Little long, but absolutely needs context.

First , my brothers a career criminal / druggy shitbag.  

Background.

Started at 12 years old, sketchy shit, theft, stealing car stereos, doing, buying, selling drugs, etc.  constant problems, my mother would be fighting in court to get him out of trouble, while he’s got 3-4 more pending cases, just endless bullshit. Stole my car, her car, her paycheck, wrote bad checks on her, 1000 other things.  Narced on everyone he knew / did undercover stings on friends, multiple times for reduced sentences, She coddled him, did everything possible to protect him from consequences.  

5 years in prison at 21 for drug shit.  came home, had a wife waiting, home, car, everything, just needed to work a job. Nope, sleep till noon, running all night, eventually got his wife on drugs and she lost her teaching job.  

Sketchy shit,  didn’t pay a speeding ticket, turned into a warrant while on parole,  cops tried to arrest at traffic stop, he runs , wrecks car, car jacks a dude, cops looking for him, mom gives him $5k to “ run “. He goes to Miami with his wife, calls a week later broke. Almost gets his wife raped by Miami shitbirds, who also steal his car. Now, Can’t get home. ( wife took bus home,)  I flat refuse to help, say the cops will happily ship him back for free. A few days later, My mom borrows my truck a few days later to buy a couch… then claims it was stolen. I report it stolen, etc. Turns out she gave it to his wife, to drive 1800 miles to Miami to fetch him. perfectly happy to fuck me over, simply to help enable him.

Doing court shit for car jacking, playing mentally ill, 2 months in a mental hospital, almost worked, but before it could get dismissed, he robs two banks. Does 20 years, gets out 2 years ago.

he’s 52 now, spent 1/2 his life in prison, never worked a job, EVER.  Mom died 2 years into his 20 years, so, no more enabling.

He calls me expecting to move in. I say fuck off, turn your life around, maybe I’ll talk to you. He gets a high school buddy to get him a job waiting tables, and sleeping on dudes couch. A month later he carjacks a 16 year old at knife point, caught, parole revoked. That was 2-3 years ago.  Apparently 5 years remaining sentence and 2 carjackings = being released with 3 years, because apparently he was released again.


Now… today. He calls me from North Carolina, is in a shelter, wants money, to get his life started, get SS card, license, blah blah. ( same thing 3 years earlier ).

I tell him this.

I told you before, turn your life around and prove your worth associating with. What did you do ? Carjacked a 16 year old girl. Your a shitbag, always have been, always will be. I’m not letting you, or your bullshit near my life, much less into if. Number blocked.

Obviously I feel kinda bad deep inside, as I SHOULD help out, as a Christian I should, etc. The fact is though, Iv seen him “ helped out “, dozens of times, never changes, and fucks over anyone who tries to help.  He likes being a shitbag, and will never change, me helping him would just fuck my life up big time, and accomplish jack shit, as he will be back in prison soon, I’d just delay it by helping, and uck my own life up. Fuck that. Best I can do is write him off, and keep that shit totally out of my life.

Am I a asshole ? Not in general, . For not helping this asshole out.

Have a Brother in law similar,  nothing to do with helping any more...

Tough love is required. You are not the asshole. Don't become an enabler.

You're not the asshole. He is for asking.

You’re good, man. Have a beer and forget him.

If I had a brother like that the only time I’d ever see him again would be at his funeral to make sure he was actually dead.

No you're not the asshole. My brother is the same way.

No you're not. That is coming from someone who kind of defended having murder's as friends in a different thread and put money on their books for years

Nope. You're doing both of you a huge favor.

But, be prepared to do the needful if he shows up on your doorstep demanding money.

Try to help by referring him to programs that will help.

You are doing the right thing by not enabling him and keeping your family safe from a distance.

He's the asshole. You are just using common sense based on his past history of trouble.

This!

Don’t take your mom’s place as his enabler.  

As you say, he's a shitbag.

Eliminate shitbags from your life, and life'll be a lot easier.

Pretty simple.

I'd say you're not the asshole.  He's after money, not help.  And he probably won't be out of jail for long if his past is any indicator of what to expect for the future.

I've completely cut a sister out of my life for less.

Nope. Fuck that guy.

Some people you can't help.  Guys like him won't ever change, UNLESS they hit absolute rock bottom.  He'll never reach that with your help.
If he hits rock bottom and changes, then sure, help him out, but I seriously doubt he'll change.  Most people cannot change.

You may be an ass but not in this case. It sounds like your brother is related to my brother.

His only hope is to help himself.

There are 1000 non profits waiting to help him get a SS card, license and a bus route to a warehouse job.

Your job is to not get in his way of doing it himself.

It gets to a point where it becomes toxic in your own life and saying "fuck off" becomes the only response. If I was in your shoes I would've said and done the same exact thing.

Nope.  Stay frosty.

Nope, would do the same.

I'd do the same thing.  He won't turn his life around till he does it on his own.  Help just enables him.

You're good.

You gave him a chance to prove he'd changed.    He failed.    

Don't let him near your life or loved ones.

Brother in-law doing the same, he had a full ride to a good college but chose to do drugs and everything that goes along with it.  Last year he got pinched for drugs again so my wife told his daughter we cant talk with him anymore.  I think he was pissed about it but we can't spend another minute on a 56 year old who can't get his shit together.  It's always drugs.  I think he has 3-4 kids with different gals and I don't think he has ever been a dad to them.

I'd have stopped talking to him way earlier in this shitshow. Probably my mom too. But I AM an asshole.

I got a new brother.  A better brother.  Go find something else to be.

You'd be an asshole if you did help him out and enabled him.  He's not your "brother" anymore.  Biologically related to you, yes.  He's just like every other shitbag in the world, you owe him nothing.  Do you as a christian feel guilty for not enabling every other shitbag in the world?

Nah, fuck that guy.

'The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb" expressly applies to situations such as these.

No way.  Your brother is a shitbag, he likes being a shitbag, and he'll always be a shitbag.  The ONLY possible thing that can come from you having anything to do with him is to drag you down and ruin your life too.  Forget he even exists.

Well, buddy, SOMEONE in this story is an asshole.

It ain't you, though.

He's shown NOTHING to ANYONE, to prove he won't just piss away and/or shoot up anything you give him.

You'd be better off burning the money. Nobody owes him jack.

You are absolutely in the right. There's nothing you can do.

Nope, you're not an asshole. My brother is the same way. Our mom did the same as your mom. She's mad at me because I refused to help.

He's even threatened my life because I ran him off from both my parents more than once.

Fuck him, I even told the cops no one would be upset if they found him dead.

no way in hell would he have gotten any money.

there is some small chance i would be willing to help in other ways which are virtually impossible to take advantage of me in. Like I would be willing to talk to him or maybe drive him somewhere... Being a christian and helping someone doesn't mean giving them what they ask for.

Do you  have a wife and kids? Anyone in your life you care dearly for? If so I wouldn’t want him anywhere near them. You’re not the asshole by any measure

No, you are not the asshole.

My brother blew through a 500k tax free settlement in 18 months and called me crying a month ago because he was broke and homeless.

Mid 40s and a lot like your brother op. I told him sorry I can't help you. I gave him advice on what to do with that money and he blew it all on pills

"as a Christian I should"

Unsubscribe yourself from the preacher's guilt tripping bullshit. Christian, fine that's cool. Good Christians cut off shit bags entirely and leave them in the gutter where they fucking belong.

Cut the fucker off and keep him cut off.

Unbelievable how anyone can feel bad about not providing something for a fucking low life piece of shit.

He’s the asshole for being a user. You are protecting yourself and your family from his behavior.

Oh, fuck no, you are not an asshole at all.  You are doing the smart thing.   Sorry for your troubles - I thought I had some family issues.....
Best wishes with it.

Fuck him.

He’s the A-hole.

Have a beer forget him and sleep well.

I would cut off your brother. Be done with him.
I currently have a sister like that. She never hits rock bottom. Every time we think we think she did, she finds a new low.
There is no help for people that this.
Avoid him. Live your life.

F(ifth)PNI

He’s gotta hit rock bottom on his own. Any help will only hurt him.

I have a scumbag for a brother as well. He’s got enough enablers in his life for me to help him one bit.

F*ck that. Don't look back. If it wasn't for blood you'd never have thought of him the last 20plus years.
You owe him nothing. Forget him and feel no guilt. He made is decisions.

You mom should be in prison too, fuck em both.

Not an asshole

Sounds like you’ve done everything you can and then some.

I don't have time for people like that in my life, friends or family.
You are not in the wrong