back to the first post,,,, had to be bad MRE,,,, those things are EVIL when they go bad.  
Half the time you won't know until you eat one and its ummm MF.


Put yourself in his place.  I guess he could have raided one of the stalls,  'Me got to GO GO"  Leave now
or I will Mess you up!!"

wolf

I'd probably try the ladies room first, if that didn't work, I'd go with the trashcan.

Quoted: I bet an alien jumped out of his ass right after you walked out ...

Some of you asked but not officially...

My buddy was at college and was on his way home for the summer.  He was feeling a little queasy but decided to start driving.  As he was going along, he felt really sick and no place to pull over due to the traffic.  So he drives along and finally sees an exit.  As he was hitting the exit, an explosion occurred in his pants.  I was following him in my car so I pulled over too.  He skidded to a halt at he first gas station and ran into the bathroom.  He was in there a while so I kocked to see if he was ok. He opens the door and I see him with his pants off and he is washing his underwear in the sink.  I must have busted a gut laughing.  He made a mess in the bathroom too, I bet they didnt pass inspection for a while.  And you wonder why those working guys go on WING HUNTS.

AHHHH Kong pow 's revenge! I've had that before!!!
Not good!!!!


oh the Hershey highway is greased with Red Dragon grease, Damn stir fry does it to me everytime.

was it mike moore and rosie odonnel having sex

What was his name:

"Oan Flun Poo"

or

"Sho da Poo"

Quoted: There should almost be a poll about this - where's Milsurp when you need him? I'm curious what people here would do in a similar situation, if their ass was seriously seconds away from a catastrophic wet explosion. - do it in the unrinal like the guy did - go in the trash can - run into the ladies room - crap in your pants and suck it up ... other alternatives?

Sure, just sit on the sink. Of course, the splashback might be hard to deal with. Kinda like a blender with the lid off.

What ever happened to flushing the toilet then crapping????  

As opposed to the sink, trashcan, or urinal.

Digital

I can look at gore/crap etc., but my nose is weirdly connected to my gut. Had I been you, I probably would have puked in his lap while he was dumping his load.

Sick Member I think I just busted a gut reading 1gunruners airport adventure,  might even have detached a retina.  Toilet humor just cracks me up!!

Quoted: Don't eat the onion rings at Burger King.  I thought it was just something weird with my guts, but have recently learned (through the odd conversations the women my wife works with) several others have the same reaction--VIOLENT, painful diahrea after eating them.  So far no "accidents" but I've squatted along the road and sprayed the bushes more than once before figuring out what did it.  Ugh!

My wife forbids me to eat them.... no diahrea, but I can seriously make the blankets float above the bed on a green cloud....

Once while I was in the Army we spent a month a Gowan Field, Idaho. After being in the field for a few weeks we were brought back into some barracks to take showers, clean weapons, etc. Our group got there first, buildings were locked and I was about to shit my pants. I started looking around, I could not hold it any longer, I found a place to go by some steps, there were some bushes so I was hidden some. I could not stop going, when done I wiped with c-ration toilet paper and joined the group. Later on when we were in the building I heard some  talk of some nasty bastard taking a dump outside the back door.

Quoted: I can look at gore/crap etc., but my nose is weirdly connected to my gut. Had I been you, I probably would have puked in his lap while he was dumping his load.

Now that is funny.  If you had done that then he would have started and it just would gotten worse from there.

still laughing

wolf

I don't see a problem.  Man had to SHIT!  Me poopy come now sir ......long time.  Prarie doggin is a bad feeling.  Besides, girls sit and pee in sinks in clubs all the time. (Mental Memo: never fill sinks with water to wash face!)

He had to do what was necessary. I know I would have done the exact same thing. It's disgusting, but understandable.

Quoted: at least he didn't back up to YOUR urinal

Or shit in the sink!

Quoted: ...Besides, girls sit and pee in sinks in clubs all the time....

MMmmmmm, for some reason...that turns me on. LOL. Skanky club girls peeing in sinks....that could be a fetish.

Quoted: ...Besides, girls sit and pee in sinks in clubs all the time....

That's because they're drunk.  I have peed on my friend's living room carpet before because I was so drunk.

After all that, I'm just sorry for the poor bastard that had to clean it up.

Quoted: At least he didn't do it in the sink. My wife used to work at a Taco Bell while she was in college, and they had problems with people shitting in the mens room sinks.

...That's fucking sick.

LMFAO.....That KimChi is some mean shit.......I've been to China 13 times and I have seen some funky stuff. I watched a man take a dump in the middle of the sidewalk. Or a lady holding her infant out into the street so he can take a piss on passing cars and motor bikes. Most of the bathrooms in the rural areas are nothing more than a hole in the floor. The smell it seems does not bother them. Have you ever smelled rotten deep fried bean curd? I was walking down the street and Xaimen when I happened on the foulest of all smells. I fully expected to come up on a rotting corpse. Turned out to be a street vendor selling deep fried rotten bean curd.

Have you ever seen anyone eat a live, furless blind mouse baby? How about a fish that is not dead? I could go on.


Bomber

One time, as a security guard...I had a long day.

It started off with a house being burned down the night before, and we were hired to keep people out of it.
My boss calls me to come relieve him because he has been up over 25 hours and needed to get out of there.  So, I go and I am there for 2 hours and then I go finish the day at my normal post.  (I started work at about 0730 on Friday and got off at about 1500)
Well, he needed a guy for the next day too, so I volunteered to work 0400-0700 on Saturday.
I ended up hanging out with my friends from the time I got home until the time the girls left about 0100 on Saturday.  Knowing I would not be able to wake up and with help from my friends I stayed up the whole time and stopped at QT before work.  I got the 44oz filled with a little ice, fruit punch Gatorade, and about 1/4 of it was the rooster booster energy drink to keep me awake so I don't get fired for sleeping.

It worked for about an hour but after sitting in my car with no where to go and the nasty smell of a burned down house I reclined the seat where I fell asleep.  About 45 minutes later I was awake and sweating with a bad feeling in my stomach.  I have felt the feeling many times in the past, and it is never good news.  But this was worse.  I was in a neighborhood at about 5 am at a house I couldn't leave with no working bathrooms and no fresh drinking water or anything that could help me.

I began to panic and just figure it would be easier to drive to a gas station and risk losing my job over ruining my uniform and the seat of the rental car I was in.  Well, it was too late.  Some thing had to come out whether I was ready or not.  I grabbed my 44 oz cup and ran into the burned down house thinking of a plan...I managed to grab a shovel one of the workers left and a half roll of burned paper towels...the only lucky part of this story.

Here was the really hard part, I ran into the backyard to see if there was a spot I could go without getting arrested...went to the side of the house where there was a tree and a lot of loose dirt...it was also where they left all of their dogs shit.  I ripped my pants down to my ankles and lifted my shirt and tried to squat over the behemoth 44oz cup.  What followed was quite possibly the worst experience of my life.  I got most of it in the cup but the smell was so bad I can not describe it.  It made me start to gag...so now I am having convulsions at both ends...luckily I did not puke but I missed a lot more.

It finally stopped with the cup filled (I shit you not) half way with a nasty liquidy solid substance.  I look at my BDU pants to realize that they took some splash back and I was going to have quite a mess no matter what happens next.

I used the paper towels to clean up as best I could and got my uniform back on, hoping the smell wasn't noticeable.  I used the shovel to cover the stuff that missed and so no one would know.  And put the shovel and burned paper towels back.  Not being to happy with the cleanliness of the situation I scoured the house for some TP and was lucky to find a fresh box of tissues...uh oh the feeling is back...and I begin to sweat and tremble again.  Well, I made it back to the cup and started filling the thing back up.  It is now 0600 and I am afraid the owner of the house might show up early and have to see me doing this.  I get cleaned up again and pour enough dirt to fill the cup the rest of the way effectively stopping the smell.  Hell, now what do I do with the cup?  Well, I wrapped it in paper towels and stuffed it behind the seat in the rental car.  I walked around the front of the house for about an hour still with a bad feeling in my stomach hoping it wouldn't happen again.  Luckily it didn't and I made it back home without anyone noticing, with a stop on the way to get rid of the cup.

I went back out that night and never offered to stay up 30 hours again.

Quoted: LMFAO.....That KimChi is some mean shit.......I've been to China 13 times and I have seen some funky stuff. I watched a man take a dump in the middle of the sidewalk. Or a lady holding her infant out into the street so he can take a piss on passing cars and motor bikes. Most of the bathrooms in the rural areas are nothing more than a hole in the floor. The smell it seems does not bother them. Have you ever smelled rotten deep fried bean curd? I was walking down the street and Xaimen when I happened on the foulest of all smells. I fully expected to come up on a rotting corpse. Turned out to be a street vendor selling deep fried rotten bean curd. Have you ever seen anyone eat a live, furless blind mouse baby? How about a fish that is not dead? I could go on. Bomber

Strangely enough bean curd is one of the things that they use to test toilets with

mirrors.meepzorp.com/miami.com/herald/toilet-testers/

Toilet testers strive to come out No. 2

By DAVE BARRY

TASTEFULNESS ADVISORY: Do not read this column if you are eating, or plan to eat ever again. Thank you.

Recently I watched as a professional engineer attempted to flush fermented bean curd down a toilet.

This was not some fun engineer prank. This was a laboratory test conducted at the research center of the National Association of Home Builders, which is trying to develop a laboratory test for toilet performance that simulates the challenges faced by toilets in the real world.

This research is necessary because Americans are unhappy with the wimpy toilets we are now required to buy. We yearn for the glory years, when our toilets were among the most powerful on earth -- when the standard American household commode could, in a single flush, as proven in actual tests, suck down a mature sheep.

(Before I get a lot of mail from angry animal-rights activists, let me stress that these tests did NOT use an actual sheep. That would be barbaric! They used two goats tied together.)

But then, in 1992, the U.S. Congress -- instead of passing a law that would actually benefit ordinary Americans, such as a mandatory death penalty for telemarketers -- decided to cripple our toilets. Specifically, Congress passed a law limiting new toilets to 1.6 gallons of water per flush, less than half what the old toilets used. In terms of power and studliness, our toilets went from being the Baltimore Ravens to being Barry Manilow.

(Before I get a lot of mail from angry Barry Manilow fans, let me stress that, as a musician and a performer, he sounds like two goats tied together.)

The new toilets were supposed to save water. And they work OK when it comes to disposing of what is euphemistically referred to as ``Number One.'' The problem is that, when they must dispose of what is euphemistically referred to as ``Geraldo,'' they tend to clog, and they often must be flushed repeatedly, which actually wastes water.

(Before I get a lot of mail from angry Geraldo fans, let me stress that there ARE no Geraldo fans.)

So anyway, the plumbing and homebuilding industries have gotten many complaints about the new toilets. That's why the National Association of Home Builders has been trying to come up with a real-world toilet test, so we'll know which, if any, toilets actually work, so consumers can buy these and get rid of the bad toilets, which will then be dropped from bombers onto the U.S. Capitol.

OK, that last part is a fantasy (for now). But the NAHB really is doing serious toilet research, as I learned when I was given a tour of its Maryland research facility by Larry Zarker, Chuck Arnold and Tom Kenney. They showed me a laboratory where test toilets are mounted on a frame; the procedure is, you put your test material into the bowl, flush, then see how much material makes it through to a wire collection basket underneath. (Kids: This would be a GREAT science-fair project!)

Kenney first showed me the current test standard, in which the toilet is supposed to flush 100 little plastic balls. There are two problems with this test. One is that anybody who emits anything like 100 little plastic balls doesn't need a better toilet; he needs immediate medical care. The other problem is that the test is WAY too easy. ``Any toilet in the world can pass it,'' said Kenney.

He then showed me some of the tougher, more-realistic tests being considered. These involve various materials, including wads of paper and sponges, both weighted and unweighted, to simulate what the NAHB refers to as ``sinkers'' and ``floaters.''

But the most impressive test material, by FAR, is the fermented bean curd, which Kenney said is made, using a secret recipe, by the Toto toilet company of Japan, a world leader in commode innovation. I mean, this stuff looks EXACTLY like real Geraldo. I myself would not touch it. I watched in fascinated horror as Kenney boldly grasped a mass of it and, with his bare hands, formed 10 incredibly lifelike Puff Daddies. Needless to say, these clogged the test toilet.

I was deeply moved by this experience. I came away convinced that these engineers will, some day, develop a test that will enable us, as a nation, to once again have faith in our commodes. When that day comes, I want to shake the hands of the courageous researchers who made it possible. But first they will have to wash up.

Nastiest thing I ever saw as a guy gets on the subway train and he is pretty drunk, he sits down at the end of the car and after a couple of minutes blows chunks. This is in a subway car that is pretty full so there is no place to run. This guy must have eaten a garbage can full of spaghetti cause it would not stop coming out. It goes all over the place, on the walls on the pole in the middle. The train is between stations and almost everyone is retching and trying to get the hell out of the car.
The guy stands and spaghetti puke is all over his chin and shirt. He reaches up to his mouth to wipe the puke away and his hand reaches a strand of spaghetti that is hanging out of his nose. He pulls on it and a strand of spaghetti goes in his mouth and back out the nose. At this point I am ready to lose it and the car stinks and I'm having dry heaves.
A woman coming from another car steps into our car right near where the guy puked. She sees this guy bending over and the mess on the floor and as she quickly steps to go around him.
Her shoulder and hand touch the wall the guy just puked on. She just about pukes herself and everyone who is seeing this is now dry heaving or retching!!!

Can't be true. Most Chinese guys can't reach the urinal.

LOL,  when ya gotta go, ya gotta go.    My father told me how he decorated the inside of a grounds keepers shed in the middle of a golf course once.

Quoted: Obligatory for this type of thread: For those women who may be reading this, let me take a moment to explain "The Move." Men know exactly what their bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time comes to empty the cache, a sequence of physiological events occur that can not be stopped under any circumstances. There is a move men make that involves simultaneously approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to position ones ass toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones waistline, and pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the same time. It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in the flawless expulsion of shit at the exact same second that one’s ass is properly placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even assures that the choad is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet in the event that the piss stream lets loose at the same time; it is truly a picture of coordination rivaling that of a skilled ballet dancer.

 ...man...all this needs is  "more cow bell"  in the background and it would pass for a work of art!

I couldn't imagine wiping my ass with that paper towel. Might as well hand me some sand paper.
But in that situation anything was better than nothing.

The nastiest place I was ever in was an Open air market in Thailand.  They had all manner of "food", animal/beast/fish hanging with blood dripping into the ground, and plant hanging in this place.  This market has probably been there for years too.  The stench was FUCKING INCREDIBLE, rotting corpses smell better, I held back the urge to puke several times.  My father had a similar experience in Honk Kong.

The most screwed up thing that I have seen recently was the other day surfing the Pr0n and came across (no pun intended) this beautiful black chick but something was immediatly different about her.  A closer shot of her PIE showed that she had been the recipient of female "circumcision".  Her clitoris and "lips" were gone, that was truly fucked up to see, another one of the reasons Africa is fucked up.

Quoted: Don't eat the onion rings at Burger King.  I thought it was just something weird with my guts, but have recently learned (through the odd conversations the women my wife works with) several others have the same reaction--VIOLENT, painful diahrea after eating them.  So far no "accidents" but I've squatted along the road and sprayed the bushes more than once before figuring out what did it.  Ugh!

Dude, I love their onion rings. I've eaten them for years with no problems.

Oh man this thread is priceless.

In the same situation with the impending assplosion and all, I would have done the same thing.

Sure beats driving home with shit filled pants!

I was in a RV campground on a militray base camping in my pop up trailer.  My son and I had come back from hunting, ate some dinner, and hit the rack.  About three in the morning I wake up with some BAD cramps and knew something was about to happen.  I got up and realized I wasn't going to make it to the campground bathrooms and I started to panic.  I dropped my shorts and grabbed a plastic grocery bag that was nearby and held one handle to the front and one to the back so my ass was over the bag.  I looked at my son sleeping at the other side of the trailer and thought, what the hell is he going to think if he wakes up and see's me like this, and besides, I just couldn't do this to the little guy. I pull up my shorts and make it outside the trailer when the cramps hit me even worse.  The campground is all lit up at night so I didn't have any cover to go near the trailer.  About now it's so bad I know I'm going to lose it any second. As the cramping lessened, I was hobbling toward the bathroom but then the cramps hit again.  I looked off to the side of the road into the tall grass, cactus, and beasts of the night and almost go there, but there's no way I'm going to cop a squat without knowing what was under me so I press on towards the bathroom.  I made it as far as a dumpster with a 3/4 wall around it.  Next to it was a trashcan the old snowbird campers of the park used to collect aluminum cans to recycle. Without a second thought  dropped my shorts and sat on top of the can and blew my load all over the cans.  I was worried that someone would come up the road and see me so I got off the can and pulled up my shorts and started walking to the bathroom with crap running down the back of my legs.  I cleaned up as best as I could and headed back to the camper where I cleaned up and tripple bagged my shorts before throwing them out the door. I still feel sorry for the folks that were doing the recycling......          

Kim Chi is Korean dumbass not Chinese.

I was in high school and the toilets there have no doors for some reason. I don't want everyone seeing me taking a dump so I decide to go to the local public library a block away, but they don't open for 2 hours and my shit urge is getting worse.
I decide fuck this I'm gonna walk home but it's not a short walk. About halfway home waves of cramps are hitting me, I need to shit so bad that I am sweating, dry heaving and having to stand still to avoid blowing in my pants.
I can't take it any more so I run into a gas station and the bathroom is disgusting, there is shit sprayed on the seat, the bowl hasn't been flushed in days and there is no fuckin paper. I say fuck it and proceed to squat enough so it atleast goes into the bowl. After I'm done I'm looking around for something to wipe my ass with and all I can see is a gresy fuckin rag on the floor, I wiped and had a long shower when I finally got home

this has to be the funniest thread I have ever read!

I've seen minivan mommies dump a full diaper in the shopping center parking lot.  Those thing sreally start to stink after a few hours in the sun.

GunLvr

My boss is going to think I came to work drunk today


Courtesy of stupid people.com:
"How to Poop at Work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

I used to work for a lobbying firm (im sure you guys heard of MADE IN THE USA) which in the mid 80's was being marketed furiously.  Anyway, there was a mailroom guy named Harold, he was about 70 years old at that time and still paying off his house.  He used to chase the behemoth around the office with a 4 pack of Charmin telling her that this 4 pack was for her 10 lbs shit that she religiosly took every morning stinking up the whole office.  

It was the most funniest thing I ever seen.   Harold was a smoker for years so the doctors removed his voice box.   He spoke on this small electric device that he placed  on his throat when he spoke.

"Hey Diane! I got your 4 pack of Charmin so you can take you 10 lbs shit".



Understand one thing, this happened before all the PC laws came about later on.  Otherwize Harold would have been fired and the company sued.

Cut-n-paste...



THE GHOST POO

The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo on the toilet paper, but there's no poo in the bowl.

THE CLEAN POO

The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo in the bowl, but there's no poo on the toilet paper.

THE WET POO

You wipe your bottom fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your bottom and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.

THE SECOND WAVE POO

This poo happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realise you have to poo some more.

THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE POO

Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Poo". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

THE CORN POO

No explanation necessary.

THE LINCOLN LOG POO

The kind of poo that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

THE NOTORIUS DRINKER POO

The kind of poo you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.

HE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD POO" POO

The kind where you want to poo, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.

THE WET CHEEKS POO

Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your bottom so fast that your cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

THE LIQUID POO

That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your bottom, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.

THE MEXICAN FOOD POO

A class all its own.

THE CROWD PLEASER

This poo is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.

THE MOOD ENHANCER

This poo occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.

THE RITUAL

This poo occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.

THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS POO

A poo so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.

THE AFTERSHOCK POO

This poo has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.

THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" POO

This is any poo created in the presence of another person.

THE GROANER

A poo so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

THE FLOATER

Characterised by its floatability, this poo has been known to resurface after many flushings.

THE RANGER

A poo which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.

THE PHANTOM POO

This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.

THE PEEK-A-BOO POO

Now you see it, now you don't. This poo is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.

THE BOMBSHELL

A poo that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to poo or you are nowhere near pooing facilities.

THE SNAKE CHARMER

A long skinny poo which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.

THE OLYMPIC POO

This poo occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Poo.

THE BACK-TO-NATURE POO

This poo may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.

THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN POO

An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T poo.

PREMEDITATED POO

Laxative induced. Doesn't count.

POOZOPHERENIA

Fear of pooing - can be fatal!

ENERGIZER vs DURACELL POO

Also known as a "Still Going" poo.

THE POWER DUMP POO

The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.

THE SPINAL TAP POO

The kind of poo that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got be coming out sideways.

THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY BOTTOM" POO

Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Poos. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.

THE PORRIDGE POO

The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choIces: (a) flush and keep gong, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.

THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" POO

When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.

THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" POO

Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and gasping for air.