A gift for Arfcom. Epic trolling hilarity within. - Page 2

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[ARCHIVED THREAD] - A gift for Arfcom. Epic trolling hilarity within. (Page 2 of 2)

Posted: 2/9/2016 1:38:05 PM EDT

[#1]

Tag to read later.

Posted: 2/9/2016 1:39:44 PM EDT

[#2]

Posted: 2/9/2016 1:45:10 PM EDT

[#3]

Posted: 2/9/2016 1:46:43 PM EDT

[#4]

Posted: 2/9/2016 1:51:04 PM EDT

[#5]

tag

Posted: 2/9/2016 2:01:14 PM EDT

[#6]

That is all hilarious.

Posted: 2/9/2016 2:07:55 PM EDT

[#7]

Quote History

Quoted:
Letter to M&M Mars:

snip

YELLOW - For some reason, when I ate only yellow M&M's, the only change I noticed was that I occasionally would say the word "Thursday" out loud for no apparent reason. I can't see any practical application for this.

snip

View Quote

I see what you did there.

"I never could get the hang of Thursdays."

Posted: 2/9/2016 2:24:28 PM EDT

[#8]

Quote History

Quoted:
A Letter To Donald:

SUBJECT: Attn pls as I personally contact you
BARRISTER MARTINS FRED
MARTINS FRED & ASSOCIATES
EMENYI CHAMBERS
21 RUE DU COMMERCE,
COTONOU,
BENIN REPUBLIC

DEAR FRIEND,
This letter might come to you as a supprise but it is with deep sense of commitment, faith, trust and confidence that I make this absolute confidential risk free business proposal to you for assistance/partnership. I am deeply sorry if I have in any way disturbed your privacy.

I am Barrister MARTINS FRED personal attorney to Mr.DICKSON FRITZ from Germany, who used to work with Shell Development Company here in Benin, here in after shall be referred to me as my client.On the 21st of April 2000, my client, his wife and their three children were involved in a ghastly motor accident along Cotonou Porto-Novo Express road.Unfortunately, all occupants of the vehicle lost their lives as the vehicle caught fire after the crash.Since then I have made several inquiries to locate any of my clients extended relatives this has also proved unsuccessful hence I decided to contact you.

My purpose of contacting you is to assist in repatriating the money and property left behind by my client prior to his death before they get confiscated or declared unserviceable by the bank where this huge deposits were lodged particularly, the CONTINENTAL TRUST BANK where the deceased had an account valued at about US$10.2Million dollars. The bank had issued me a notice to provide the next of kin or have the account confiscated within the next ten official working days. Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over 2 years now. I therefore,seek your consent to present you as the next of kin of the deceased owing to the fact that you are his business associate/partner so that the proceeds of this account valued at US$10.2million dollars can be paid to you and then we can share the money afterwards. I have all the necessary official and legal documents that can be used to back up the claim we may make.

All I require is your honest co-operation to enable us in seeing this deal through. I guarantee that this will be executed under legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law. Please get in touch with me by my email or call me to enable us discuss further.

Best regards,
BARRISTER MARTINS FRED

TEL. 00229 086001
N/B; my alternate email is [email protected]

SUBJECT: Re: Attn pls as I personally contact you

Dear Fred,
The aliens told me you would be contacting me. I do not like the aliens, but you sound like a nice guy. How much lead will $10.2 million dollars buy? I need to cover my house with lead to keep the aliens from reading my thoughts. Do they read yours? I know the aliens killed Mr. Fritz. They laughed when I told them. They said I was next. Is it possible we could use the money for an ion gun or something to destroy the aliens (please do not think about this at night - they will read your thoughts and come to kill me). I have put up searchlights around my home so I can see the alien spacecrafts at night. They come each night and take me up into space where they do terrible things to me. I could use the money to build an underground fortress to protect me from the aliens? I don't know why they only take me. I am not special, but an average man who just wants $10.2 million dollars. I have a special car. The inside is covered with aluminum paint. This stops the aliens from reading my thoughts when I am driving in my car. I only wish Mr. Fritz had done this and he would still be alive today. Have you been probed? Why do they do that every time? What are they looking for? I am just a simple man who likes big wads of cash. I don't know any secrets. I see my neighbors out in the yard doing things that look normal, but I know they are in contact with the aliens. There is a man who mows his grass every day, but the grass never gets shorter. There is a baby with a red ball that has an alien camera inside. There is a woman who sunbathes topless, but when I look at her, I only see an empty chair. There is a black van which drives by twice each day. After it goes by, I get severe headaches. Then the lawnmower man laughs at me and talks to his bushes. I know what is going on. They don't want me to get $10.2 million dollars because they know I will build an ion gun. I am glad you have come to help me. Were you sent by the Alathurians? They are the only aliens who are on my side. Please write me back with any alien information you have. We can meet sometime and form our plan. Contact me as soon as possible (but not at night, please).

Donald

SUBJECT: Re:Re: Attn pls as I personally contact you

Donald,
you are a not serious the aliens will get you soon.

View Quote

Posted: 2/9/2016 2:39:30 PM EDT

[#9]

Letter to Pittsburgh Pirates:

SUBJECT: Information on bringing animal to game

Dear Sirs,

Greetings. My name is Donald Lancow and I am a Magician and public performer of many years. Perhaps you have heard of me or at least my act, “Galantar and Little Nero, Chimpanzee Magician.” We have performed in many lucrative venues including Dannigan’s of Charlotte, North Carolina and The Merlin Magic House of the Upper West side ( We were once even scheduled to appear on Jay Leno’s Tonight Show, but were bumped by a rather long interview with Yasmine Bleeth). On the weekend of August 16-18, our humble act will travel to your fair city to perform at a local establishment. As a lifelong fan of the Pittsburgh Pirates, this will be my first opportunity to see my favorite ball team in first hand action. I understand the Pirates are playing the Milwaukee Brewers that weekend an do plan to attend at least one game.

Here is my problem. As I have stated my fellow performer and friend of man, Nero the Chimpanzee, will be accompanying me during the stay. Nero is a good monkey. He has never bitten anyone or thrown stuff around like many of the ape world are known to do. Upon a search of your website in anticipation of my future visit, I see that PNC park does not allow “animals” to attend the games, but only “Seeing Eye dogs or other animal assistants utilized by the disabled.”

While I could understand this of your average stupid dog, or a dangerous cat who may scratch an unwary fan, surely this cannot apply to Nero. Nero is almost like a human being except that he has more hair and can’t speak (I have no idea what detriments these could be construed as).

I’m sure PNC park advocates the keeping of pets (surely you have pigeons?) However, I do not want to arrive at the gates of the park only to find some bohemian refuses to let Nero into the game. Therefore I was wondering if I could get some type of official word from the Pirates that would let me know this would not happen. As I said, Nero is for all intents and purposes (except hair and the speaking) human in every way. I would buy a ticket for him and he could sit in the seat beside me not causing any trouble or otherwise hindering the enjoyment of the game by all. I’m afraid if Nero cannot attend, I will not be able to either as I haven’t the money to make other arrangements (despite my afore mentioned fame, magicians to not make great amounts of money).

Could you please write me back letting me know what the situation is so I may go ahead and reserve my tickets in advance.

Thank You,
Donald Lancow,
Magician
& Little Nero,
Chimpanzee Magician

P.S. - At the game, Nero will be wearing a small Pittsburgh Pirates uniform that I have purchased for him. He will also have a fielder’s mitt.

Reply

SUBJECT: Nero's visit

Dear Donald,

My name is Eric Wolff and I am the Director of In-Game Entertainment for the Pirates. I will look into your request to bring Nero to the game, but as you read animals are not permitted in PNC Park. I like the idea of putting Nero on the video board with his Pirates uniform on, so I will explore. I can make no promises, but I will try.

In the meantime do you have any more information you can share? A video? Website? Photos? Something like that may help.

Thank you for your interest in Pirates baseball and we will be in touch.

Eric H. Wolff
Producer/Director of In-Game Entertainment

Posted: 2/9/2016 2:50:40 PM EDT

[#10]

Quote History

Quoted:
Email to Professor Marc Breedlove:

SUBJECT: Carnivore Brain Power

Dear Professor Breedlove,

I have a question that has been keeping me up at night (+nap @ 1pm) and I would be indebted to you if you could answer it for me. Why, if nature uses “survival of the fittest”, has there never been an animal that could kill with the power of thought? Isn’t this a logical conclusion to a theory (evolution) that says, “only the tippity top survive?" How can you beat an animal that can kill with brain waves? Imagine if a carnivore, lets say a crocodile, would have the power to kill its prey merely by thinking a thought. All it would have to do is go to the nearest hill (or large rock) and zap everything it saw. Nothing could stop it. It would eat for days. Now do you see what I mean? It would be like the kid in that (TV) Twilight Zone (everyone had to think “happy thoughts”). So where is this ferocious beast that is the result of thousands of years of evolutional improvement? Something is very wrong here. We are missing one (nasty) animal. It makes me think it's out there, but knows that it cannot reveal itself to us yet. Perhaps it is one of those mysteries you only hear about in TV land (discovery channel) like Bigfoot or aliens. Is it possible? Please give me your professional reply on these matters. I need to know.

Yours in Thanks,
Donald N. Lancow

PS - Is it possible that my pet Iguana, Reginald, is the one making me think these thoughts and keeping me up at night? I see him giving me looks. He could be "the one." I may have to eliminate him.

SUBJECT: Re: Carnivore Brain Power
Dear Donald,

Your question is of course very astute and you are more correct than you know. Natural selection has given a wide variety of predators the ability to kill prey with thoughts alone. This happened despite the fact that the laws of physics in this universe make that adaptation impossible. Of course, natural selection does not act upon predators alone. The prey animals have evolved a defense that renders the "kill thoughts" of predators harmless, or nearly harmless. As it happens, we humans still have this same defense mechanism, which comes in handy when we're at the zoo and some massive beast behind bars shoots daggers at us. Our experience of this defense is also pleasant: we think that we are fantasizing about sex, but in fact our brain is fending off psychic attacks. You probably notice this activity starts in your head each time you enter the house where your homicidally inclined iguana sits resentfully dreaming of having a sex life of his own rather than sitting in your cage. Interestingly, the older humans get, the more vulnerable we are to psychic attacks and therefore the more we have to rely on this important defense mechanism. Unfortunately, it really cuts down on productivity. I hope this offers some help with your research. Best of luck pushing back the curtains of darkness.

Cheers,
Marc

SUBJECT: Re: Re: Carnivore Brain Power

Dear Marc,

Per your professional advice, Reginald has been eliminated, and I have eaten him in an attempt to gain his powers. It was fortunate that I came to you on this matter because it is quite obvious you were 100% correct. Since Reginald has left this world, I have noticed that my daydreams of Britney Spears have decreased dramatically (I didn't fantasize about her at all yesterday). I also notice, as you said, that I have been much more efficient. I have already picked up all the discarded pizza boxes from my bedroom floor and even figured out how to program my VCR. You have saved my life, professor - possibly many lives - and I am forever in your debt. If you ever need a reptile rubbed out, I'm your man. I have the knowledge and experience (and a recipe for a great basting sauce). Thank you.

Yours Sincerely,
Donald Lancow

View Quote

at the Marc guy who spun thinking about sex as a defense to animals who kill with a thought.

epic response to the troll.

Posted: 2/9/2016 2:58:06 PM EDT

[#11]

Quote History

at the Marc guy who spun thinking about sex as a defense to animals who kill with a thought.

epic response to the troll.

View Quote

Yeah. That response was awesome.

He either knew who was writing to him, or he himself is an epic troll.

Posted: 2/9/2016 3:30:31 PM EDT

[#12]

Quote History

Quoted:
Email to Professor Marc Breedlove:

SUBJECT: Carnivore Brain Power

Dear Professor Breedlove,

I have a question that has been keeping me up at night (+nap @ 1pm) and I would be indebted to you if you could answer it for me. Why, if nature uses “survival of the fittest”, has there never been an animal that could kill with the power of thought? Isn’t this a logical conclusion to a theory (evolution) that says, “only the tippity top survive?" How can you beat an animal that can kill with brain waves? Imagine if a carnivore, lets say a crocodile, would have the power to kill its prey merely by thinking a thought. All it would have to do is go to the nearest hill (or large rock) and zap everything it saw. Nothing could stop it. It would eat for days. Now do you see what I mean? It would be like the kid in that (TV) Twilight Zone (everyone had to think “happy thoughts”). So where is this ferocious beast that is the result of thousands of years of evolutional improvement? Something is very wrong here. We are missing one (nasty) animal. It makes me think it's out there, but knows that it cannot reveal itself to us yet. Perhaps it is one of those mysteries you only hear about in TV land (discovery channel) like Bigfoot or aliens. Is it possible? Please give me your professional reply on these matters. I need to know.

Yours in Thanks,
Donald N. Lancow

PS - Is it possible that my pet Iguana, Reginald, is the one making me think these thoughts and keeping me up at night? I see him giving me looks. He could be "the one." I may have to eliminate him.

SUBJECT: Re: Carnivore Brain Power
Dear Donald,

Your question is of course very astute and you are more correct than you know. Natural selection has given a wide variety of predators the ability to kill prey with thoughts alone. This happened despite the fact that the laws of physics in this universe make that adaptation impossible. Of course, natural selection does not act upon predators alone. The prey animals have evolved a defense that renders the "kill thoughts" of predators harmless, or nearly harmless. As it happens, we humans still have this same defense mechanism, which comes in handy when we're at the zoo and some massive beast behind bars shoots daggers at us. Our experience of this defense is also pleasant: we think that we are fantasizing about sex, but in fact our brain is fending off psychic attacks. You probably notice this activity starts in your head each time you enter the house where your homicidally inclined iguana sits resentfully dreaming of having a sex life of his own rather than sitting in your cage. Interestingly, the older humans get, the more vulnerable we are to psychic attacks and therefore the more we have to rely on this important defense mechanism. Unfortunately, it really cuts down on productivity. I hope this offers some help with your research. Best of luck pushing back the curtains of darkness.

Cheers,
Marc

SUBJECT: Re: Re: Carnivore Brain Power

Dear Marc,

Per your professional advice, Reginald has been eliminated, and I have eaten him in an attempt to gain his powers. It was fortunate that I came to you on this matter because it is quite obvious you were 100% correct. Since Reginald has left this world, I have noticed that my daydreams of Britney Spears have decreased dramatically (I didn't fantasize about her at all yesterday). I also notice, as you said, that I have been much more efficient. I have already picked up all the discarded pizza boxes from my bedroom floor and even figured out how to program my VCR. You have saved my life, professor - possibly many lives - and I am forever in your debt. If you ever need a reptile rubbed out, I'm your man. I have the knowledge and experience (and a recipe for a great basting sauce). Thank you.

Yours Sincerely,
Donald Lancow

View Quote

Posted: 2/9/2016 3:41:30 PM EDT

[#13]

Great stuff.

Posted: 2/9/2016 3:47:41 PM EDT

[#14]

Lol...Tag

Posted: 2/9/2016 4:03:54 PM EDT

[#15]

Tag

Posted: 2/9/2016 4:09:49 PM EDT

[#16]

Quote History

Quoted:

My favorite.

View Quote View All Quotes

View All Quotes

Quote History

Quoted:

YELLOW - For some reason, when I ate only yellow M&M's, the only change I noticed was that I occasionally would say the word "Thursday" out loud for no apparent reason. I can't see any practical application for this.

My favorite.

Thursdays always felt and smelled like a yellow to me. Maybe it is related.

Posted: 2/9/2016 4:14:22 PM EDT

[#17]

Good stuff OP, thanks for sharing them.

R.I.P Reginald.

Posted: 2/9/2016 4:36:51 PM EDT

[#18]

Quote History

Quoted:
OK...but how did you know about that? The site hasn't been online for 10 years or more.

Have we met before?

<snip>

View Quote View All Quotes

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Quote History

Quoted:

Quoted:

Post the letter about Rembrandt toothpaste. I really want to see the response.

OK...but how did you know about that? The site hasn't been online for 10 years or more.

Have we met before?

<snip>

I have been trapped in my mothers basement a lot longer than 10 years (the calendar on the wall says 1977). Lancow was one of my favorite sites back then. Right after they removed mytrailerpark.com.

Posted: 2/9/2016 4:40:28 PM EDT

[#19]

Quote History

Quoted:

Letter to Pittsburgh Pirates:

*snip*

Reply

SUBJECT: Nero's visit

Dear Donald,

My name is Eric Wolff and I am the Director of In-Game Entertainment for the Pirates. I will look into your request to bring Nero to the game, but as you read animals are not permitted in PNC Park. I like the idea of putting Nero on the video board with his Pirates uniform on, so I will explore. I can make no promises, but I will try.

In the meantime do you have any more information you can share? A video? Website? Photos? Something like that may help.

Thank you for your interest in Pirates baseball and we will be in touch.
Eric H. Wolff

Producer/Director of In-Game Entertainment

View Quote

So... did Nero get to attend his first ballgame?

Posted: 2/9/2016 5:22:36 PM EDT

[#20]

Would you mind if I or anyone else posted letters from the site using the way back machine? These are gold.

Posted: 2/9/2016 5:24:23 PM EDT

[#21]

Quote History

Quoted:

Would you mind if I or anyone else posted letters from the site using the way back machine? These are gold.

View Quote

The Jack Daniels one is hilarious

Posted: 2/9/2016 5:28:54 PM EDT

[#22]

Quote History

Quoted:

The Jack Daniels one is hilarious

View Quote View All Quotes

View All Quotes

Quote History

Quoted:

Quoted:
Would you mind if I or anyone else posted letters from the site using the way back machine? These are gold.

The Jack Daniels one is hilarious

I haven't gotten to that one yet but the police scanner one was great.

Posted: 2/9/2016 5:57:34 PM EDT

[#23]

To think my life is complete teasing my grand children.

I am such a slacker.

Posted: 2/9/2016 6:47:46 PM EDT

[#24]

Quote History

Quoted:
Would you mind if I or anyone else posted letters from the site using the way back machine? These are gold.

View Quote

That's fine.

Posted: 2/9/2016 6:49:54 PM EDT

[#25]

Quote History

Quoted:

I haven't gotten to that one yet but the police scanner one was great.

View Quote View All Quotes

View All Quotes

Quote History

Quoted:

Quoted:
Would you mind if I or anyone else posted letters from the site using the way back machine? These are gold.

The Jack Daniels one is hilarious

I haven't gotten to that one yet but the police scanner one was great.

SUBJECT: I need a scanner

Dear ASE,

I am interested in the Yaesu VR-120D scanner. I need a scanner to listen to the police. Please do not ask why - that is MY business. Will this scanner get the police radios?

Do you have this in an “extreme” model? I like neon colors and the name “extreme” on just about everything I buy. I am an adventurous person. I live on the edge.

When it says this model is “weatherproof,” what does that mean exactly? Is this all weather? Even the sun? What about severely damp nights (this is when I’m most likely to hear the police spreading gossip about me)? The police are ruining my life. Yesterday, they killed my dog.

Will I need any extra antenna for this scanner? I have a large piece of aluminum foil I wrap myself in at night. Will this work? Is there some way to hook it up?

Do you have any EMF information for this model? EMF create weird mix-ups in my head that aren’t good for me. I can’t be exposed to equipment with high EMF. Or static electricity.

I’d like to order this, but I wan’t to get some of these questions out of the way. I need it fast. The police set my hedges on fire last night, and I’ve seen them drive by twice tonight. I need to know what they’re thinking. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Donald Lancow

P.S. - The flashing messages on your website made me pass out twice.

SUBJECT: Re: I need a scanner

Hello!,
For Police monitoring, the Bearcat models are much better, although the VR-120D is capable of monitoring some types of police broadcasts. If your police use a trunked system or digital transmission, you will need only specific Bearcat models only. You will need to find out this information before purchasing the scanners.

The unit is not produced in any designer colors.

For the answers to your questions about the weather resistance, you will need to contact Yaesu's customer service dept.

ASE

Posted: 2/9/2016 8:37:51 PM EDT

[#26]

Indiana DOT:

SUBJECT: Request Info

Dear Indiana DOT,

What type of permit do I need to haul dog parts through Indiana? How many tons can I carry? I have at least three truck loads of dog parts that I need to truck through Indiana on the following dates: Feb 12, March 10-12. These have to get through. I cannot be delayed. Let me know what I need to do so I don’t have any trouble when the big day comes. Maybe I could get a letter from you letting me know that you are on my side? It would mean a lot.

Also, what type of tie downs do I need so the parts do not fly off the truck. I would hate to lose any. I have to get them to their destination. Less will not do. So please let me know how I can best ship my dog parts through the borders of your great state.

Thank you,
Donald "Bigrig" Lancow

Good morning,
Can you please prepare a response to inquiry? Thanks much, Char

Charlene Parrish
Coorespondence Coordinator
Indiana Department of Transportation
100 N. Senate Avenue
Room N755
Indianapolis, Indiana 46204
(317) 232-5117

[Forwarded to Indiana State Police]

SUBJECT: Permit request

Mr. Lancow:
The Indiana Department of Transportation forwarded your question to us. Since you are asking to be legal in all respects, your best course of action would be to call our office @ 800.523.2226 and ask to speak w/ a Motor Carrier Inspector and they will answer your questions! Our hours are 8a-4:30p Mon-Fri excluding holidays.

You will have to meet all the weight, height, length, & axle laws. You will have to have sufficient tie downs to "prevent any part of the load" from leaving the vehicle. This would include blood or animal parts. You will have to meet the Federal Motor Carrier Safety Regulations. You may also have to meet some requirements of the Indiana State Board of Health, which you may call @ 317.233.1325. They can advise you on any inspection(s) that they may conduct.

Your truck and cargo are subject to vehicle and driver inspections at any time while in Indiana. You must enter and stop at any weigh stations when so directed by signage.

Again, you should call our offices and discuss your intended move w/ a Motor Carrier Inspector so that they may assist you!

Thank you for your interest in transporting legally thru Indiana.

Guy W. Boruff, Lieutenant
Indiana State Police

SUBJECT: Re: Fw: Permit Request

Dear Lieutenant Boruff,

Thank you for your helpful reply. I must say, if more police officers were like yourself, you would be admired by truckers everywhere.

Regarding my previous letter about shipping the dog parts: There will be NO blood as these are NOT body parts of live dogs (K9), but plastic parts used to make toy dogs (beagle). These toy dogs will only be sold in Czechoslovakia and Belize. I believe its name is Bingo ( in two foreign languages). I will have no animals, dead or alive (unless you count my brother-in-law. The Health Department could have a field day with him).

I have one other question. Do you have any laws about open liquor containers in semis? I have found that most states don’t like it. I DO NOT and WILL NOT drink, but my brother-in-law swears the long trips are easier on him if he has his “happy juice.” He WILL NOT be driving. I don’t want his hard life getting me in trouble (he was in the U.S. Navy).

I just want to assure you that if we do eventually pass through your state you can expect me to obey ALL traffic laws, up to and including the posted speed limit, to the letter! You can count on that!

Sincerely and Thanks again,
Donald Lancow,
Runaway Trucking Inc.

P.S. - How fast do your chase cars go? Just curious.

oooooo

SUBJECT: Re: Re: Fw: Permit request

Mr. Lancow:

The Federal Motor Carrier Safety Regulations [FMCSR's] - regulate alcohol as follows:

***[Page of legal stuff. Snip.]***

This is an automatic 24-hour Out-of-Service violation. The driver cannot permit alcohol to be in his presence while driving.

If your brother-in-law drinks @ a truck stop and does not have opened or un-opened alcohol in the vehicle while you are driving, you would be OK. If he can't wait to drink, perhaps you should convince him to stay home.

Also, for your information -- this is not only true in Indiana, but all states since it is a Federal Violation!

Again, please drive Safely!

Guy W. Boruff, Lieutenant
Indiana State Police

regarding your P.S. - It's hard to outrun Motorola!!!

GB

Posted: 2/10/2016 1:09:18 AM EDT

[#27]

Letter to Jack Nichols, Realtor:

SUBJECT: hello, Jack!

Dear Jack,

I'm sorry to hear that you fell on "hard times:, but it is good to see that you have the rescourcefulness to bounce back. I hadn't heard about you in a while, as a matter of fact, since I saw "As Good As It Gets". What happened? That was a good movie and I thought you'd get other jobs from it. I guess Hollywood is fickle. I think you deserve better.

Have you had some cosmetic work done? The picture of you on your real estate page makes you look much younger. And the beard is a nice youthful touch. You also look like you lost weight!

How is the real estate business? Most people in your situation would have killed themselves with drugs by now, but you're a survivor. And I'm sure this is just temporary. Someone will want you in their movie. Your a legend, and those young guys like Matt Damon and Luke Perry can't act like you, no matter what they try. I hope your next break comes soon and you can start working on your comeback. I've always been a big fan and I always will be. Easy rider was weird though, no offense. I actually met you once in Wisconsin, but you probably don't remember.

Anyway, when people ask me who my favorite actor is, I will always say, "Jack Nicholson"! and if I ever need Real Estate, you'll be the first one I call.

Your biggest fan,
Donald Lancow

ps. any chance I could get an autographed picture?

Reply

SUBJECT: Re: hello, Jack!

Dear Donald,

I have also started a third career involving artistry ...see below. Always good to hear from a loyal fan. photo/autograph's in the mail...

Jack

http://jacknicholsart.com

Posted: 2/10/2016 11:09:10 AM EDT

[#28]

To: W. Schreiber & Söhne Saxophones (Germany)

SUBJECT: Saxophone
Dear Sirs,

Greetings. I found your site while searching the net for musical instruments (in particular the saxophone). When I saw that you made saxophones, it was as if a light came on in my head. The reason I have decided to learn the saxophone is a unique condition I have - the medical term is Polydactyly - you see, I have five fingers on my left hand (I should say a thumb + five fingers). I do not think I am a freak, but, as you can guess, I am very popular at parties, social gatherings, etc. (however, some children cry.) I can also type like a maniac. Many people have recently suggested that I try to play a musical instrument given that the extra digit works as well as any of the others (some have suggested I join a circus, but my great grandfather, having the same condition took that route and ended up dying). Then when I saw that you manufactured saxophones, I thought “why settle?” I could possibly get a saxophone more suited for my extra finger gift. I am an unique person, why shouldn’t I have a unique saxophone?

Here’s my idea. I would like you to make me a saxophone with seven keys instead of the normal six. This way I could utilize my extra digit. I could probably play songs most have only dreamed of. Of course I would pay extra for this - I figure it should come to about 1/6 more than the cost of a normal saxophone (considering you are adding one extra key to the regular six: 1/6 times 6 =1 +6 =7). This is the same deal I have with the New World Design Glove Company and I’ve never had problems.

Is it possible that you already have a saxophone with seven keys that I could try on a trial basis? Probably not, but there’s no harm in asking. Many consider seven a lucky number, after all.

Please reply to let me know the cost and the time it would require to complete the construction of this saxophone - give me an estimate, so to speak. I eagerly await the start of my new training.

Thank you,
Donald “Lefty” Lancow

Reply

SUBJECT: AW: Saxophone
Dear Donald Lancow:

Thank you very much for your email. Unfortunately, we cannot make a saxophone as per your requirements. To add an extra key would mean to invent a completely new instrument, one would have to re-design all the measurements, calculations, construction details. We are sorry that we cannot give you a more positive reply, but you could learn to play a 'standard' saxophone.

Good luck and kind regards,
Gaby Kerrmann
W. Schreiber & Söhne GmbH
Marketing/ Internet

Posted: 2/10/2016 11:47:54 AM EDT

[#29]

Quote History

Quoted:

SUBJECT: I need a scanner

Dear ASE,

I am interested in the Yaesu VR-120D scanner. I need a scanner to listen to the police. Please do not ask why - that is MY business. Will this scanner get the police radios?

Do you have this in an “extreme” model? I like neon colors and the name “extreme” on just about everything I buy. I am an adventurous person. I live on the edge.

When it says this model is “weatherproof,” what does that mean exactly? Is this all weather? Even the sun? What about severely damp nights (this is when I’m most likely to hear the police spreading gossip about me)? The police are ruining my life. Yesterday, they killed my dog.

Will I need any extra antenna for this scanner? I have a large piece of aluminum foil I wrap myself in at night. Will this work? Is there some way to hook it up?

Do you have any EMF information for this model? EMF create weird mix-ups in my head that aren’t good for me. I can’t be exposed to equipment with high EMF. Or static electricity.

I’d like to order this, but I wan’t to get some of these questions out of the way. I need it fast. The police set my hedges on fire last night, and I’ve seen them drive by twice tonight. I need to know what they’re thinking. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Donald Lancow

P.S. - The flashing messages on your website made me pass out twice.

SUBJECT: Re: I need a scanner

Hello!,
For Police monitoring, the Bearcat models are much better, although the VR-120D is capable of monitoring some types of police broadcasts. If your police use a trunked system or digital transmission, you will need only specific Bearcat models only. You will need to find out this information before purchasing the scanners.

The unit is not produced in any designer colors.

For the answers to your questions about the weather resistance, you will need to contact Yaesu's customer service dept.

ASE

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Quote History

Quoted:

Quoted:
Would you mind if I or anyone else posted letters from the site using the way back machine? These are gold.

The Jack Daniels one is hilarious

I haven't gotten to that one yet but the police scanner one was great.

SUBJECT: I need a scanner

Dear ASE,

I am interested in the Yaesu VR-120D scanner. I need a scanner to listen to the police. Please do not ask why - that is MY business. Will this scanner get the police radios?

Do you have this in an “extreme” model? I like neon colors and the name “extreme” on just about everything I buy. I am an adventurous person. I live on the edge.

When it says this model is “weatherproof,” what does that mean exactly? Is this all weather? Even the sun? What about severely damp nights (this is when I’m most likely to hear the police spreading gossip about me)? The police are ruining my life. Yesterday, they killed my dog.

Will I need any extra antenna for this scanner? I have a large piece of aluminum foil I wrap myself in at night. Will this work? Is there some way to hook it up?

Do you have any EMF information for this model? EMF create weird mix-ups in my head that aren’t good for me. I can’t be exposed to equipment with high EMF. Or static electricity.

I’d like to order this, but I wan’t to get some of these questions out of the way. I need it fast. The police set my hedges on fire last night, and I’ve seen them drive by twice tonight. I need to know what they’re thinking. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Donald Lancow

P.S. - The flashing messages on your website made me pass out twice.

SUBJECT: Re: I need a scanner

Hello!,
For Police monitoring, the Bearcat models are much better, although the VR-120D is capable of monitoring some types of police broadcasts. If your police use a trunked system or digital transmission, you will need only specific Bearcat models only. You will need to find out this information before purchasing the scanners.

The unit is not produced in any designer colors.

For the answers to your questions about the weather resistance, you will need to contact Yaesu's customer service dept.

ASE

Yes, thank you!

Posted: 2/10/2016 2:44:36 PM EDT

[#30]

Love it! Thanks!!!

Posted: 2/10/2016 7:32:13 PM EDT

[#31]

To: Jack Daniel's
VIA EMAIL FORM

Dear Jack,

I recently decided to try an alcoholic beverage for the first time, and several of my friends recommended your fine Tennessee Whiskey as the drink of choice. I wish I could say that my experience was pleasant, but several things occurred that are still troubling me. I thought perhaps you could help me, so I wrote.

I sat down with the bottle on a Wednesday evening and poured myself a tall glass to drink with dinner. Much to my dismay, the whiskey emitted a foul, sour smelling odor. I poured the rest of the bottle down the sink and went to the local 7-11 to buy another bottle. When I opened it, it too smelled very sour, almost as if it had fermented. (I also noticed that the bottles weren't kept in refrigeration...is this customary, or was it an error on the part of the storekeeper?).

Since I figured that two bottles couldn't have been spoiled, I began to drink. It had a very strange taste to it...again, fermentation, and it burned very much as I swallowed. I called a friend of mine and he said that this was normal. He's kind of a practical joker, and I wasn't so sure that he wasn't trying to fool me. Regardless, I continued to drink.

As I finished about half the glass, I noticed that my vision was getting blurred and it was difficult to walk around my apartment without bumping into furniture, walls, etc. At first I thought I was just sleepy, but as I drank more, this effect increased noticably. I'm almost sure it was the whiskey. I did notice that it tasted better as I drank more, however.

Not wanting to waste the rest of the glass, I finished it. At this point, I was definitely having trouble getting my balance. The room was spinning and I couldn't think straight. I collapsed on the bed, where I experienced nausea and impaired motor function. I was going to call the paramedics, but I couldn't reach the phone. I don't remember what happened after that.

The next morning, I had a splitting headache, my mouth was dry and my stomach was churning. I felt sick all day and couldn't get the taste of your whiskey out of my mouth. I couldn't even go to work that day. Again, not having tried it before, I don't know if the whiskey was bad or not. It definitely made me sick, and I'm sure with a tradition of making fine beverages as far back as the 1860's, you wouldn't want to market a product that makes people sick. That's why I'm writing.

I threw the rest of the bottle away, so I can't give you any identifying numbers from the bottle. I just wondered if any other customers had reported a similar experience with your whiskey. Also, you might want to monitor the places that sell your product and make sure they refrigerate it to avoid fermentation problems in the future. I'm sure there are people out there who would sue if they bought a product that made them sick, and with a tradition dating back to the 1860, I wouldn't want to see your company go out of business if it could be prevented.

Thanks for your time and please tell me what to do next,
Donald Lancow

Reply

SUBJECT: Re: JACK DANIEL'S TENNESSEE WHISKEY

Hello Donald:

I received your note and was sorry to learn of your less than happy encounter regarding Jack Daniel's Tennessee Whiskey.

Actually, I'm surprised that your more experienced friends did not pass along their knowledge concerning indulgence of beverage alcohol. I personally do not know of anyone who can drink a "tall" glass of whiskey and not feel the affects. Your symptoms are indicative of someone who drank too much and became intoxicated.

Mr. Lancow, we take our product very seriously and hope that our consumers enjoy our fine Tennessee whiskey responsibly. I sincerely apologize for any discomfort you may have experienced and I respectfully suggest that if you try our product in the future, begin with a smaller amount such as a single shot on the rocks or with a mixer.

For your information, whiskey is not meant to be stored in refrigeration - this actually has an adverse affect. Also, please remember that any beverage alcohol can impair your ability to drive.

Kind regards,
Marie Cundall
Consumer Relations

Posted: 2/13/2016 12:37:42 AM EDT

[#32]

We demand MORE!

Posted: 2/13/2016 12:01:55 PM EDT

[#33]

Tennessee Department of Transportation

SUBJECT: Comments

Dear Tennessee,

I recently traveled through your magical state of Tennessee (to a secondary vacation destination) and I thought it was really nice. The scenery was beautiful and the food was great, even though we only ate once at a Mcdonalds in some town which I cannot now remember the name. It was very nice. It had a playground and the people were very friendly. All in all a good town. However I had a couple of problems with one of your rest areas along the interstate there. Firstly, the toilet paper (at least in stall #2 which I was in) had the worst paper I have ever had to use! Is this some torture? I don’t believe myself to be a ‘soft’ person, but, boy, that was some really rough stuff! Please change it if you can. I felt that experience for almost the rest of the trip through your state. Imagine how one would feel? It’s hard to think well of a state when you are so uncomfortable on the rest of the trip and effects your views rather badly. In my own humble home, I like to use Charmin Extra Soft (just don’t squeeze it, haha!). I find it provides both efficiency and quality wrapped in a nice scented quilted sheet. I mean, we’re not animals here are we? I recently traveled through Iowa and while the land is mostly flat there, they still provide excellent toilet paper in their rest areas. Surely if a poverty stricken state like Iowa can stock a good paper your bountiful state can do likewise?

Also why didn’t your candy machine in the #4 rest area have (or maybe it was #3) Yammers candy bits (Yammers, the candy that hammers!)? I happen to know these are a very popular candy, and not at all hard to stock in any average vending machine. I would suggest you have these in your candy machines in at rest area #4 (or #3) soon! It could be something to make someone’s trip more memorable.

Even with the problems I have discussed, I would visit your great state again in the future as well as travel through it’s borders for other destinations so I hope you will not hold my views against me. Please feel free to write me back if you reply.
Yours in earnest,
Donald N. Lancow

Reply

SUBJECT: Re: Comments

I am responding to your comments about the rest areas. The toliet tissue is bought in bulk. If we used softer more expensive paper, unfortunately there are those who would take it from the stalls and we would be unable to keep it in the stalls fast enough. I know this sounds far fetched but it has happened. I will pass your comments on though for those who purchase the paper.

On the issue of the candy, it is stocked by the venders who have the machines and they put in items that sell the best for each area. They keep up with what is the best sellers in each area. I will pass along your comment but will not say if that item will or will not be carried.

Thank you.

Sue Melton
Rest Area Manager and Coordinator

2nd Letter

SUBJECT: Thanks!

Dear Sue,

I didn’t expect a reply so suddenly! Thanks! People stealing toilet paper? What has this world come too? You would think in these advanced times when a nice woman like yourself could be in charge of a whole system of rest areas, people would be more civilized than that. I mean, we put a man on the moon for pete’s sake! I’m wondering now if I would be allowed to bring my own toilet paper into your rest area? This would not violate any laws would it? You don’t think those toilet paper stealers would try to take it from me do you? There might be danger.

As for the Yammers (the candy that hammers!) Maybe I could leave a box next time I’m in your state. When the venders see how fast those disappear, maybe they would "get it" so to speak.

So thank you again for your prompt answer to my questions. And even with your crime problems, I hope Tennessee is around for a long time!
Sincerely,
Donald Lancow

Posted: 2/13/2016 12:09:46 PM EDT

[#34]

Been done Befo...

http://www.amazon.com/The-Lazlo-Letters-Don-Novello/dp/1563052857

Posted: 2/13/2016 12:20:23 PM EDT

[#35]

Video World, Australia

SUBJECT: Video World

Dear Video World,

I am planning a trip to Australia in the future(already wrote to your Tourism Bureau), and I saw your web site, "videoworld.com.au". I assume the"au" means Australia, but these days, you can't be too careful. We too in America have a "Video world" at which we can rent high quality video movies of Hollywood block busters (FYI- Hollywood is a town in our country, "The States" where they make the movies),for a reasonable price.

Even though I will be busy looking at kangaroos, crocodiles and possibly even a beach, I think at the end of the day, I would like to relax with a good movie: MY QUESTION: Do you carry only Australian Videos, or do you have all types? As I have seen some Australian movies, they were very good, especially the Mad Max/Road Warrior. Although I thought Tina Turner was a bad choice to do the sound track, no offense. I hope these aren't an exception!

But the problem is I'm just not that familiar with Australian movies, and I'm worried that they might not be good. No offense. Let's face it some countrys are better at things than others, for example, beer. I would say you guys have got us beat here in "The States". We got Budweiser and Miller, and I think these taste like urine, to me. But you have Fosters (Austrailian For Beer!). And I think thats great. No offense.

I would not be adverse to seeing some other countrys movies, but only if they were sub titled in English,and not in some crazy language I could not understand. There's little point in that, I can tell you--a big waste of time! (Unless they come from the Back Room). I assume that the sub titles would be in English, because you Australians speak English, even though it sounds a little funny to me. No offense.

Of course, if you have American Movies as well, that would be fine too, as this would make me feel Right At Home on the Out Back! Any little extra things like that make a trip more

So, if you could get back to me on the movie situation in your store, I will travel to Austrailia as a well prepared traveler, ready to travel around on the Kangaroo Contanent! And watch a good movie in my hotel room at the end of a day. Also, would the membership card that I use here in "The States" work over there in your store? I think it should, since it is in English. I'll bring it, just in case.

I look forward to visiting the "Out Back!"
Gooday, MATE!
Donald N. Lancow and
Mrs. Donald N. Lancow
UNITED STATES (of America)

Reply

SUBJECT: Re: Video World

Hi there,

Sorry to advise you we do not sell or hire movies. We sell & hire video equipment.

Please try www.ezydvd.com.au

Regards,
Paul Knapman.
Video World
P/L232 Rundle Street
Adelaide 5000

Posted: 2/13/2016 12:21:44 PM EDT

[#36]

Nicely done.

Posted: 2/13/2016 12:23:23 PM EDT

[#37]

Letter to City of Augusta, Maine

VIA EMAIL FORM

Dear Augusta,

I am making plans to start my own business in your city. I need to know what licenses and permits I need to get this going. My business will be called, “L&L Fine Meats and Cat Disposal.” The main function of my business is the sale of fine meats (specializing in steaks, roasts, chops, cubes and slabs). I will also dispose of cats (bring in your cat and we’ll get rid of it - no questions asked. Also accept chubs on Thursdays). I think this combines two services that most people have been asking for. I just want to help them out and make a comfortable living in the process. I have a truck with a logo. People will take me seriously.

Please help me out on this info (permits, licenses, zoning, leash laws). Many thanks.

Donald Lancow
L&L Fine Meats and Cat Disposal
“Home of the Fish on Friday Bonanza”

SUBJECT: General Comments Request

FROM: Jody Jankowski

Sir,

For requested information please provide a written request to:

Emery Toulouse
Animal Control Officer
Augusta Police Department
33 Union St. Augusta Me. 04330

Please provide return address and phone number.

SUBJECT: Ref: "General Comments"

FROM: Worley, Norma J.

I am most intrigued by your proposed business, "L&L Fine Meats and Cat Disposal". I look forward to discussing the Animal Welfare Rules and Regulations for the State of Maine especially as they related to the euthanizing of any cat or animal with you prior to the opening of this business.

Norma J. Worley
Director
Maine Department of Agriculture
Animal Welfare Program
State House Station 28
Augusta, ME 04333-0028
(207) 287-3846

SUBJECT: Re: Ref: "General Comments"

Mr. Worley,

We will not offer any euthanizing, viewing, music or any other funeral type services (how much could one say about a dead cat anyway?). We will simply kill the animal. This is how we keep costs low and bring more for less to you, the customer. Please allow us to send a complimentary (free) bucket of hock chops to you (available to any government official who helps us cut through the “red tape”). Thanks.

Donald Lancow

Posted: 2/13/2016 12:25:15 PM EDT

[#38]

Hate to be the wet blanket but all this was done before in 1977. Look up The Lazlo Letters.

Still, funny.

Posted: 2/13/2016 12:59:02 PM EDT

[#39]

Lol. Reminiscent of the guy that used to bury plastic dinosaurs in his back yard, then excavate them later like an archeologist. He would write letters to museums and research institutes saying he had discovered some previously unknown species, and would they be interested in funding his research.