You certainly didn't own this page.

Because Chuck Norris already owns it.

I once had the privilege of meeting the man himself, and asked his favorite Chuck Norris joke.  This was it!

If Chuck Norris was on the periodic table, he would be Ka: Kick ass.


My son actually made that up when he was 12.

CN approves this message.

Chuck Norris always single quotes.

Nice.

When Bruce Lee was a little kid he couldn't sleep because he thought Chuck Norris was under his bed.

Poor little guy!

When Chuck Norris gets morning wood, it looks like he's sleeping in a tent.

Well, that's where you're wrong.

Chuck Norris does not sleep.  He waits.

Chuck Norris attempted to read this and for the first time in his life admitted defeat.

I still have a empty bottle of Chuck Norris approved Era detergent with Fistful of Fresh scent from around 2011.  I keep thinking of doing one of those parody listing on Ebay.    Need to work on about 2-3 paragraphs of description.


It looks like this.

The Krell Monster looked like an invisible Chuck Norris

Had the pleasure of escorting Chuck around Ramadi in 2006 when he came through with the USO tour, I can remember all of the jokes that was going around the FOBs at the time. As said earlier,  Chuck is a great down to earth guy. Got some great pictures of him that day.

He seems so down to earth. A true, humble, grateful soul.

I did the best I could trying to talk him into making a "Lone wolf McQuade" follow up.....

When Chuck sat in my Hummer I was unaware that at that time it was considered ...."Up armored "

When Chuck flew into Balad,  he was informed there was a sand storm over the airbase,  Chuck parted the sand storm and was cleared to land.

Chuck Norris can make a nudist fall for the old Your Shoes Are Untied gag.

Time waits for no man...........but runs from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris’ reflection shits itself

Chuck Norris ordered a Blizzard from Dairy Queen, but they were closed.
Now the nation is a blizzard.

Texas is a frozen hellscape, except on Chuck Norris' ranch.

Texas doesn't know what "frozen" is.

Let it go.


 

Why is there always one who just has to shit in a thread?

Yeah. Why did you? Durrr

its a little known fact that God almighty is a huge 80s action fan. God sitting on his throne had four empty chairs placed  at his lower table reserve for 80s action alumni. Upon the time Stallone, Jean claude Van Damm, Arnold, and Chuck Norris were standing before the man in a ceremony at accept the seat next to our creator. Each being called before the man himself and a roaring  awestruck crowd proclaiming praise to god and gratitude for such honor. First Stallone, with his slurring speech a short but brief thank you and a wave before taking his position next the almighty. Van Damm with a long winded diatribe about himslef and a beautiful and fulfilling career before settling in. Arnold with high praise and a spiel about the necessities of physical fitness and some flexing for those in attendance. Then, Chuck with great fanfare walked towards the stage and gazed at the on lookers....gave a look, a smile and a thanks to the crowd, then turn his attention towards God and said, "Excuse me, but I believe you are sitting in my seat."

Nice.

When Chuck Norris takes a shower he doesn’t turn the water on, he stares at the faucet until it cries

Well, you're not wrong.

When I lived in Colorado, listening to Texans gripe about a hard Texas winter was always good for a chuckle.

I was referring to the guy you quoted.  

Chuck Norris likes his meat so rare that he only eats unicorns.

Is this the time that crater was made way our west?  Yeah the earth is still healing from that one.

Chuck Norris doesn't wash his truck.  The dirt is afraid to stick to it.

Monsters check their under their beds for Chuck Norris before going to bed.

Chuck can lead a horse to water, and make it drink.

When Chuck Norris eats a bowl of rice crispies, it doesn’t snap crackle and pop. It shuts the fuck up.

Chuck Norris once met Christopher Lee and Ranulph Fiennes at a bar.  

He bought them drinks and listened to their stories all night, and then went home and cried himself to sleep in a fit of depressed inadequacy.

COVID-19 needs to be vaccinated against Chuck Norris.

Whiskey

Ser Charles was feeling bored one day....

He let himself be captured by A Villain so evil that he had the Proverbial Bottomless Pit that ended up in Hell.

The Villain was surprised how easy Ser Norris was to capture: Half of the henchmen were dead, the other half crippled for life.  He was expecting ALL of the henchmen to die.

Ser Charles was quickly dispatched to The Pit.  (Echo chamber sound effects, please.)

After an indeterminable time (he didn't keep track of how long) Ser Norris landed in a nominally Hot Location.
(According to Dante there are locations that are icy, but that's another story.)

After dusting Himself off after the landing (Ser Norris co-invented the PFL) he approached the nearest denizen....
...Which way back..... And I don't mean the path Dante was given...Ser Norris spake.
The Denizen's knees -  it was never made clear if it was a Devil or Demon or something else - started shaking.  It almost messed itself.  In life it was a very eloquent and persuasive talker.  Now it had a horrible stutter.  Giving up, it gestured Follow Me, it went to its supervisor....

Who quickly passed Ser Norris onto Their supervisors.

Eleven levels  - and 11 minutes - later a Creature from Satan's inner circle came around.  Follow me, please, it intoned.  See Charles nodded; it said Please.
Quickly, Ser Charles was brought to a wall.  The Creature waved its hand, a passageway opened.  Walk through there, It said, It will quickly bring you back to the surface.  Afterwards the passage way will forever be shut.
See Charles nodded, said Smart and walked though the opening.
Seconds after Ser Norris passed though assorted devils and demons and Assorted other beings feverishly closed the opening.  When it was completely shut the overlords of Hell breathed a very noticeable sigh of relief.

Up on Earth there was the usual volcanic activity.  One of the quieter volcanoes suddenly started erupting.  One of the ejected pieces was Ser Norris.  He was spat into the nearest body of water.
After enjoying a leisurely backstroke to the nearest shore he went back home, feeling somewhat refreshed.

The Villain, upon hearing of Ser Charles escape, instantly repented and converted to trying to become a Good Guy.  His bottomless pit was quickly filled in with approximately 10% votes for Donald Trump that were never counted, the rest mainly pre-printed votes for upcoming Democrats for both local and national elections.
It is said The Villain is trying to become Republican, but its hands are shaking so badly it cannot fill out the Form(s).

When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror, the mirror shatters. Because not even glass is dumb enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't always win:

A cartoon Chuck Norris once taught a cartoon horse how to shoot.
The horse's name became Quick Draw McGraw.

Ser Charles never taught anything else how to shoot ever again.

When Chuck Norris plays golf, he usually shoots 18.

Jason Voorhees was out killing people one night and entered Chuck Norris's house by mistake.  Jason Voorhees quietly left after Chuck squinted at him.

When Chuck Norris was born, he drove his mom home from the hospital.

When Chuck Norris was pulled over by a cop, he let the cop off with a warning.