Quoted: WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses! I thought the results were pretty interesting: 85% of women think their ass is too fat.. 10% of women think their ass is too skinny... The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

I would have to say I fall within the 5%.

LIZARD BIRTHING

Overview: A father had taken his son's lizard to the vet.  Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.  "I'm serious dad, can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom.  One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my gosh!" my wife diagnosed after a minute, "She's having babies."  

Shocked, "What?" my son demanded.  "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"  I was equally outraged. (duh)

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me.  (again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.  "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced.  "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked. Yuck.

"Well, isn't THAT  just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged. Surprised

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie breathe," he urged, crying.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)


The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.  "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"  I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor.  In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle.  And giggle.  And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that... I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was  going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea."  Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.




2 Lizards - $140...

1 Cage - $50...

Trip to the Vet - $30...

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's wanker.....Priceless

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but
are both  married to other people, found themselves
assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing
a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...
he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing
to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight,
let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

Quoted: A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both  married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!" After a moment of silence, he farted.

Well at least in this scenario, there'll be no "dutch oven-ing."

This is a true story:
I was in Fowler Firearms several weeks ago looking at revolvers, standing next to me was man surveying the selection of shotguns on the wall.  Josh (Aim4myhead) asks what he was interested in and the man replied, "Well, my wife wants a 10mm Glock." With a chuckle Josh says "Then why are you looking at shotguns?" The man answered, "She can shoot me with a Glock she keeps in her purse and I'll never see it coming, a shotgun I'll hear."  

Why are women so lousy at parking?
Because men keep telling them that this: _____________________________
is 6 inches....

Blonde joke from chain email:


A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.  I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax.  Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....."
he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

Quoted: A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both  married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!" After a moment of silence, he farted.

Not exactly the same thing, but a similar subject, and funny (at least to me).

I was taking the new (to us) car to the dealership for an oil change and a little extra lovin' and my wife thought it might be a good idea for me to take our 2.5 yr-old daughter.  She was all for it, so that meant I had to be, too.  We're sitting in the waiting room, and I'm on her to "sit down".  She finally does, and settles into her seat.  The room get quiet just in time for:

<toot />

and

<half_toot_follow-up />



I'm trying not to laugh, and trying not to make eye contact with anybody.

Daughter says: "I tooted, Daddy."  I say: "I know you did.  Now what do you say?"

Her: "It was me, Daddy!  I tooted."

Me: "Thank you for sharing that, now wha-"

Her: <beaming_proudly>"It was me!"</beaming_proudly>

Quoted: I was taking the new (to us) car to the dealership for an oil change and a little extra lovin' and my wife thought it might be a good idea for me to take our 2.5 yr-old daughter.

Don't worry about your little girl...with Mom leading the way...she'll learn charming coersion....

Quoted: Quoted: I was taking the new (to us) car to the dealership for an oil change and a little extra lovin' and my wife thought it might be a good idea for me to take our 2.5 yr-old daughter. Don't worry about your little girl...with Mom leading the way...she'll learn charming coersion....

I know that's the way it normally works, but overall I think it's actually mommy who's learning some lessons from this one.

An elderly couple awoke on their 75th wedding anniversary. At the breakfast table, the husband says, "Do you remember when we were newlyweds? We would have breakfast together in the nude."
"Yes, I remember", says the wife.
The husband says, "Why don't we do it once more, just for old times sake."
So they proceed to take off their clothes, and as they sit there in the nude, the wife says," Honey, after all these years, my nipples are still hot."
To which the husband replies, "Thats because one is in your coffee, and the other is in your oatmeal."

Quoted: An elderly couple awoke on their 75th wedding anniversary. At the breakfast table, the husband says, "Do you remember when we were newlyweds? We would have breakfast together in the nude." "Yes, I remember", says the wife. The husband says, "Why don't we do it once more, just for old times sake." So they proceed to take off their clothes, and as they sit there in the nude, the wife says," Honey, after all these years, my nipples are still hot." To which the husband replies, "Thats because one is in your coffee, and the other is in your oatmeal."

Why you never question a drunk

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of turkey bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelicts intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."