrounded her with people who love and care about her.

I’m not out of the woods on this yet. Still a lot of things to work out. Seeing my soon to be ex is still hard. But my focus now is moving forward. Getting right with my mind and body, and being the best dad that I can be.