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Posted: 8/12/2007 5:58:06 PM EDT
[#1]
 I actually had wondered about that.
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Posted: 8/12/2007 6:06:24 PM EDT
[#2]
Get around.....get clothes/stuff ready to go.... Like if I'm going to the store, getting around would involve getting my keys, sunglasses, wallet and shoes..
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Posted: 8/12/2007 6:56:54 PM EDT
[#3]
Back in High School I was loving up my g/f, after I finished I tossed the used proflactic towards the garbage can but missed and it landed on the floor. We went downstairs to get a drink of water and when I came back up to the bedroom a few minutes later, her dog is doing everything she can to eat everything out from the inside of the used condom.
That was pretty funny and gross at the same time. |
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Posted: 8/12/2007 7:00:07 PM EDT
[#4]
So that's what you guys are calling it these days.
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Posted: 8/12/2007 7:01:11 PM EDT
[#5]
It sounds less "icky."  - BG |
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Posted: 8/12/2007 7:04:28 PM EDT
[#6]
"tagging" my dad's office chair after hours..........
and then letting it slip out in a drunken moment at a family function
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Posted: 8/12/2007 7:04:37 PM EDT
[#7]
Reminds me of one night about 13-14 years ago. My wife and I were having an energetic session on our bed. I'm on top, working away, when suddenly I feel a cold little hand on my leg, followed by a little voice saying "Daddy?". We had left the door open and my three year-old son had woken up and come in to see what all the commotion was about. Luckily, it was dark and he had no idea what was happening, so we didn't have to explain much. Nothing kills the mood faster than your kid catching you in the act. 
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Posted: 8/12/2007 7:30:40 PM EDT
[#8]
17 and no girlfriend. God I need a life.
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Posted: 8/12/2007 7:37:01 PM EDT
[#9]
Girls can wait till college, go have fun/get drunk/etc etc for the rest of high school. |
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Posted: 8/12/2007 7:37:56 PM EDT
[#10]
I lived in a house with 5 women in college. Very interesting is all I am gonna say!!!!
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Posted: 8/12/2007 7:38:11 PM EDT
[#11]
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Posted: 8/12/2007 8:02:23 PM EDT
[#12]
I've got way too many caught in the act vouyeuristic stories that I could tell. The funiest story though, was when my wife and I were camping before we were married. We had made our way through most of the kama sutra positions in our little tent, when she finally wanted to get on top of me. She began her ride and started to tense up. I decided to take over the movement from below, which triggered her peeing all over me and our bedding. It ruined the moment for me, but she didn't complain at all about me finding her G-spot. I still remind her every now and then about that one time when she peed on me.
 The most embarrassing story was when my soon to be wife was at a boring family function with me. She disappeared and when I found her, she was on my parents bed. She asked If I'd give her a backrub and so I kneeled down over her while she layed on the bed face down. After the backrub got boring, I started to ease my hands under her clothes in any direction that I could reach. I had both hands buried far beneath her clothes playing with her muffin, when my grandmother bursts into the room. I of course pulled back my hands, but was absolutely speechless. My grandmother was on a mission to find something, but still noticed everything. She found what she needed and quickly left in an awkword way. We laughed our asses off, and decided to mingle with the other relatives. 
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Posted: 8/12/2007 8:08:00 PM EDT
[#13]
Well. Ill take a risk since my dad cruises arfcom. This don't seem like his kind of thread though. (God I hope not.)
Anyway. I got a million of these stories. Some more mundane, some no one would believe even if I had a signed and notarized letter from all parties involved. Here are some short one line descriptions of some. Caught in a public park at about 2 am. College girl pukes in a trash can while skunk drunk sitting on her bed asking "Will you fuck me". Broke (And by broke I mean the whole thing collapsed) my futon I use to sleep on in my parents basement (shut up). Ex (while we were going out) tried to set me on fire while doing the horizontal monster mash. Almost caught in a utility closet in highschool. Does it count as incest if its your Exchange sister (germany)? Had a "Which couple can make the most noise" contest when I lived with roommates. And of course... Caught on a train in eastern Europe with subsequent police chase (on foot). I can elaborate if you want, but most of them are self explaintory. |
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Posted: 8/12/2007 8:08:16 PM EDT
[#14]
might be to much info, but my wife does that a lot...... it is not pee. Its clear and dosn't have a odor. tast pretty good too............ ok I will shut up nowh.gif |
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Posted: 8/12/2007 8:19:52 PM EDT
[#15]
Should have stopped at "might be too much info." - BG |
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Posted: 8/12/2007 8:20:32 PM EDT
[#16]
 quoted so it can't be edited again |
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Posted: 8/12/2007 8:25:50 PM EDT
[#17]
Gotta be a sigline in there somewhere... 
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Posted: 8/12/2007 8:27:54 PM EDT
[#18]
Not pee. Best thing ever. My tale: During the "salad days" of failed marriage #2, the wife and I were in the kitchen together working on making some fajitas. We were both prepping the peppers and onions and grating cheese and so forth. Well, it was hot, and we were both in "casual wear" and rubbing against each other and ... ... we end up stripping each other's clothes off and stumble to the bed and start rubbing and touching and kissing and licking and in a simultaneous realization, it becomes immediately apparent to both of us that at least one of us had been handling jalapeno peppers. Yeah. Ouch.  At any rate, showers were taken, bodies were re-engaged, fajita fixin's were disposed of, having been on the counter all night. |
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Posted: 8/12/2007 8:37:53 PM EDT
[#19]
I'd be really interested in the story of your ex trying to light you on fire. 
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Posted: 8/12/2007 8:47:36 PM EDT
[#20]
Alright I have a few, but just one for now.
I was on a long road trip with my girlfriend. We were driving to Tuscon Arizona and I had never been to the Southwest before. We were going along I-10 and it was fantastic weather, early afternoonish. I was loving the Southwestern countryside and somewhere in Arizona or New Mexico we stopped the car to walk around in the desert a little bit. I told her I wanted to run around naked. Since it was late December, temperatures were moderate--in the 70s I think. So we decide to run around naked and then have sex in the desert. We throw a blanket down and put our clothes on it, then ran around for a while, climbed on some rocks and trees and so on. She looked really hot by the way, so I take her back to the blanket. Just as I'm about to lay down on the blanket and pull her on top of me I look down and see a tarantula crawling around on the blanket.  It scared the hell out of me since I had never seen a tarantula outside of a cage up to that point. So I grabbed a stick and chased the tarantula off to resume our mission.We're fucking like crazy, she's on top of me and facing me, the sun feels warm and we're surrounded by beautiful scenery. I'm getting close to finishing and I put my hands on her hips and start running my hands up and down the side of her body. I feel a little "squish" and she starts SCREAMING. I pulled my hand off and saw a huge ass wasp fly away from her. So we figured out she was stung by a bee or wasp pretty quickly and I'm still so close, I almost asked her if I could finish because it would take less than 5 seconds, but I decided to remain frustrated rather than come across as insensitive. I wound up pulling a massive stinger out of the side of her body. She was red and swollen for a good 6 hours at least. She had never been stung by a bee before. I've been stung several times but never seen a stinger that big before. |
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Posted: 8/12/2007 8:50:49 PM EDT
[#21]
(quote from DzlBenz)
My tale: During the "salad days" of failed marriage #2, the wife and I were in the kitchen together working on making some fajitas. We were both prepping the peppers and onions and grating cheese and so forth. Well, it was hot, and we were both in "casual wear" and rubbing against each other and ... ... we end up stripping each other's clothes off and stumble to the bed and start rubbing and touching and kissing and licking and in a simultaneous realization, it becomes immediately apparent to both of us that at least one of us had been handling jalapeno peppers. Yeah. Ouch. At any rate, showers were taken, bodies were re-engaged, fajita fixin's were disposed of, having been on the counter all night. (end quote) That is funny! There almost needs to be a thread of what not to do such as... rose pedals WILL stain bed sheets, desert toppings ARE messy, security cameras ARE everywhere, silicone lube WILL destroy silicone toys (use waterbase only lube), gravel pits ARE full of leaches, EVERYONE that lives on a lake owns a pair of binoculars or a telescope, airplane bathrooms ARE extremely small, tents ARE see-through when a light is on in them at night, and ALWAYS look for poison ivy while rolling around in the woods. |
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Posted: 8/12/2007 8:55:12 PM EDT
[#22]
Haha thats nothing, my ex wanted to and tried to cut meh wang off once. 
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Posted: 8/12/2007 8:55:42 PM EDT
[#23]
If it was black with orange wings it was a tarantula hawk. They paralyze tarantulas with their stinger, then lay their eggs in the body. Their young eat the spider alive. |
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Posted: 8/12/2007 8:59:37 PM EDT
[#24]
Pubes caught in her braces.
That's all I'm going to mention. |
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Posted: 8/12/2007 9:09:15 PM EDT
[#25]
OK, I started rather young. I think this was my second of third time ever.
Me and two of my buddies went over to another friend's house with our girlfriends. Well, we all hit the bedrooms and got busy. As I was in the act, the friend charged in the room saying his folks were there. Oh shit! So my girlfriend, me and the others charged out of the house buck naked without clothes or anything. I vividly remember stopping outside the house to pull off the condom. Thankfully, the friend was able to get us back our clothes. |
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Posted: 8/12/2007 9:17:58 PM EDT
[#26]
Back in highschool I was getting a handy and my girlfriend (wife now...) decided BenGay would feel good without asking me aboutit
 Just a couple months ago her and I had been arguing while her sister was over. Later on in the evening she decided she was wrong and wanted to "make up". It's probably midnight, and I'm still pissed at her but she wants sex. Her sister is on the couch in the next room and the door is open. So we start going at it and I whisper into her ear "bring your sister in here, I want to fuck her too". LOL Talk about a rodeo fuck! I held on and she got over it. The next morning her sister told us that we need to close the door next time shes sleeping on our couch
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Posted: 8/12/2007 9:30:36 PM EDT
[#27]
I've got a few but a couple of my favorites that I can't normally tell people about are these;
First one was when we were fairly new couple with a young child . Our first kid used to crawl in our bed at night if he got scared. This was in the early nineties when the star wars movies were being updated and we were watching them a lot. one night we were feeling frisky and started in on each other. our son woke up and wouldn't go back to sleep. He finally wound up in our bed, leaving both of us frustrated. Usually if we were quiet for a few minutes he'd fall deep asleep and we could put him back in his crib or slide him off onto a little bed we made for him. We waited a while till he finally fell asleep. So my wife slides over and we pick up where we left off. After a few moments we hear this little voice in the dark: "I have a baaad feeling about this!" We both froze in place for a moment and then just busted out laughing. It killed the mood but we laugh about it to this day. We have never told the boy who's 13 now and would DIE if he knew he was even in the same room where we were being amorous. The second one was with our second son, almost the same situation. He'd gotten scared and had crawled in bed with us. It was the middle of the night and we were going at it doggie style. All of a sudden my wife wacked me on the butt cheek. I was thinking "wow, she's never done that before" She kept spanking me and it took me a few moments to realize, I knew where both her hands were. I whirled around and my 2 year old was standing there slapping me on the butt in rythm. It was almost pitch black so he didn't see anything but it killed me like throwing a bucket of cold water on me. We still crack up about that one too. Every once in a while if we're at a party or social get together and my wife is really horny she'll say "I have a baaaad feeling about this" and we'll both die laughing. |
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Posted: 8/12/2007 9:44:19 PM EDT
[#28]
In high school was parking with girlfriend in a gravel pit. She had to be home by midnight, but I wasn't "done" yet, so she mounted me with her back to the steering wheel for the drive to her place. I promptly drove off a 10' cliff in the gravel pit. Mom's car, by the way.
We had to go knocking on neighbors' doors and finally found someone who answered, we called a tow truck, girlfriend finally got home around 3:00 or so. |
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Posted: 8/12/2007 10:11:14 PM EDT
[#29]
Well the wasp was definitely black, but I didn't get a look at the wings. Like I said, I felt it "squish" and when she started screaming I moved my hands away and saw it briefly as it flew away. Damn that was crazy.
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Posted: 8/13/2007 3:12:33 AM EDT
[#30]
On of our young kids asked mommie "Is Daddy gonna wrestle you tonight?"
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Posted: 8/13/2007 5:17:41 AM EDT
[#31]
Alright. She was a crazy and we were both young. We had been having a great relationship for about 2 months and everything was going great. She wasnt crazy at the time and we both had a lot of fun. What I didnt know was that she and my best friend at the time started bumping uglies a few days before this. This was before I understood some of the mental defenses women have in their brain for when they want to break up with a guy. Even if you are the perfect gentlemen and you do everything they love and never hurt them or make them mad, they will demonize you in their mind and convince themselves you deserve whatever they throw at you. Anyway, shes on top, rockin the block, there were candles lit for the mood and all of a sudden she grabs a piece of paper and lights it on a candle and starts crying. She holds it above me for a second and plunges it into my chest. Needless to say I threw her the hell off and slapping at my chest to put out my newly on fire chest hair. Luckly I was young and it wasnt really long. Needless to say that as im tending to my burn wounds she breaks up with me telling me how horrible of a person I am and that my best friend was such a better boyfriend. I, till this day, have a patch that has no hair on my chest. Neither of them are allowed to speak to me anymore. My best friend gave her two STD's, beat her several times, and eventually dumped her for another girl who was "clean" in his terms. I laughed when I heard it. |
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Posted: 8/13/2007 5:47:38 AM EDT
[#32]
I was young and it was my first time with this girl. She asked me if I wanted her to give me a bj. I agreed,
 , so she goes down and gets situated. She starts taking it in her mouth, goes down, back up, then stops, and lays next to me. Then she says, 'do you want me to do it again?' Like that's all there was to it, in, out, done. I thought, but didn't say, 'yeah, maybe like 25-30 more times without stopping in between'. |
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Posted: 8/13/2007 6:28:04 AM EDT
[#33]
Interesting wouldn't be the way she described it! Let's just say my reaction was based on instinct. Amazingly enough a friend of mine had almost the same thing happen with his wife's yorkie. The only difference is the dog got three or four of those tiny dog, rapid fire licks in on his sack before he could react. E-95 |
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Posted: 8/13/2007 6:38:53 AM EDT
[#34]
You should have returned the favor. Go down, one lick, then lay down.
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Posted: 8/13/2007 6:47:47 AM EDT
[#35]
Yeah, 'want me to do it again?'
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Posted: 8/13/2007 6:49:46 AM EDT
[#36]
ok thats funny |
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Posted: 8/13/2007 7:42:51 AM EDT
[#37]
Mine was when I was 18 I think, still a virgin.
This chick was a very hot chicky snack. She was 17 and engaged. We were at a party, everyone getting drunk, she was sitting on my lap and we were pretty enthralled with each other. The party ran out of beer, and everyone there except us went on a beer run. So we get a little more frisky, and finally laying down at the center of the living room floor. I am enjoying eating at the Y for my first time ever. And then the door pops open, and 14 people are back from the beer run. Fortunately, the lead guy walks in a few steps, he takes in what is happening, and backs up, forcing everyone back outside, allowing us to get dressed. Damn it, didn't lose my virginity until the next week with her. ETA: this did not hurt my rep at high school TXL |
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Posted: 8/13/2007 8:16:40 AM EDT
[#38]
gaT A toN sI sihT |
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Posted: 8/13/2007 9:32:45 AM EDT
[#39]
You know the Altoids thing. The girl is supposed to chomp a few up and give you a hummer. Don't try it. That shit burns. We went from frisky blowjob time to me sticking my johnson in the sink.
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Posted: 8/13/2007 9:35:57 AM EDT
[#40]
Future wife and I in my old pickup truck (S-10), fooling around. Barley enough room to do anything, and we are parked at a parking lot right in the middle of town. It wasn't lit at all though, so we figured it was a good place (even though it sat right on a US Route).
So, unsuprisingly, there are headlights that pull in behind us. We hunker down (she didn't have her license yet, but was sitting on the drivers side for... well, "accessibility" reasons. I peek up and see its a cop. I'm telling her get dressed in a hurry. He doesn't get out of the car. He pulls up about three spaces over from us and starts typing on his computer. We're sitting there terrified because we're the only other vehicle in the lot. We switch sides (very carefully) making sure not to go above the window line, or hit the brake pedal or anything. He sits there for 20 minutes or so and then takes off. We wait until he's outta sight and then tear out of there. We almost got caught in a car on a covered bridge out in the country, too. I don't know how we escaped that one. The only person that has actually caught us in the act was my dad, and he was pretty cool about it. He took off work early to go to a doctor's appointment and came home. We just got home from school and were just getting started when I hear the back door slam shut. She sprang up and ran to the bathroom and I'm sitting there half naked. Later on he sits me down and wants to make sure we were using protection, then he pauses and says, "Now, you are making sure she's enjoying herself too, right?" I love my dad
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Posted: 8/13/2007 10:09:03 AM EDT
[#41]
j/k! |
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Posted: 8/13/2007 10:26:31 AM EDT
[#42]
Yes, it's rather distracting when you're doing the deed and the fuckin' dog decides it wants to lick your foot that's hanging over the edge of the bed. J |
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Posted: 8/13/2007 10:32:20 AM EDT
[#43]
if i hold that up to a mirror it loos kinda funny |
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Posted: 8/13/2007 11:25:35 AM EDT
[#44]
Sounds like an average weekend with TxL at my house. TRG |
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Posted: 8/13/2007 11:43:46 AM EDT
[#45]
Not sure about amusing, but there was this one time at band camp.......
No really, one time new wife & I are in the truck, pull up to light @ the train tracks. The lights start flashing and the gate comes down. She goes, "You want a BJ while we are waiting?" I think unzipping and pulling it out was answer enough. It was a long freight train....but I did finish before the gates went back up!
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Posted: 8/13/2007 12:26:53 PM EDT
[#46]
Alright, so back when I was 18 or 19, I was hooking up with this girl that had been a gymnast in high school.
We're in her room, and I'm going down on her. She's got her legs clamped around my head and she's thrusting her pelvis into my face like a freakin' jackhammer. After a minute or so, I feel a lot of liquid smushing around my face, and I'm thinking "man, I know I'm good, but damn that was quick!", so I start to stand up while literally prying her legs from around my head...when I notice her snatch is covered in blood. I jump back about 3 or 4 feet, arm outstretched, finger pointed accusingly, and pretty much shriek "what the fuck is that!?!" ...then I feel blood dripping down my chin and onto the carpet. She had been slamming herself into my face so hard, she busted my nose.
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Posted: 8/13/2007 12:35:21 PM EDT
[#47]
 That could have been a lot worse! Better your blood than hers.
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Posted: 8/13/2007 12:52:34 PM EDT
[#48]
I took my first real girlfriend from high school up to visit my grandparents in Chicago for the weekend. I was 15 at the time, and was much more interested in making out with my girlfriend than visiting with the relatives. We spent most of our time upstairs in the house "watching TV" while the rest of the family was downstairs.
The second night, my parents were getting a little annoyed that we weren't around but I didn't care. As usual, after dinner we went upstairs to "watch tv". My little cousins were also in town at the time and were supposed to go to bed, but they wanted to watch tv with my girlfriend and me. Two times, just as I was starting to make out with my girlfriend, they would knock on the door to the room we were in, and I would go tell them to get to bed. Finally we had a stretch with no interruptions and we started to get busy. She pulled me on top of her, and I was happy that "Umbro" athletic shorts were in style because it was almost like a very very thick condom. There wasn't any penetration happening, but to a couple of horny virgins it felt pretty damn good. Just then, I hear a knock at the door. I'm sure it's my annoying cousins so I yell: "Go back to bed". My dad opens the door and I think I stared at him stupidly for a second or two before jumping away from my girlfriend. "I was going to ask you guys if you wanted dessert, but it looks like you already got yours" he said. I was too young and embarrassed at the time to appreciate how funny that was. |
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Posted: 8/13/2007 1:25:12 PM EDT
[#49]
Valley Forge National Park, my high school GF and I are parked in some out of the way back corner of the park off the main driving tour path. We're both necked, I'm sitting in the passenger seat of her car, she's sitting on top riding me, and we are just totally into what we are doing. We hear a horn honk and look up, and here is a park ranger patrol car parked right next to us. So both of us are looking at him with the "deer in the headlights look". He waves at us, gives us the "move along, shoo" wave and takes off, and as soon as we can dress enough, so do we! |
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Posted: 8/13/2007 1:58:24 PM EDT
[#50]
Let me preface by saying that at this point in my life, I believe that premarital sex is wrong.......and I haven't done too well at living up to that. I don't want to glorify sex without the appropriate context. That said, these are pretty funny.
20 years old. My GF and I went to a bonfire party on a bud's farm. Had a few beers, hung out for awhile. She gives me the "I want it now" look, so we head to my car. Wound up doing our thing, her on top, in the drivers seat of my Firebird. She was pretty much a nympho, it was over an hour before she had enough. This is important later on.......I then had to take her home as she was working the next morning. After I dropped her off, I stopped by some friends at the local hangout. What I didn't realize was that she had soaked the entire front of my shirt from the hemline to a point halfway up the front. My buddy says "what happened to you?" and points at my shirt. Me-------> "Well, uh....it was like this".Buddies-------->  23 years old. I came home from driving pizza at about 0430.....and my buddy from work is picking me up at 0530 to go pheasant hunting. My GF was at home sleeping....I went in to give her a kiss and let her know I'm going hunting, she's horny and pulls me in for a quickie. Half an hour later, we are going at it and so far there are runners on first and second. Time is getting tight but she is close so I'm swinging for the home run and giving her everything I had......she hits the magic moment and arches her back in a spasm, I was going too fast and too hard. I was all the way out and smashing my johnson between our pelvic bones at full military thrust before I could react. The pain was totally indescribable. It shot through both my legs like lightening and my whole body convulsed. Mr. Happy turned black and blue, thankfully the erection went away, sort of. I iced it up for a few minutes, and limped my way though the pheasant hunt. No way was I not hunting! I wasn't walking too good and it took weeks to heal. Made for a lot of jokes and ribbing from my buddies, and painful sex for a couple of weeks. |
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